For a moment. Just a moment. I thought I should buy a Polo after seeing their car commercial distributed by VW in the UK.
What would a car commercial look like if it were made for me and my taste for tango? It would be all about the connection I had to her leather, her handling in giros, ability to parada on a dime, windshield wipers that were the perfect boleos. With the electric key in my pocket, just a nod of the head would open her doors. In heavy traffic I would be glad to turn the surround-sound up and just be in her presence -- no texting, looking at who is looking -- just being there with her, the only car in the world.
But maybe I'll buy a VW Polo for my son.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Tactical versus Strategic Tango
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| Milonga de los Santos, Washington, District of Columbia |
Tango is war.
It was a battle just to come to the milonga, to even get out the door. It was trench warfare to learn how to dance well. It was hand to hand combat to learn how to avoid rejection or to attract good dancers at your level. You have the purple heart from the shrapnel from stilettos ripping into your flesh from the friendly-fire boleo of a friend who did not see you. Or you may have trusted a leader who turned out to be a suicide bomber, who used you as a weapon of mass destruction.
The truth is that life is a war, and no one survives. But we can be honorable warriors, loyal to our family and values, courageous in our community, fighting social injustice. In everything we do we can be warriors rather than fighters. And tango is no different. I am working at this.
Let me explain the difference between a fighter and a warrior:
A fighter has no stragegy of his or her own. However, a warrior embodies both a strategy and tactical skill. Both are important. Learning to be a warrior allows you to survive and thrive in tango for a lifetime rather than the very low average in the US. I would wager that few tangueros/tangueras make it past five years who do not learn to balance the tactical with the personal strategic skills of a warrior.
Examples:
Tactical Tango Strategic Tango
Taking steps Pausing, listening, being in the moment
Dancing on the beat Knowing the song/orchestra's version
Series of steps learned The music decides the step
One cabeceo at a time Introducing friend who isn't dancing
Dancing with the best Helping the good become better
Drinking water Meeting someone at the water table
Poise after rejection Learning from rejection or letting go
Protecting your tanguera Gently guiding the rogue dancer/beginner male
Not going backwards Learning flow, craft, cunning on la pista
Going to milongas Help organize or support the community
Chances are that if you came home from some severe milonga-battlefield conditions that you won't have PTSD (Post-Tango Sulking Disorder) if you have been a warrior and not just a fighter.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Infinite Space to Dance (poem)
Infinite Space to Dance
It is bigger than the universe,
Just as near. Just as far.
I understand love best when you are near,
But recognize it better when you are far.
I feel it best when you are present
But awaken to its meaning when you leave.
I understand love best when you are near,
But recognize it better when you are far.
I feel it best when you are present
But awaken to its meaning when you leave.
Love soothes my hurts, vanquishes my fears,
Yet its loss is my highest fear.
Love is trite and shallow, some might say.
Are not all profound things treated this way?
I once imagined a love for just one,
Yet love has visited in tandas, chapters in my life.Shall I lament that we both have had more than one
Intimate, deep, tender and caring love chapter?
Only in dance have I understood this as success.
Is it a failure to be fully with the one in your arms?
Is it a failure to be fully with the one in your arms?
Will you come explore and search for love?
It starts nearest to you, your own heart.
Maybe I will be one of the many planets,
Among stars and galaxies in your universe of love.
Then we'll have infinite space to dance.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What Men can learn from Leading Ladies
Abstract: This post is on what tangueras-who-lead teach men about their role to protect a women, and why men are not obsolete. Also, a description of the psychological profile of females who venture into the Rol Masculino de Tango. A list of sociological research questions are suggested at this article's conclusion.
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| Courtesy of Toulouse-Lautrec |
Definitions first:
Floorcraft is the ability to dance in a social setting, harmonizing with:
- The dancers around you, maintaining safety for all dancers;
- The "traffic" (direction, velocity and lanes) of dance;
- The music (not dancing tango to milonga, for example);
- The space and general ambiance of the room;
- One's partner and his/her level of experience;
- The conditions of the floor surface;
- The conditions of safety/danger caused by rogue dancers or unknowing beginners;
- The general respect to remain silent;
- One's partner's soul (fully present, not watching who came in, how you look in the mirror as you dance, or observing who was watching that last great show-move you made).
I have no answers of why women can dance so well in the masculine role but generally seem to have poor floorcraft. From the definition above I am mostly talking about issues lady leads have with unsafe maneuvers and talking while dancing. I will stay silent on the second "issue."
Being a great dancer is not gender specific. However, I wonder if the protecting one's partner is more gender specific. Men generally have the protective persona down. It is perhaps one of the best qualities of a generally problematic characteristic called "machismo." My underlying thesis here has little to with women, but rather, that male rogue dancers are ultimately not masculine. Nicely said, rogue male dancers have abdicated their masculine role.
Women who lead are often the best dancers in the community. So one would expect great floorcraft. Of course, there are exceptions (see "honorable mention" below), but these ladies are rare in my admittedly limited four-year experience of female leaders dancing near me. I realize that this is not a politically correct observation, and that maybe I will have a lot of criticism about this post. So let me say this ahead of time: You are right. It was stupid of me to even say anything about this subject. What was I thinking when I wrote this!
For anyone who is looking for a doctoral thesis in sociology, let me suggest an interesting study on male/female roles as seen in tango. What I observe is counter-intuitive: I would expect the opposite of what I often observe from women. I would think that ladies really understand how vulnerable women are on the dance floor. Experienced tangueras all have been hurt or have seen seriously painful accidents by the time they decide to lead. Poor male "leaders" are rampant in the world. We have a name for these men which I will censor from my post. However, the rule is that cabelleros are taking care of all those dancing in the rol femenino on the dance floor. There are a few caballeras [an actual Spanish word], as I am defining them here, out on the dance floor. A true Caballero/a (gentleman or gentlewoman) is one acting the part of a gentleman tanguero, dancing responsibly and socially.
The Psychological Profile of Lady Leaders:
1. Alpha females: Mostly the best tangueras become leaders. But predating their tango days, they probably were alpha females. As alpha females they take initiative -- instead of just sitting it out. Often they are teachers.
2. Got-to-Dance Persona: If I were a woman, I would not be perhaps an alpha female, but I would be dancing either by myself or with anyone around if a man did not ask me to dance.
2. Got-to-Dance Persona: If I were a woman, I would not be perhaps an alpha female, but I would be dancing either by myself or with anyone around if a man did not ask me to dance.
3. Iconoclast Personality: The lady leader motto generally is to "...dance as if no one is watching." I value this quality of thought! A Lady Leader has to be her own person. I am one who has done many things, such as learning how to unicycle or street hockey with my children in spite of what my neighbors thought about "adult behavior." However, there is a dark side to "not caring." It can go too far to the side of being "anti-social." And that is what seems to be happening with many Lady Leaders.
