Her Shoes at My Door

Her Shoes at my Door
She forgot her shoes at the milonga.
I agreed to take them to her the next day,
But this morning I saw them waiting at my door
And I lost my senses for a moment.
"Maybe I could keep them," I told myself.
"They look good at my door,"
I thought.

I reluctantly decided to give them back.
So I drove by and dropped them off.
"Shoe delivery!"
I said.

She, her husband, the dogs, the cat and I
Talked for a while.
But my mind wandered for a while
Back to the shoes by my door, my mind
Wandered to a pretend world, a woman in my life.
She was upstairs watching a tango video,
Telling me to come upstairs
To see.

She just took a shower.
I felt her presence, good to have her here.
I was fooling myself that I could live without her,
That I could live without a companion.

Yes, I was fooling myself.
I had to give the shoes back.
No woman upstairs,
No woman freshly out of the shower,
Talking to her dog, as if he understood,
Swooning over a tango film clip
On the computer screen.

My shoes sit now alone at the door.
I wonder if they are angry at me.
Her shoes told me more about myself
Than I was ready for this morning.

The novel woman,
With her shoes at my door
Was a fiction written
Just for me.
By a lonely heart.

by Mark Word
31 May 2010


Photo credit:
"Los Zapatos Abandonados,"
by Sybille Word
18 Jan 2017

Organic Tango: Inspired by women

Organic tango* is a term I use to describe what happens when the music and and the chemistry between two people create something that is unique.  Organic tango is happening all the time, but sometimes we just don't realize it. 

In therapy sessions with individuals and couples there is often at least one moment that is "momentous."  Maybe it's a woman who realizes down to her bone that she is not even remotely to blame for her rape when she was a girl.  The years of self-blame melt in one session.  Or the couple that realizes that they truly do adore each other, and they commit to work of being a couple.  Today, a combat vet in my office cried for the first time about his friend burning to death in a Bradly Fighting Vehicle in Iraq, and a weight fell from his soldiers.  His heart beat went from 102 to 70 beats per minute in just a few minutes.  His migraine headache vanished.  I call this "a holy moment" because in religion the expectation is normalized that if one recognizes holy moments, more blessings will come.  "Then a window from heaven will open up with a bounty more than you can receive."  I have holy moments all the time.  In therapy sessions with combat veterans.  Moments with my children.  On the dance floor.  When these holy moments happen on the dance floor, Organic Tango is happening.

If you don't recognize these moments for the holy moments they are, then I believe they will disapate as efemeral warm-fuzzy moments.  It is kind of like Moses hearing the 10 Commandments but forgetting about them after the long trek down Mt. Siani.  "Hey Moses, your hair turn white, man.  What happened to you?"  Moses says, "Man, it was really cool. Lightning and stuff.  You shudda been there, man."Take note of the holy ground that you are trodding upon.   It is my job in therapy sessions to recognize these moments from what people are saying, and point out the moment.  Otherwise it too often disappears as just a "warm fuzzy" for the moment.  Holy ground becomes the dance floor when a woman says, "You know that thing we did over in that corner. [She's pointing.] What was that?  It was cool."  Scheeez.  I don't know anymore.  Focus, Mark.  Try to reconstruct.  She helps with a vague description.  It was a special moment in the music and how she responded.  Yes, now I remember. Something just grew out of the moment, the music, the connection that both of us had never experienced from classes or with other dancers.  This is organic tango.  No preservatives or pesticides or artificial fertilizers.  It nourishes your soul.



Here is some practical advice of how to remember these moments, a way to "count your blessings" to be ready for more:  Name the new move after the woman who inspired it (and take note of the music).  The ladies have led me so often to new places on a discovery walk.   In the last reflection, I said "women do lead."  This means "lead to organic tango."
 
So gentlemen, buy a spiral notebook.  I have been naming inspirations after my tangueras for about four months now. It has been wonderful, and more organic tango is blooming in my tango garden all the time as a result!


As for the ladies:  Having a turn, sacada or gancho named after you is much better than in the medical science community. How would you like to be Jessica Alzheimer or Susan Heimlich? Embarrassing at cocktail parties.

So I am dedicating myself to remembering those women who inspire a particular move and/or the music that led us there. The one woman who has inspired me the most was Alicia.  She is responsible for countless steps we have co-discovered. One paso I call, "Ocho Caminando de Alicia" keeps her in the cross system (ochos atrás) while alternating my forward traspies both on the open and closed sides.  Because of Mary Ann (Austin), I was inspired to do the Ocho Caminando on the closed side in milonguero embrace for the first time some months ago. 

The second person responsible for many moves started inspiring me on her 3rd month as a tanguera. Janet somehow is responsible for so many new ideas that I cannot even remember which ones belong to her (sorry Janet).


Most of my best inspirations often come from a partner who fully accepts me. It is hard not to sense the critical thoughts of any woman who is judging me as if I were in some sort of audition, and thereafter I usually cannot grow organic tango in her presence.  I can dance well because I dance in honor of the music, composer and musicians, but she must be put out of my thoughts.  Physcially we are dancing but their is no psychological connection.

Female teachers used to intimidate me, but now Mardi Brown (Austin) is great for organic tango, or better said, offers me a great musical pathway that is wonderful.  Her organic tango can last for a whole song or tanda.  Austin's new world class teacher and dancer, Daniela Acuri, from Buenos Aires inspired a new clockwise turn recently as we were dancing. Later, I perfected it in cross system with a veteran dancer, Kathy D. So it has her name as el círculo de Katrina.

Just recently el círculo became an INCREDIBLE move because of all the other women who taught me how to make it work with most anyone.  An interesting alternative response to my lead came from Johanna in LA. Other women were doing what she did but she was the first to do it very cleanly. Before Johanna I was misunderstanding what some women were doing until I saw (felt) Johanna do it. So now I recognize that women interpret el Círculo de Katarina in two basic ways.


The great tangueras in Santa Mónica, California recently, made me realize that each woman makes me speak my tango with their dialect and accent. With Sara (Santa Barbara), I was able to do little nuances that I would have never tried before. However she kept catching little things and I kept getting more subtle. Her organic tango moment is called el decrecendo de Sara (small steps that melt into only body movements) -- so luscious.

Wanda, from San Diego, allowed me to pause and improvise off of the sub-rhythms of tango (musically stated 1/4/7 of eightnotes or quarternotes or even half-notes).  Again leading me to places I had never been before, but that was also true of Caroline, Sara W. and Wanda in California. I now see this ability to not pull me into the next step as the epitome of a great tanguera.  (Note to guys:  Going slower in these sub-rhythms can also be led with talented beginners; so don't blame women if they don't "get it."  Also, guys this rhythm is the essence of tango/milonga/canyenge; so if you don't know what this means, send me an email.  Women cannot very easily inspire you to dance to this; it must be by listening to the music.  I discovered it by dancing by myself a lot.)


