Blaming the Leader for a Great Tanda

  
                            Festivalito con Amigos 2025, Saarbrücken, Germany

In a social media discussion, a woman wrote eloquently of what it is like to dance with a musical leader:

"I don’t lead, but as a follower, when I dance with a great leader whose musicality is excellent, I internally bow to them, because to me it is absolutely incredible how you guys do it! How do you tell my body what to do, how and when, totally bypassing my own controlling mind and achieving precision as the result? Moreover, when the lead is feather-light, comfortable, and seems effortless, it’s pure magic to me.  So… may this be an encouragement for those who are hesitant to learn musicality - it really pays off."

My response to her is the following:

Who Chooses the Tango Embrace?

Part I:  Tango Chose You
Part II:  Who Chooses the Tango Embrace?

You don't choose your preferred tango embrace.  Your partner doesn't either.  There is a better question:

Which tango embrace chose you?


Imagine how freeing it would be to see clearly the centuries of history that led up to you at a milonga, holding the person in front of you, and dancing that particular tango.  Imagine the awe.  You could see that not only did tango itself choose you, but the embrace chose you as well.  This is my tango philosophy, stealing from many ancient and modern philosophers, and even physicists. 

I'll speak from my own experience first: I didn't choose a warm tango abrazo.  I was conditioned to a warm embrace from my parents' warm embrace.  (My wife desperately sought out the tango embrace from a chronic lack of human warmth from many close to her.)  Also, I had the luck of having early relationships with partners who were warm and affectionate and non-judgmental.  I was destined to dance in a close embrace in tango.  The embrace chose me.  And now, I make even fewer choices with the embraces.  My tango community is mostly among "milongueros" who prefer a close tango embrace.  There isn't a hesitation at milonguero events to figure out which embrace one dances.  It's "predestined" to be a warm, close embrace.  Talented milongueros can do an infinitude of things in this embrace, especially with musical nuances.  Also, I no longer live in America, which has long suffered under a long tradition of believing dancing was a sin, and other such prudery. I am not blaming anyone's culture for forming them. We are all formed by our culture, by its language, its myths and customs.  But I am asking my readers to be aware of influences from our cultural history that form the "choices" we think we are making to eschew or accept a close embrace in dance.  It's a new way of thinking about the subject:  Did I really choose tango or a close embrace?  Or did tango and the embrace choose me?  Let's think together.

Lady's Choice?
Some say it is the lady's choice that dictates the embrace.  Not at an encuentro, and certainly not in Buenos Aires!  According to many scientists, psychotherapists, and ancient-to-present-day philosophers, the way one embraces someone in tango is not really anyone's personal choice. When I visited Europe, I was uncomfortable with the first woman who held me close, but I took lessons and got over it.  It was an issue of a lack of competence that quickly faded, not the closeness.  When someone is uncomfortable with a close embrace, which is easily detected, I keep my distance, of course.  That is rare, but that is probably because I no longer dance in the US.

But Perhaps You are Different (you say)?
I reserve a slight possibility that some very aware people rebel against their predestined choices and algorithms.  A true choice is most often a very difficult decision for someone.  If it is an easy decision, it is probably just a compliance with what was predestined human behavior. For the person who is aware of their frigid and standoffish culture after visiting Latin America, she or he may break away to experience something different. For the woman whose partner refuses to dance, she may take a dance lesson and enjoy dancing in spite of her partner's anti-dance culture.  For the aware person, perhaps struggling with PTSD from sexual trauma, it is a hard but conscious choice influenced by a therapist who says, "face your fears" through exposure therapy via "tango therapy." Then there is the person who breaks away from their chronically jealous partner, who perhaps dances in a close embrace but forbids her. She dumps him.  Maybe these rare people, making tough decisions have made a true choice.  It's hard to say because there are countless other algorithms making the choices before we think we are choosing our path in life.

So, what truly free choices will you make?
What if you had only a handful of truly free choices in your life?  Yuval Noah Harari, author Sapiens, noted in a talk that if Free Will exists, it is very limited to perhaps 2% of our choices in truly conscious individuals.  I think our choices are far fewer than 2%.  Imagine that each of us could see the algorithms that influence our daily "choices."  We would stand aghast that so much of what we do is pre-ordained. AI knows our next choice of what we buy better than we do.  Relatively simple computer model algorithms figure out our buying habits, and without our awareness, manipulate us.  Our daily choices are far more complicated than simple computer-generated algorithms that come from limited data about us. But if an algorithm is simply a set of rules followed to reach an outcome, then perhaps even the 'spiritual' prompts we feel profoundly are part of a much deeper, more ancient code.*  Many of our apparent choices are preordained and that is good.  You "chose" to drive on the correct side of the road today?  Thank goodness for predestination!  :-)

Perhaps you and I can reserve the possibility that we make a few truly independent and radical decisions in our lives—or perhaps what we perceive as 'divine intervention' is simply our destiny asserting itself.  I was offered a music scholarship when I was a musician breaking into the recording industry in San Francisco. I was playing in front of huge crowds.  Why would I go to school at moment like that?  I immediately rejected the scholarship.  But at the time, I felt that God was telling me to accept.  I argued with God, but complied with the Voice.  Was this a sign I had broken away to truly make an independent choice or just another part of a destiny I had not chosen?  It's impossible for me to know, but in retrospect, I suspect it was not an independent decision or example of Free Will.  Sorry, now we enter into yet another aspect of our own choice versus destiny:  One's mystical or spiritual life enters into the subject of destiny, too.  Free Will may be one of the most accepted beliefs in the world, but I suspect that it is the human ego pretending to be the captain of a ship that was launched centuries ago, stuck in currents and winds that guided the course more than the captain's compass.