Note: I have heard Alpha Females expound that men (and some women) may be jealous or have issues about two women dancing/touching. I do not think that most men are worried about these issues. I can at least speak for myself here: I am not jealous of women dancing better than I. However, I am disgusted with anyone who puts MY lady into danger and causes chaos on the dance floor.
Note: I have heard Alpha Females expound that men (and some women) may be jealous or have issues about two women dancing/touching. I do not think that most men are worried about these issues. I can at least speak for myself here: I am not jealous of women dancing better than I. However, I am disgusted with anyone who puts MY lady into danger and causes chaos on the dance floor.
Honorable Mention:
The best example of a true "caballera" in the DC area is a female teacher from Baltimore. I love dancing with her when she changes to heels or next to her when she is in the rol masculino. However, the greatest female "leader," I ever have seen has been at two tango festivals I have attended. She is a marvelous milonguera traditionalist. The women love to dance with her. I am in awe of how fully she dances the rol masculino. She tends to dance in the second lane and I dance nearly always in the outside lane; so I don't dance behind or in front of her, but I notice her wonderful floorcraft. Interestingly, I have never seen her dance in the female role.More recently I have observed several woman who lead. In most cases they talked the whole time. Many female leaders are teachers. Teachers, especially female teachers in the masculine role, tend to be fairly adept at "skating." (Skating is my term for any dancer who weaves in and out of other dancers on a crowded dance floor. I would like to have everyone stop and put on protective gear when skaters are on the dance floor, as I did for myself and children on ice rinks in Germany.) Women skaters tend to be more adept than male skaters, but they are still a danger on the social dance floor. Is the issue, then, not women but that they are teachers? I don't think so; however, it could be. Male teachers are rogue dancers too, perhaps because they feel they must advertise their abilities. They take up way too much room and seem to think that everyone is giving space to them out of respect. No, it is not respect, it is our job to protect our partners from anti-social rogue dancers. (Strong language? "Anti-social" as I use the word here is causing danger in a social context.") Although I know of ONE MAN who dances with his eyes closed, I have seen leading ladies do this more than once. Frightening!
I should mention a Lady Leader whom I know only from my tango blog. She is from northern Europe. She was one of the only females that spoke up in agreement with my complaint of men-bashing on a blog from Germany that blamed and criticized men at every level, including being generally less than everything tangueras are. (See below link.) Interestingly, in an email to me, this leading lady confirmed that she went through a phase of blitzing around the dance floor at first, but has learned to dance in her own space. Hats off to her!
I think it would be an interesting sociological research question about role reversals, as demonstrated on the dance floor at a milonga.
My research questions:
1. Is it really true that woman are "skaters" -- or is this just anecdotal observation from one man's experience? Videos of women leaders could document the differences of men and women in the masculine role. Would this show one way or another if indeed ladies tend to be "skaters"? My guess: Absolutely true, as experienced from female dancers from at least seven countries (including Argentina) and four continents.
2 If it is true, what are the contributing factors for poor dance floor etiquette (in spite of knowing the rules and having seen consequences for poor floorcraft)? Research questions -- is it one or more of these issues?:
a. The Show-Off Teacher Marketing Phenomenon (male/female teachers being equal)?
b. The Alpha-Female (assertive woman) Phenomenon?
c. The Iconoclast Personality Phenomenon. It's great to be an iconoclast, but not when it comes to putting others in physical danger.
d. The Free-at-Last Phenomenon -- women finally free to express the music in a more direct way, now just are going wild, at least at first?
e. The Male Culture/Genetic Wiring Hypothesis: Are women less culturally aware of the man's role to protect? They have learned a dancing role, but have less experience of what culture expects of a man in protecting a woman?
f. Or perhaps is it merely the figment in the imagination of the Tango Therapist?
I think that "e" (above) is the most likely explanation of role behavior problems, and also the easiest fix. And now I am going to indulge in some finger-pointing and blaming: The tango community has few teachers who talk directly about floorcraft. The Tangosutra Festival was the biggest exception to this general problem. Teaching women leaders about the epicenter of their role as a leader is generally missing. And guess what? It is missing too often for men any any tango curriculum. The difference (so my hypothesis goes), is that men have learned this protective role from years of cultural training and perhaps even a tad of genetic wiring that it is a man's role to protect the woman.
I expect that my limited experience on this subject will be irksome to some tangueras and tangueros.* I welcome comments. In the end, perhaps the issues of being a cabellero and what it REALLY means to be a man will make MEN better at what I see as their primary role -- to protect their partner.
For now, I can at least suggest that men are still not obsolete in spite of what we hear from too many self-assured women.*
Here is the link: http://melinas-two-cent.blogspot.com/2010/11/good-news-really.html
Monday, January 17, 2011
Men Learning from Each Other
Because of a gender imbalance, men have fewer chances to learn both roles. It wasn't that way in early Argentina when women were very rare indeed. Men learning to dance with other men was common. Gender imbalance has its advantages and disadvantages for those forced to sit too much. I, for one, get exhausted with all the demand for my role. I have too many friends and favorite dancers who are sitting too much, and then if I go to a practica, the same issue follows me there!
Men learning from each other is still common, but maybe not as easy as it was in the early days of tango in Argentina:
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Those who can, do."
If Tiger Woods were a world class tango dancer, would you take lessons from him or from his world class coach? I would prefer his coach. But for some reason, I think that people naturally want the master doer over the master teacher.
A comment by a well known tango teacher recently astounded me: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Ouch!
His point was that teachers are best at teaching what they are not good at. Also, a problem here in logic? What a terrible "truism" that too many people believe! This phrase is an assault on excellent teachers all over the world.
I like this T-shirt below: "Those who can, do. Those who can do more, teach!"
But let's say just for fun that there is some validity to this idea (that those who can't, teach). Well, then! Let's go out and find the teachers out there who cannot dance that well, but they will teach us a lot. The majority of us go out teacher shopping, looking for great dancers. But where are the great teachers hiding? Surely they are out there. Are you taking lessons from them? As for me, I want a teacher who can teach and has results over the teacher who can perform, but cannot impart how to emulate what they do.
Teaching is a calling, and many who are good teachers, are also experts in their fields of endeavor. Yet, having both of these qualities is still rather rare. I would rather have someone who painstakingly acquired tango than one who is naturally talented but cannot see how difficult it is for the average person.
The problem with poor teachers in language schools demonstrates this problem with the misguided attraction that school directors and students alike have for those who can (speak fluently) but cannot teach. Just because you can speak Italian from birth, does not prove that you can teach it. Those who have struggled to learn a language as an adult and are fluent know what it takes to acquire a language, but language learners look for the native speaker. Language students gladly sit in classes, enduring hours of poor instruction just because the person is a native speaker. So is it in tango: We tend to look for the great dancer and look the other way when they do not have the best results in imparting what they know.