There are other pasos like el Péndulo de Mari (Austin) that is outrageously fun in a milonga.  It had never worked in close embrace and it was taught by a famous tango great (Salas) as an open embrace caminada.  But one evening Mari and I discovered something new in the milonguero embrace.  This was truly organic tango because she is somewhat shorter than I, and even now the pendulum is somewhat easier with tall women usually.  Not for her though.  The move belongs to her.

Dayna is responsible for a counter rhythm with a barrida during a molinete (two against three). I don't know what the heck I should call that. ¿Perhaps la cosa de Dayna? I am not going to describe this because I don't have command of English enough to do it justice. 

Just this Sunday, Sara M. (Austin/Seattle) along with the music inspired an extended segment in which she was dancing on the downbeat and I on the upbeat. It was an out-of-body experience. ¿Poli-ritmos de Sara?  That was definitely organic because it was in close embrace.  She owns it, and the music really called for it.  It won't work just any time -- a hallmark of truly organic tango.

How often does organic tango happen?  At the start, I said "all the time."  But are we recognizing these moments?  Just last weekend on Friday, Bentley created the "Pivot de Bentley," which I didn't even recognize as being that special until she pointed it out as being so fun, and yes, another organic tango moment. This led Kathy D. to comment (at a práctica) last Sunday that she felt the Pivot de Bentley wasn't soft enough. So Kathy inspired the softer version and by accident we created a leg-push sacada (her left leg) with a thigh sacada (her right leg) all with my left leg. This is repeated about 4 times for a 360 degree fairly tight circle. We are in the cross system. It is awesome. Thank you ladies! The result (according to my notebook): A combination (in cross) of Pivot de Bentley and círculo a la izquierda con sacadas alternadas de Katarina. Incredible.

From writing this article, I know that I am already in trouble for not naming all the other great inspirations from countless tangueras. I am humbled by their generous contributions to my treasure chest.

An important note:
These moments I am describing here are in some ways not true organic tango, which can go on all night.  But I do not have the words to describe this phenomenon.  Tango is not a compilation of steps like other dances tend to be.  And Organic Tango is not just steps or moments.  The best organic tango is an entire tanda with an organic embrace, which I call the "docking station embrace."  I feel as if I am floating in space but at the same time I feel I am home and safe in my partner's arms.  This happens all the time, but I am at a loss to describe it.  A few examples of the hights of these moments are empirical examples that something special was happening, abstractions of the larger painting.

So from my spiral notebook, which I only have started, I have these moments (listed below).  My hope is that a few tangueras will remind me of some holy moment / organic moment / nirvana nanosecond / heaven-on-earth tanda with me (or talk with any man who understands organic-Sprache or will simply listen to you.) 

Organic tango is good for you and the environment. And like the other types: It takes two. 


My Organic Tango ListHelp me with my list, ladies!

• Ochos atrás y caminando de Alicia (México)
• Cuñita ganchos de Alicia
• La sentada de Alicia
• 3 contra 6  Vals de Alicia
• Lápiz con enganche de Janet (Austin) and many more
• Círculo del Reloj de Daniela Acuri (Buenos Aires)
• Círculo cruzado hacia la derecha de Katrina D. (Austin)…
• …y traducción de Johanna (Los Ángels)
• Decrcendo [term from music/Latin] de Sara W. (Santa Bárbara)
• Pausa de Wanda/Johanna/Sara W. (tangueras de California)
• La Milonga-Péndelo de Mari (Austin)
• Multi-ritmos molinete de Dayna (Austin)
• Pivot de Bentlye (Austin) [Just this Friday at Uptown]
• Docking Station Embrace: Christina (Alemania); Tatyana and Irina (Rusia); Alicia (México); Kay and Pat (Austin)
• Docking Station Embrace teachers: Daniela Acuri (BsAs) / Phyllis Williams (Dallas)
• Hand melting in mine:  Teresa M. (Cuba); Mari (Austin)
• Dynamic breathing: Alessandra (Austin)
  
  From Sunday night’s práctica in Austin:
• Sacada doble y vuelta suave de Katarina D. y…
• Milonga contra-ritmos de Sara M. (Austin)

*Organic Tango:  After finishing this article, I did an Internet search on "organic tango."  Others have defined "organic tango" and we are on the same wave length.  Both of us agree on taking away the Tarzan mentality from tango -- "Me lead, you follow.")  Go to http://www.organictangosf.info/organic.htm for a great definition.

Women DO lead

Women
do
lead. 

Evolving away from the Tarzan-Effect





But how do women lead?


They lead the way to new dance ideas.  Sometimes by just pausing and allowing four possibilities rather than the one they learned.  A tanguera is like a guide, leading me by giving me possibilities I never had considered.  She opens the gate, and says, "Hey, Mark, here are four paths.  Most men go down this path, but here are three other paths."  Now, I decide to take path number three.  Later, I tell her that I have never done that before, and add:  "You inspired me."  She says "thanks," and adds, "You are a great lead."  What?  Who was leading whom?  If nothing else, we were co-discoverers on this journey that neither of us had ever made.  But it was her LEAD that allowed me to take the road less traveled.


The problem here is the word "lead."  Some leaders push or pull others along.  Perhaps that was the man's role when tango began.  The concept of leadership has evolved, yes, but in many ways nothing is really new.  History is replete with leaders that did not push or pull.


 The Santa Mónica International Tango Holiday (SMITH) gave me further insight into tango not as a "men-talk-women-listen dance" but a "men-speak-with-an-accent" dance.  In other words, I only speak without an accent when I dance alone.  I speak through a woman, and she can make my thoughts sound eloquent or dull; French or Spanish.  But I must be careful to say here that she is not my interpreter, she is like an interpreter, but much more.  She LED me to say it, I said it, and then she put her own accent on it.  Of course, this may be what she is experiencing too; so the analogies only come close to describe what I think is going on.  Whatever the case, I firmly believe that tango is more sophisticated than the Tarzan-Effect: "Me talk; you listen." 


Perhaps all my thoughts on women and leading in one sentence should be:  "He leads; she follows" because the phrase "women do lead" can be misunderstood too.  I don't want to create a monster.  I have danced with advanced dancers  who pull me into the next step she is thinking I will do.  I didn't say that, and the music didn't say it either.  Leading in this way is not allowing me to speak in her dialect; she has put words in my mouth and reiterated what a teacher taught without regard to the moment and the music.

Tango can be a soliloquy or monologue for two.  However, for those who have experienced a tango conversation, "women do lead" will make a lot of sense.  My hope is that men start recognizing the women who inspire them to do something that is not in their cookie-cutter vocabulary that they have learned, but something that was truly the making of great poetry of two people speaking a unique language that no other couple in the world can speak.  That, mis compañeros de tango, is the beauty of tango.