When the music starts, so does the predestination.
If one is fully conscious and perhaps, like a child seeing a milonga for the first time, we hear the music start.  Each couple follows certain preordained customs:  He nods his head to invite her; she accepts; the man catches the oncoming man's eyes before entering the dance floor. With polite permission, the couple enters the ronda.  They embrace, breathe and catch the downbeat.  The music is a slow Di Sarli.  His huge violin section preordains slow and sweeping movements for us. The music insists, the beauty of the moment and of the power of human connection all insist.  I claim no personal choice during such moments.  The moment chooses, the partner and I harmonize, and all of this unfolds because of centuries of precursors.  Why resist what we were called to do?  I submit and participate in my destiny as an amazed observer in the miracle of this moment of tenderness in the often chaotic cosmic order. 

Photo credit:  Thorsten Janes 

Any comments are appreciated.  Please be patient while I weed out spam messages.  If you have not read Part I, Tango Chose You, then please do check it out.

Tango chose you

These great thinkers would say that tango chose you*

I love the beautiful, poetic idea that tango chooses us, and we are merely submitted to its pull.  At least for me, I am persuaded that tango chose me.  I say this not only as a poetic idea but also as a philosophical and even scientific hypothesis. I am also persuaded that tango chose you, too.

That, I realize, is a shocking statement in a world that generally believes in a so-called Free Will — something that some say God gave us as a blessing — or is it a curse? However, many ancient and modern philosophers, physicists, and even theologians have questioned Free Will.  I rejected their ideas until recently. [For the portrait above, see the footnote below.]  But for now, let's focus on the beautiful, poetic idea. Maybe you, too, feel that there is something deeply true about tango choosing us. So I will express it first in poetic terms before considering predestination philosophy. 

This is my story:

Tango Chose Me
Tango beguiles me. I have no choice.
T called me once, and I turned away.
The DJ played a crackly old disk,
Recorded with one mic last century--
An acoustic nightmare for my ears.
I left the place, vowing never to return.
The seductress's voice of salsa
Forced me into my dance shoes, not Tango.
But years later, T's name was again invoked
In a bicycle shop.
"Come dance it once," said the flirty one.
How could I say no?  I had no choice.
Salsa gave way to tango that night.
The warm embrace,
The unprescribed infinitude of steps,
The hidden African voices, deeply buried
By instruments from Europe,
And the abrazo community of dancers.
I had no choice.
Tango chose me.

You May Believe in Predestination (without knowing it)
Most modern people agree with predestination without thinking about it. For example, these days, the whims of the god of thunder, or some other god, are not consulted by the meteorologist.  Nor do you have fear of a man on the corner who tells you lightning will strike you.  Instead, you consult the weather "forecast" to know your future danger of a lightning strike if you are concerned by his curse. The weather forecast nowadays is a result of the use of computer models and satellites that attempt to summarize the endless factors that predetermine our weather.  If the forecaster gets it wrong, we do not return to consulting the gods.

Some background to Tango (and everything else) choosing us, not us choosing it
Let's get the free-will ego out of the way. According to Stoic philosophy, for most of our lives, we have regretted or been proud of our choices.  But were they really our choices or the consequences of many hidden factors?  Does the stream choose its own course? Or is the stream's course determined by countless factors on the day you observe the new swerve in its marvelous course?  Here are some examples:

•  Did any person who has ever lived choose to use his or her parents' language, or the language of their culture?  Did Free Will help with that decision, or was it predestined?
• If parents go to college, do their children “choose” college too, or was it a statistical probability to follow patterns of behavior of their family or clan?  
• What about "exceptions"? Should I be proud that I was the first person in my bloodline to graduate from a university? No! Many factors brought that all about. These factors humble me more than make me proud.  
• Even the free-will ego manifests itself in people on a spiritual path.  At a retreat, five Buddhist monks told us of their calling. Every single one of them "chose" their monastic path because of unfaithful women in their lives. The current of life chose their monastic path.
• I have met many Argentinians who never danced tango until they moved to America and Europe.  From new circumstances, tango chose them because in their new country, they wanted to rediscover their national identity.  Tango chose them.
• One of the most powerful influences that determines our wrongly perceived free-will choice comes from our social environment.  In the famous 'Rat Park' experiments, researchers found that rats in a cold, isolated cage would choose drugged water until they died. They were predestined by their environment. But when rats were moved to 'Rat Park'—a community with space, toys, and other rats—they chose the clear water. They chose life.  Awareness of our environment's influence on our decisions, even in a luxurious 'cage,' is what finally allows us what the philosopher, Yuval Noah Harari, called the 2% small-but-mighty freedom to choose important changes. This is only possible when we become aware of internal and external algorithms influencing us. What are some of the few real choices that you can make? In our tango park, are you stuck on using only the open embrace? Are your figures disconnected from the music? Are you shunning people at a milonga, refusing to even smile at them? Can you choose something new, or will you go to your grave like this?  Can you open up the embrace because there is more room, and your partner seems uncomfortable with a close embrace? Are you a teacher or an "advanced dancer" who hasn't taken a lesson for a decade?  Tiger Woods has a coach.  What makes you so special? Making real choices usually means leaving a comfort zone, breaking the algorithm. Face your fears and your perception of having infinite choices via your Free Will. You only have a few if you become more aware of your algorithm of predetermined choices.
  

Destiny and Tango
Tango is not something special.  Nor am I.  But without tango or any individual on the planet, the universe (as a puzzle) would not be complete on God's table.**  There would be missing pieces. We may be insignificant, but nevertheless, necessary to complete the "puzzle" of the Universe.  

Tango chose you, too.

**Note:  God's table as described by Baruch Spinoza and Albert Einstein.

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Coming soon in another blog post:  Which Tango Embrace Chose You?

*The "portrait" above is of thinkers—which I requested Gemini to "paint"—who were convinced that Free Will is the ego's delusion. It represents over 2,000 years of reasoned thought. Predestination has merely changed names—from the Logos, to Grace, to Decree, to Substance, to Physics, and finally to societal and biochemical Algorithms. (Yuval Noah Harari didn't want to be in the same room with Calvin and Saint Paul, but he belongs among them as a modern philosopher of history and the dangers of AI.)