That's a good New Year's resolution: Find a tango coach who can do more -- someone who can teach.
A comment by a well known tango teacher recently astounded me: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Ouch!
His point was that teachers are best at teaching what they are not good at. Also, a problem here in logic? What a terrible "truism" that too many people believe! This phrase is an assault on excellent teachers all over the world.
I like this T-shirt below: "Those who can, do. Those who can do more, teach!"
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| From Zazzle.com |
But let's say just for fun that there is some validity to this idea (that those who can't, teach). Well, then! Let's go out and find the teachers out there who cannot dance that well, but they will teach us a lot. The majority of us go out teacher shopping, looking for great dancers. But where are the great teachers hiding? Surely they are out there. Are you taking lessons from them? As for me, I want a teacher who can teach and has results over the teacher who can perform, but cannot impart how to emulate what they do.
Teaching is a calling, and many who are good teachers, are also experts in their fields of endeavor. Yet, having both of these qualities is still rather rare. I would rather have someone who painstakingly acquired tango than one who is naturally talented but cannot see how difficult it is for the average person.
The problem with poor teachers in language schools demonstrates this problem with the misguided attraction that school directors and students alike have for those who can (speak fluently) but cannot teach. Just because you can speak Italian from birth, does not prove that you can teach it. Those who have struggled to learn a language as an adult and are fluent know what it takes to acquire a language, but language learners look for the native speaker. Language students gladly sit in classes, enduring hours of poor instruction just because the person is a native speaker. So is it in tango: We tend to look for the great dancer and look the other way when they do not have the best results in imparting what they know.
That's a good New Year's resolution: Find a tango coach who can do more -- someone who can teach.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Upgrade Ticket: Germany/Buenos Aires/Washington DC
It was an upgrade to go from Frankfurt am Main, Germany to Buenos Aires and then home to Washington D.C. At first I felt it would be absurd to go so far out of my way. One evening in Buenos Aires? Seemed too far to go for just one evening. But I bought the upgrade anyway. It was a good price. The man looked over his glasses as if I were mad to be paying for the ticket. He wouldn't understand. He had never experienced tango. He gave me my change, and I said "danke schön." He looked again and shook his head in disbelief.
Buenos Aires was hot. I went from a cold winter to summer in a snap. It was a shock but not as much as the shock from culture. Buenos Aires was busier than cities in the US at night. People were out. The faces were different, the clothes more formal. The dialect of Spanish had my brain working to squeeze out some understanding of the syllables that bounced around in my cerebral word-recognition engine. I longed to quickly find a milonga, where I could communicate it the language of a walking embrace, a moving expression of the music both my partner and I loved.
During the short transport, I was given a booklet "Milonga Etiquette" to read and sign.
Buenos Aires was hot. I went from a cold winter to summer in a snap. It was a shock but not as much as the shock from culture. Buenos Aires was busier than cities in the US at night. People were out. The faces were different, the clothes more formal. The dialect of Spanish had my brain working to squeeze out some understanding of the syllables that bounced around in my cerebral word-recognition engine. I longed to quickly find a milonga, where I could communicate it the language of a walking embrace, a moving expression of the music both my partner and I loved.
During the short transport, I was given a booklet "Milonga Etiquette" to read and sign.
- As a man, I was to never ask a woman to dance but give her a knowing look and a nod. If she did not look, then I could not nod or dance with her. (I initialed that paragraph.)
- I was to take the lady to the dance floor, and return her to her chair. According to the booklet, the chair would not automatically move itself by means of feminine hands, that would be my job. (I initialed that paragraph.)
- I was to take the woman out to the floor and catch the eye of the man who is dancing and protecting his partner in the line of dance. There was a added note: "Unlike some foreign milongas, the woman will not step out on the dance without looking, pulling you out there too. She will expect you to fulfill your role." (I initialed with a smile. This was going to be different.)
- I was to wear clothes that would honor the woman who had spent money and time to look nice -- no jeans or polo shirts. (Initialed.)
- I was to talk about her, finding something to say that would make her hours of preparation for the dance all the more worth it from my notice. I was not to expect that any other man had done this. The paragraph of "what to say" said nothing about any mistakes I thought that I might have made or what maneuver I was trying to master. (I initialed.)
- "Most importantly" the last paragraph said, "you must hold her as if she were the only woman in the world. If she is much older, hold her like your mother or aunt. If you are not at all attracted to her, hold her as if by doing so, you can sense her life story through your arms and chest. Honor her story. If you are attracted to her, hold her as if you have loved her for many years and don't want the time to be over." (I initialed. I knew that the upgrade fare would be well worth the cost.)
- Last paragraph to be signed: "Tango is the easiest dance in the world. You have been told it is one of the most technical. Walking in an embrace is primal and natural. Take each step as one more step to her trust that she is being honored. You need not impress her with all the expensive moves you have learned from theatrical tango teachers. It took $800 to learn that volcada you have perfected. Leave that in your suitcase. You don't really need it here. If you sense that she is fully with you, and you are embracing her as if she were the only woman in the world, the music will lead you to use the tango 'vocabulary' you have learned." (I initialed with glee. And signed at the bottom, dating it January 8, 2011.)
The night went by quickly and with absolute delight. Each of the things I had signed ended up being very important. The ambiance remains strongly in my mind: The smiling faces, the women who melted into my arms and made me glad that I was a man, the closeness of the dancers all keeping their own little space, the new movements I had discovered with the guidance of the music and my partners unique way of moving. Precious moments in Buenos Aires. It was very much worth the the upgrade from Germany.
When I awoke this morning in Washington D.C., I wished my dream had never ended. Maybe another "upgrade" tonight? Will you join me? I will help you fill out the paperwork.
I am accustomed to going to Buenos Aires for a night. That is what a milonga is.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Walking to Find Ourselves
Not some times. Every time.
Every time I go out on a walk I discover something new about the tango walk and about myself. And each time I say, "Why didn't I see that before?" I would not expect you to believe that I keep discovering things about simply walking, because that is unbelievable.
I am sure each time that I have discovered something that it must be the last thing possible. I never expect to learn something new. But it just keeps happening. I learn how to dance tango more efficiently and simply. Some things are complex, such as leading her with my back and torso movement to take just one step as I take three or two steps. Some things I discover are simple, such as a lilt to my gate.
It sometimes takes as many as six months to bring an idea found by walking by myself onto the dance floor. Sometimes I discover the idea on the dance floor, but perfect it or understand it better when I walk later by myself. That happened last night in a waltz with a favorite tanguera: I stepped two against her one in 3/4 time -- a surprising feeling.
