Tango Psychopaths?

When psychopaths show up to a milonga, fear is a gift.  Do you know a young woman? Get out your pen.  I have some resources for you that could save their lives or save them from harm.

It's not just tango. You cannot spot a psychopath easily in any part of your life.  They do not wear name tags.  Psychopaths are very much like "sociopaths," except a sociopath is someone nearly anyone can spot as being dangerous or at least "creepy." 

I wish there was book specifically on tango vultures (less dangerous individuals) or psychopaths (very dangerous individuals), but I hope that this frank article will help tango communities be better equipped to deal with predatory behavior that might harm not only a few people but the entire community.

A Tango Vulture is a person who uses his or her dancing skills in tango to take advantage of especially new members of the tango community.  This person is more than just "inappropriate."  He or she is a predator. Please do not over-use this word, however.  A Tango Vulture is a rare bird, but one in a tango community is one too many. There are moments that people get mixed up into some drama in life, but I think that in general, many tango communities are safer than many other social groups.  And yes, I know this is an unpleasant subject, but if it saves a few people from harm, I hope it is worth having addressed the subject.*

Let's not just point fingers at the person who is causing havoc in a community.  When a person ruins tango -- usually for a fairly new dancer in the community -- it usually started as a tango community failure.  Clay Nelson, a tango instructor and festival organizer in Portland, Oregon, charges the tango community to protect especially new members of the community.  He charges the senior members to take action.  He writes:

"Don’t accept predatory or toxic behavior from individuals. This can be a difficult issue. Occasionally there will be an individual who has socially unfit behavior. When this happens, do not take it upon yourself to correct it. First discuss it with a few of your most trusted and respected comrades in the community and if, and only if, they agree with you, then take appropriate action by gently confronting the individual as a group and discuss the matter. Afterwards, carefully monitor that person's behavior and if it doesn't change, you may have to be more persistent. In a worse case scenario, shun them from the community--however, be careful. No matter how awful an individual is, he or she will always have some allies and friends. Shunning or banning someone from the community will almost always cause some division/riff/split and/or controversy within your community."

Read his entire article for the context of these ideas in the arena of "community building."

Let me add something to Clay's point about the Tango Vulture having important alliances in the community. There is a good reason for the Tango Vulture to have lots of friends:  He or she needs the protection of blind friends to shield him or her from those who figure out what's going on. My first exposure to this fact was from a training article in a newsletter, "FBI Reports" on victimology and specifically pedophilia.  Having important friends to cover antisocial behavior is part of the make-up of very scary psychopaths.  When psychopaths and pedophiles are under legal scrutiny for criminal behavior, they often parade a long line of "character witnesses" into court who will vouch for what great people they are. (You know this if you watch the news!) However, forgetting the many examples of proven pedophiles, the public and untrained observer is convinced by this band new parade character witnesses.  Being a nice and active community person is not a bad thing, but it does not impress the forensic psychiatrist or the FBI investigator, who know that appearing charming and social is one of several "red flags" investigators should be looking for. Unknowing people think that nice people and active community (even church community) people just cannot be that bad. 

Although a Tango Vulture is not necessarily a dangerous psychopath, they have many of the characteristics of a psychopath. Every tango community of medium size I know has at least one Tango Vulture, who stalks new tangueras (young and old) as they arrive on the scene.  They then use the magic of tango (the socially accepted embrace, the joy of movement to music and the joy of mastery of improvisational skill) to get what they want.  Most of their "crimes" are those of selfish passion, but these behaviors could slowly grow in maliciousness. Any tango community aware of a Tango Vulture should be protective of any new community member and the community's reputation at large.

Tango Vultures are Rare / Psychopaths, Rarer
No one single "red flag" makes a person a "vulture," so please do not over use or over-think this.  Some people are just jerks but are not predatory! With this first in mind, I will share the Tango Vulture's Method of Operation (MO) as I have observed it and have read about as a therapist:

I have a colleague who is a highly trained psychiatrist.  She is called into court about criminal behavior as a expert witness.  A while ago she recommended that I read a book that unwittingly describes the Tango Vulture.  Especially any younger female (dancer or not) should add this book to her "must read" book list:  The Gift of Fear:  Survival signals that protect us from violence by Gavin de Becker.  This book has been translated into 14 languages and was #1 on the New York Times best sellers list. 

Here is Gavin de Becker's list of red flags or "survival signals" that can save you from harm or even save your life:

•  Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn't really true.
• Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her.
• Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible.
• Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one.
• Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return.
• The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means you will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt you.
• Discounting the Word "No." Refusing to accept rejection.**

The usual victim cannot complain to the community. She has no voice. She simply disappears out of shame or no longer sees her Safe Place as being tango. The new person is soon gone after the affair is over, and the tango community? Too often the ladies did not take the new tanguera aside to mention that "Señor Fulano" may be a great tanguero, but he has had more than a few affairs with new dancers. If this appeals to the new tanguera, then stand back and watch. But she deserves some kind Older-Sister advice--not a careless live-and-let-live philosophy. This sort of spectator sport of watching predatory behavior in the tango community could cause irreparable damage to the tango community.  Can't the tango community's gentlemen tell the Tango Vulture that it is not appropriate to monopolize the time of a new dancer, and point out that the young dancers he "mentors" often give up dancing?  In other words, someone has to have the guts to say, "We are watching you!"  It should be a group of tangueros, who approaches this person, not because of danger, but because the community should have a voice, and it is not just the opinion of one person. You can also slip him a copy of this blog post into his shoe bag some evening.

It may seem simple, but if a tango community values tango etiquette the Tango Vulture or psychopath already is in the limelight of inappropriate behavior, and danger is diverted.