• Baruch Spinoza (Seated, far left): Viewed the universe as a singular, deterministic substance where everything follows mathematical necessity.

• Albert Einstein (Standing, back left): A fan of Spinoza who famously said, "God does not play dice." He believed even our "free" actions are part of rigid physical causality.

• Marcus Aurelius (Seated, center-left): The Stoic Emperor who believed in the Logos—a divine order. He taught that we must find peace by flowing with the cosmic river, not fighting it.

• John Calvin (Standing, center-back): The architect of "Double Predestination." He believed every soul’s destination was written before time began. (A brittle cosmology I personally reject.)

• Arthur Schopenhauer (Seated, center-right): A bridge to the modern era who noted, "A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants." He understood that our desires (like the urge to dance) come from a source deeper than our conscious "choice."

• Saint Augustine of Hippo (Seated, far right): Argued that the human will is "shackled" by its own nature and needs an outside act of Grace to be moved. Perhaps, for some of us, Tango is that grace?

• St. Paul (Standing, far right): The biblical source of the "Potter and the Clay" metaphor. While a pillar of history, I often wonder if he was predestined to favor "Decree" over the fluid experience of ergos (works).

A New Era Begins for Weekend Tango Events

Note: Here are links to versions in Deutsch and Français. Magyar (Hungarian) is given below...

Días de Luz y Sonrisas Encuentro in Hungary last weekend is the start of a new era for weekend tango events.  Unlike most events of super sore feet and a lack of sleep, we had a 5-hour milonga to start.  The Saturday milonga was 6 hours long.  Sunday offered a second 6-hour milonga.  We were more than satiated with dancing.  However, something far more important occurred.  Shortly after this weekend, we had another event.  We usually try to space out the events, but we were totally energized for the second event in Saarbrücken, Germany.  No burnout.

In Hungary, we had time for friends, a leisurely breakfast and dinner together, time for walks or sightseeing, a spa with a pool, sauna, a steam room, a workout room, and, for our health--sufficient sleep.  All the above made for our very best dancing.  We were all at our best as dancers, the primary reason to travel to an event. What a relief from the frenzied dancing-till-dropping tango events!  

For Old Milongueros?
Ah, but you are saying that young dancers would complain that it was an event for older dancers.  This is not true.  I shared this post with dancers in their 20's.  They agreed it was a great idea.  In my opinion, younger people are more aware of the new discoveries in sleep and neurological science regarding the need for good sleep for well-being.  This knowledge may be more powerful than the "wisdom" of older dancers.  Even if you and I are old enough and wise enough, most milonga weekend events are not truly the best for our health and longevity.  Sonrisas Encuentro Milonguero was the first exception I have experienced. 

The Saturday Evening Milonga Problem
Have you ever noticed that people come late or come early and leave early?  People are not dancing their best.  Too bad.  People are more formally dressed. I like it. When I have danced nearly every tanda at an earlier Friday and Saturday milonga, that is often enough!  We often miss the second milonga on Saturday, and then, the next day, my dance partners remarked how rested and relaxed I looked. This year, Martá told us about their planned three-milonga weekend in a palace in Hungary.  The entire hotel was ours.  It was worth the trip, driving from France to Hungary. But I didn't expect see how much it influenced everyone's dancing to be rested and more relaxed.

For me, and others told me the same, many of us knew each other, and we were all dancing better. Tango offers us longevity, health, and well-being through the warmth of friends who embrace us, the wonders of improvisational dance, the beauty and diversity of music, and so much more.  But then it can easily be ruined by overdoing what is good for us.

Marathons versus Three Milongs
At Sonrisas, we were surprised how "just" three were perfect.  Perhaps you are thinking that I cannot keep up with so much dancing.  I am getting too old.  It's just not the case.  I regularly dance every tanda except for restroom breaks and to drink water.  Endurance is my superpower.  Maybe it was all the triathlon training and marathons?  It's not age or getting too tired.  However, as a therapist with special training in trauma and insomnia, I have read the research behind longevity.  Nearly every dancer I know believes that tango is part of our wellness and longevity program in life. Tango is not everything; it is just one of the many things that can contribute to our longevity, health, and happiness. 

Talk to your favorite organizers.  Help them join the New Era of Tango Events.  If you are reading this post, come back later.  I hope that many who experienced Sonrisas will add their comments below.

Organizers: Find out more by contacting Martá & Levente PÁLFFY through Facebook.

For those who went to the event, please leave a comment about your experience.  It may be best to send me an email at mark.word1@gmail.com.  Sometimes, people have trouble leaving comments on this blog platform.

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 Read and comment at the very bottom of this post.

Hungarian is below, and here are links to versions in Deutsch and Français.

Here are some more specifics about the timing of the event:

 FRIDAY – Tarde de Luz
 Welcome drink in the lobby between 14:00 – 14:20
 Milonga: 14:30 – 19:30 (Snacks: 15:30 – 17:30)
 DJ: Tomaž Leskovšek (SLO)
 Group dinner: 20:00 – 22:00

 SATURDAY – Tarde de Encanto

 Chigong with Erika in the ballroom 7:45–8:30 —no experience needed just comfy clothes 
 Milonga: 13:00 – 19:00  (Snacks: 15:00 – 17:00)
 DJ: Erich Kaliwoda (AT)
 Group dinner: 19:30 – 22:00 with  Optional wine tasting during dinner.
The dinner on Saturday will be hybrid: the starter and the soup will be served at the table, while the rest will be buffet-style. For this reason, we will ask you to choose your starter at check-in.

 SUNDAY – Tarde de Amor
 Milonga: 11:00 – 17:00 ( Snacks: 12:00 – 15:00)
 15:00 – Farewell gathering & group photo
 DJ: Levente Pálffy (HU)

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🇭🇺 Hungarian | Magyar

Új korszak kezdődik a hétvégi tangó események világában?