Trailer on next article for women-inspired tango:
In the next article, I will attempt to reconstruct some of the steps that women and the music have inspired while dancing.  Their dialect and these moments still influence the way I now "talk."  Here is an index of inspirations that I will mention just some my most wonderful tangueras:

De Alicia (México):

• Ochos atrás y caminando
• Cuñita ganchos
• La sentada 
• (Y mucho, mucho mas de Alicia)
• Lápiz con enganche de Janet (Austin)
• Círculo del Reloj de Daniela Acuri (Buenos Aires)
• Círculo cruzado hacia la derecha de Katrina D. (Austin)…
• …y traducción de Johanna (Los Ángels)
• Decrcendo [term from music] de Sara W. (Santa Bárbara)
• Pausa de Wanda/Johanna/Sara W. (de California)
• El Milonga-Péndelo de Mari (Austin)
• Multi-ritmos molinete de Dayna (Austin).
• Docking Station Embrace: Christina (Alemania); Tatyana (Rusia); Alicia (México) and teachers Daniela Acuri (BsAs) / Phyllis (Dallas)

Hot off the press just from last night’s práctica in Austin:

• Sacada doble y vuelta suave de Katarina D. y…
• Milonga contra-ritmos de Sara M. (la de Austin)

¡Hasta la próxima!  Or as we say in Tejas: "See ya in a bit"!

Tango: Speaking in her Accent

Tango-Akzent


Near the border of France
I enter a milonga in Saarbrücken.
She is French,
We speak in German.
But our mutual language is tango.

The music starts.
Our embrace, melds two hearts,
Two cultures.
And like tango, a dance of immigrants,
Our souls transmigrate to a place we both have never been.
Our movements interpret a tango both familiar and new.


My feet had spoken this same tango in my kitchen two days before.
But now I speak with a strong French accent, her accent,
Her way of making what I say different.
New to me, new to her.

Now I lead her down a familiar path,

But she opens a gate to a new place.

I see a French garden with a fountain.

I have never been to this place.

Neither has she,

Although I was sure it was her favorite place.

I speak with the accent of each tanguera I hold.

The magic of tango is the moment I am no longer just me.

Green Tango: Is your tango sustainable?

Is your tango sustainable?

"Green-Tango," is taking care of yourself and having a tango community that will last.  "Red-Tango" is a live-for-the-moment tango whether for oneself, for just one couple dancing dangerously or even a community which does not concern itself with being sustainable.  That's red.  What's green?  Sustainable, lifetime enjoyment of the pure enjoyment of tango.

Shoes for Green-Tango
Tango shoes for women can cripple a woman over time.  That's their choice, but not all are going to play that game.  Green-Tango is devoted to comfortable shoes for women, who presently are harming their feet and bodies (with the shoes I so adore).

Immune-System Green-Tango
Tango is usually at night and lasts late into the night.  Does it always have to be that way?  Green tango communities have at least some milongas that are early.  Just sometimes we need to get a good sleep, necessary for healthy bodies which we need to dance tango in our 90's and beyond.  A person who does not sleep enough is hurting many things, but the most important is their immune system.

Safety is social, and social is green: 
Green is old, old tango culture, and it is too often forgotten with new generations, who focus on the thrill of cool moves and the nightlife, but safety is a philosophic pillar of Green-Tango.  A code of ethics of safe dancing is a necessary part of a green tango community.  Sorry, O Thou Tango Teacher, but all that energy spent on teaching volcadas, and every other kind of "-ada" needs at least a 10% tithe to the danger of such things -- especially to the most common victims:  Women, their backs, their bare legs and their exposed feet.

Green Ears
Music that is not at ear level to blast in one's ear on one side of the room.  I always wore hearing protection as a professional drummer.  Always.  Many of my musician friends now have serious hearing loss.  Yes, there is Green Music and Red Music.  The Red Musicians eventually become the No Music musicians.

Green Tango is part of evolution
Old stuff and new stuff together.  Sustainable tango is the dance you dance all of your life because you can.

Rejection: Solutions 7 & 8

This is the last of a series on dealing with rejection.  The assumption from the start was that tango gives its own special challenges for rejection for both men and women.   Tango is not to blame.  Rather, feelings of rejection in tango are probably latent and unresolved  rejections from early in life.  It's like going back to "middle school" all over again.  So now with new maturity and eight different solutions to rejection, I hope now that anyone reading this will get a sense of how wonderful it is when a person finds mature solutions rather than just giving up on tango and the challenge to grow psychologically and spiritually.

Since this is the last of the series, let's review in just a few words all the solutions so far.  Then we'll expand the new territory,  Solutions 7  (dance-to-the-music) & 8 (dance in the kitchen).

All Eight Solutions for Rejection


1. The "I-will-get-better" Solution.  Maybe I am rejected now by better dancers, but eventually not.  Here is the link.

2. The "Just-Ask" Solution.  A risky solution, but one can ask the person who has systematically rejected us.  (NOT to be used on the same evening or after a few rejections.)  Here is the link.

3. The Military Solution.  One stuffs feelings and is actively seeking to dance with others as a way to avoid a downward spiral into self-pity.  Here is the link.

4. The tango walk by oneself Solution.  Bi-lateral stimulation of a graceful walk has the brain finding solutions and resolution to problem.  Here is the link.

5. The embrace Solution + Solution 4.  Now bi-lateral stimulation to the brain through the walk is added with an empathetic embrace. Here is the link.

6. The tango community Solution.  The community, same-sex friends, couple friendships helps us through seasons or moments of rejection.  (This one is problematic if the community is unfriendly. Come to Austin.)  Here is the link.

And finally, 7 & 8.

SOLUTION SEVEN is the dance-to-the-music solution. 

As with other solutions, each solution (except 4 & 8) may be the central problem.  If one allows the music to drive you to move, then it is more likely to be a solution.  Until you get to that place, music may be the very thing that causes fear of rejection or is tied with love that was lost.  But for now let's focus on the power of music to overcome rejection. 

I used to feel nervous with certain women because they were tango teachers, or critical out loud in some way, or just by the way they approached the dance with a "show-me-what-you-got Mister" look.  For the performance-oriented women (or my fear of them), I use this dance-to-the-music solution.  It is sadly a common experience to run into a woman who is unkind, or clearly indicates that she expects me to prove myself.

Sangrona

The first time I used the dance-to-the-music solution was in Denver.  La sangrona  was wearing a beautiful dress.  We did not know each other, and both were taking a risk.  Unlike the men in  her tribe, I must have held her two tightly.  She over-reacted to me from the first moment I touched her, as if I had pulled down her dress or something horrible. She could have politely said that she prefers to be held lightly. Each person likes the hold differently, and in Buenos Aires, there are certainly good leads who hold more firmly. But instead of stating her preference, she was aggressive with me.

Querido Tanguero/Querida Tanguera, you cannot expect even the best dancers to understand the culture of tango, or even to have good social skills!  Two excellent tangueras latinas have told me once that my light hold on them was not a true embrace.  Each woman is different, but the latinas were nice about telling me their preference.  One was my tango coach, and she told me that right after I came back from Denver! 
 
Last but certainly not least...

SOLUTION EIGHT:  Dance by yourself in your kitchen.