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*When I wrote this an on Tango Vultures in 2011, a few of my readers contacted me to say that the series of posts I had written on this subject was too negative.  Well, I'd like to make people happy through my posts, but even more, I would like a few people not to be harmed. Two years after writing this post, two community members--the murderer and murder victim--were hardly mentioned in the community, but the newspapers told the story. Also, some have contacted me personally to thank me for being able to avoid predators, whom they had encountered. They found my posts via an Internet search after creepy behavior at the milonga.

**Quoted from Wikipedia on The Gift of Fear.


Photo credit: Lisa Tannenbaum, 2009.http://newmexicophotojournal.com/2009/11/

Los Boleos de los Gauchos

As a musician with the MGM Orchestra, I had friends from Argentina called "The Gauchos." They had a great show. They used the boledoras (pictured to the right) to play rhythms on the floor along with counter-rhythms with their feet. It was outrageously complicated and wonderful. They played drums, threw knives, used whips and danced. I could swear that they called their boledoras "boleos" as a shortened form. However, I cannot find this in the literature. Anyway, the boledoras were used to whip around an animals leg (instead of the lasso that North American cowboys use. I always thought that the word "boleo" came from los gauchos and not simply the word to throw (bolear). http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boleadoras

I asked my friend, Lou Allard, who was a backstage worker at the MGM about what he remembered from the the Gauchos' show.  He remembered the term they used as "bolas." So a throw is a "boleo" and the feminine noun of what the gaucho throws is a "bola," probably short for a "boleadora."

The ONLY reason that I think that the boleo comes from what gauchos did is because of injury on the dance floor in my experience is most often from boleos.  That must be the gaucho link!

Often the gaucho would cause injury from his "boleo de la boleadora."  In hunting smaller game, injury was certain.  I have seen this too often on the dance floor to know that functionally it seems like a typical cowboy move on the social dance floor.  Looking to catch cows or hunt small game?  "¡Qué boleo, Gaucho!"  [What a throw, cowboy!]  One tanguera told me that her NYC tanguero told her that he was going to clear a path -- and he did with her boleos!  

Before anyone takes me too seriously, Gauchos dancing tango is a Hollywood invention, I have learned.  Oh darn!  I spent a lot of money on my gaucho spurs in order to look authentic at the milonga.  :-)

Now in all seriousness:  My biggest regret, now that I have become interested in tango and Argentine culture, is WHY did I not learn more about the rhythms these amazing gauchos played!


Note: at the 4-minute mark, the Gauchos demonstrate their talents with their boleadoras.


Photo Credit:  Lou Allard's copy of a signed picture of the Gauchos.
Boeadora photo --  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bolas

Don't Ask; Don't Tell TANGO

Don't Ask; Don't Tell* tango helps avoid feelings of rejection.  Sure, among friends and when the answer will undoubtedly be "yes," asking for a dance might be okay.  Otherwise, the rule of "don't ask, don't tell [a lie]" still reigns in tango.

A report from a friend in upstate New York tells me that a local teacher tells students that the cabeceo** is an old fashion idea.  But when I think about it, many tango aficionados in my city are unwilling to practice the age-old wisdom of non-verbally requesting to dance with a nod of the head.  Wisdom.  That is right.  It is wise to avoid verbally asking for a dance from a stranger or a person with whom you do not generally dance. Use the cabeceo!  Why?  In other dances, it is customary to dance only one dance at a time.  In tango a man or a woman asks with their eyes because it is a commitment or 3 or 4 dances -- a tanda.  And tango can be more intimate than other dances -- but not necessarily.  Tango is a hug, but some dances are more connected from the waist down.  So the intimacy "excuse" is not nearly as important as the time you are investing being with someone.

In the scenario above, the first verbal request spawns a verbal rejection because he asks.  Sure, she may be irked that he is hoovering.  He could have engaged in a conversation and that would have told him if the next step could have been to see how she is reciprocating.   A nice song comes on and he smiles and does a nod towards the music.  Instead, Tanguero #1 just asks out of nowhere and is surprised by the answer.  The second tanguero asks over the head of tanguero #1.  This, in turn, then puts her in the position of not wanting to grind salt in tanguero #1's wound, but she really wants to dance with the object of her interest.  So she impulsively says "yes."  Now, the milonga has created all sorts of bad feelings--all because of an "old fashioned rule" has been broken. 

In a matter of moments, three instances of tango etiquette were thrown out.  Two verbal dance requests, and a woman who is unaware that if she says "no, not now" that she is obliged to sit out the tanda.  It is the equivocation "not now" that puts her in time-out.  Miss Manners says so.  Some will disagree, but "no, I am resting" is often a white lie, which is easily tested with the next request.  Tanguero #1 is devastated, and tanguero #2 has gotten into the middle of something he didn't know about.  Miss Tanguera now has bad karma and will have bunions early in life or some other curse shall come upon her.

Tango etiquette is not "old-fashioned":  Manners matter. 


PS:  I realize that the cabeceo may be something that slowly becomes accepted in areas who are unaware of tango culture.  For survival in these "cabeceo-free zones," I have a new resource page on the right margin of this blog, and there is a link to the this page (written by a woman who lives in both London and Buenos Aires) after a larger discussion on the pros of using the cabeceo and at the end of Chapter 2 of Tango Etiquette. 