A múlt hétvégi magyarországi Días de Luz y Sonrisas Encuentro egy új korszak kezdetét jelenti. Három hosszú milongában volt részünk, volt időnk a barátokra, közös kényelmes étkezésekre, sétákra, a wellness részlegre és végre eleget aludtunk. Mindez lehetővé tette, hogy a legjobb formánkat hozzuk a táncparketten – elvégre ez az elsődleges cél, amiért elutazunk egy eseményre. Micsoda megkönnyebbülés a végkimerülésig tartó, hajszolt tangós események után!

Bár a legtöbben elég idősek és bölcsek vagyunk már, a milonga-hétvégék általában nem tesznek jót az egészségnek és a hosszú életnek. A Sonrisas Encuentro volt az első kivétel, amit tapasztaltam. Néhány éve a feleségemmel találkoztunk a szervezőkkel, Mártával és Leventével Ausztriában, ahol mind a négyen úgy döntöttünk, hogy kihagyjuk az esti milongát a pihenés érdekében. Idén Márta mesélt a hárommilongás hétvégéjükről egy magyarországi kastélyban. Megérte az utat Franciaországból!

Valahogy mindenki jobban táncolt. Ez a „valahogy” a elegendő alvást, a természetben való sétát és a barátokkal töltött minőségi időt jelenti.

Szentül hiszem, hogy a tangó hosszú életet és egészséget kínál nekünk az ölelések, az improvizáció és a zene révén. De ezt elrontjuk azzal, ha túlzásba visszük. A Sonrisas-on meglepődtünk, hogy „csupán” három milonga mennyire tökéletes tud lenni. Talán azt gondolják, hogy már nem bírom a tempót? Nem erről van szó. Általában minden tandát végigtáncolok; az állóképesség a szupererőm – talán a triatlon és a maratonok miatt. Ez nem kor vagy fáradtság kérdése. Alvásszakértő terapeutaként ismerem a hosszú élet mögött álló tudományt. A tangó a wellness-programom része. Más szóval: ez a bölcsesség.

Beszélj a kedvenc szervezőiddel! Segíts nekik csatlakozni az új korszakhoz. Ha ott voltál, kérlek írj kommentet, vagy küldj e-mailt a mark.word1@gmail.com címre.

Szervezők: Pálffy Márta és Levente (Facebook).

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Timing Details 

• PÉNTEK / FREITAG / VENDREDI – Tarde de Luz

  • 14:00 – 14:20 Welcome Drink

  • 14:30 – 19:30 Milonga (Snacks: 15:30 – 17:30) | DJ: Tomaž Leskovšek (SLO)

  • 20:00 – 22:00 Group Dinner

• SZOMBAT / SAMSTAG / SAMEDI – Tarde de Encanto

  • 07:45 – 08:30 Qigong (Chigong) with Erika

  • 13:00 – 19:00 Milonga (Snacks: 15:00 – 17:00) | DJ: Erich Kaliwoda (AT)

  • 19:30 – 22:00 Hybrid Dinner & Wine Tasting

• VASÁRNAP / SONNTAG / DIMANCHE – Tarde de Amor

  • 11:00 – 17:00 Milonga (Snacks: 12:00 – 15:00) | DJ: Levente Pálffy (HU)

  • 15:00 Farewell & Group Photo

No Analogy Describes Tango Well

 

 
Warning: Don't tell your grandmother (or friends) what tango really is like

It might be best to avoid telling others how magical and mystical it is to you--how ineffable tango really is for you.  It may be best to simply lie or minimize how incredible your experiences are as a tango dancer.  Tell others, “Tango is like a conversation in dance.” That's a great minimization!  Or tell them, "Tango is like leading and following."  Your uncle, who was in the military, will understand that analogy, and his wife, who runs the HR department at work.  They understand leadership and followership.  DO NOT tell them any other analogies.  They will think you have lost your mind.  However, I wish tango teachers would stop with superficial analogies.  

In reality, most tango dancers know the ineffable, unspeakable beauty of dancing tango fits into not a single model (certainly not the conversation model or the lead/follow/military model).  Once you get closer to the truth about tango, other models and analogies to understand the experience will sound spiritual, esoteric, bordering on sounding like someone being on magic mushrooms.  These analogies might scare people away or damage your reputation! All analogies help us try to understand, but that is what they ALL are--just analogies. Let's consider some other possibilities that are at least closer than what you tell your grandmother.  As for me . . .

Tango is like . . .

• Like moments of Cosmic Oneness with another person (mystical).
• Like Being Possessed by Music, then moving in tandem with another (shamanism).
• Like Heaven on earth, but often with sore feet (otherworldly).
• Like Ecstasy without drugs (naturalist).
• Like Nirvana without a caste system (neo-Hinduism).
• Like a Healing Balm made through movement to music (dance and movement healer).
• Like having the most important role in an orchestra without being a musician (dancer-musician).
• Like harmonizing as a duet, then realizing the whole room harmonizes with you (clairvoyant singer).
• Like regression into childhood when we were all artists and dancers (Picasso's vision).
• Like what "incorporeal sex” might be like in Heaven (tantric connection that never dies).* 

Please help me with more analogies in the comments.  But certainly do use “tango is like leading and following in a conversation” while dancing, or just don't want to have people thinking you are weird.

I welcome your comments, and that you share this with tango friends only. ;-)

Footnote:
* Regarding the analogy of “like incorporeal sex” among the angels.   It may be the best analogy for tango of all models, but let others figure it out themselves.

Tango GOLF

Note:  This is a mere tango blog, but be prepared to learn about an aspect of the world that is radically changing, and is already affecting all the young men you know, especially in tango.  