As a therapist, I suggest to the men who return from combat only to find that their wife/girlfriend has abandoned them, that they learn to take care of themselves before getting into a new relationship.  "Dancing in the kitchen" is what I suggest, along with fixing themselves a good meal with candlelight.  After I suggested this for the first time a while back, I started doing it myself, and it is wonderful.  I also write in a journal at dinner.  Tango music in the background with wine.  ¡Maravilloso!

I find myself so refreshed and learn so many concepts while practicing by myself.  "The kitchen" means simply at home on a non-carpeted floor.  With solution eight, all of the other solutions come into being, except Solution 2, which, you'll remember, is risky and perhaps totally unnecessary if you are working the other solutions into your life.  Some will ask about Solution 5, the embrace.  Well, querida tanguera, you are are embracing yourself -- something worth doing because you are so incredible as I imagine you dancing with yourself in your kitchen with a glass of red wine from the vineyards of Argentina your hand.

Rejection?  By now it is being rejected from your life.  Welcome to what tango is all about. 

Rejection: SOLUTION SIX

This is the fourth of a series on dealing with rejection using tango to grow psychologically and reduce the drop-out rate when rejection/drama turns a person away from the beauty of tango.

Solution six may be the most powerful of all eight solutions. It is the Tango Community.

La Communidad de Tango exists better with your positive input, but it lives with you or without you. The concept of community is like gravity, which pervades everything you do, but you don't give it much thought. You don't say, "well that volcada would have been weird in outer space." Or, "that sacada on the moon, would be outrageously fun."

If the community is as powerful and as unnoticed as gravity, take some time to notice it. I once went on a medical mission to eradicate tuberculosis in Haiti. That is when I realized how important a strong community is.  Without a strong community, one can be hurt on the street, and there may not be any paved streets for an ambulance to come to one's aid. For that matter, there may not be any ambulances or sanitary hospitals -- sadly even more the case right now than when I was in Haiti after finishing graduate school.


A healthy tango community rivals, in my experience, the best of any church community I have ever experienced: Sometimes there's a place to stay at total stranger's home; a warm welcome and trusting embrace in France or Denver or Houston or Portland; a shared joy that is sophisticated but childlike. What a wonderful balance in the tango community.

After the first reflection on Solutions 1-3 on rejection, I received an email from a wonderful dancer and good looking young woman I had met at a few out-of-town tango festival milongas. She surprised me with an email about feeling rejected, sitting out too much and feeling terrible.  She wondered if she would give up tango altogether. I told her about SOLUTION 4, 5 and 6. However, she found number six to be the most powerful solution for her situation.  She gave me permission to share her experience: 

"Mark, I tried the solution six at the yesterday’s milonga. It was amazing. I concentrated on being thankful that I am in the great community of very kind and intelligent people. I sat down in a chair and relaxed. Then, I danced non-stop for two and a half hours. There were not many people there because most everyone in town went to a nearby tango festival. But I danced, danced and danced. And I enjoyed it a lot. I even introduced myself to an older couple. They danced a bit and mostly watched. When I was leaving they told me how much they enjoyed watching me dance. I was touched. . . .Thank you for your help. I knew something would happen and I would not quit tango."

Also, she realized how she was not doing what others had done for her.  Many had danced down to her level when she was a beginner, and now it was time to give back. Since implementing Solution Six, I have seen her a few times dance and have danced with her.  She so fully gives herself to the dance, the music and her partner -- over and over -- an does this with beginners too! 

An Important Aside
Surely there are people with whom we all do not want to dance.  Some women actually hurt my right ankle because they pull away or have poor balance. If a woman has an embrace phobia, I won't be coming her way very often. If a woman dances for herself or is watching who is entering the room, I will not be dancing with her for quite a while.  But beginners need a community effort to bring them into this wonderful thing, called "tango."

The Overdose of Medicine
The tango community can be salutary -- medicine for the soul.  However, rejection can be caused by the community; so the over-all Solution is not in just one thing. That is why there are many different Solutions.  Ever hear of "shunning in Seattle"?  Maybe the reputation is not fair.  But whatever the case, not all tango communities are equal.

"Men have it easy"
How maddening to sit there wanting to dance, ladies! Feelings of rejection ooze from some tables.  Earlier reflections have dealt with this subject of what a lady can do to dance more. Here, I just want to say that men do not have it easy when it comes to rejection.  Sure, I dance all night.  No rejection?  Really?  The main reason that men stop dancing, I believe is because of rejection.  They may be dancing, but their partners may never really have given themselves over to the dance, the music, the community or to him.  It feels terrible to be holding a woman who exudes rejection.  (Solution 7 will address the partner who is rejecting you while dancing.) 

A buffer for rejection (for guys part I) 
Tango has its pluses.  Learn the cabeceo (not asking but using one's eyes and a nod of the head -- coming from the word "cabeza" or "head").  Women will think you have it easy just because you are dancing.  You may feel the girl-talk on the side burning you ears about who can and who can't lead.  I heard it all through informants, and although it hurt, I learned what path I must take:  It is one of humility, hard work (lessons/practice) and lots of dancing with people at or below your own level.  Eventually, I started getting compliments and even a few informants (female spies), who have helped me know what a lady wants.  What we men need is something like Cosmopolitan Magazine which reveals all the secrets of how to please women.  Or you can just go to the many tanguera blogs, especially my esteemed Austin tango blogista, Mari.


Mark's Rule of Seven (for guys part II)In the world of Salsa, the cabeco is unknown.   I used to ask for dances in El Paso as the only white guy in the club. I had a "limit" of asking SEVEN WOMEN before I would sit down and stop asking for any ONE song.  Use the cabeco!  Seven woman looking away does not take much time, and your ego will be spared major trauma.  In the my Rule of Seven, mostly I gave up because the song would be over soon.  I just kept asking because the music was driving me mad, and I had to dance.  I had no choice but to ask.  The good news is that eventually, I was dancing non-stop.  The Latinas knew that I would turn them efficiently without hurting them, that I danced musically and that I was dancing with them without expecting "special benefits."  Lastly, I had one advantage that the Latinos never seemed to understand.  I never looked around for my next partner while dancing.  These are tango basics too: Don't hurt her; dance the music not the steps you just learned; leave your passion on the dance floor; and be present with her until you escort her off the floor.  Eventually, the El Paso salsa community accepted me.  I was dancing just as much as before, but the rejection stopped, once Solution Six was fully implemented.
 

Part A and Part B of Solution Six
So there are two parts.  Part A is to appreciate the community, helping it grow and share.  Part B is slowly to build trust so that the community appreciates you.  Interestingly, being accepted may have less to do with the opposite sex.  This is true of the tango community and is especially true in the salsa community.  Once the men were shaking my hand and embracing me in El Paso, the Latinas accepted me as a part of their community.  Men who are a menace on the dance floor will never be fully accepted by other men in any dance community.

Querida tanguera/Querido tanguero:  You will know when you arrive in the tango community.  You will start appreciating the friendships and the hard work of organizers, teachers and DJs.  You will feel it in the embrace of men and women in the community.  You will know that your heart has grown to make room for something very wonderful.