What occurred to me after I watched the video (below) of long-time teachers walking in a tango walk for an entire song was that we learn a lot about the connection to the music when we merely walk. Complicated "prefabricated" steps (choreographies) keep us from finding the music and our partner. But something new dawned on me: I realized even finding ourselves is helped by a meditative tango walk, and I reveal my inner world, my soul to my partner if I walk "simply" with her. Watch what I mean:
Of course it is not simple to dance in connection to one's partner. Everyone that attempts any partner dance knows that. But with tango's improvisational nature, the musical connection is also crucial. I know people who use the same chronography in salsa or ballroom to any music that happens to be playing. In tango that would truly be seen more clearly as a counterfeit than other forms of partner dance. Time out: I should add right now that I do indeed dance salsa and as a percussionist, understand the intricacies of the music. But now that I dance tango, I dance salsa much differently now, with "paradas" (stops), hesitations and far fewer underarm turns. My salsa feels more like tango (without looking like it) -- it's Afro-Cuban with an Argentine accent.
Tango teaches me that I must be in connection to myself. Learning so many "cool steps" is a way of not getting to know oneself. Although there is value in learning a "vocabulary" of tango steps, many school-taught steps are superfluous. So many steps are parroting the ideas of others. That doesn't do much to help self-discovery. In my first year of dancing tango, I remember doing lots of steps out of anxiety that I might bore my partner. Slowly I found that if the connection is good, and the music is truly leading, that no woman on earth is going to be bored. Well, that was an overstatement. Let me try again: All the women in the world interested in allowing her soul to dance with mine will not be bored. The tango walk allows us to discover ourselves as one and to reveal more of what is on our heart and minds through body language.
In the tango walk, I am reminded that music is the true leader, the woman, my companion, and the next step, a fresh discovery the three of us are finding together as if it were for the very first time.
Every time I go out on a walk I discover something new about the tango walk and about myself. And each time I say, "Why didn't I see that before?" I would not expect you to believe that I keep discovering things about simply walking, because that is unbelievable.
I am sure each time that I have discovered something that it must be the last thing possible. I never expect to learn something new. But it just keeps happening. I learn how to dance tango more efficiently and simply. Some things are complex, such as leading her with my back and torso movement to take just one step as I take three or two steps. Some things I discover are simple, such as a lilt to my gate.
It sometimes takes as many as six months to bring an idea found by walking by myself onto the dance floor. Sometimes I discover the idea on the dance floor, but perfect it or understand it better when I walk later by myself. That happened last night in a waltz with a favorite tanguera: I stepped two against her one in 3/4 time -- a surprising feeling.
What occurred to me after I watched the video (below) of long-time teachers walking in a tango walk for an entire song was that we learn a lot about the connection to the music when we merely walk. Complicated "prefabricated" steps (choreographies) keep us from finding the music and our partner. But something new dawned on me: I realized even finding ourselves is helped by a meditative tango walk, and I reveal my inner world, my soul to my partner if I walk "simply" with her. Watch what I mean:
Of course it is not simple to dance in connection to one's partner. Everyone that attempts any partner dance knows that. But with tango's improvisational nature, the musical connection is also crucial. I know people who use the same chronography in salsa or ballroom to any music that happens to be playing. In tango that would truly be seen more clearly as a counterfeit than other forms of partner dance. Time out: I should add right now that I do indeed dance salsa and as a percussionist, understand the intricacies of the music. But now that I dance tango, I dance salsa much differently now, with "paradas" (stops), hesitations and far fewer underarm turns. My salsa feels more like tango (without looking like it) -- it's Afro-Cuban with an Argentine accent.
Tango teaches me that I must be in connection to myself. Learning so many "cool steps" is a way of not getting to know oneself. Although there is value in learning a "vocabulary" of tango steps, many school-taught steps are superfluous. So many steps are parroting the ideas of others. That doesn't do much to help self-discovery. In my first year of dancing tango, I remember doing lots of steps out of anxiety that I might bore my partner. Slowly I found that if the connection is good, and the music is truly leading, that no woman on earth is going to be bored. Well, that was an overstatement. Let me try again: All the women in the world interested in allowing her soul to dance with mine will not be bored. The tango walk allows us to discover ourselves as one and to reveal more of what is on our heart and minds through body language.
In the tango walk, I am reminded that music is the true leader, the woman, my companion, and the next step, a fresh discovery the three of us are finding together as if it were for the very first time.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Practica at walking alone
My life is always changed by the tango walk,
A dance with only me on a country road.
I walk in harmony with music heard within.
Great mysteries are revealed as I walk outside.
My mind thinks in the language of haiku.
The lightning-struck tree points to the sky
With seared center finger, it’s last gesture.
The upset swallow twitters with no Internet.
A group of deer like voyeurs stares at me.
I smell the water of a lake far away.
The walk answers life's mysteries well. . .
Tango Uniform (a Christmas Story)
Tango Uniform
Teresa and Uriel’s Christmas
The hardest thing for me to be deployed was not getting shot at. Having near-miss IED explosions that dazed me were horrifying too, but the hardest thing was to be away from my fiancé. I wanted to believe that she was being faithful, but there were so many stories of women cheating on their men. “Teresa was different,” I would tell myself. “She has true class and culture. She wouldn’t do that.” But over and over we would hear about affairs that were being firmly denied, and the facts came in that were undeniable. Although it was against regulations, we even had access at S-2 to use satellites to go look at our homes. We could see the pickup trucks parked out in front of our homes, and later the denials over the phone. Soldiers went home for two weeks of R&R leave, and they had their stories too. Infidelity was our obsession.
“Tango Uniform” (meaning simply in radio language “T.U.”) had a meaning in the military for something that was knocked down and not able to get back up. Over the radio, we would hear that a vehicle had broken down and was irreparable. “Call out the wrecker, it’s Tango Uniform.” In reality “Tango Uniform” meant in the rough rider language of the military “tits up” (that is, flat on your back). But we started talking about our relationships being irreparable too because of infidelity. The first sergeant even said at chow, “My marriage is Tango Uniform. The rear detachment commander checked it out for me. My kids even know the guy, and he’s sleeping in my bed.” He didn’t want to go back because he was afraid he’d kill them both, leaving his children without parents – one dead and one in prison.
Before I left for Iraq, Teresa and I had taken some dance classes and we loved it. First we loved salsa the most. But then we discovered Argentine tango. Teresa has been sending me videos of “tangueros” dancing, and I even practiced by myself whenever I had a moment by myself. I loved to watch, but again, the atmosphere of distrust made it very hard for me not to feel jealous and wonder if some sultry tanguero was slipping off with her after a dance. I wondered if she were “Tango Uniform” with him in bed and that our engagement also might be Tango Uniform.