Tango GOLF (Gentlemen Only, Leading and Following) responds to the myriad "ladies only" tango classes worldwide. Men, too, need to learn how to dance both roles, but for profoundly different reasons that reflect huge shifts occurring in the world.  Experienced male dancers need to change two things, in my opinion.  One, give up on competing with younger men.  They need mentorship for the survival of the future tango community.  Number two, become a model for what they need to do to survive in tango in the new century.  This means that it is time to learn both roles.  This, my friends, is a return to the roots of Argentine tango:  Men mentoring men.

Perhaps you have noticed the great changes in role fluidity from the perspective of sociologists. Women have finally made strides in many areas of life, but at the same time, younger women have not just caught up—they are now passing men and leaving them behind in several key metrics. And women in general do not care that men are struggling--as if this is some sort of love of inequality.  This educational and professional reversal is contributing to what sociologists are calling the "Mating Market Mismatch" and "Male Social Disengagement."  There are fixes, but when the general public doesn't even know something is broken, one should not hope for a fix.

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The Crisis of Male Social Disengagement

Sociologists are not reporting on the small niche of tango, but they are voicing increasing concern that young men are finding it very hard to have intimate relationships with women, even just an old-fashioned human connection with their female peers.

The data is startling: Young women are now the majority of people graduating from college, and the disparity is now wider against men than it was against women before Title IX was enacted in 1972 in the US to help women enter college. In some specialized fields, the shift is extreme: approximately 90% of psychologists under 30 are women.

As women achieve higher educational and professional status, their dating preferences become highly selective. Check out dating apps: younger women now consistently seek partners who are taller, richer, and often older than they are. Many young men cannot meet these prerequisites for a date with their female peers. Consequently, younger men remain unwilling virgins for a much longer time than past generations.

When young men fail to meet these cultural markers of masculine success (professional, romantic, or financial), they often internalize the failure and retreat. This retreat feeds into the toxic cycle of online withdrawal and resentment, where isolation and gaming replace face-to-face interaction.

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The "Walk Away From Tango" Moment

This sociological crisis is playing out on the milonga floor.

Earlier, a young man taking up tango would eventually show up at a milonga and feel overwhelmed by the effort required to master the leader's role. Now, double that pressure. He arrives to find that both men and women can lead wonderfully.

If he sees his female peers dancing the traditional lead role with skill and confidence, he might conclude the effort is pointless. He might walk away. If he does, it will be just another failure to break away from toxic internet dialogues, decrying how he cannot compete with established, older men. This withdrawal reinforces the social isolation that is damaging the mental health and well-being of young men globally.

The Hypergamous Trap on the Dance Floor

I see more and more young women coming into tango dancing, mostly with other women.  In a recent encuentro, I saw women under 30 rarely dancing with a man. Second, on the 30-and-under women's preference list are elite male dancers, and finally, any man within their dating range. That means the new generation of women will start excluding not only younger men, but also older men who are there not at the milonga for dating but just want to dance. Older women, too, are tired of sitting and waiting for a dance with a man.  The gender gap is only growing wider, and older, experienced dancers are tired of waiting for a dance; so they are going to LOMF (ladies only, men forbidden) tango workshops with the sole goal of learning to lead. 

I learned to follow by following my wife and mentoring her to be a leader.  Now, she rarely dances with a man at some milongas.  The men, she says, are doing a bunch of figures, are blowing through the musical phrases like a driver running stop signs--missing wonderful opportunities to be musically aware with their partners.  This is another reason Tango GOLF is needed for many "experienced" men.  There is much to be learned by knowing what it feels like to be led by a dancer with sensitivities to both roles.

The feminization of tango is neither good nor bad—it's simply a description of what changes are happening in the larger society and in the dance. It is becoming obvious that especially younger men need to learn both roles to survive in the new world of tango.

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Tango GOLF as a Social Intervention

Tango GOLF is the necessary intervention. My plan is to get men together to learn the so-called following role, just as men learned together in Argentina when the country had few women. For profoundly different reasons, tango has come full circle.

The core of Tango GOLF is not just about mastering the other role; it is about re-establishing positive male-to-male mentorship and creating a safe, low-pressure social environment.

• Building Confidence in a Safe Space: GOLF creates a space for all men to socialize, seek guidance, and build self-esteem in a positive setting, countering the negative isolation seen in the wider culture. They learn to follow first, experiencing what it feels like to be led well, before having to face the high-pressure demands of the lead role at a milonga.

• Developing New Masculinity: For me, learning the following role forced a totally different perspective on life. It is a lesson in empathy, presence, and non-defensive communication—skills that sociologists argue young men desperately need to succeed in modern relationships.

• The Survival Skill: Learning both roles is a path to survival and growth. At modern milongas, a man who can dance both roles will dance nearly every tanda. You will get dances because the modern woman may want to lead at least two of the four songs of a tanda, and you will be ready to follow.  Also, just like women, you will begin dancing with people who bring joy to the dance.  You can ask people who have seen me dancing for nearly 20 years.  Unlike most dancers, I try to dance with every woman at a small milonga or during the course of a 3-day event.  But now, I truly do not want to be obligated to dance with everyone.  Many women never take any classes or try to improve.  I would rather dance with a man who is putting effort into being an all-around dancer.  The women do not like this change--the very change they have fought for and deserve:  Dance with people who bring inspiration to the dance.

We must help young men brave the sandtraps and water obstacles that keep beginner dancers from successful dancing. The first step is to give them a place where failure is just learning, and where success is defined by connection, empathy, and growth—not competition.  Your local Tango G.O.L.F. is that place.  Please email me if you are interested in doing this in your community or already have started.

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Post Script:  If you have a boy or young man whom you love, you may be interested in the data behind this blog post.  Once minorities become majorities, they have the risk of forgetting what it was like to be a minority.   There is no new Title IX to help young men, nor interest from those who were once left out.  If these statistics below are a surprise to you, it is because there is no social awareness or concern for a new minority.  And the reason for not caring is something like the age-old way of keeping minorities down: "They deserve it."  "It is their fault."  "Tough luck for them; let them suffer like we did."  The darker phenomenon of this mentality extends to those who once suffered genocide, becoming those who commit genocide.  Here is our new minority, unseen and unheard:  Young men.