The Older Woman

The Older Woman

I knew she gave herself fully to the best tangueros.
I watched in awe of her animated femininity.
So far ahead, she was, from my level of dancing.
But then one evening she made it clear
With her eyes and a upward whip of her gaze
That I should escort her to the dance floor.

My body and hands vibrated the frequency
  of not being sure of myself.

She embraced me and said in a whisper:
"Listen only to the music. I have watched you do this.
Hold me until you can feel my heart beat with that rhythm.
Then we will walk as one, impelled by the music to move."

She melted into me; I could feel my heart slowing to hers.
And the music took away the need to impress her
Because we both stood in awe of the music together.
Our breathing became one,
Our walk came as if from one heart.

Between songs we shifted deeper into the embrace
That evening she gave me the gift, though I was not worthy of it.
Though ten years younger than I,
She was my "older woman," mi milonguera.
Tango had found her a decade before it had found me.

She showed me the gift.
The way to make tango to a woman.




To better understand "the gift," I recommend that you read this: http://sallycatway.com/?p=2537  

Next:  Solution Six for rejection, tomorrow!

Pneuma-Tango: Solution Number Five

Pneuma-Tango: Solution Number Five
The third installment on the theme of solutions to rejection. See earlier solutions 1-4.


Solution Five for rejection is a walking embrace. I knew from my own experiences that graceful walking was powerful for helping the brain find solutions. Nearly every human being has experienced finding resolutions on a plain ol’ walk. A graceful, purposeful walk is even stronger (solution 4). Now add the embrace to this, as it is done in traditional Argentine tango and now you have, I believe, the essence of why tango by mistake is something that can have remarkable therapeutic power. The embrace by itself keeps us alive. Without a caring embrace babies die or languish, and old people have higher rates of illnesses--as has been documented extensively in health care literature and research.


Recently, I went to a grave side service for a 21 year-old man who died on his way to spend Easter with his parents. I stood in line to greet them. The way that I and everyone before me expressed themselves was with an embrace. Why is an embrace so powerfully expressive?


Tango is a walking embrace full of uncharted power!  I am convinced bi-lateral stimulation (graceful walking) and a simultaneous embrace enables the brain to find resolution from emotional pain or simply to find answers to difficult questions confronting us.


When I started this series on “solutions,” I focused on rejection as a single psychological obstacle for tangueros/tangueras. The “solutions” now are much bigger than rejection or any one psychological theme (rejection, bereavement, jealousy, hate). And the idea of tango-as-therapy (self-care) is far more powerful than I realized since starting this project. I have given examples before, but now people who have read my reflections are telling me their experiences too.


Let me give an example. At a tango festival recently, I found a tanguera friend from Boston who told me about a recent break-up and rejection. I told her about my training as an EMDR therapist and then my recent discoveries with bi-lateral stimulation in a tango walk. I explained how a graceful tango (contra-body) walk affects the brain just like traditional EMDR techniques. We were at a park some hours before the milonga. I had her bring up the most hurtful moment of her recent break-up. I held her in a traditional tango embrace and right there in the park we only did weight changes because of the bike traffic on the path. In a remarkably short time (under 5 minutes) her hurt was so resolved that when her ex-boy friend unexpectedly ARRIVED at the festival, she felt no jealousy, no hurt, no pain as she had just days before when she saw him at milongas in Boston. If I had not seen this happen, I doubt that I would fully believe such an account of resolution in five minutes.  I cannot expect that emotional hurts can dissolve so easily as hers did, but in some ways I am not surprised either because I have seen EMDR quickly and effectively treat horrific traumas/tragedies that combat vets have experienced.*


A friend recently wrote me after I told her about my reflections on the walking embrace that I was about to write. Her story also confirms Solution Five (although this is about bereavement). She gave me permission to share this:


“Recently I spent my father’s last six weeks by his side in another state. At my first milonga after his death, a fellow dancer asked me why he had not seen me for such a long time. I started to explain, but then teared up and could not go on. His response was to open his arms, envelop me in a tender embrace, and move us into the line of dance. As we circled the room I quieted down and my sadness melted away. By the time we came to a stop I was at peace. I said thank you and we parted. This was the first time I had experienced the power of tango to soothe, and I remain profoundly grateful to my dancing partner for his moving gesture.”


So what shall we call the power of two people in embrace, walking gracefully? I have called it tango therapy, but “therapy” is inadequate. However, I have no better word. I would prefer to call this phenomenon “Pneuma-Tango,” using a Greek term.  The Greeks felt that invisible, powerful wind (pneuma) that moved ships was the same “wind/spirit” that comes in and out of the lungs of a living soul. Wind, spirit, ghost are terms all described by one word in the original Greek of the New Testament, including the Holy Pneuma.


So if we were to think of Pneuma-Tango as a combination of the life-giving essence—breathing as one, moving as one, embracing as one—then we might better estimate the power of this little-understood phenomenon. Pneuma-tango is something that countless tango dancers have experienced. How sad that many tango dancers have tended to mistake the powerful sensations as something less than spiritual, such as fun, sensual, or like falling in love.


Pneuma-Tango has the thrill of anything that is fun, but the joy is deeper than amusement. Tango provides a similar physical joy (eros), but it happens without overt arousal. It feels like love (agape), but without the bonding as one experiences while truly in love. Moreover, I believe it innately helps us to resolve our hurts and find more adaptive solutions to obstacles in our lives.


Let me give one final example of Solution Five: Just a week ago, a tanguera told me the company she worked for had folded. No job. Three children. She was not distressed. However, I told her about Solution Five. We went to an empty studio after a milonga and we breathed as one, and walked as one in embrace. By the third time we walked and stopped for a moment, her mind was so full of ideas that her face turned red with joy, miming that she needed to write, needed to write! (At the time I did not think about it, but losing one’s job is a subset of rejection.)


You do not have to be a therapist or have a therapist to experience Pneuma-tango. But it will help if you allow a different paradigm to inform yourself about what tango really creates in your heart and mind. Is it really just fun? Just another sensual pattern dance like rumba? Is it just a nice hobby? Maybe it’s just plain addicting? I would posit that tango is a much more powerful thing than any of us ever realized. My hope is to do research on these discoveries that we all are making at every milonga we go to. I would love to hear your stories.
I wish you lots of Pnuematic-Tango, mis compañeros de tango!



*Note about therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is separate from what I have called here Pneuma-Tango. Tango is a type of self-care and a natural way to find solutions and not “therapy” in the medical sense but in the spiritual sense. I fully endorse having a skilled therapist for serious distress. I especially endorse EMDR as a therapy modality with a qualified EMDR therapist—because it works like tango! If you find yourself sobbing at a milonga and do not know why, I think I do: You need a guide because you are “flooding” from the bi-lateral stimulation of the tango walk. Seek an EMDR therapist to guide you out of your stuck part. Not resolving the problem with emotional “flooding” could have you avoiding tango after a while.

Coming soon: Solution 7 (music); Solution 8 (the tango community). The theme is still rejection.