*One half of Tango-Beat's readers are outside of the US; so for my international readers, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is a reference to a long standing rule in the US military for gays.  The don't-ask-don't-tell rule was recently repealed by a concerted effort by the Commander and Chief of our military (President Obama).  In the past if a member of the US Armed Forces publicly proclaimed that they were gay, the Armed Forces member would be thrown out of the military.  Also the question could not be asked by the chain of command.  Of course, here I am just playing with words, making up a new meaning for tango:  Don't ask [for a dance]; don't tell [a lie, like, "I am resting"].  Just say "no thanks."  No lie?  No time-out!

**Cabeceo:  From the word "cabeza" (head), a nod of the head, indicating a desire to dance.  For more on this and tango etiquette, please visit this link:  http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/p/los-codigos-tango-etiquette-made-easy.html



Photo credits:
Find some great cartoons about dance at
 http://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane/2011/06/07 .

Tangosutra for her eyes only!

Is your tangosutra for "her eyes only" or for the crowds?

In earlier posts I have mentioned teachers who perhaps were not spectacular on the dance floor but great teachers.  The teaching couple in Austin who had by far the biggest single impact on my dancing are Stephen and Marty.  They and a few of their students would find each other at the snack table during performances at festivals or at a milonga.  It was a great time for us to hydrate and nibble on some strawberries or chase the last of the grapes around the plate while the rest of the tangueros/tangueras put on their sweaters and adoringly watched the awesome tango performers.

Stephen and Marty were not alone in this aversion of performance tango at a crowded-floor festival or milonga.  I also experienced the same thing in Washington, DC at the Tangosutra Festival back in October when I first arrived in "D'C-ity of Thieves." At Tangosutra the instructors* didn't steal a moment of dance time from us.  They purposely decided NOT to perform at the festival for philosophical reasons.  They explained to us that they were there to teach and model appropriate behavior for social tango and not show off or do the very thing that should not be done on the social dance floor.

An Embarrassing Moment
At the Thursday opening milonga in DC, I went over to a man whom I never had seen before, and I was praising him for his floorcraft.  I felt so comfortable next to him, I told him.  I heard his accent and realized he was from Buenos Aires.  We continued in Spanish, and I finally realized that he might be an INSTRUCTOR.  Oh my God, who would have ever guessed that someone next to me who is practicing the best of floorcraft would be a tango instructor!?  It was a tango-miracle. :-)

This unknown (to me) caballero, Maximilano Gluzman, ended up being a great instructor, a great tango philosopher and a consummate gentleman.  Later that night and into the festival I noticed others with excellent floorcraft that night -- Sabá and Krebs -- who were also instructors.  Much of the training we had at that festival was about musicality and floorcraft.  One interesting class that Maxi had was on what the community of dancers could do to protect themselves with "rogue dancers," endangering others on the social dance floor.

I do not mean to say these instructors at Tangosutra were not great dancers.  But tango is all about dancing just for your partner; so don't ask me, ask their partners what it was like to dance with them.  They dance in public, sure, but "for her eyes only."

*The Honorable Faculty at Tangosutra Festival last October:

Karina Colmeiro & Felipe Martinez
Mariana Galassi with Juan Cruz Masotta
María Olivera & Gustavo Benzecry Sabá
Silvina Valz & Oliver Kolker
Sergio Alessandro Buslje
Joaquín Canay
Maximiliano Gluzman
-And-
Alex Krebs

PS:  I wish not to disparage tango performers who have a range of talent and can dance the full spectrum of tango.  Tango Fantasía has it place.  Visual tango draws new dancers to the tango community, and I love to watch videos of truly great performers.  Great performers like Murat Erdemsel and Daniela Arcuri balance themselves off by being great teachers of a spectrum of tango not just performance tango.  My next post will address the fuller-spectrum teacher, and I will suggest Albert Schweitzer as one of the best examples of a multi-talented teacher.  Tentative title:  Tango Jocks vs Tango Teachers.

A Competition-Free Zone

I had a dream about going to a village in which cooperation and teamwork are the only value.  The chief of the village showed me a race track in which the participants had many obstacles to overcome.  Each needed teamwork to overcome, and at the end the finish line was wide enough to have the whole team go over the line at the same time.  All things I experienced, including eating, were about ending together.  No one would get up after eating and clean up as the others ate.  They finished eating together by watching the pace of others.  They even drank the same way.

Then at night I was invited to see a village dance.  When I went into their dance arena I was amazed to see a group of musicians come out and one had a bandonión.  Could it be?  My jaw dropped down as they played a di Sarli tango.  My paralyzed shock made my body freeze as I heard the chief of the villiage explain tango.

"This is a dance that has a race track, but there is no beginning or end," he explained.  "It appears that everyone is dancing in couples, but in reality this is a dance of the whole community.  No one is trying to be better than another person.  Sure, there are talented dancers, but we all try to value the dance first between two people.  That means, that the man holds her as if she was the only woman in the world.  If she is old and sick, he holds and steadies her as if she were his beloved grandmother.  However he sees her at that moment, she is the only woman in the world."

I wanted to respond but I was still paralysed.

He knew that I was from the outside world of competition; so he explained more:  "The women learn also to be the same way.  She embraces the man as if he were the only man on earth.  Once they have done this, the dancer can also appreciate the others around them.  The dancers dance with the whole community with  playfulness on the dance floor that makes it a dance of the community.  If it were not this way, people could just stay home or dance alone in their kitchen."

Finally, I could speak, and said, "I see that they dance tango in a way I have not seen before.  Where did they learn those steps?"

"They didn't learn steps," says the chief.  "We found that once a teacher taught steps that competition took over.  We found that people horded steps and some were rich and other poor.  Other teachers competed to have more visually appealing steps, and soon the most visually appealing steps caused even more competition on the dance floor.  So now our teachers focus on how to embrace each other and how to follow exactly what the music is telling them.  We emphasize dancing together and dancing for your partner.  Since then, we have noticed a new level of original dancing and a new appreciation of how the music informs us where to put our feet.  It may not look as pretty as in the world of competition, but are people happy there?"