👩‍⚕️ Healthcare and Therapy

Many health and care-related fields, which were historically often male at the top (doctors/surgeons) but mixed or female-dominated in support roles, have seen a substantial feminization across the board, particularly at the practitioner level.

• Veterinarians: Women have been the majority of veterinary school graduates for decades, leading to a female majority in the profession.

• Pharmacists: Women make up over 60% of the pharmacy workforce in some regions, with the trend for pharmacy school graduates even higher.

• Physician Assistants (PAs) and Nurse Practitioners (NPs): These roles, which involve advanced clinical practice, are overwhelmingly female-dominated. For example, Nurse Practitioners are often over 85% women.

• Physical and Occupational Therapists: These fields are strongly female-dominated, with Occupational Therapists often being over 85% women.

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🍎 Education and Law

Fields requiring advanced degrees have also seen major shifts, driven by women earning a majority of bachelor's and master's degrees for several decades.

• Lawyers/Legal Occupations: Women have been earning a majority of law degrees in the U.S. for some time. While the overall population of lawyers is still closer to a 60/40 male-female split (due to older, established professionals), the percentage of younger lawyers and legal professionals entering the field is much closer to parity, with women often being the majority in graduating classes.

• Elementary and Middle School Teachers: This has long been a female-dominated field, with percentages often around 80% female. The discussion here is less about men losing dominance and more about the historical continuation of female dominance in a non-high-paying professional field.

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💼 Business and Management Support

Even within the corporate structure, certain professional and administrative roles have become predominantly female.

• Human Resources (HR) Managers: Women make up a strong majority of HR professionals and managers, often around 70-75% in management roles.

• Marketing Managers: Women frequently outnumber men in this field, often around 60% or more.

• Accountants and Auditors: The gender balance is shifting here, moving closer to parity (around 50/50), which is a major change from a historically male-dominated, high-status business profession.

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Gender Reversal in U.S. College Graduates (true in Europe too)

The shift in college graduation rates in the U.S. represents a dramatic gender reversal, moving from a historical gap that disadvantaged women to a new one that now disadvantages men.

1. The Disparity Before Title IX (Early 1970s)

Before the passage of Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, which banned sex-based discrimination in any federally funded education program, men dominated higher education enrollment and completion.

• Gender Gap: Around 1972, there was an approximate 12-percentage-point gap in the proportion of bachelor's degrees awarded, with men receiving the majority.

• Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (1970):

  • Men: Approximately 60% of all undergraduates enrolled.

  • Women: Approximately 40% of all undergraduates enrolled.

• Barriers: Women faced high barriers, including explicit or implicit quotas in graduate schools (like law and medicine), higher admission standards for female applicants, and fewer opportunities in high-earning fields.

2. The New Disparity Today (Post-2000s)

The gender gap began to reverse in the mid-1980s, and it has since widened to a degree that is now larger than the original gap, but in the opposite direction.

• Gender Gap: By 2019, the gender gap in bachelor's degrees awarded was wider, at about 14 percentage points, favoring women.

• Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (Recent Data):

  • For every 100 women who received a bachelor's degree in the 2018-2019 academic year, only about 74 men did.

  • Women earned approximately 57-58% of all bachelor's degrees annually.

• Enrollment Rate (Ages 25-29, Recent):

  • In 2022, 44% of women in the 25-29 age group had completed a bachelor's degree or higher, compared to only 35% of men.

• Enrollment: Men now make up a smaller share of enrolled students than ever before, accounting for about 41% of students enrolled in U.S. postsecondary institutions in fall 2020. This shift is driven by men having lower high school graduation rates, lower enrollment rates, and lower completion rates after enrolling.

The Disparity Change in Europe and Latin America

The trend of women increasingly surpassing men in tertiary (college/university) education is a global phenomenon, and both Europe and Latin America reflect this change.

European Countries

In the European Union, the gender gap in tertiary education has also reversed to favor women, though the size of the gap varies by country.

• Overall Trend: The share of women and men graduating from university has increased steadily, but the growth rate has been faster for women.

• Recent Attainment (Ages 15-64, 2023):

  • Women: 34% of citizens had finished tertiary education.

  • Men: 28% of citizens had finished tertiary education.

• EU 2020 Target (Ages 30-34): The EU achieved its tertiary education target for women (46%) but fell short for men (36%).

• Largest Gaps: Countries like Estonia (17 percentage points) and Latvia (14 percentage points) showed some of the largest gaps favoring women tertiary graduates. Conversely, a few countries like Germany, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands still had small gaps favoring men, though these are the exceptions to the general EU trend.

 Latin American Countries

Latin America and the Caribbean have made extremely significant progress and now rank highly in the world for gender parity in higher education.

• Overall Trend: The region's gender gap in higher education began to inverse around 1993.

• Recent Enrollment: More than 6 out of 10 women in Latin America and the Caribbean attend college, compared to less than half of men.

• Historical Context: In 1970, only about 5% of women in the region were educated beyond secondary school, highlighting the massive scale of the change.

• Parity: Many countries in the region have effectively closed the gender gap in tertiary education, with women now achieving higher average years of schooling than their male counterparts. However, disparities can still exist among specific groups, such as indigenous communities in countries like Guatemala and Bolivia.

In summary, the transition from a male-dominated education system to a female-majority one is consistent across the U.S., Europe, and Latin America, demonstrating a major global shift in educational attainment.

This is a critical area of sociological and psychological analysis today, representing a complex interaction between shifting female autonomy, traditional mating preferences, and the pressure on young men.

The trends of rising male virginity/sexlessness and strong female preferences for taller, richer, and older partners are converging to create significant pressures on young men, impacting their mental health, self-esteem, and social behavior.

