The female ego in tango

Two Egos:  One tango

Preface:
As a general rule, I find women to be leaders in many things in society and my life.  They are remarkable creatures on this planet.  I adore my mother's spirituality and I was the most adoring brother a sister could ever have.  So please understand, I am not a misogynist.  However, I am all too aware as a therapist and in my private life of the female egotist and how she sometimes goes undetected because of so many great women around her.

The female ego
That is an interesting trio of words: "the female ego." One rarely hears those words together. The usual three words that one hears is "the male ego."

Surely anyone with human experience must be aware that women have egos too -- some female egos are just as hyperactive as any man's ego. In fact, no one gender or race or nation seems to have any special patent on ego or being egotistical.

The problem now, is that men are often the most active apologists for the female ego in ways that women were never so actively supportive of the male ego. This phenomenon in the world of tango works itself out in such ways as having a male teacher that is dismissive of the men and the male role in ways that even the most crass man-hating woman could ever be.  It doesn't matter if it is a man or a woman, gender (or role) bashing is unenlightened no matter who the source is.

Here are some of the unabashed male-bashing that goes on in my experience:

1. "Women dancers are generally better than male dancers."  What a great way to bash men and keep the gender imbalance going!  Why would a man want to hang out with women with this opinion -- even if it were true?  I never thought about this idea until a woman more recently told me her opinion.  She is not alone, but she has many who hold her world view both on and off of the dance floor.  She is the female egotist.

2. "Women do everything a man does but backwards and in high heels."  This is another great way to start out a beginner class!  How motivating for me to hear how easy my job is compared to the women in the class.  I first heard this quote from a female tango instructor, who incorrectly attributed it to Ginger Rogers.  Yes, it was a beginners class.  For the record, Rogers adored  Astaire and would have never said this.  Here's the real quote: "Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels." ~Faith Whittlesey (anti-abortion spokesperson for President Regan).  Most high level dancers actually believed that Astaire was far more talented as a dancer and listed the women at his level.  I only see the remarkable spirit of Ginger Rogers, who still inspires me.

3. "The cabeceo is to protect the male ego." The cabeceo is a way of respecting boundaries and protects men and women from dancing with people they prefer not to without having to vocalize it.  Both men and women can use the cabeceo or ask for a dance.  That is my experience.

4. "The follower has a lot more difficult task."  This is a quote by a male author, using tango as an analogy for the business world.  Wait a minute!  The business world will never understand the magic of what is happening between a man and a women dancing tango because even the most avid tangueros and tangueras themselves do not seem to have the philosophical vocabulary to explain it very well.   But let's address at least the problem of this claim at the business level of "followership."  Leaders such as Joan of Arc, Moses, Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi did not have an easy job.  Their followers had it harder?  My best bosses made my job easy and my worst bosses have made my job impossible. I can only speak for myself.   In the world of tango if a woman is dancing with a man who dances like a slave owner, then she indeed will have an impossible job and the more difficult task of the two dancers.  However, if the man is accompanying her (acompañandole) as his adorable companion (compañera) and they are both following the music, then she has a task not harder or easier because it is a mutual experience.

Egos love comparisons, but as soon as comparisons start, the magic ends.

I am not a protector of the evils of the male ego.  What atrocities have been committed by the male ego!  The point here is that the "female ego" does not have much usage in the English language, as if there is no need to speak of this phenomenon.  Yet is alive and well in the world and in the world of tango.  I seek out compañeras who feel the magic of the mutual experience.  It feels as if they make my job the easiest in the world, and on a good night, the feeling is mutual.

PS:
There are women who need ego development (the word "ego" is the Greek term for "I".) For those who feel I have been too hard on women, please read "The Female Ego."   Book description: A therapist provides advice to women on self-fulfillment and increased happiness, as well as adjusting to lovers, family, and career situations without suppressing the female ego.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:http://www.planetiskcon.com/daily/07/11/02/