Rejection: SOLUTION FOUR

Soul-Work through Tango Therapy


Earlier, we looked a 3 solutions to get through and over rejection as a tango dancer (and in life).  The next few solutions are surprisingly effective and  are higher-level solutions.  SOLUTION Four for rejection is all about working alone, using tango in a way that finds remarkable resolution to feelings of rejection and other negative thoughts. 

SOLUTION Four is called in the psychological community "bi-lateral stimulation," which positively influences the brain to access memories.  Bi-lateral stimulation has also been found in other cultures.  The Zulu Tribe has a left-right stamping dance that they use with warriors to deal with psychological trauma. [The tanguera pictured here has the right idea.  However, I suggest comfortable shoes and clothes that will help you NOT attract a partner!  SOLUTION Four is tango for one.]

My plan was to write about connections with the type of therapy that uses bi-lateral stimulation used in the West, called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.  I use EMDR nearly daily with combat vets.  This therapy is so effective that it inspires me and has me joyously going to work in this normally "burn-out" job, working with PTSD. 


Explaining bi-lateral stimulation in depth is too complex for a blog.  Suffice it to say, that when one has a physical activity that goes clearly from the right hand/left hand or right leg/left leg, to the right with one's eyes and then left, this actually has been proven to help a person access memories around a negative event that allows one to come to better cognitive solutions to problems.  NO WONDER that people feel that tango is "addictive"!  Tango is a complex group of good things happening (music, friends, touch, and movement). 


So SOLUTION Four is bi-lateral stimulation, and it partially accounts for why going out to dance feels so very good for you after a hard day.  Most people do not discover Four on their own because the other things (music, friends, touch) get in the way.  But these powerful things (music, friends, touch) can also become paired stimuli to rejection, or any of these elements can amplify rejection. SOLUTION Four focuses only on you and your brain:  Soul Work.


Sometimes simplicity is necessary and being alone is at times necessary to find good solutions.  A tango walk is powerful for this.  Buddhists have walking meditations.  St. Paul found Christ on a walk to to Damascus and St Luke gives an account of two other disciples finding themselves conversing with the resurrected Jesus on a walk to Emmaus.  When they figured out who he was he disappeared from their sight.  Now that is a tango walk!  Authors and artists are known to have had their best ideas out on a walk.  What about you?  Have you discovered the power of a graceful, tango walk?

Let's review the lesser evolved solutions:

• Solution one was to realize that the person who reject you may one day wish he/she hadn't.
• Solution two was to ask the person (a risky but sometimes effective way to better oneself).
• Solution three was called the "military solution" because it focused on just stuffing one's feelings and getting out there to dance with friends, enjoy the music and "get over it."  Although less evolved, it is by far the most used solution.

For SOLUTION Four to work better, walking gracefully with your torso moving in what tangueros called "contra-body" walking is very important for brainwave lateralization. Just walking will not be as effective. Collecting is also very important because it helps the mind to experience bi-lateral stimulation.


I will give two personal examples of using SOLUTION Four -- a walk by myself:  As I started writing this reflection, I celebrated my birthday alone on March 21st.  I got lots of care and love from the tango community, but I did not get a single call from my family or my young children who live in Germany. I was doing just fine with this -- or so I thought, but I wanted to use this theme of rejection and practise SOLUTION Four to give me new insights about this idea.  As I walked, I found my thoughts flooding with negative events concerning my birthday and how my children are either blocked from contacting me or not helped to remember me.  I realized that when I use EMDR as a therapist, I stop to help the combat vet process the flood of thoughts. One of the major mistakes of new EMDR therapists is they stop and talk too much. So I like the tango analogy.  Take only short pauses to think. Stop only for a moment to chat with yourself.  This is a pause in your dance, not the "cortinas." The outcome of my walk was fantastic. 

As I walked my tango walk, I started to remember how my boys' mother never reminds them about Father's Day since our divorce.  She often didn't remind them even when we were married. Since our divorce, I have bought the children flowers to give to their mother for her birthday, but she will not reciprocate.  You probably can imagine that I have a lot of history with rejection with two small boys growing up (they are still pretty young -- 11 and 16).  Anyway, as I walked the memories pored down. As with therapy with PTSD with combat vets, it got ugly before it got better:  Feelings of rejection, anger.  But then the solution started to emerge:  I became deeply aware that my children love me.  I also realized that many people who truly love me may forget my birthday, and I forget theirs.  True, I intellectually knew this before (military solution), but my "inner child" felt the solution at the deepest level: I am loved. I can forgive.


Let me give you a second example, but first a little explanation about bi-lateral stimulation and the brain: 


Your brain while focusing on a Negative Cognition about self (proven through brain scans) will show way too much activity in the limbic part of your brain and the right side. Bi-lateral stimulation with a graceful tango walk will begin helping your brain to lateralize the thoughts to other parts of your brain, especially the left prefrontal cortex which has not been fully activated as with other rejections you feel are "resolved" enough to no longer bother you.  When there is too little left brain activity, a brain scan would probably reveal why one often is immersed in one's own inner world of hurt -- the left brain is "silent."

Okay, now another example of SOLUTION Four:  This January, I had my very first experience with a therapeutic tango walk with rejection.  I was really hurt after dancing with a woman at the Houston Tango Festival. We spoke Spanish to one another briefly. Helena simply said after the first dance, "Gracias," and then she left the floor with me standing there like a fool! Did I hold her too tight? Did I remind her of her weird uncle, Flaco? Did I have the breath of a horse?  I will never know.

I saw her later. She was dancing an Argentinean folk dance with such joy. I realized that she was a great dancer. That hurt even more. Middle School stuff of rejection set in. I could try to use SOLUTION ONE (get better so she'd feel sorry she rejection me) or SOLUTION TWO (ask her why) or solution three (just get over it). Yet, she will probably be on a higher level until I die (solution one), and it is just not cool to ask a stranger "why" without being pitiful (solution two). Solution three (just get over it) was not working either. I was stuck in Middle School Rejection in Houston.

SOLUTION Four in action:  Knowing what I know about Bi-Lateral Stimulation (BLS) as a therapist, I decided to try meditation and the power of a graceful tango walk out in a park in Houston. I was feeling like I was not that good of a dancer although I have worked so hard at it.  The SOLUTION was immediate:  Only after walking less than a minute, I was totally free. I told myself, "It feels so good to be able to be mature enough to allow a woman to walk away if she feels uncomfortable without becoming angered, hurt and resentful. I am totally okay with this." I laughed. I was free.  I still am.
I have written a lot more on this theme, using an advanced protocol of EMDR, but it is too involved for a blog.  For simple rejection (one person, one event), the solution is in a graceful, meditative walk while pondering the hurtful event. However, if you have something more complex, the full SOLUTION Four is NOT just going out on a walk and kind of thinking about moments of rejection or psychological hurts. There is an important protocol to follow which has proven effective results as used to help rape victims and others who have faced physical trauma and tragic events.  For more complex hurts, I suggest a guide to avoid going deeper into hurt and not finding your way out of a sticky depression.