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📈 The Rise of Involuntary Male Virginity/Sexlessness

Data from various countries, including the U.S., suggest that the proportion of young adults (particularly men in their 20s and early 30s) who are not sexually active or are virgins has increased. While women are also experiencing a rise in sexlessness, the issue for men is often framed as involuntary celibacy, or the state of being an unwilling virgin, which carries unique social and psychological burdens.

Impact on Young Men: Mental Health and Identity

The primary impact is on mental health and self-identity. For many men, sexual and romantic success is still closely tied to the traditional standard of masculinity and self-worth. When they fail to meet this standard, the effects can be severe:

• Shame and Anxiety: The "Standard Virginity Loss Narrative" dictates that men must lose their virginity by a certain age (often early 20s). Failing to meet this arbitrary standard leads to intense shame, anxiety, and the fear of being "outed" as a virgin, which becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of social withdrawal and isolation.

• Feeling "Defective" or "Unworthy": Many men in this situation describe feeling "broken," "defective," or "unworthy" of a relationship. Sex moves from being something enjoyable to a massive, intimidating milestone that casts a shadow over their entire identity.

• Resentment and Blame: This frustration can lead to two opposing reactions:

  • Self-Blame: Internalizing the failure, leading to increased depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

  • External Blame: Developing bitterness and resentment toward the opposite sex, often expressed in toxic online communities (like incel groups), which reinforces negative social behaviors and further isolates them.

• Reduced Socialization: Contributing factors to this rise are social changes like increased screen time (internet, gaming), reduced participation in traditional social organizations, higher rates of mental health concerns (anxiety/depression), and the financial inability to live independently (which is a major de facto barrier to sex/dating).

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💎 The Hypergamous Trap: Taller, Richer, Older

The difficulties faced by many young men are amplified by the persistence of hypergamous preferences in dating and mating markets—the sociological tendency (traditionally by women) to choose a partner with higher socioeconomic status, resources, or social rank than themselves.

In the modern dating market, which is increasingly mediated by online apps that create an environment of massive choice, women's preferences for taller partners, richer (or high-earning potential), and often older become highly salient.

Impact on Young Men: Competition and Desirability

This dynamic creates an extreme competition gradient that particularly disadvantages younger men who are still establishing themselves.

1. Socioeconomic Squeeze (Richer/Older):

   • Young women today are the most highly educated generation in history and are increasingly financially independent. This raises the baseline status a woman expects in a male partner.

   • A young man fresh out of college or navigating the gig economy is often financially precarious, struggling with student debt, and living with parents—the exact opposite of the "provider" status many women desire.

   • This forces young men into direct competition with older, established men (who are financially secure and often taller), who are also pursuing young women, creating an incredibly steep barrier for younger men at the lower end of the income/career-trajectory distribution.

2. Physical Criterion (Taller):

   • Sociological studies confirm that the preference for a taller man is a strong, consistent, and global preference among women, often linked to evolutionary cues of dominance, protection, and social status.

   • Men are more likely to be dissatisfied with their own height than women, indicating that they are highly aware of this external preference and the way it affects their desirability. This preference acts as a non-negotiable filter on dating apps and in social settings, excluding men of average or short stature regardless of other positive qualities.

3. The Exchange Dynamic:

   • Sociologically, the mating market involves an exchange: Men traditionally offer status/resources, and women offer youth/attractiveness.

   • In the current environment, young men often lack the resources/status to make this exchange, while young women often possess the educational status and youth/attractiveness that older, richer men desire, creating a "mating market mismatch" that leaves a significant number of young men feeling excluded and inadequate.

These trends paint a picture of rising psychological stress and social isolation for a cohort of young men who are struggling to adapt to a dating market where female choice has become highly selective, largely divorced from traditional economic necessity, and focused on traits that take time and money (status/wealth) or are unchangeable (height).

Photo credit and statistics:  Gemini.

If Vladimir Putin Danced Tango

Imagine that Mr. Vladimir Putin gave up his perpetual presidential office after ten years in office to dedicate his life to tango.  This post is a thought experiment about the transformative power of dance and especially Argentine Tango. One also can do this thought experiment on oneself, such as, “imagine if you [never] learned tango....”

The Alternate Universe
So, picture in your mind that Mr. Putin discovered tango.  He had already amassed great wealth from his dealings with the oligarchs he had created. Mr. Putin, adored by so many Russian women, appears on the Russian version of "Dancing with the Stars" in Moscow. His middle-aged female fans swoon. It was a forgone conclusion that he would win, of course.  But nevertheless, he falls in love with dancing Argentine tango, and eventually he becomes a good dancer.  With his status as the former president and now a dancing star, he does much for tango.  He studies tango with a renowned teacher, Sebastian Arce--a tango teacher once living in Moscow who writes about his philosophy as being balanced with two essential ingredients for great tango:  Showmanship and courtship.  (This philosophy works well with any larger-than-life politician.)  Of course, Acre's tango philosophy applies perfectly to Mr. Putin, but also to Donald Trump, who, in retirement, also starts dancing tango.  Many might not have this philosophy of showmanship and courtship, but most agree that something is true for everyone because in tango, you dance your character.  We also tend to find tango teachers that match our characters (or wannabe personalities).

Mr. Putin invests a lot of money in helping tango grow.  As far as his character goes, Mr. Putin is somewhat like many tango stars. He is suited to be an influencer for tango after he competes on a show fashioned after Dancing with the Stars. He does well, and the dance judges are amazed at his quick progress.

Mr. Acre helps Mr. Putin advance his dance quickly through many private lessons in Moscow.  Luckily, we all learned recently Mr. Sebastian Arce's secret for his success with Mr. Putin.  Acre's philosophy showed up on Facebook: Showmanship and courtship define the essence of tango.*  

Фокс энд френдс the TV show in Russia
Mr. Putin, echoes his new tango teacher on a TV show in Russia. Then as great surprise for everyone, Mr. Putin dances with a beautiful professional dancer.  The ratings go off the charts. Mr. Putin does a good job for not having that much time as a tango dancer.  