I shook my head to indicate a sad "no."  Then I woke up.  My newspaper was at my front door.  The Wall Street Journal, I read with my coffee, has an article about a legal case in Buenos Aires.  I am not surprised that the journalist would not understand the essence of tango.  He must be thinking "ballroom" or "Dancing with the Stars."  He reports on how xenophobic the Argentines are about wanting to have their own national championship.  This is tantamount to complaining that the English have a national marathon competition and they are being sued by Kenyans for not allowing them to run.  The article makes me wonder who will "win."  I am sure someone will.  Then will people be happy?  No!  So I hope to return to the village and have a talk with the Chief about this. Will you join me?

I said it was a dream.  But it is not a dream in the night.  It is my dream for tango.  The village is your community!  You are the chief.  Tango is your dance to help understand the rules and values of a world without competition -- if you will allow it to do that.  Be aware that once you establish this village and it grows with others that soon the world will find out about this great place.  The visitors will go home and maybe create competition-free zones or another little village.  Some reporter then, might visit each of these competition-free areas and write a traveler's guide.  Of course, everyone will want to go to the place that earned five stars on being the "best competition-free zone."  The world will certainly find out, and now the competition-free zones will need to compete for first place to keep the tourists coming.

There may not be a way preserve this state of mind of non-competitiveness.  Maybe we are doomed to make everything into a competition!  So I am comitted to living with the paradox of tango being antithetical to competitiveness but strangely well suited to competition.

Tango, like life, is a paradox.  But I hope that you and I will embrace this paradox.  One day we will meet and dance together.  If you are a man, I will dance near you/with you on this race track with no finishing line.  If you are a woman, please hold me as if I were the only man for that moment, and I will hold you as if you were the only woman.

Maybe this is not a really a dream; perhaps it is a delusion.  I like my delusions.  Will you join me, Chief?




Photo credit for village chief:
http://www.visualphotos.com/image/1x5075608/village_chief_in_ghana_africa

Highs and Lows at a milonga

If you put out your hand, perhaps you may find yourself richer than before. 

We all have had a tough milonga.  I have a pretty good idea that mostly the "highs" people have at a milonga are from excellent dancers, and the "lows" are from some beginner that tortures you though a tanda. Well, that has happened to me too, but not last night.

First, the Mountain High
Last night I put my hand out to a woman as she came near, wending her way through the crowd as I stood near the dance floor smiling at her.  She had assented to my cabeceo from about 4 meters away.  However, as I put out my hand, two women put theirs in mine!  Now I had a problem!

Every milonga has a story!  About four tandas later I told the lady who had mistakenly thought I was inviting her to dance, "Ma'am, I think I owe you a dance."  She seemed eager but very shy.  I asked her name, and from this intro, I started speaking to her in Spanish.  I found out that this little Peruvian lady had taken lessons but had never gone to a milonga before.   I don't think I will ever have a self-esteem issue after all the praise that sweet woman bestowed on me.  She didn't know that she was to stay with me for the three waltzes of the tanda.  She lavished embarrassing praise upon me, and nearly took off!  I had to stop her from leaving.  I told her about "el grupo de canciones" of a tanda.  I knew that as she was leaving that it was my way out of dancing more, but instead I danced the entire four songs of the tanda.  It was really wonderful. She was remarkably talented. It was her maiden voyage.  She made my night.

Now the Valley
I dance with a lot of very accomplished dancers; so I am certain that no one in my tango community will know who I am talking about.  After many wonderful dances with friends and some strangers, I finally danced with an accomplished -- no let's say, Very Accomplished Dancer.  In the middle of a milonga tanda she says, "You are dancing by yourself."  I was not sure what this means, mostly out of shock.  I have danced with women who are doing all sorts of decorations and I know how this feels.  It is hard for me to continue after such a nebulous and brash criticism but I listen to the music and do my very best.  She is sweet and it does not at least look like she is upset with me as we walk off the floor.  We go back and continue to talk.  She explains that I don't lead clearly with my torso and that milonga is more than just walking!  I am sure that I need to go in and revamp the entire way I dance.  Perhaps I should just find a bridge and end the torture I cause many pooer women!  She makes it clear that I am messing up on the most elemental level; so for the moment, I am considering just giving up altogether.  "Thanks for making this clear now!  I should have given up 4 or 5 years ago," I think to myself.

This phenomenon is called "Tango Trauma."  But it is easily healed.  Sure, I DO want to heed this unsolicited sage advice regarding my level of suck-ed-ness.  Surely it will make me grow because it did not kill me to hear her opinion, right?  Undoubtedly she had a good point that I have a long way to go and end point will lead me back to the most basic of things:  the embrace.  But how am I to psychologically survive to the next milonga?  I needed some sort of special milonga antidepressant!

I took one little "pill":  I remembered the little Peruvian tanguera.  I remembered how I got to be her first ever partner at a milonga and how she just was besides herself in joy.  And then a whole host of women stood in line behind her and reassured me of my worth.  The therapy worked.  I am whole again because I know that I hold no grudge against my Sage Adviser.  So even if you don't have too many experiences with other dancers, let these words embrace you:  You are unique and every person deserves to dance without criticism at a milonga.  When it does happen, sure it will hurt, but you will have many people who were and will be glad to have you in their arms.  Stick with these memories and thoughts.

Life has it's highs and lows, so does the milonga.  Dwell on the view from the mountain top.  You will need it to endure the Lessons of the Valley.