Next to my cot, I always had a stack of her letters that always started, “Dearest Uriel, mi tanguero…” She often wrote about being true to me. She affirmed her maturity, her own self-worth and of course, our love. I hated that I still had my doubts. But I did. The negative thoughts would come, “A lot of women were saying this, and they were off doing the wild thing.” But one thing she said really made me believe her. She told me over a crackling long distance conversation, “Uriel, you know, if a lot of these women had a way of getting their need for touch met, then they might find it easier to be faithful. Tango allows people to get an important need met—the need to be touched. And if they had any sense of culture and self-discipline they would feel no need to go beyond that.” That sounded genuine. I also was able to dance a few times and feel what Teresa was talking about. There was dancing at a large FOB not far from our sector in Bagdad, and they had salsa dancing there. I found myself feeling so much better after that dance, and even more committed to Teresa.
Late in our deployment after I came back from a mission with my platoon, the commander was standing there, and I thought there was bad news. We all fear last minute tragedies in theater or back at home at the last minute before returning. We were supposed to come home on the 10th of January, and we didn’t have much time left in country. But the commander had bad news/good news. “The XO hit an IED, and he’s being MEDEVAC’d. He’s okay, but that means that you’re going back early as the rear-D commander,” he told me. That means that I’d lead the forward party to help prepare for the return of soldiers. The XO would be okay, we learned, but his first stop would be Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Germany.
My emotions were properly dampened as the commander told me. First the XO and I were in basic together; so this was terrible news, but at the same time I knew that I would be home for Christmas. I also felt like a traitor to my platoon, getting to go back early. I felt humiliated telling the soldiers under me, and all the while I was so happy to be leaving that hell hole. I was totally conflicted in my feelings, but like it, love it or hate it, I was going back in time for Christmas. I decided I would keep it a secret that I was coming back.
I had paradoxical feelings especially about seeing Teresa. What would I find? Intellectually, I knew that everything would be okay, but I had these great fears in my gut too. When I arrived I had to go through lots of briefings and medical screens like everyone else. But on Christmas Eve, thank God, I would be free. I knew where Teresa would be from our conversations -- at a Christmas Eve tango party. So I put on my dress blue uniform – the only thing I had at my locker at work. I drove down to the UT, Austin’s ball room, 60 miles from Fort Hood, where it was being held. I put on a big overcoat so as not to cause a scene when people saw me in uniform at the dance.
It took a while for me to spot Teresa. She was dancing with a handsome man, and I felt my face turning red. I stood in the back, and no one seemed to even notice me. I realized that I was spying. I felt so jealous because they were chest to chest, and he danced so well. She looked so satisfied in his arms. I had a feeling of great sadness at first: Like a little boy who was watching his best friend run off with someone else. Then I fought back the rage and jealousy. I tried to stay in the shadows of a far corner but I felt my red hot face would surely alert everyone that I was there. The striped sides of my dress blue uniform pants surely must have given me away too. When that song ended, people were leaving the dance floor and she was coming my way. My stomach twisted and my hands were sweaty. An older gentleman stopped her with a nod of his head. Another song started and they danced. She had not recognized me. The man was old enough to be her father. Wow, he was good. He made the younger man look like a klutz. Although they danced simply, people stopped to watch them. Teresa and he looked as if the music controlled them, forcing them to dance so wonderfully. Teresa looked like she was in heaven, and I realized that it was the music, the touch, the moment that was filling her soul. I felt this … this … huge well-spring of emotion, of love, of trust.
As if I did not even choose to, I felt my overcoat fall to the floor around my feet. People were leaving the dance floor, and someone said, “Teresa! My God, he’s back!”
She was pointing with one hand and the other was over her mouth, realizing how loud she had said it. The room went dead silent. Everyone started clapping, and Teresa came running to me, with a crowd behind her. She melted into my arms. She was crying. Others stood by and gave me hugs like I was their long lost friend. “Thank God you’re back. Teresa has told us so much about you; it’s as if we have known you forever,” an older woman told me, holding onto my hand like my mother would.
This is the tango community: A bunch of people who touch each other as if this were what human beings do best.
The music started again, and she led me out onto the floor.
I felt so self-conscious at first. It was like a wedding dance and we were the only ones on the floor.
I just tried to do what I had seen the older man doing, listening to the music and letting the music move my feet. I danced simply, but it felt like I was on a level that I had never had experienced. It was the embrace, Teresa melting into my soul.
My engagement and my love for her were all saved from my worries of catastrophe and hurt at that moment. How funny that people call us T&U now! Tango Uniform? That is now what Teresa still calls my dress blues. I am reluctant to tell her what "Tango Uniform" really means.
Post Script:Teresa and Uriel’s Christmas
The hardest thing for me to be deployed was not getting shot at. Having near-miss IED explosions that dazed me were horrifying too, but the hardest thing was to be away from my fiancé. I wanted to believe that she was being faithful, but there were so many stories of women cheating on their men. “Teresa was different,” I would tell myself. “She has true class and culture. She wouldn’t do that.” But over and over we would hear about affairs that were being firmly denied, and the facts came in that were undeniable. Although it was against regulations, we even had access at S-2 to use satellites to go look at our homes. We could see the pickup trucks parked out in front of our homes, and later the denials over the phone. Soldiers went home for two weeks of R&R leave, and they had their stories too. Infidelity was our obsession.
“Tango Uniform” (meaning simply in radio language “T.U.”) had a meaning in the military for something that was knocked down and not able to get back up. Over the radio, we would hear that a vehicle had broken down and was irreparable. “Call out the wrecker, it’s Tango Uniform.” In reality “Tango Uniform” meant in the rough rider language of the military “tits up” (that is, flat on your back). But we started talking about our relationships being irreparable too because of infidelity. The first sergeant even said at chow, “My marriage is Tango Uniform. The rear detachment commander checked it out for me. My kids even know the guy, and he’s sleeping in my bed.” He didn’t want to go back because he was afraid he’d kill them both, leaving his children without parents – one dead and one in prison.
Before I left for Iraq, Teresa and I had taken some dance classes and we loved it. First we loved salsa the most. But then we discovered Argentine tango. Teresa has been sending me videos of “tangueros” dancing, and I even practiced by myself whenever I had a moment by myself. I loved to watch, but again, the atmosphere of distrust made it very hard for me not to feel jealous and wonder if some sultry tanguero was slipping off with her after a dance. I wondered if she were “Tango Uniform” with him in bed and that our engagement also might be Tango Uniform.