The next day, other TV commentators invite tango dancers and even a dance psychologist into their studio.  The psychologist says, “The Swiss psychiatrist, Dr. Jung, told us to learn what our unconscious shadow personality is.  I think becoming aware of our show-off side is essential for being better dancers and people.  But it is our shadow and not our developed and enlightened self.  Mr. Arce has done dancers a favor to make dancers wonder where they are on the 'spectrum of being a show-off,' and their shadow side. Even very timid people, after they learn to play an instrument start feeling comfortable performing for friends.  So there is truly a 'spectrum of showing off.'”  Other well-known dancers say that it is creepy to suggest that tango is all about showmanship and courtship.  They claim social dance is rarely about these things.

In the End...

The world is a better place because of Mr. Putin's contribution to tango in this Alternative Universe.  Thanks for visiting us here. If you come back to this Alternative Universe, we can tell you more about how Mr. Putin eventually fell in love with the fine movements of musicality.  He discovered the beauty of a close, warm embrace and how he sponsored so many tango events all over the world to help people experience the beauty of tango. Today, he is bringing many people to love tango. He now runs a wonderful milonga in Moscow, co-founded by Donald Trump, that features excellent Epoca de Oro tango and great DJ's.  Mr. Putin's World Tango Foundation organizes tango events all across the globe, including in Ukraine and Canada, which were never invaded. We like it here in the Alternative Universe.  It's calm here.

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Photo credit:  Craiyon.com for Mr. Putin's boleo.

Footnotes:
(1)  This post is inspired by Éric Immanuel Schmitt, who wrote the book La Part de l'Autre : 
La Part de l'autre ("The Part of The Other", also called "The Alternative Hypothesis") is a 2001 alternate history novel by Éric-Emmanuel Schmitt, the plot serving to illustrate the writer's ideas of Moral Philosophy. It consists of a fictionalized biography of Adolf Hitler, sticking to the known facts of Hitler's life, in parallel with the fictional alternative biography of the world-famous painter known as "Adolf H." - the person that Hitler could have become.

According to Schmitt, "The minute which changed the course of world history" is the moment when a member of the jury of the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts uttered the words "Adolf Hitler: Failed".^[1] The historical character, angry and bitter at being rejected by the academy, feeling that he deserved to be accepted and that he must have been the victim of some kind of conspiracy, begins to descend the path that would eventually lead him to be the rabble-rousing leader of the Nazi Party and the dictator of Nazi Germany.

Conversely, in the alternative reality where the jury member said "Adolf Hitler: Accepted", the young Hitler is deliriously happy to enter the academy, where he discovers a world of feelings that his less fortunate double would never know - eventually leading to his becoming the highly successful painter Adolf H.

(2) These two “essential things” written by Sebastian Arce are given below in this post on March 15, 2025.  Not only Mr. Putin, but many others share belief in these two essential principals--as seen in the endless list of people who praise Mr. Arce for his tango wisdom.  Please visit his Facebook page to see all the praise and the viral shares he received.  For those who know my blog, know that the dance for me is mostly internal affair, shared with one other person and perhaps also with those dancing on the floor at the same time.  But many tango dancers do not feel that way.   (See his philosophy as written below.)

Mr. Arce's comments in full (Facebook, 15 March 2025) https://www.facebook.com/arcetango and then my post script below:

“Argentine Tango is deeply rooted in these two essential social dynamics: courting and showing off (read previous reel).  Courting in tango is about the unspoken dialogue between partners. It’s the game of attraction, subtle seduction, and connection built through musicality, embrace, and energy. It mirrors the natural rhythm of human relationships—how two people negotiate space, trust, and desire through movement.
Showing off is the external expression of this dynamic. It’s how dancers assert presence, style, and confidence. Whether it’s through intricate footwork, posture, or attitude, it’s a performance not just for the partner but for the surrounding audience. In a milonga, this is particularly evident in how leaders showcase control and elegance, while followers display grace and sensitivity.
Tango, at its core, thrives on the balance of these forces. Too much showing off without genuine connection makes it empty; too much intimacy without external projection makes it invisible. The dance lives in this tension—between inner emotion and outer expression.
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For courting and showing off to coexist harmoniously in Argentine Tango, there must be a fundamental rule:  The man must prioritize the woman, and the woman must prioritize the man.  This is not about submission or dominance—it is about balance.

For the man: Prioritizing the woman means creating a space where she can shine. It’s about leading with clarity, protection, and generosity, ensuring she feels confident, admired, and expressive. His steps, posture, and musical choices should highlight her beauty, grace, and movement.

For the woman: Prioritizing the man means responding with equal intention, embracing his lead while bringing her own personality and artistry into the dance. It’s about trust, presence, and the ability to elevate the connection rather than simply following.

When both partners put the other first, a natural synergy emerges. The dance becomes fluid, magnetic, and deeply engaging—both for them and for those watching. This is what separates an ordinary tango from an unforgettable one.

He also suggests understanding his intent in this post about the dynamic between partners.

https://www.facebook.com/arcetango
March 15, 2025
Please read the adoring comments to his posts on Facebook.  Here is one:
“Oh, my! I have never heard such a clear definition and explanation of how I feel the dance. Thank you, Sebastian.”

Post Script:
Just my little opinion:  As alluded to by the ideas of Dr. Jung, there is a shadow side that we all have.  Of course, that shadow side can be very dangerous, but in most cases it stays hidden.  He wanted people to know their dark side so that it would not overcome them as a surprise.  I see showing off as a normal tendency of teens and younger dancers, not only in their lives but on the dance floor.  This is only a developmental step, and absolutely normal as people develop.  It's not wrong, but it's not where I believe that many social dancers are with their dance. Showing off and courting is more a description of the animal kingdom than a philosophy: The peacock and his feathers does not need to read Jung's work to get along better in the world.  But perhaps humans should read Jung's works.