Outstretched hand photocredit:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eyedeaz/3660876708/
The embracing words:
http://radiantfear.blogspot.com/2010/09/day-165-ezra-9-10-acts1-proverbs-1.html

What is your Floorcraft IQ?

He drives a lot better,
now that he's asking.

You may have never seen the above sign on a truck, but this is common in the US.  The sign on the back of the truck reads: "Tell me how I am driving" and then it lists a toll-free number.  


You can bet that the truck driver with that sign on his vehicle drives a lot better now.  Perhaps he used to be a bully, but now the toll-free number rings on his boss's desk.  Suddenly the driver he behaves very politely on the road.

How do you like my driving?

Imagine having signs on the men's backs at a milonga like this -- but don't do this.   Could you imagine the floorcraft improvement if we had how-am-I-driving signs on everyone's backs?   At the end of the night each tanguero would receive some advice from the others.   Again, DO NOT do this.  You might have fights, hard feelings and demotivate a bunch of tangueros!  But mentally every tanguero should be thinking about how other might rate them.

Imagine how other men and women might answer the below questionnaire.


Floorcraft Intelligence Quotient (FIQ)


On a scale of one to five, how was tanguero #?? in the following.

No extra credit for playing
bumper cars!

5 = very true  

4= mostly true     

3=sometimes true     

2= Often not the case.  

1= Not the case at all.

You would answer "0" if you did not experience a particular thing.

The best possible score is 5 points for each item, multiplied by by the number of items answered x 2 =  TIQ.

1. He enters the dance floor, leading the woman in a safe way (not led by her).
2. He kept with the flow of the dancers in front of him (not a "rock in the stream").
3. He danced near to me but without tailgating.
4. Never backed up into me -- and no close calls either).
5. Never bumped me or my partner -- or even came close to bumping.
6. Never ran his tanguera into me or my partner.
7. Stayed in a lane one or two but when it was crowded; never changed back and forth.
8. Appears to have his number one job as protecting his dance partner.
9. He can dance very well in a small place on the crowded dance floor.
10. If there is a mishap, he is pleasant and apologetic even if it is not his fault.

Extra credit info:
My best advice to this tanguero to help him and others enjoy tango in this milonga is:

Examples (write in or circle below):
1. Ask men you like to be frank to you about your floorcraft.

2. Keep up the good work.  I like dancing near you!

3. You are a great dancer, but please lead the way with your floor craft as well as your great dancing.

Photo Credit:

http://www.whytraveltofrance.com/2007/09/04/franco-american-conversations-how-am-i-driving/

Tangueros with signs:  Washington DC milonga "Cococabana."  José, Ruth, Mark and Deborah.

The Assertive Female Cabeceo

"As she slid across the table and looked into my eyes I realized she wanted to dance.  In fact I found her gaze irresistible."

I cannot argue with the majority of women who are sure that the cabeceo* is a male-generated requested to dance.  Recently, I even heard the words, "I hate the cabeceo" from a woman who is an advanced dancer.  If not the cabeceo then what?  But the argument goes on and on with the ladies who are sure that the cabeceo is for men, their egos and for women to be submissive.  ¡No comprendo, de veras!


All I know is that I dance with women who make it very clear that they would like to dance with me by their eyes and posture.   Who exactly is in charge of the initiation of the cabeceo is often an enigma.  I would even argue that any man who is in touch with the social skills of a primate, will be very aware of a woman's willingness to spend time with her -- even if it is just for one tanda.  And the same is true of a man's eyes.  Primates are awfully sophisticated with this sort of thing, you know. 


The argument comes back from women, "I can make it clear that I want to dance with him, but he still doesn't respond to my communication.  So it is clearly up to the man."  Not true.  How is that any different for me or any man?  I can show interest all night to a women and she may not respond.  Just because a man wants to dance with certain women, she can look uninterested or even off in another direction when he comes near.  Please tell me how is this "up to the man"?  


So to fix it all, some would stop using non-verbal cues to request a dance.  Does that mean I should now start asking all the women who have been looking away?  God save us, if men and women start asking everyone with whom they would like to dance.  There would be a wave of discontent at the milonga.   Let's try it for a night for the women who hate the cabeceo.  That would put an end to the controversy!


*Cabeceo:  From the word "cabeza" (head), a nod of the head, indicating a desire to dance.  For more on this and tango etiquette, please visit this link:  http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/p/los-codigos-tango-etiquette-made-easy.html

Photo credits:

Find some great cartoons about dance at

 http://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane/2011/06/07 .

Tangueras choose their men like golf clubs

Tangueros I think you will understand this.

Advanced tangueras chose their partner just like any golfer would chose the right club for the task before them.  Is it a long drive?  Are they in the sand pit or on the green?

Similar to a golfer, a tanguera avanzada will choose a putter-milonguero for a transpie milonga.  The 5-iron, the guy in the nice tie and dapper shoes for the vals.  And Mr. Wood, is her driver for long shots.  Perfect for music by Pugliese (here's a link: Osvaldo Pugliese).


This being true, gentlemen, why would you ever get her to respond to a cabeceo* before the music starts?  That would be like using a driver on the wrong part of the course!  She may know that you are great with everything except music from Di Sarli (Carlos Di Sarli); so she is avoiding you only because she doesn't know which club she needs!  