Next to my cot, I always had a stack of her letters that always started, “Dearest Uriel, mi tanguero…” She often wrote about being true to me. She affirmed her maturity, her own self-worth and of course, our love. I hated that I still had my doubts. But I did. The negative thoughts would come, “A lot of women were saying this, and they were off doing the wild thing.” But one thing she said really made me believe her. She told me over a crackling long distance conversation, “Uriel, you know, if a lot of these women had a way of getting their need for touch met, then they might find it easier to be faithful. Tango allows people to get an important need met—the need to be touched. And if they had any sense of culture and self-discipline they would feel no need to go beyond that.” That sounded genuine. I also was able to dance a few times and feel what Teresa was talking about. There was dancing at a large FOB not far from our sector in Bagdad, and they had salsa dancing there. I found myself feeling so much better after that dance, and even more committed to Teresa.
Late in our deployment after I came back from a mission with my platoon, the commander was standing there, and I thought there was bad news. We all fear last minute tragedies in theater or back at home at the last minute before returning. We were supposed to come home on the 10th of January, and we didn’t have much time left in country. But the commander had bad news/good news. “The XO hit an IED, and he’s being MEDEVAC’d. He’s okay, but that means that you’re going back early as the rear-D commander,” he told me. That means that I’d lead the forward party to help prepare for the return of soldiers. The XO would be okay, we learned, but his first stop would be Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Germany.
My emotions were properly dampened as the commander told me. First the XO and I were in basic together; so this was terrible news, but at the same time I knew that I would be home for Christmas. I also felt like a traitor to my platoon, getting to go back early. I felt humiliated telling the soldiers under me, and all the while I was so happy to be leaving that hell hole. I was totally conflicted in my feelings, but like it, love it or hate it, I was going back in time for Christmas. I decided I would keep it a secret that I was coming back.
I had paradoxical feelings especially about seeing Teresa. What would I find? Intellectually, I knew that everything would be okay, but I had these great fears in my gut too. When I arrived I had to go through lots of briefings and medical screens like everyone else. But on Christmas Eve, thank God, I would be free. I knew where Teresa would be from our conversations -- at a Christmas Eve tango party. So I put on my dress blue uniform – the only thing I had at my locker at work. I drove down to the UT, Austin’s ball room, 60 miles from Fort Hood, where it was being held. I put on a big overcoat so as not to cause a scene when people saw me in uniform at the dance.
It took a while for me to spot Teresa. She was dancing with a handsome man, and I felt my face turning red. I stood in the back, and no one seemed to even notice me. I realized that I was spying. I felt so jealous because they were chest to chest, and he danced so well. She looked so satisfied in his arms. I had a feeling of great sadness at first: Like a little boy who was watching his best friend run off with someone else. Then I fought back the rage and jealousy. I tried to stay in the shadows of a far corner but I felt my red hot face would surely alert everyone that I was there. The striped sides of my dress blue uniform pants surely must have given me away too. When that song ended, people were leaving the dance floor and she was coming my way. My stomach twisted and my hands were sweaty. An older gentleman stopped her with a nod of his head. Another song started and they danced. She had not recognized me. The man was old enough to be her father. Wow, he was good. He made the younger man look like a klutz. Although they danced simply, people stopped to watch them. Teresa and he looked as if the music controlled them, forcing them to dance so wonderfully. Teresa looked like she was in heaven, and I realized that it was the music, the touch, the moment that was filling her soul. I felt this … this … huge well-spring of emotion, of love, of trust.
As if I did not even choose to, I felt my overcoat fall to the floor around my feet. People were leaving the dance floor, and someone said, “Teresa! My God, he’s back!”
She was pointing with one hand and the other was over her mouth, realizing how loud she had said it. The room went dead silent. Everyone started clapping, and Teresa came running to me, with a crowd behind her. She melted into my arms. She was crying. Others stood by and gave me hugs like I was their long lost friend. “Thank God you’re back. Teresa has told us so much about you; it’s as if we have known you forever,” an older woman told me, holding onto my hand like my mother would.
This is the tango community: A bunch of people who touch each other as if this were what human beings do best.
The music started again, and she led me out onto the floor.
I just tried to do what I had seen the older man doing, listening to the music and letting the music move my feet. I danced simply, but it felt like I was on a level that I had never had experienced. It was the embrace, Teresa melting into my soul.
My engagement and my love for her were all saved from my worries of catastrophe and hurt at that moment. How funny that people call us T&U now! Tango Uniform? That is now what Teresa still calls my dress blues. I am reluctant to tell her what "Tango Uniform" really means.
This story is of course fiction, but so true about soldiers, love, trust and what tango has to offer the world.
Photographer:
Izabella Tabarovsky
Photo model:
Dina Dalipagic
Note: "Tango Therapist" besides writing this blog and doing other things in life, is a lieutenant colonel in the US Army Reserves, Medical Service Corps.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
In search of the perfect tanda
I am no longer searching for the perfect woman.
I have found so many perfect women that this is no longer my quest. Now, I look to have the perfect tanda with them.
This is what it takes (and it is not impossible):
I have to know myself.
I know that I have limitations and some talents too. My limitations that would get in the way of a perfect tanda with the perfect woman includes (1) being a performer from being a musician for many years, which would ruin just dancing for her; (2) being nervous and trying to impress her with some new move. My talent is to hear the music and hold her as if she were the only woman in the world. I often have this sense of information transfer, but it may be delusions that her soul is talking to mine. If it is a delusion, why does it happen so often that a few words confirm what I felt?
I have to know her.
What are her limitations and talents? I may not have ever danced with her so I am discovering these things, taking it slowly, like reading a beautiful poem or walking on a path in the Cloud Forest in Costa Rica. If I sense that she is burdened by something in her life, will I especially dance as if we are carrying her load together? If she is celebrating, can we dance as if she and I were children, just happy to get out and play? She was just taking off her shoes, but put them back on for me. Do I dance, careful of her hurting feet?
I have to know the music.
We wouldn't be dancing if the music did not lead us to the dance floor, or inspire us to our first step. The music has a beginning a middle and an end, like all journeys. We are sharing this journey. I am NOT driving, although I do have an important role. I am NOT leading, although she has been taught to think that I am; her part truly is to hear the leader (the music) and we both have our roles in allowing a unique expression of two souls dancing together, maybe for the first or the last time. It is a sacred journey, teaching something about life.
I have to know the community of dancers.
The couple in front of me inspire me because I feel their embrace without even looking at them. They never put my tanguera in danger. Luckily this is the same behind me. Both are my dear friends, never tailgating or doing crazy moves on the social dance floor. Even the crazy guy off to the side, "Loco Larry," doesn't really bother me. I protect my partner from some of his wild lateral moves and his partner, "Loca Liliana," the woman who loves to whip up her heels when so inclined. I have learned some new stutter steps just because of him. Really. Some great moves are discovered in avoiding danger. Every village has a nut and every milonga too. Might as well get used to the world being the way it is.