For simple rejection, however, please give solution a fair trail.  You should not believe me. Try finding a hurtful rejection in your past, and through a graceful tango walk, go out and try SOLUTION Four.  I am convinced that you will experience some resolution that perhaps has lingered for years.  I would love to hear what happens.  Send me a message at mark.word1@gmail.com.


Preview:  Solutions 5-7 are shorter (I promise) but also very powerful.  I have shared them with a few people, and now I have testimonies to their "solution power." 

Tango as Therapy for Rejection

I once believed that the social environment of a milonga was similar to going back to middle school.  I no longer believe this.  The difference now is that I believe that we can work out some of the things that we didn't when we were in our early development years.


Feeling rejection is in some ways very good.  The inner child is there, speaking up and saying, "What about me?"  A masculine man may not even listen to this inner child, but at the same time his feeling of rejection can lead to aggressive behavior.  So being aware of this "inner child" is very important.


Rejection is a huge psychological subject.  Some rejection will never go away.  Some rejection can be easily fixed, which I will call "logistical rejection."  The logistical solution is easier than the psychological one.  So let's address the easier topic first: 


Some people won't ever dance with you, and it has nothing to do with you.  If you are a beginner there will be a day that you have too many friends to dance with and you will be forced to reject someone new.  So the beginner or new person in a community must go back to the "logistical basics" in order to get a dance:  Be pleasant.  Dress well.  Learn to dance well.  Meet people at your level in classes. Dance a lot.  Be patient!


Logistical questions aside, now we have the psychological and spiritual questions which are much harder.  You would think that we already worked out issues of rejection, but really it is a life-long spiritual path we are on.  Growing up takes a lifetime. 


I made a huge jump out of my middle school mentality recently, but I think it was because of many stair steps of trying to grow up psychologically with the help of a very wonderful tango community in Austin, Texas, full of caring human beings.  I will tell you about incidences of rejection in each of the several SOLUTIONS that follow. 


SOLUTION ONE:  The "One-Day-She'll-be-Sorry" method:  I can say, "One day I will be better and she will wish that she could dance with me!"  That is a pretty good defense mechanism to deal with the rejection, but really have I grown up when using solution one?  Am I still in middle school?  What if I don't get better or even more likely, we both get better?  I do not want to be unforgiving as a person; so this option is not very spiritually evolved.  Lori in Germany danced with me once after I had been dancing for less than 4 months.  I just came to see my boys in Germany, and I thought I was pretty darn good at tango -- at least as a beginner.  I was fairly ignorant about not only dancing but the conventions ("codicos") of tango.  Well, after our one dance, she never looked at me again.  Others were gracious.  Eventually -- two years later -- she looked at me with the clear desire to dance.  My SOLUTION ONE was to pretend that I didn't see her gaze, so she would feel sorry that she rejected me.  But I just had grown up a bit.  I was delighted that a woman at her level was nodding at me without me even trying.
 
SOLUTION TWO:  The Ask Her Method:  I could ask a lady why she never even looks at me for a cabeceo, but the truth could be hurtful or put her in a bad place to lie for my own good.  If I am struggling with a case of my own middle school mentality this "solution" could be dangerous because the truth could devastate me.  On the other hand, if I accept that adults have the right to pick their friends and it is all about THEM and not about ME, then asking is not dangerous.  Although I do not suggest it, I have effectively used the SOLUTION TWO/Ask Her Method.  I asked an advanced tanguera in Austin in an email "why" once. I regretted hitting the send button.  However, I was surprised of how Sheila responded with, "please call me and we'll talk." This could have gone bad. But she explained in a long telephone conversation that she had a limited list of people with whom she dances.  After all she has been dancing for a long time. Many were not good dancers but friends. So it had nothing to do with me or my level of ability. She also commented on how she had danced with me and it was at that time not so comfortable.


A few weeks later, SHE asked ME at a practica.  Our dance was very healing for me. I do not have to ask her again, although I have once. It was enough that she gave me a chance. What I learned from Sheila:  Both men and women have a list and being a good dancer is not a prerequisite to be on this list. I dance with friends first, then guests. The "why" may have nothing to do with the woman's level or her femininity. Tangueros and tangueras all have friends they dance with first or even more than one tanda. The night is not long enough to keep adding new people to your list.


SOLUTION THREE:  The Military Method (don't ask/don't tell/don't think so much):  This method requires numbing our feelings (required in combat); so it's name is very appropriate.  This tactical approach does work but also has problems to it.  The Military Method is the easiest and best solution that allows life to heal your moments of rejection.  If a middle-school moment happens and we experience rejection, go find a new friend or just be patient while you find friends.  Life heals.

Many people effectively use the Military Method.  The self-talk goes like this:  Get over it!  You are not in middle school!  Graduate!  Grow up! Forgive and forget!  Don't be so damned sensitive!  Or to your "inner child":  Stop being a cry-baby!  The Military Solution will work to help you get out there and just dance.  But can you really ORDER yourself to take away the hurtful twinge of rejection, which leaves you perhaps even more sensitive or even aggressive later?  You have been pretty hard on the "inner child" or the hurt pre-teen inside your heart.


SOLUTION FOUR is tango itself (movement).  Tango will be the most effective solution when practiced and understood as a solution. 


Next article:
PREVIEW
SOLUTION FOUR for Rejection:
Soul-Work through Tango Therapy


Solution four is really a SOULution.  If you are hurt, demotivated and rejected at a milonga, you now have the chance to graduate from middle school!  I am suggesting that tango itself (by yourself) can help you deal with the unresolved "stuff" from your teen years -- rejection, self-esteem, body concept issues, bullying, etc.  One can do this with another caring person in tango, but this soul-work is best done alone and without prescribed dance steps -- boleos here, volcadas there.  The solution is in a graceful, meditative walk while pondering the hurtful event.  It is NOT just going out on a walk and kind of thinking about this.  There is an important protocol to follow which has proven effective results as used to help rape victims and others who have faced physical trauma and tragic events. 


This is powerful stuff.  You should not believe me.  Instead, I will give you a task that will prove how powerful this is....


To be continued in April.

"Dance like no one is watching"

The advice to dance as if no one were watching works for shy people and extroverted showoffs as well.

If you are shy, worrying about what people think, will take away from your focus on your partner and the joy that you could be having by dancing only to the music.  Sure, you may enjoy the moment of communal joy with others on the dance floor, but my ideal is to dance among other as if no one were watching.  Two hearts are moving in harmony and remaining centered on each other.

If you love putting on a show, I believe these words of advice are especially for you.  I am not pointing any fingers. I am both shy and have elements of loving to be on stage (the youngest of 7).  I have played in front of thousands as a musician. 

BUT TANGO has changed me.  When I first started out, I almost immediately was enjoying praise at dance parties with Alicia, my tango coach in El Paso.  (This does not mean I was any good.)  But then one day, I realized that the only person who mattered was my partner.  Worrying about others (or hoping they are watching) takes away from what is important.  I learned this in Austin with Stephen and Mardi Shortancy more than anyone else.