I received an insightful comment from an advanced tanguera, which I have added to the Tango Etiquette Page (CLICK HERE -- it's always in the right margin on my blog).   This is some great advice for both men and women on the cabeceo:

Graduate-level Cabeceo:  Gentlemen, pay attention to this tanguera's advice (Señorita N.) if you feel you are ready for dancing with the more advanced ladies who have different tangueros for every flavor of tango:  "For the cabeceo, the guys should always wait to hear what the music is before looking for a partner.   There are men with whom I would dance a tango or a vals, but never a traspie milonga.  You can acknowledge me as you dance by and then I will know you will will soon look for me.  The porteños do it by raising their eyebrows as they lock eyes.  Men, if you are only dancing with the young and pretty in the sparkly dresses, then you are missing out on some of the best dancers in the room. There is a reason all the young women flock to the milongas with the 70-year old me
n in Buenos Aires.  And it is not because they are tall and good looking, or have a large repertoire of steps.  It is because we old ladies have taught them how to cherish a partner."  


Now you have it gentlemen:  Golf does not mean "Gentlemen Only; Women Forbidden. It means "Girls Only Love Fun."


Give them what they want only after the music starts.


*A cabeceo is a nod of the head to someone who allows eye contact (usually between "sets" [tandas], thus avoiding asking someone to dance who might not wish to.  To see the fuller discussion on this go to:  http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/p/los-codigos-tango-etiquette-made-easy.html, which has links at the bottom for even more info.

TOGA Party Suggestions

TOGA Party Suggestions

True tangueros are not male elephants.  Well, most are not.

I am not talking about size or smell or the amount they eat at the snack table.

Male elephants are loners.  The bulls go about life just finding the next "dance" and fighting other bulls.  True tangueros, I believe, are not bulls.  Female elephants like bulls; tangueras do not -- at least the tangueras I know.  So let's cut the bull.

Recently, a tanguera friend told me of a problem in a small community I've never visited had a "bull" fighting over territory.  I will give him an alias name to protect the innocent:  Bull E. (the older, experienced dancer) was hassling a the less experienced dancer.  Evidently Bull E. felt the younger tanguero was using too much space on the dance floor and told him so.  Ironically, Bull E. is notoriously all over the floor, zooming between lanes and then ends up in the middle doing super-cool-look-at-me stage moves.  Now if the younger dancer joined the bull at his own level, what would we have?  Two "bulls" having a fight to the death.  You know the center of the floor is really not used very much; so why not have it out there?  Make it quick, of course, during a cortina.  Or maybe not -- on second thought.

Here is my suggestion for "cutting the bull out of your community," if fighting to the death is contrary to local laws and codes of ethics:  Especially small communities need a TOGA party (TOGA = Tangueros Only Group & Association).

I imagine a TOGA party could be a sub-party at every milonga, but I think that an informal men's group could be very helpful.  Women have been great at defining their role in modern society, but I feel that we men are way behind on defining what it means to be a man in the modern world (now that we fully acknowledge that women have brains).  The tango community is a great place to learn what it is to be a man with a brain in a world with women who also have brains. I am not being sarcastic here, really.  In some ways, tango simplifies male energy and female energy much better than in modern life.  Female energy -- if you have read any of my earlier blogs -- is not subservient or submissive but essential for male energy to co-create and truly dance.  Male energy is ... well, what is it? That is what TOGA party would be for.  I mostly know what male energy is by what it is not:   Male energy is NOT fully to blame (as some teachers say) if things are not working.  Male energy is not just talking to a submissive energy that is doing all the listening.  It is not JUST pushing, pulling/pulling/indicating (marcando), dragging (arrastrando).  My best guess is that the male energy is part of a magical mix of yin/yang, male/female, thesis/synthesis or the musical note/musical pause that creates something far too complex and magical to name in human language.  We men could be far better about figuring out what it truly means to be a man in the modern world and that includes in the modern world of tango, which is full of very talented tangueras.

Mark's TOGA Party Online
In a sense this blog is my TOGA Party with many other men.  Today, a tanguero wrote me from across the world to say that he discovered my blog a few months ago, and he has read nearly every entry since 2009 on my blog.  He and I are not elephants, loners fighting over territory and tangueras, but finding connection as two men trying to figure out the magic of tango and how it affects our lives.  He sent me an email to cheer me on.  Welcome to the Online TOGA Party, Tanguero!

What do you say, Tangueros?  Shouldn't our Tangueros Only Group & Association should have a vision statement and tenets?   Here's a rough draft (I'd like your ideas too):

TOGA Vision Statement:  Group members help define their role in the community to make it supportive of new members and a sanctuary for those who have long taken part in the community.  Tangueros play an active role with tangueras to help the community to grow in it cohesiveness.

Tenets for Social Animal Citizenship as a TOGA member:

• Introduce yourself not just to tangueras but also tangueros.  Get to know them.
• Recognize how other men influence your dance and actively appreciate them rather than competing with them.  (The tango floor may look like a race track but the competitive mind is usually the loser on the social dance floor.)
• TOGA members are protective of the vulnerable partner (bare legs, open shoes, sometimes with her eyes closed) and are working with other Tangueros to keep the entire flow of the milonga safe and fun.  [Tanguero=the role not one's gender.]
• Cutting the Bull:  TOGA members do not participate in BS, which includes aggressive posturing, territorialism, dangerous moves, racing through a tight dance floor, or trumpeting (excessive talking-while-dancing).
• Let's talk about the biggest pile of BS:  TOGA members will pull a bull aside and gently ask him to join the human race.  Here is the worst kind of bull and his M.O. --   1.  A novice tanguera arrives in the community.  2.  He uses his intermediate to advanced tango skills to become her lover,  and then lastly, number 3.  When their affair comes to an end (as it has over and over), she is then forever gone from the community and probably tango, eschewing the beauty of tango as a dangerous addiction.  Her disappearance is a huge loss for her and the entire community.  TOGA members do not tolerate this BS, nor should tangueras.  But, Tangueros, why should the women have the job of confronting this bull!?  If a tanguero and tanguera fall in love with each other from the community, that is a different thing altogether.  People somewhat established in the tango community are "consenting adults." But seducing novices over-and-over is not okay at all.  Every larger community has at least one of these bulls.  TOGA members are watching you!