I am searching. I am finding. These moments are marvelous.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Marvelous Moments (part 2)
A foundation for Magical Moments:
in tango and maybe life
From an earlier post "Marvelous Moments" and discussions with mostly women, I became interested in why many women have had their marvelous moments in the past but now it is all down hill. I think I know why this is. Marvelous moments are when a man takes them on a great ride. As they become more and more sophisticated, that happens less and less.
I asked these two questions of many tangueras whom I know:
First: Is this true of you? (comments for Marvelous Moments Part 1):
I also talked with many others. Is it really true that the good times are limited and sometimes over after the first years of euphoric moments?
Isn It is an existential and spiritual question? So this post may uncover more than just tango. It is a spiritual discovery about any subject, and tango is just one example. The question is about blessings. I used "euphoric" or "marvelous" moments, but a more ancient idea it would have been "blessings." Do our blessings decrease as we get older or more experienced with anything and everything we do? That is the true challenge, and tango can be the medium to discover spiritual, philosophical or even developmental truths about our lives.
I will have more comments at the end, but here are some of the thoughtful comments I got from tangueras whom I have asked about their euphoric moments and how they might maintain these marvelous moments:
From a young a fairly new dancer who really shines now:
"I've never really realized that, but I'd have to say it is true. I recall having many more moments of OMG OMG OMG during about months 6-12 of tango. The first 6 months I mainly felt like a bumbling idiot. But after I gained my footing and had some confidence, the magic started flowing. I'll never forget:
-the first time I did a gancho without even thinking about it.
-the first time I felt a connection with someone
-the first time I recognized a song and landed the ending perfectly as a result
-the first time a certain leader asked me to dance
-the first time I felt the beauty of a perfectly led volcada
It's all like the first few months of any love affair (and that's what tango is right?) :) Your first kiss, your first dance, your first "I love you". You can't recapture that magic. But, like any relationship, in order to keep things working, you:
-talk
-listen
-forgive
-be open
-role play (lol)
-take care of yourself
-respect
-try new things
-keep learning
I hear that as a result of these things and time, something even more beautiful emerges- something even better than that beginning magic. I'm not there yet, in my relationship or in tango. But I'm gonna stay tuned."
So that revealed an inkling of how tango is just one manifestation of finding our magic moments in life.
From a Tanguera in Australia:
"I have had magical moments but I am looking for new ones. I think a women maintains the moments with how she wants to dance in the moment with who she is with. . . . I remain positive as I know that when I am ready the magic and dance partner will happen for me. In the meantime I dance with my teachers who always present a magic moment for me as they allow me to dance (it is just like floating around the floor with them ) I am in heaven so to speak."
From an Austin Tanguera:
She described amazing moments in Buenos Aires with great leaders and great the ambiance of the city. I think she then described very well the substance of what these eurphoric moments are made from:
"Sometimes we connect, head to toe, soul to soul.. an energy blend that truly feels like One. We rarely talk about it or acknowledge it... but I think it has to do with something mystical and mysterious... chemistry maybe...and I think it has to do with being present, and slowing down,... a kind of reverie or reverence for the beauty of the other, and the beauty of the music and dance."
And her recipe for having more of these moments (and she has a lot of them):
I wish you, more than anything else, not merely more blessings but a protective house built of blessings surrounding you.
in tango and maybe life
 |
| National Geographic "Unique Moments" |
From an earlier post "Marvelous Moments" and discussions with mostly women, I became interested in why many women have had their marvelous moments in the past but now it is all down hill. I think I know why this is. Marvelous moments are when a man takes them on a great ride. As they become more and more sophisticated, that happens less and less.
I asked these two questions of many tangueras whom I know:
First: Is this true of you? (comments for Marvelous Moments Part 1):
"Thank you for sharing this experience, and for putting it into words so beautifully. I can empathize with your 'beginner' partner as my most intense, out of this world moments in tango came when I was a relative beginner (I'm speaking as a follower)."
Second: What do you think a person can do to maintain the magic? I would like to list your answers later on a blog I will name "Recipe for Magic Moments." Perhaps we can all learn from each other.
Marvelous Moments also caused my friend and fellow "blogista," Mari and I to talk a lot about this subject, and she published three great posts on this subject of how to make the marvelous moments continue.
Second: What do you think a person can do to maintain the magic? I would like to list your answers later on a blog I will name "Recipe for Magic Moments." Perhaps we can all learn from each other.
Marvelous Moments also caused my friend and fellow "blogista," Mari and I to talk a lot about this subject, and she published three great posts on this subject of how to make the marvelous moments continue.
I also talked with many others. Is it really true that the good times are limited and sometimes over after the first years of euphoric moments?
Isn It is an existential and spiritual question? So this post may uncover more than just tango. It is a spiritual discovery about any subject, and tango is just one example. The question is about blessings. I used "euphoric" or "marvelous" moments, but a more ancient idea it would have been "blessings." Do our blessings decrease as we get older or more experienced with anything and everything we do? That is the true challenge, and tango can be the medium to discover spiritual, philosophical or even developmental truths about our lives.
I will have more comments at the end, but here are some of the thoughtful comments I got from tangueras whom I have asked about their euphoric moments and how they might maintain these marvelous moments:
From a young a fairly new dancer who really shines now:
"I've never really realized that, but I'd have to say it is true. I recall having many more moments of OMG OMG OMG during about months 6-12 of tango. The first 6 months I mainly felt like a bumbling idiot. But after I gained my footing and had some confidence, the magic started flowing. I'll never forget:
-the first time I did a gancho without even thinking about it.
-the first time I felt a connection with someone
-the first time I recognized a song and landed the ending perfectly as a result
-the first time a certain leader asked me to dance
-the first time I felt the beauty of a perfectly led volcada
It's all like the first few months of any love affair (and that's what tango is right?) :) Your first kiss, your first dance, your first "I love you". You can't recapture that magic. But, like any relationship, in order to keep things working, you:
-talk
-listen
-forgive
-be open
-role play (lol)
-take care of yourself
-respect
-try new things
-keep learning
I hear that as a result of these things and time, something even more beautiful emerges- something even better than that beginning magic. I'm not there yet, in my relationship or in tango. But I'm gonna stay tuned."
So that revealed an inkling of how tango is just one manifestation of finding our magic moments in life.
From a Tanguera in Australia:
"I have had magical moments but I am looking for new ones. I think a women maintains the moments with how she wants to dance in the moment with who she is with. . . . I remain positive as I know that when I am ready the magic and dance partner will happen for me. In the meantime I dance with my teachers who always present a magic moment for me as they allow me to dance (it is just like floating around the floor with them ) I am in heaven so to speak."
