The Tango Town Survival Guide (Because You're Already Living There)
If you did not read the thought experiment in my last post, "Living in Tango Town," please read it first.
Based on the comments on that post, a majority of people said they would not come to "Tango Town." They gave many reasons. This follow-up is for those who said, "Hell yes!" to this imagined social experiment.
In this scenario, a newly created local tango community would be richly rewarded, allowing participants to afford top-tier lessons and fly their family and friends out to visit. To me, the reaction to this experiment was totally unexpected: Tango Town was seen by many as a type of tango hell.
Of course, Tango Town is a fiction designed to elicit how one feels about the prospects of being "stuck" in a local tango community. However, I thought that providing the best possible conditions would overcome any concerns. Nope. But why?
To give you context, here are the eight main benefits that many readers actually rejected:
Unlimited Education: A stipend of 1 million euros over 5 years to study non-stop with private instruction in tango, languages, philosophy, yoga, tai chi, and human growth.
Global Connection: The financial means to fly family and friends from around the world to visit you.
World-Class Socials: Regular milongas with a high-level dance community, guest friends, and excellent international DJs.
Abundant Time: Plenty of time to read and pursue personal intellectual interests.
Elite Wellness: Access to sports and physical fitness with personal coaches.
Community Resources: A financially secure community with enough combined resources to host tango encuentros, marathons, and festivals without worrying about liability. Certainly, 150 wealthy tango dancers could grow their local community, right?
Accessible Healing: The ability to work on personal growth through therapy without the burden of high healthcare or insurance costs.
Future Freedom: Enough capital to donate to important causes or build a business for future financial freedom and early retirement.
Because you read the Tango Therapist Blog, below I present some ideas on how to survive the main "adversity" of constantly going to your local milonga. 😉
Sure, becoming rich has some risks, but most people do well with financial security. Sorry to say this, but you will not actually be chosen to participate in this research. The Tango Town experiment was merely a mirror to reflect how you view your current local milonga scene. Since many saw the experiment as a nightmare, it's clear that local scenes present real challenges!
These survival ideas will help you navigate them—because your local milonga is Tango Town!
The Tango Town Survival Plan
Having no plan increases the likelihood of your local milonga becoming Tango Hell. If your default strategy has been avoiding local milongas, skipping lessons, or dodging less-than-ideal DJs, you need a strategy. In the thought experiment, avoidance wasn't an option. To survive and thrive in a local scene, people must learn to get along and dance well with others. That is demanding.
1. Expand Your Tango Roles
In a small community, learn to dance both roles. In Tango Town, a gender-balanced community of 150 people means you have 75 potential partners. If you learn both roles, that number instantly doubles to 149. Because most real-world communities aren't perfectly gender-balanced, dual-role dancing becomes vital. It’s a massive challenge for some, but what a great challenge to have! Tango teachers often keep this tightly held secret: learning the other role is exactly what made them better.
2. Value Your Organizers
Make friends with your local organizers and help them. Some people show their love for tango through their organizational labor. Value this. If you want to influence them to host earlier milongas or cultivate an environment of ethical dance through the traditional etiquette (los Códigos de Tango), build a relationship with them. And if necessary, step up and organize a milonga or práctica yourself.
3. No Shunning
Greet everyone; shun no one. There is no justification for shunning people just because you don't want to dance with them. Greet people warmly, but be clear that you choose your dance partners via mirada and cabeceo. Ignoring someone out of fear that they might ask you to dance represents a lack of courage to set adult boundaries. A simple, "Hey, I'm glad to see you here," goes a long way. If necessary, you can establish boundaries later: "We may never dance, but I see you as a person and I'm glad you're part of this community."
4. Avoid Making Cliques
Dance across generations. If you only look for partners based on age, dating potential, or sexual attraction, it will lead to poor outcomes for both you and the community. I regularly dance with a woman who is blind and nearly 90 years old; she is an absolute joy in my life and those dances are incredibly memorable. When I danced in Latin America, everyone danced with everyone, regardless of age.
5. Dance with the Person, Not Their Beliefs
Dance with fans of Putin, Trump, Netanyahu, or whomever you disagree with politically and philosophically. I call it "dancing with the enemy" to make them human. If dance cannot bridge the gap between people who disagree, what will? Arguing?
6. Support Local DJs (And Get Over Yourself)
DJs vary in quality. Even playing the same music, some lack a sense of timing. My wife and I are currently working on what it takes to become good DJs ourselves—if you don't like a local DJ, become a better one. I know supporting local talent can be hard. Sometimes, my fellow tango connoisseurs, music is like wine: the wine might be mediocre, but the company is excellent. If you only look for "fine wine" at a milonga, you miss what makes the evening great: friends. This is your local milonga; get over yourself. (I might be talking to myself here. 😊)
7. Commit to Local Lessons
People who rejected Tango Town often said they wanted to travel to better themselves. But look at Buenos Aires: local barrios became the breeding grounds for excellent dancing. Running away from your own neighborhood isn't always the most efficient way to grow. If you are willing to drive three hours to another city to dance on a Saturday, try investing that same time and gas money into working with a local teacher or practice partner.
To grow, you do need to dance with different people. For me, dancing well with beginners—as both a leader and a follower—is an incredible way to sharpen my own skills while helping the community grow. Traveling to other cities is fine, but having a coach where you live changes the game. If Tiger Woods always had a coach, who are you to skip out on one? I’ve been dancing for 20 years, but two years ago, I started taking beginner lessons as a follower—first in groups, then privates. It completely transformed my leading. My wife experienced the exact same thing.
8. Grow Psychologically and Spiritually
Address the old hurts, insecurities, and social anxieties we carry from childhood and everyday life. These unresolved issues love to manifest at the milonga. Rejection, cliques, rumors, boundary violations, jealousy, and mimetic desire ("coveting others' partners") are the exact reasons people run away from local communities. They are trying to escape themselves.
In Tango Town, you couldn't run; you had five years and a stipend for a therapist to sort it out. Confronting these issues in your local scene won't be easy, but the need to grow is still there.
Postscript: Help Me Understand
I still struggle to comprehend why the idea of living in Tango Town caused such aversion. What am I missing?
I want to hear from you. Please send me your thoughts via email at mark.word1@gmail.com or leave a comment on Facebook. Those who said "Hell, no!" have explained their rationale (and told me I'm mistaken about their avoidance!). Now, I would love to hear from those who genuinely love their local milongas, or who would gladly pack their bags for Tango Town.