A note to the ladies:  

TOGA is for men but it is truly all about those whom we adore -- you!  Tangueros are not exclusively men either, but those who dance in this role.  Many readers of this blog are women.  I am not excluding you.  Women lead the way in most tango communities with their own Tangueras Only Groups (TOGs).  These groups bind together the tango community, enhancing the cohesiveness of the community by developing solidarity at several levels.  Ladies believe me, you don't need a bull in the milonga china shop, and the TOGA Party may be the best way to cut out the bull entirely.  I am not BS'ing you.  :-)

Photo Credit:  Joanne Tullis http://www.city-data.com/picfilesc/picc44622.php 

If Einstein had danced tango

Part 2  of "The Theory of Relativity and Tango."

If Einstein had only known about tango, perhaps he would value it as much as a particle accelerator to study the origins of the universe and his Theory of Relativity.  You see, he valued creativity, saying:

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.

He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead —his eyes are closed."

Although Einstein focused on physical reality, he venerated experiential reality as well.  When an hour of dancing leads you to feel as if time stopped or time sped up, please take note.  Why!  Why did this happen?  Which do you prefer? Can you alter outcomes?

Under the microscope of a meditative mind, time shows its plasticity both in quantum physics and metaphysics.  One would think that the plasticity of time should inspire some scientific exploration into slowing it down.*

If not scientists, then dancers must do it!

This has become my new goal in tango:  Find where time slows down even if the dance is a milonga or a fast tango.  Many dancers are experiencing time slowing, but the negative frame of "time goes fast when you are having fun" may hide the phenomenon from many tanguer@s.  Here are things to look for.

• A sense of being so fully in the moment that time seems to stop or feel as if it is in slow motion.
• The feeling as if the music led everything that happened and both responded in an equal way.
• A blurring of anyone else in the room and only one's partner is there.
• The intensity of information transfer, as if one knows about one's partners life, their day, their triumphs and struggles--  all through the walking embrace.
• A sense that through movement/music/embrace the brain is organizing information clutter, allowing the information overflow to be managed in nice folders.  (When this happens at a deeper level with trauma or critical stress events, it will feel as if centuries have passed in a single tanda.)

Steps for Slowing Down Time
Other than going at the speed of light for a period of time which also slows time

• Meditate in the walking embrace regularly. Imagine that you and others are sharing a walking-meditation Zen labyrinth.  Other couples are an active part of an amazing, moving, biological maze.  Dance simply, meditatively.
• Practice mindfulness while in the walking embrace.  Mindfulness is being fully present with your partner and within yourself.  Watching the mirror, noticing who just came in the door, or who will be your next partner are distractions that too often take us out of mindfulness. Talking-while-dancing evaporates mindfulness.  Dancing in silence is a basic tenant of Argentine tango etiquette for a good reason.  Tango is a walking -- not a talking -- meditation for two while others are silent!  However, the most disruptive moment to mindfulness may be concerned with how we might look to others who might be watching.  This takes discipline and is not easy for most of us. 
• Find freedom from an outside locus of control.  Performance anxiety intrudes in on one's sense of timelessness.  Chan Park, in his book Tango Zen  suggests simplicity in our dance, which he calls, a "walking meditation for two."  Great book. Simplicity needs to be an agreement of what you are doing.  Many dancers feel they need to take their partner on an exciting ride.  And although this is something that is fun, it is also a trap if we do it all the time. Conversely, some dancers wait "fun ride" by believing that a great dance all happened only "because you led it."  Both of these points of view are about the "locus of control" for one's experience being outside of oneself.  (Please read the article "The End of Leading is Near," for a fuller description of both partners being active in their very different roles.)  The balance of dance roles disassembles the misconception of locus of control resides in one dancer and not at all or less in the other.

I wish you many centuries on the dance floor during your next milonga.

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Photo Credit:

The photo comes from the Huffington's Post on Einstein's view of spirituality.  I recommend this short and profound article.

Preparing for my 25th year of tango

I just bought the napkins for my 25th year of dancing tango:  A big 25 in silver.

It's going to be a big deal.  So I have to start buying things for it now, and preparing.  I have 21 years to prepare.

A 25th anniversary is "silver."  By that time there won't be anymore silver coins; so I am saving a bunch of 25-cent pieces for each guest (we used to call them "quarters").  That will be a blast from the past to have a silver coin in your hand again.

The flower for a 25th anniversary is the iris.  In Spanish arco iris is "rainbow"; so I will have an arch (arco) of irises of different colors when you come in the door and greet me with a tango hug and besitos for the ladies.   I will hire taxi dancers for all the girls who come back to tango on that day.  But my favorite tangueras will be the ones who stuck it out with me through the years.

I expect and will hope for many women returning to tango on that day.  It will be a long process to get women to come back, and I have to start now.  Statistically speaking women don't make it past four years in tango.  So dancing with beginners is important.  As I get to know them will, I will start giving each one of them my invitation for my 25th Tango Anniversary Party.  Some twenty years later they will have gotten over some of the rude comments, elitism, and frustration of the lack of dance partners.  This party will be full of taxi dancers and agreement among all to dance with one another.

Of course you are invited.  I'll put you in my database.