From an Austin Tanguera:
She described amazing moments in Buenos Aires with great leaders and great the ambiance of the city. I think she then described very well the substance of what these eurphoric moments are made from:
"Sometimes we connect, head to toe, soul to soul.. an energy blend that truly feels like One. We rarely talk about it or acknowledge it... but I think it has to do with something mystical and mysterious... chemistry maybe...and I think it has to do with being present, and slowing down,... a kind of reverie or reverence for the beauty of the other, and the beauty of the music and dance."
From a Tanguera in NJ -- some great advice:
"Hola Mark!
"Hola Mark!
First: Yes, magic moments still happen after 4 years. It depends on the leader. Some dances are a wonderful dreams and others are nightmares. For me, a lot of the magic is in the embrace. I prefer a very secure, very close embrace so we move as one. Even just walking in parallel system can be heavenly if the connection is right. It's the intermittent reinforcement that makes me continue to dance. Each time I dance I hope it will be a magical one."
Here's her recipe for magical moments:
"Here is my list:
"Here is my list:
- Feel like one with your partner.
- Communicate very carefully and clearly to your partner.
- Develop a fantastic embrace.
- Develop very good basic technical skills.
- Listen to and express the music. Don't just do a series of steps.
- Have good personal hygiene - including flossing.
But, accept that the magic will not happen with everyone.
I remember dancing with a visiting teacher with whom I felt way beyond wonderful. A friend of mine also danced with him and said, 'So what's the big deal?' Ah, those euphoric moments... it's what keeps us coming back for more."
From a young woman in Texas:
"First: to me the magic moments started after I became more advanced. That is, after I've gotten much better in connections, musicality, and improvisation. I've also discovered that my magic moments tend to occur with partners in the nuevo tango style (both open and close embraces) and with nueveo/alternative music.
Second: to maintain the magic, it takes complete relaxation of the body and 100% of giving yourself to your partner and music. Complete trust and focus on becoming part of the music and each other."
Second: to maintain the magic, it takes complete relaxation of the body and 100% of giving yourself to your partner and music. Complete trust and focus on becoming part of the music and each other."
A real firecraker tangera in DC:
Magic moment for her were "... when someone half my age tells me I'm "perfect" ~~ that's the dance talking! ...or you dance a perfect tango with a complete stranger from half way around the world and tango is the only "language" you have in common. . . or sometimes it's as simple as a knowing glance or an impish smile."
Magic moment for her were "... when someone half my age tells me I'm "perfect" ~~ that's the dance talking! ...or you dance a perfect tango with a complete stranger from half way around the world and tango is the only "language" you have in common. . . or sometimes it's as simple as a knowing glance or an impish smile."
And her recipe for having more of these moments (and she has a lot of them):
"I think it's like cooking (or how Italians and Cajuns cook). There may be a basic recipe, but you go with your intuition ... and new secret ingredient comes along."
Here is my take on the recipe:
Men may have it easier. I think that we find ourselves willing to dance with women at all levels and so we find ourselves being guides to magic and it makes it magical for us. Many women still put up their nose to me because I am not at their level (at least in their mind) -- or they want to be taken on some Nuevo trip that I am not willing or capable of doing. For the most part they are sad souls who look so pathetic when they are not dancing and they are often just sitting there waiting for the man to come take them on a wonderful ride. They are also the incarnation of this problem of not having enough magical moments, not enough blessings. I don't mean to put them down. I truly feel sorry for them.
The role should change from being passively waiting for a Nirvana-ride to the active role in dance and also of being a mentor, the one who brings magic. Women can do this. But it will need new paradigms that are not "lead and follow" or "entrege" (submitting to the the man). [Please see the November 2010 post "The end is of leading is near." http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/2010/11/end-of-leading-is-near.html] One teacher told me: "I am driving and they are going out for a ride." But I counter: Submissive women will have fewer magical moments later on.
The DC "firecracker" (mentioned above) told me about the magic moment that a woman can have through mentorship:
"...When someone told me they felt like they were dancing for the first time (with me) and not doing steps -- that was really a big moment for me...."
Also, when a fairly young tanguero recently died suddenly, she remembered that he had just told a friend that she had been a mentor, one of the few women who would dance with him. She had never realized the importance of her active role, and luckily she learned of it right before he died. THAT is a magic "moment" that expands to influence us for life. Surely, this is true for the many mentors I have had. My first tango coach is replete with magical moments (from El Paso). She mentors and enjoys learning. The tangueras in Austin danced with me and saw me grow, and now they have a true milonguero. The magic moment was built over time and through patience. Wasn't this why tango partners weep in each others arms? Well, that is how it has been for me when I have left a tango community for reasons of finding work. We had built a house of magical moments, and like a child leaving the house, it was bitter-sweet goodbye but powerful reminder of the paradox of life that we must embrace the moment, we cannot stop or hold it.
"...I hold you and wish
I could hold the moment as well"
[from the tango poem, Embrace the Moment]
The DC "firecracker" (mentioned above) told me about the magic moment that a woman can have through mentorship:
"...When someone told me they felt like they were dancing for the first time (with me) and not doing steps -- that was really a big moment for me...."
Also, when a fairly young tanguero recently died suddenly, she remembered that he had just told a friend that she had been a mentor, one of the few women who would dance with him. She had never realized the importance of her active role, and luckily she learned of it right before he died. THAT is a magic "moment" that expands to influence us for life. Surely, this is true for the many mentors I have had. My first tango coach is replete with magical moments (from El Paso). She mentors and enjoys learning. The tangueras in Austin danced with me and saw me grow, and now they have a true milonguero. The magic moment was built over time and through patience. Wasn't this why tango partners weep in each others arms? Well, that is how it has been for me when I have left a tango community for reasons of finding work. We had built a house of magical moments, and like a child leaving the house, it was bitter-sweet goodbye but powerful reminder of the paradox of life that we must embrace the moment, we cannot stop or hold it.
"...I hold you and wish
I could hold the moment as well"
[from the tango poem, Embrace the Moment]
Conclusion:
I am not sure if I know any recipe. But there is something we all can learn about counting our blessings, or dancing with souls not just partners, or mentoring newer tangueros/tangueras by having an active role that isn't "lead and follow" but distinct and powerful for both men and women.
In talking with so many about this and in my own reflection on "Magical Moments," I discovered or rediscovered that euphoric moments that are seen as separate events will always have a tradgic finiteness about them. What if we link our blessings and make them into a structure? Then the euphoric moments of a relationship are not thrown out just because the relationship ended. All things end on earth; so cherishing the euphoria of that relationship and acknowleging its end is a far more resilient way to embrace life.
I humbly submit, that perhaps the recipe of to continued Magical Moments (blessings) is to count those you already have as if they were bricks. They are all linked in the building of your life. Anything that is not a blessing is the weather. Keep all your bricks, no matter who gave them to you. The bricks stay; the weather dissipates.
I wish you, more than anything else, not merely more blessings but a protective house built of blessings surrounding you.
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