I started dancing like no one was watching.  And I wanted it to be my standard.

Shortly thereafter, a woman who had seen me dance told me after our first dance of the tanda, "I  wished I had known you dance like this... one can never tell if the person who looks good, feels good."  So true.  Many are drawn to tango for the way it looks, but only those who fall in love with the feel of tango stay with it.  Even teachers who focus on "looks" will burn out.  If you can teach someone to feel tango, then it is soul work, not feeding an insatiable ego interested on added on more impressive steps.  People like Austin's Alicia and Juan Carlos (from Buenos Aires) are like this.  They are so in love with each other and have worked for so many years teaching because of the feel of tango.

So my challenge is that you look at the people who have been doing tango for decades.  I think they know better than anyone how to dance like no one is watching.  In this video (Pocho and Nellie at El Beso), pay attention how Pocho often places Nellie's foot and has her lead through the music.  I think they are totally lost in the music and each other.  Others are watching but I don't think they are even aware in their moments together.

Sing as if no one is listening and dance as if no one is watching.  It's good for the soul.

The Red Card at the Milonga

I have three ideas that will certainly stop the mayhem on the milonga dance floor.  By "mayhem," I mean that people are routinely hurt from poor floorcraft at milongas.  Important hint:  floorcraft has nothing to do with witchcraft.  The last idea (solution three) is a time-tested method which is used in Buenos Aires.  See this link for a woman's view of mayhem:  http://mytangodiaries.blogspot.com/2010/03/surveying-damage-floorcraft-rant.html

Solution one:  The "Red Card Milonga."  In soccer if the referee gives you "the red card" you are out of the game.  I do NOT propose throwing people out of a milonga, but I fancy having merely a single "Red Card Milonga" a month.  Certain men would be sent special invitations.

Solution two:   The "Red Card Tanda."  How about a pre-milonga tanda that has different partners with every song? Men move forward two women between tangos. When there are bumps or bruises one stops and holds up a hand.  Red card.  Referees circulate quickly giving out yellow cards when both men hold up a hand and point at each other.  To keep the tanda full, no one is made to sit down. The song ends; each man moves forward two ladies. No tally is made but it become clear who is a champion tango-card collector.

The Green Card
Every man is green at tango for the first year.  So he should never be given a red or yellow card.  With one exception:  Red if he the injury he causes draws blood, yellow if a person injured screams/moans in pain from the pain the Green Man causes.

The Pink Card
It is fairly rare, but woman can be either accomplices or fully at fault for unnecessary pain on the dance floor.  The Pink Card, for example, can be "earned" by doing high boleos when a slight boleo was led.  

The White Polk-Dotted Card
This card is white with polka dots because of Bonnie and Clyde's white sedan with bullet holes.  (The polka dotts signify the homicidal feelings that are repressed about the pain caused.)  This is the only shared card.  Sharing is usually a thing God wants.  Not in this case.  I had a foot barely miss my FACE in Denver.  Whoa, Nelly.  Women are not puppets they don't even have to do that dangerous boleo or what-the-hell-is-that karate kick.  In some countries stilettos need a concealed weapon license.  (Not really, but that sounds good, doesn't it?)  Those stilettos can cause scars.  Did he really force your hand (or foot) on a tight dance floor?  The lady may unwittingly or wittingly become an accessory to the crime.  Thereafter a woman has the right to avoid a dancer who attempts to use her as his weapon of mass destruction.  Which brings us to the card that the person receives for causing the most mayhem of the night ...

The George W. Bush Card (also known as the WMD Card)

The Dancing WMD (weapon of mass destruction) deserves the infamous George Bush Card.  However unlike George W. Bush's hunt for WMD, these weapons are found at some milongas regularly.  Unlike Saddam Hussein, the tanguero who earns this card may actually be a nice guy.  Maybe he's the guy who has two kids.  Works hard.  Funny guy.  We all really like him.  We would not want to shame him publicly.  So we would never give out this shameful card, but at the end of the night he truly has earned the WMD Card -- often without even knowing it.  Look at what has happened:  He constantly bumped into others. 

• Mary Ann has the stigmata of stilettos making the mouth of sad face on her right calf. 
• Gerri left early because she felt bad about hurting Mary Ann. 
• A few guys have decided that this milonga is too tight and dangerous; so they will stop coming to that particular milonga. 
• The 6-month old tangero is giving up because he feels he failed to protect the lady.

The winner of the WMD Card is also one of the most talented dancers.  Yet, he has demotivated not only women but other men.  The new tanguero -- heck any tanguero -- may feel that he cannot protect his lady.  New tangueros may feel inadequate by the "great dancing" of the guy who hurt his lady.   Others know and like the showboat tanguero and put up with him.  Even on a no-injury night, he has disturbed others' magical moments of musical freedom and embrace.

The third solution: Let's call this solution, the ...

No-Fault Card Solution
The rule in Buenos Aires (although not always practiced well) is old-world civility at its best. The gentlemanly milongueros apologize even if they did not cause the accident.  They pull out the No-Fault Card.  This does two things.  First it stops the action and acknowledges a foul.  In a game that no fouls are called, the fouls increase.  Secondly, stopping to apologize tells the ladies that they are dancing with gentlemen.  It teaches the Green Man or WMD Man (or whoever) that what just happen is not cool.  It's a foul.
So in case anyone thinks that a Red Card Milonga might appear soon in Austin, Texas, let me say clearly:  Solution number three resolves the issue.  In a dance that is lead and follow -- the true gentlemen tangueros will lead and others will follow.

A Tango Wake

Instruction for a tanguero's death:


When I die, give me a tango wake.

Music
Play tanda-sets like this: 2 milongas, a tango, 2 milongas, a vals and then repeat until all sorrow leaves you. Play Biaggi,
Di Sarli and some Gotan Project. No Piazzola.

Who to Invite
First of all invite all those who have greeted me with an embrace me, both men and women who are part of tango communities in the US, Germany and France.

At the top of the list are those fine tangueras who would meet with me and practice with me in our love of tango. My condolences to these tangueras if they felt that I loved tango more than them.  Sorry.  It is just that women have come and gone in my life, but la música y el tango se queda a mi lado.  (I hope they'll forgive me.)

Then I want to extend a special invitation to my enemies because they (a) have been my best mentors, helping me to become a better person; (b) they will be so happy that I am dead that it certainly will liven the party to have them there celebrating! Perhaps they can experience a community that is more loving and open than the church they go to. The tango community isn't perfect, but I do not know hate or disdain like I have seen in churchs my enemies attend.

Finally on the "who-to-invite-list": I will leave some money for professional mourners (all women) in red stilettos, hysterically feigning their great loss; so that my friends can dance uninhibited because at least SOMEONE is crying.

This will be harder, but please try:
Please everyone try to dance in close embrace. It will signify that you recognize that the people you dance with may be no longer with you tomorrow; so embrace them closely while you can.

Do not cry for me Argentina
I will be in heaven dancing with the angels.