PS:
This genre of writing is called the ironic essay in the future tense.  My real purpose is for me to think about what it will take to nurture my tango so that I will be physically and mentally fit enough to be present at my own party.  Will I just burn out?  How likely is it that you will make it to 25?  If tango is an "addiction" you will be "cured" by the fourth to seventh year.  But if you see tango as way of being connected to others and joy of movement, you might start wanting to save up quarters too.  One thing about this essay -- your being invited was not ironic!

The description of how to get to my party is below.

Dancing on a Dime with Tinker Bell

Every once in a while, when I have self-doubts about my path as a milonguero-style dancer,  I have to go back to a favorite video clip of Ney Melo and Jennifer Bratt, "Dancing Tango in a Small Space."



I admit it.  I have cool tango moves envy of the guys who can do all sorts of cool and showy moves that take up three acres of floor space to do.  Last night as I was dancing at a crowed, huge house party in Washington DC, there were a few guys who were doing all the coolest moves in the world near or next to me.  I see them in other milongas, and many have something in common:  They cause havoc on the social dance floor around them.  It is not fun to be near them, but they get a lot of attention from those who are watching.

I then have a bout of "cool tango moves envy."  I tell myself:  "I wish I could dance like that."  But anytime I open up the embrace, I am reminded that dancing for show may have a feeling of mastery but not the feeling of the connection to my partner as close embrace has.  A walking embrace allows for little nuances of the music to be felt between partners, and that disappears when I open up.

I knew very few people at that house party, and it was as crowed as ever.  So I stayed nearly the entire evening with the one partner. I know she could dance on a dime.  She doesn't pull me in directions I don't want to go when space is limited.  She closes her eyes, which in that sort of environment could be dangerous.  But because she is so intuitive and trusts my "protection" we scoot around without her getting hurt or stabbed by boleos from homicidal tangueras.  Although she is short we have a remarkable connection that allows us to dance in the tiniest places.  Also, because she is short I have no blind spots.  I usually prefer the tall ladies, but dancing with "Tinker Bell" has its advantages.

The super-cool tangueros were obviously frustrated last night that they didn't have lots of room at the height of the evening, when we had 20 square centimeters each to dance on.  Dancing in a little bitty place is not their forte, and everything that was cool was no longer possible.  But Tinker Bell and I, with the help of her tiny wings, whirred around like angles on a head of a pin.  I wonder now if the super-cool tangueros have "dancing-on-a-dime" envy.  But I doubt it.

Super-Cool Tourists in Buenos Aires, I have heard, are gently "reprimanded"  by the locals with something like:  "You two dance like your are on stage!"  This is a nice way of saying, "You are dancing irresponsibly."  But these same tourists think of that as a compliment because they wish they were just like their stage tango instructors, who are making a good living in America.

Just Kuhl, a great salón-style dancer from Germany, has been going to Buenos Aires for decades.  During my last trip to Germany, he told me that he never plans to go back.  "It's no longer the Buenos Aires I once knew.  It is full of tango touristas," he said. Just Kuhl is an incredible teacher and dancer to watch, but he dances to fit the space and always maintains a connection.  He doesn't bring his ability to perform to a tight social dance floor.  But now he must share the dance floor in Buenos Aires with those who only know how to dance as if the spot light were on them.  Of course there are those tourists who respect the norms of a social dance floor, but more and more hot-shots from around the world come to Buenos Aires to prove to themselves what they already know rather prove to themselves how much they could learn.

Just Kuhl and some friends in Kaiserslautern, Germany

Tango has a wide spectrum of expression, and stage tango is an important part of that.  It brings new life to tango from people who would not have ever started dancing without being enamored by the magic of how it all looks.  And so it was with me!  But then I started to listen to people who knew a few things about what tango is at its best.

One day, I was chatting with a psychiatrist from Buenos Aires who worked at the hospital I was at.  I showed her a video of a super-cool tanguero couple, doing all sorts of wonderful moves.  I had only been dancing for a few months, and she told me:  "No es tango argentino verdadero."     I did not understand for years what she meant that was not the "real" tango from Argentina.  Of course it is real.  But it is not the expression that she knew, which was a walking embrace, totally cued into what the music was suggesting.

Over and over conversations, like this one with my colleague from Argentina, shock my tango reality -- my sense of what tango is.   These moments keep bringing me back to the idea that tango argentino is at center an embrace and a dance between two people, a dance with nuances that others cannot see, a dance that may look even boring to those watching, but is full of magic for the two who are experiencing the beauty of the music.  Just Kuhl was one of my first teachers who felt that the essence of tango was the embrace, but at that time I felt he was wrong.  Actually, he was right on the money.

Slowly but surely I discovered what others were talking about.  Sure, I still sometimes have super-cool-tango-moves envy, but I get over it when I go back to the embrace.  Dancing on a dime with Tinker Bell last night was an example of the reaffirmation that I am on the right path -- the tango of nuance and feeling rather than visual appeal.

I grabbed Tinker Bell's hand and asked her to go upstairs to dance some salsa at the house party, and as we were leaving the dance floor, a French woman stopped us and asked us how long we had been dancing together.  "You two must have been dancing for years together," she said.  She said that she sat mesmerized by tiny precision we shared.  The reality was that we have danced perhaps five or six times together.  Perhaps the way of dancing just for one's partner has some visual appeal too!  But that is why I take my glasses off.  I don't want to see what people are looking at.   I don't want to be worrying about what people think.

I try to "dance as if no one were watching," so that I don't lose the magic of what we are feeling -- just the two of us --  Tinker Bell and I, dancing on a dime.


PS:
Another great "small spaces" video clip: