Warning: Don't tell your grandmother (or friends) what tango really is like
It might be best to avoid telling others how magical and mystical it is to you--how ineffable tango really is for you. It may be best to simply lie or minimize how incredible your experiences are as a tango dancer. Tell others, “Tango is like a conversation in dance.” That's a great minimization! Or tell them, "Tango is like leading and following." Your uncle, who was in the military, will understand that analogy, and his wife, who runs the HR department at work. They understand leadership and followership. DO NOT tell them any other analogies. They will think you have lost your mind. However, I wish tango teachers would stop with superficial analogies.
In reality, most tango dancers know the ineffable, unspeakable beauty of dancing tango fits into not a single model (certainly not the conversation model or the lead/follow/military model). Once you get closer to the truth about tango, other models and analogies to understand the experience will sound spiritual, esoteric, bordering on sounding like someone being on magic mushrooms. These analogies might scare people away or damage your reputation! All analogies help us try to understand, but that is what they ALL are--just analogies. Let's consider some other possibilities that are at least closer than what you tell your grandmother. As for me . . .
Tango is like . . .
Like moments of Cosmic Oneness with another person (mystical).
Like Being Possessed by Music, then moving in tandem with another (shamanism).
Like Heaven on earth, but often with sore feet (otherworldly).
Like Ecstasy without drugs (naturalist).
Like Nirvana without a caste system (neo-Hinduism).
Like a Healing Balm made through movement to music (dance and movement healer).
Like having the most important role in an orchestra without being a musician (dancer-musician).
Like harmonizing as a duet, then realizing the whole room harmonizes with you (clairvoyant singer).
Like regression into childhood when we were all artists and dancers (Picasso's vision).
Like what "incorporeal sex” might be like in Heaven (tantric connection that never dies).*
Please help me with more analogies in the comments. But certainly do use “tango is like leading and following in a conversation” while dancing, or just don't want to have people thinking you are weird.
I welcome your comments, and that you share this with tango friends only. ;-)
Footnote: * Regarding the analogy of “like incorporeal sex” among the angels. It may be the best analogy for tango of all models, but let others figure it out themselves.
Note: This is a mere tango blog, but be prepared to learn about an aspect of the world that is radically changing, and is already affecting all the young men you know, especially in tango.
Tango GOLF (Gentlemen Only Learning to Follow) responds to the myriad "ladies only" tango classes worldwide. Men, too, need to learn how to dance both roles, but for profoundly different reasons that reflect huge shifts occurring in the world. Experienced male dancers need to change two things, in my opinion. One, give up on competing with younger men. They need mentorship for the survival of the future tango community. Number two, become a model for what they need to do to survive in tango in the new century. This means that it is time to learn both roles. This, my friends, is a return to the roots of Argentine tango: Men mentoring men.
Perhaps you have noticed the great changes in role fluidity from the perspective of sociologists. Women have finally made strides in many areas of life, but at the same time, younger women have not just caught up—they are now passing men and leaving them behind in several key metrics. And women in general do not care that men are struggling--as if this is some sort of love of inequality. This educational and professional reversal is contributing to what sociologists are calling the "Mating Market Mismatch" and "Male Social Disengagement." There are fixes, but when the general public doesn't even know something is broken, one should not hope for a fix.
The Crisis of Male Social Disengagement
Sociologists are not reporting on the small niche of tango, but they are voicing increasing concern that young men are finding it very hard to have intimate relationships with women, even just an old-fashioned human connection with their female peers.
The data is startling: Young women are now the majority of people graduating from college, and the disparity is now wider against men than it was against women before Title IX was enacted in 1972 in the US to help women enter college. In some specialized fields, the shift is extreme: approximately 90% of psychologists under 30 are women.
As women achieve higher educational and professional status, their dating preferences become highly selective. Check out dating apps: younger women now consistently seek partners who are taller, richer, and often older than they are. Many young men cannot meet these prerequisites for a date with their female peers. Consequently, younger men remain unwilling virgins for a much longer time than past generations.
When young men fail to meet these cultural markers of masculine success (professional, romantic, or financial), they often internalize the failure and retreat. This retreat feeds into the toxic cycle of online withdrawal and resentment, where isolation and gaming replace face-to-face interaction.
The "Walk Away From Tango" Moment
This sociological crisis is playing out on the milonga floor.
Earlier, a young man taking up tango would eventually show up at a milonga and feel overwhelmed by the effort required to master the leader's role. Now, double that pressure. He arrives to find that both men and women can lead wonderfully.
If he sees his female peers dancing the traditional lead role with skill and confidence, he might conclude the effort is pointless. He might walk away. If he does, it will be just another failure to break away from toxic internet dialogues, decrying how he cannot compete with established, older men. This withdrawal reinforces the social isolation that is damaging the mental health and well-being of young men globally.
The Hypergamous Trap on the Dance Floor
I see more and more young women coming into tango dancing, mostly with other women. In a recent encuentro, I saw women under 30 rarely dancing with a man. Second, on the 30-and-under women's preference list are elite male dancers, and finally, any man within their dating range. That means the new generation of women will start excluding not only younger men, but also older men who are there not at the milonga for dating but just want to dance. Older women, too, are tired of sitting and waiting for a dance with a man. The gender gap is only growing wider, and older, experienced dancers are tired of waiting for a dance; so they are going to LOMF (ladies only, men forbidden) tango workshops with the sole goal of learning to lead.
I learned to follow by following my wife and mentoring her to be a leader. Now, she rarely dances with a man at some milongas. The men, she says, are doing a bunch of figures, are blowing through the musical phrases like a driver running stop signs--missing wonderful opportunities to be musically aware with their partners. This is another reason Tango GOLF is needed for many "experienced" men. There is much to be learned by knowing what it feels like to be led by a dancer with sensitivities to both roles.
The feminization of tango is neither good nor bad—it's simply a description of what changes are happening in the larger society and in the dance. It is becoming obvious that especially younger men need to learn both roles to survive in the new world of tango.
Tango GOLF as a Social Intervention
Tango GOLF is the necessary intervention. My plan is to get men together to learn the so-called following role, just as men learned together in Argentina when the country had few women. For profoundly different reasons, tango has come full circle.
The core of Tango GOLF is not just about mastering the other role; it is about re-establishing positive male-to-male mentorship and creating a safe, low-pressure social environment.
Building Confidence in a Safe Space: GOLF creates a space for all men to socialize, seek guidance, and build self-esteem in a positive setting, countering the negative isolation seen in the wider culture. They learn to follow first, experiencing what it feels like to be led well, before having to face the high-pressure demands of the lead role at a milonga.
Developing New Masculinity: For me, learning the following role forced a totally different perspective on life. It is a lesson in empathy, presence, and non-defensive communication—skills that sociologists argue young men desperately need to succeed in modern relationships.
The Survival Skill: Learning both roles is a path to survival and growth. At modern milongas, a man who can dance both roles will dance nearly every tanda. You will get dances because the modern woman may want to lead at least two of the four songs of a tanda, and you will be ready to follow. Also, just like women, you will begin dancing with people who bring joy to the dance. You can ask people who have seen me dancing for nearly 20 years. Unlike most dancers, I try to dance with every woman at a small milonga or during the course of a 3-day event. But now, I truly do not want to be obligated to dance with everyone. Many women never take any classes or try to improve. I would rather dance with a man who is putting effort into being an all-around dancer. The women do not like this change--the very change they have fought for and deserve: Dance with people who bring inspiration to the dance.
We must help young men brave the sandtraps and water obstacles that keep beginner dancers from successful dancing. The first step is to give them a place where failure is just learning, and where success is defined by connection, empathy, and growth—not competition. Your local Tango G.O.L.F. is that place. Please email me if you are interested in doing this in your community or already have started.
Post Script: If you have a boy or young man whom you love, you may be interested in the data behind this blog post. Once minorities become majorities, they have the risk of forgetting what it was like to be a minority. There is no new Title IX to help young men, nor interest from those who were once left out. If these statistics below are a surprise to you, it is because there is no social awareness or concern for a new minority. And the reason for not caring is something like the age-old way of keeping minorities down: "They deserve it." "It is their fault." "Tough luck for them; let them suffer like we did." The darker phenomenon of this mentality extends to those who once suffered genocide, becoming those who commit genocide. Here is our new minority, unseen and unheard: Young men.
👩⚕️ Healthcare and Therapy
Many health and care-related fields, which were historically often male at the top (doctors/surgeons) but mixed or female-dominated in support roles, have seen a substantial feminization across the board, particularly at the practitioner level.
Veterinarians: Women have been the majority of veterinary school graduates for decades, leading to a female majority in the profession.
Pharmacists: Women make up over 60% of the pharmacy workforce in some regions, with the trend for pharmacy school graduates even higher.
Physician Assistants (PAs) and Nurse Practitioners (NPs): These roles, which involve advanced clinical practice, are overwhelmingly female-dominated. For example, Nurse Practitioners are often over 85% women.
Physical and Occupational Therapists: These fields are strongly female-dominated, with Occupational Therapists often being over 85% women.
🍎 Education and Law
Fields requiring advanced degrees have also seen major shifts, driven by women earning a majority of bachelor's and master's degrees for several decades.
Lawyers/Legal Occupations: Women have been earning a majority of law degrees in the U.S. for some time. While the overall population of lawyers is still closer to a 60/40 male-female split (due to older, established professionals), the percentage of younger lawyers and legal professionals entering the field is much closer to parity, with women often being the majority in graduating classes.
Elementary and Middle School Teachers: This has long been a female-dominated field, with percentages often around 80% female. The discussion here is less about men losing dominance and more about the historical continuation of female dominance in a non-high-paying professional field.
💼 Business and Management Support
Even within the corporate structure, certain professional and administrative roles have become predominantly female.
Human Resources (HR) Managers: Women make up a strong majority of HR professionals and managers, often around 70-75% in management roles.
Marketing Managers: Women frequently outnumber men in this field, often around 60% or more.
Accountants and Auditors: The gender balance is shifting here, moving closer to parity (around 50/50), which is a major change from a historically male-dominated, high-status business profession.
Gender Reversal in U.S. College Graduates (true in Europe too)
The shift in college graduation rates in the U.S. represents a dramatic gender reversal, moving from a historical gap that disadvantaged women to a new one that now disadvantages men.
1. The Disparity Before Title IX (Early 1970s)
Before the passage of Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, which banned sex-based discrimination in any federally funded education program, men dominated higher education enrollment and completion.
Gender Gap: Around 1972, there was an approximate 12-percentage-point gap in the proportion of bachelor's degrees awarded, with men receiving the majority.
Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (1970):
Men: Approximately 60% of all undergraduates enrolled.
Women: Approximately 40% of all undergraduates enrolled.
Barriers: Women faced high barriers, including explicit or implicit quotas in graduate schools (like law and medicine), higher admission standards for female applicants, and fewer opportunities in high-earning fields.
2. The New Disparity Today (Post-2000s)
The gender gap began to reverse in the mid-1980s, and it has since widened to a degree that is now larger than the original gap, but in the opposite direction.
Gender Gap: By 2019, the gender gap in bachelor's degrees awarded was wider, at about 14 percentage points, favoring women.
Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (Recent Data):
For every 100 women who received a bachelor's degree in the 2018-2019 academic year, only about 74 men did.
Women earned approximately 57-58% of all bachelor's degrees annually.
Enrollment Rate (Ages 25-29, Recent):
In 2022, 44% of women in the 25-29 age group had completed a bachelor's degree or higher, compared to only 35% of men.
Enrollment: Men now make up a smaller share of enrolled students than ever before, accounting for about 41% of students enrolled in U.S. postsecondary institutions in fall 2020.This shift is driven by men having lower high school graduation rates, lower enrollment rates, and lower completion rates after enrolling.
The Disparity Change in Europe and Latin America
The trend of women increasingly surpassing men in tertiary (college/university) education is a global phenomenon, and both Europe and Latin America reflect this change.
European Countries
In the European Union, the gender gap in tertiary education has also reversed to favor women, though the size of the gap varies by country.
Overall Trend: The share of women and men graduating from university has increased steadily, but the growth rate has been faster for women.
Recent Attainment (Ages 15-64, 2023):
Women:34% of citizens had finished tertiary education.
Men:28% of citizens had finished tertiary education.
EU 2020 Target (Ages 30-34): The EU achieved its tertiary education target for women (46%) but fell short for men (36%).
Largest Gaps: Countries like Estonia (17 percentage points) and Latvia (14 percentage points) showed some of the largest gaps favoring women tertiary graduates. Conversely, a few countries like Germany, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands still had small gaps favoring men, though these are the exceptions to the general EU trend.
Latin American Countries
Latin America and the Caribbean have made extremely significant progress and now rank highly in the world for gender parity in higher education.
Overall Trend: The region's gender gap in higher education began to inverse around 1993.
Recent Enrollment: More than 6 out of 10 women in Latin America and the Caribbean attend college, compared to less than half of men.
Historical Context: In 1970, only about 5% of women in the region were educated beyond secondary school, highlighting the massive scale of the change.
Parity: Many countries in the region have effectively closed the gender gap in tertiary education, with women now achieving higher average years of schooling than their male counterparts. However, disparities can still exist among specific groups, such as indigenous communities in countries like Guatemala and Bolivia.
In summary, the transition from a male-dominated education system to a female-majority one is consistent across the U.S., Europe, and Latin America, demonstrating a major global shift in educational attainment.
This is a critical area of sociological and psychological analysis today, representing a complex interaction between shifting female autonomy, traditional mating preferences, and the pressure on young men.
The trends of rising male virginity/sexlessness and strong female preferences for taller, richer, and older partners are converging to create significant pressures on young men, impacting their mental health, self-esteem, and social behavior.
📈 The Rise of Involuntary Male Virginity/Sexlessness
Data from various countries, including the U.S., suggest that the proportion of young adults (particularly men in their 20s and early 30s) who are not sexually active or are virgins has increased. While women are also experiencing a rise in sexlessness, the issue for men is often framed as involuntary celibacy, or the state of being an unwilling virgin, which carries unique social and psychological burdens.
Impact on Young Men: Mental Health and Identity
The primary impact is on mental health and self-identity. For many men, sexual and romantic success is still closely tied to the traditional standard of masculinity and self-worth. When they fail to meet this standard, the effects can be severe:
Shame and Anxiety: The "Standard Virginity Loss Narrative" dictates that men must lose their virginity by a certain age (often early 20s). Failing to meet this arbitrary standard leads to intense shame, anxiety, and the fear of being "outed" as a virgin, which becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of social withdrawal and isolation.
Feeling "Defective" or "Unworthy": Many men in this situation describe feeling "broken," "defective," or "unworthy" of a relationship. Sex moves from being something enjoyable to a massive, intimidating milestone that casts a shadow over their entire identity.
Resentment and Blame: This frustration can lead to two opposing reactions:
Self-Blame: Internalizing the failure, leading to increased depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
External Blame: Developing bitterness and resentment toward the opposite sex, often expressed in toxic online communities (like incel groups), which reinforces negative social behaviors and further isolates them.
Reduced Socialization: Contributing factors to this rise are social changes like increased screen time (internet, gaming), reduced participation in traditional social organizations, higher rates of mental health concerns (anxiety/depression), and the financial inability to live independently (which is a major de facto barrier to sex/dating).
💎 The Hypergamous Trap: Taller, Richer, Older
The difficulties faced by many young men are amplified by the persistence of hypergamous preferences in dating and mating markets—the sociological tendency (traditionally by women) to choose a partner with higher socioeconomic status, resources, or social rank than themselves.
In the modern dating market, which is increasingly mediated by online apps that create an environment of massive choice, women's preferences for taller partners, richer (or high-earning potential), and often older become highly salient.
Impact on Young Men: Competition and Desirability
This dynamic creates an extreme competition gradient that particularly disadvantages younger men who are still establishing themselves.
Socioeconomic Squeeze (Richer/Older):
Young women today are the most highly educated generation in history and are increasingly financially independent. This raises the baseline status a woman expects in a male partner.
A young man fresh out of college or navigating the gig economy is often financially precarious, struggling with student debt, and living with parents—the exact opposite of the "provider" status many women desire.
This forces young men into direct competition with older, established men (who are financially secure and often taller), who are also pursuing young women, creating an incredibly steep barrier for younger men at the lower end of the income/career-trajectory distribution.
Physical Criterion (Taller):
Sociological studies confirm that the preference for a taller man is a strong, consistent, and global preference among women, often linked to evolutionary cues of dominance, protection, and social status.
Men are more likely to be dissatisfied with their own height than women, indicating that they are highly aware of this external preference and the way it affects their desirability. This preference acts as a non-negotiable filter on dating apps and in social settings, excluding men of average or short stature regardless of other positive qualities.
The Exchange Dynamic:
Sociologically, the mating market involves an exchange: Men traditionally offer status/resources, and women offer youth/attractiveness.
In the current environment, young men often lack the resources/status to make this exchange, while young women often possess the educational status and youth/attractiveness that older, richer men desire, creating a "mating market mismatch" that leaves a significant number of young men feeling excluded and inadequate.
These trends paint a picture of rising psychological stress and social isolation for a cohort of young men who are struggling to adapt to a dating market where female choice has become highly selective, largely divorced from traditional economic necessity, and focused on traits that take time and money (status/wealth) or are unchangeable (height).
Imagine that Mr. Vladimir Putin gave up his perpetual presidential office after ten years in office to dedicate his life to tango. This post is a thought experiment about the transformative power of dance and especially Argentine Tango. One also can do this thought experiment on oneself, such as, “imagine if you [never] learned tango....”
The Alternate Universe So, picture in your mind that Mr. Putin discovered tango. He had already amassed great wealth from his dealings with the oligarchs he had created. Mr. Putin, adored by so many Russian women, appears on the Russian version of "Dancing with the Stars," in Moscow. His middle-aged female fans swoon. It was a forgone conclusion that he would win, of course. But nevertheless, he falls in love with dancing Argentine tango, and eventually he becomes a good dancer. With his status as the former president and now a dancing star, he does much for tango. He studies tango with a renown teacher, Sebastian Arce--a tango teacher once living in Moscow who writes about his philosophy as being balance with two essential ingredients for great tango: Showmanship and courtship. (This philosophy works well with any larger-than-life politician). Of course, Acre's tango philosophy applies perfectly to Mr. Putin, but also Donald Trump, who in retirement also starts dancing tango. Many might not have this philosophy of showmanship and courtship, but most agree that something is true for everyone because in tango, you dance your character. We also tend to find tango teachers that match our characters (or wannabe personalities).
Mr. Putin invests a lot of money in helping tango grow. As far as his character goes, Mr. Putin is somewhat like many tango stars. He is suited to be an influencer for tango after he competes on a show fashioned after Dancing with the Stars. He does well, and the dance judges are amazed at his quick progress.
Mr. Acre helps Mr. Putin advance his dance quickly through many private lessons in Moscow. Luckily we all learned recently Mr. Sebastian Arce's secret for his success with Mr. Putin. Acre's philosophy showed up on Facebook: Showmanship and courtship define the essence of tango.*
Фокс энд френдс the TV show in Russia Mr. Putin, echoes his new tango teacher on a TV show in Russia. Then as great surprise for everyone, Mr. Putin dances with a beautiful professional dancer. The ratings go off the charts. Mr. Putin does a good job for not having that much time as a tango dancer.
The next day, other TV commentators invite tango dancers and even a dance psychologist into their studio. The psychologist says: “The Swiss psychiatrist, Dr. Jung, told us to learn what our unconscious shadow personality is. I think becoming aware of our show-off side is essential for being better dancers and people. But it is our shadow and not our developed and enlightened self. Mr. Arce has done dancers a favor to make dancers wonder where they are on the 'spectrum of being a show-off,' and their shadow side. Even very timid people after they learn to play and instrument start feeling comfortable performing for friends. So there is truly a 'spectrum of showing off.'” Other well-known dancers say that it is creepy to suggest that tango is all about showmanship and courtship. They claim social dance is rarely about these things.
In the End...
The world is a better place because of Mr. Putin's contribution to tango in this Alternative Universe. Thanks for visiting us here. If you come back to this Alternative Universe, we can tell you more of how Mr. Putin eventually fell in love with the fine movements of musicality. He discovered the beauty a close, warm embrace, and how he sponsored so many tango events all over the world to help people experience the beauty of tango. Today, he is bringing many people to love tango. He now runs a wonderful milonga in Moscow, co-founded by Donald Trump that features excellent Epoca de Oro tango and great DJ's. Mr. Putin's World Tango Foundation organizes tango events all across the globe, including in Ukraine and Canada which were never invaded. We like it here in the Alternative Universe. It's calm here.
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Photo credit: Craiyon.com for Mr. Putin's boleo.
Footnotes: (1) This post is inspired by Éric Immanuel Schmitt, who wrote the book La Part de l'Autre : La Part de l'autre("The Part of The Other", also called "The Alternative Hypothesis") is a 2001alternate historynovel byÉric-Emmanuel Schmitt, the plot serving to illustrate the writer's ideas ofMoral Philosophy. It consists of a fictionalized biography ofAdolf Hitler, sticking to the known facts of Hitler's life, in parallel with the fictional alternative biography the world-famous painter known as "Adolf H." - the person which Hitler could have become.
According to Schmitt, "The minute which changed the course of world history" is the moment when a member of the jury of the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts uttered the words "Adolf Hitler: Failed".[1] The historical character, angry and bitter at being rejected by the academy, feeling that he deserved to be accepted and that he must have been the victim of some kind of conspiracy, begins to descend the path that would eventually lead him to be the rabble-rousing leader of the Nazi Party and the dictator of Nazi Germany.
Conversely, in the alternative reality where the jury member said "Adolf Hitler: Accepted", the young Hitler is deliriously happy to enter the academy, where he discovers a world of feelings that his less fortunate double would never know - eventually leading to his becoming the highly successful painter Adolf H.
(2) These two “essential things” written by Sebastian Arce are given below in this post on March 15, 2025. Not only Mr. Putin, but many others share belief in these two essential principals--as seen in the endless list of people who praise Mr. Arce for his tango wisdom. Please visit his Facebook page to see all the praise and the viral shares he received. For those who know my blog, know that the dance for me is mostly internal affair, shared with one other person and perhaps also with those dancing on the floor at the same time. But many tango dancers do not feel that way. (See his philosophy as written below.)
Mr. Arce's comments in full (Facebook, 15 March 2025) https://www.facebook.com/arcetango and then my post script below:
“Argentine Tango is deeply rooted in these two essential social dynamics: courting and showing off (read previous reel). Courting in tango is about the unspoken dialogue between partners. It’s the game of attraction, subtle seduction, and connection built through musicality, embrace, and energy. It mirrors the natural rhythm of human relationships—how two people negotiate space, trust, and desire through movement. Showing off is the external expression of this dynamic. It’s how dancers assert presence, style, and confidence. Whether it’s through intricate footwork, posture, or attitude, it’s a performance not just for the partner but for the surrounding audience. In a milonga, this is particularly evident in how leaders showcase control and elegance, while followers display grace and sensitivity. Tango, at its core, thrives on the balance of these forces. Too much showing off without genuine connection makes it empty; too much intimacy without external projection makes it invisible. The dance lives in this tension—between inner emotion and outer expression. . For courting and showing off to coexist harmoniously in Argentine Tango, there must be a fundamental rule: The man must prioritize the woman, and the woman must prioritize the man. This is not about submission or dominance—it is about balance.
For the man: Prioritizing the woman means creating a space where she can shine. It’s about leading with clarity, protection, and generosity, ensuring she feels confident, admired, and expressive. His steps, posture, and musical choices should highlight her beauty, grace, and movement.
For the woman: Prioritizing the man means responding with equal intention, embracing his lead while bringing her own personality and artistry into the dance. It’s about trust, presence, and the ability to elevate the connection rather than simply following.
When both partners put the other first, a natural synergy emerges. The dance becomes fluid, magnetic, and deeply engaging—both for them and for those watching. This is what separates an ordinary tango from an unforgettable one.
He also suggests understanding his intent in this post about the dynamic between partners.
https://www.facebook.com/arcetango March 15, 2025 Please read the adoring comments to his posts on Facebook. Here is one: “Oh, my! I have never heard such a clear definition and explanation of how I feel the dance. Thank you, Sebastian.”
Post Script: Just my little opinion: As alluded to by the ideas of Dr. Jung, there is a shadow side that we all have. Of course, that shadow side can be very dangerous, but in most cases it stays hidden. He wanted people to know their dark side so that it would not overcome them as a surprise. I see showing off as a normal tendency of teens and younger dancers, not only in their lives but on the dance floor. This is only a developmental step, and absolutely normal as people develop. It's not wrong, but it's not where I believe that many social dancers are with their dance. Showing off and courting is more a description of the animal kingdom than a philosophy: The peacock and his feathers does not need to read Jung's work to get along better in the world. But perhaps humans should read Jung's works.
On Earth, Derrick James seemed to be born to be a tango DJ. Partly it was because of his name. He liked dancing, but quickly became more interested in being a DJ.
Because of his initials, his friends and even his parents called him "DJ". He became a top 40's dance DJ as a teen. Although he was a bit of a nerd, Derrick became instantly cool with his friends when he played music at parties.
Eventually, Derrick James became a tango dancer and then a connoisseur of tango music. As a tango DJ, Derrick was praised for how he constructed an evening following a well-establish pattern as it is done in Buenos Aires. He followed the traditions of the best tango DJs, which made the evening more predictable for dancers with discriminating tastes. He found the best quality recordings, and didn't have to blast his music to get people to dance. Unfortunately, DJ's death came suddenly and early from falling asleep at the wheel after trying to drive the three hours home after being a DJ one late night.
Derrick goes straight to Hell. He knows he's in Hell right away because when he arrives, he hears tango music, but immediately is astonished that the tango music that nobody in their right mind would play! "What is this mierda!" he mutters. It only gets worse. The DJ from Hell plays a tango, a vals, a milonga--just three songs--and all within the same tanda, shattering every norm DJs of any worth follow religiously.
His focus of derision--the DJ from Hell--continues to play music from the 1950's to the 70's, and mixes in tango nuevo along songs with tangos sung by Gardel in the same tanda! They all dance and seem to be perfectly happy, even ecstatic!
"How can they just hold each other in silence before the next poorly chosen song begins? This is the worst thing of it all! They love it," he tells himself.
"They should all sit down in protest!"
DJ Derrick resigns himself that he is indeed in Hell. He had already experienced Hell like this at some milongas on earth. But Hell is much worse. In Hell you cannot go home. The punishment is eternal.
"God," he implores, "what have I done to deserve this?" He sobs, realizing he hadn't addressed deity since he was 12-years old. With blurred vision he begins hearing sirens. He goes through a tunnel and sees the medical team treating is bloody body. He reenters his body, and lives. In his long road to recovery, he is perplexed by having gone to hell. DJ tells no one. But stills asks, "Why Hell? What did I do?"
His answer comes at a milonga he goes to with friends. They invite a women he does not know. The DJ from Hell evidently followed him there! Horrified and breathless that Hell's DJ is haunting him. The woman, whom he had just met, gives him an intense mirada. The music starts. There is an immediate magic between them. The music is bad but immediately transforms into the angelic Music of the Spheres the they embrace. The music and embrace's enchantment are so powerful he can not speak between songs. He did not want to break the magical and mesmerizing spell. The tanda comes to an end. The DJ from Hell looks at him at the end of the tanda, points at him and winks. There is an immediate lesson here. He realizes the music must be good to inspire dancers, but sometime the embrace itself at times can over-ride the power of music.
Derrick James eventually married this wonderful dancer. He was a DJ less often. He wanted to embrace and dance more often than before, even when the music wasn't perfect (which according to his inner critic was very often). He never changed his belief that the magic of a great milonga evening is the music. But he also came to see that the community of people who come to embrace find Paradise in many different ways. Some find it in the embrace, or graceful musicality, or deep friendships forged through the joy of dance, or great music. When they all come together in one package, of course, that is really what defines heaven on earth for a tango dancer.
DJ died many years later--just 3 years after his wife's death from breast cancer. Again, he was met by the same DJ from Hell, playing really shitty music. The DJ from Hell points at him and winks. Before sorting out what is happening, Derrick catches sight of his wife and is flooded with joy. As they embrace, the music transforms into the clearest Biagi music he had ever heard. (No wonder, Derrick! That's live music and Biagi is on the damn piano!)
In Paradise, you see, the music sucks only when you are not embracing someone. When DJ had his near-death experience as a young man, he was never in Hell, but the experience helped him find out that there are many paths to Tango Paradise.
____ A note: This tale is not about Tango DJ's alone. It is about also about the dancers who quit tango when something is missing. Tango Paradise (and heaven on earth) is about our own perceptions. In other words, one can leave a Milonga from Hell, but you cannot escape the hell of one's own judgmental perceptions and the multiple earthly paths to being unhappy about most everything. I have met the DJ from Hell in many different incarnations. But just the other day, the worst DJ from hell I have ever met presented a wonderful playlist for quality music. Do you believe in miracles? I had just finished writing this story, and decided to go just to the milonga for the wonderful list of things I mentioned above.
It moves me and others to stand and join the orchestra.
I feel the music pulsing in my body. Urging me.
A mere touch of my hand, and the power of the music transfers to her.
We move in tandem as if we have known each other since the start of time.
We join the orchestra at its every turn and phrase.
How does the music play me, make me, make us, move like this?
I feel as if I know the music as much as the orchestra does.
Or is it that music knows us to the depths of our humanity, the dancing animal?
It cannot get any better than this . . . until it does.
Now those around us are just as much a part of us as the orchestra is.
We are now an organism coming to life on this small clod of dirt, spinning around an insignificant star in an insignificant galaxy.
This is my greatest moment when I dance in tandem with the orchestra and those with whom the music has possessed so completely . . .
When suddenly the Milky Way becomes a significant galaxy . . .
Our star, especially brilliant . . .
And this clod of dirt, the most welcoming place for a dance floor in the universe.
Note: Musicality is not a skill. It is yielding to the power of music. Being possessed to the bone by who you are at your purest humanity. Music knows you, and will guide you to know yourself.
Let me tell you about a few very memorable, surprising moments when I first started dancing. You tell me if you think they were appropriate:
I was in Boston. A dance partner snuggled up to me, putting her vulva firmly against my right leg. She bent her torso backwards, and off we went on a foxtrot promenade. I'll be honest: That shook me up. This, she told me later, was the International Ballroom definition of connection. I thought that I knew the foxtrot, but not like that! Many years later, I learned Argentine tango. At that time I was an experienced salsa, merengue, and bachata dancer. I was at a Latin bar in El Paso, Texas. The young lady made the same kind of connection as described above while dancing the Bachata. This second dancer and dance, the bachata, were from the Dominican Republic. Neither of the women above asked me for permission.
I cannot suggest what appropriate touch is for you because each person is different, and each culture is different. Some behavior is truly inappropriate as judged from a multicultural perspective.* This post, however, focuses on norms for certain dances and their country of origins. In other words, some dances define “appropriate touch” differently.
There is also one's own personal experiences which define what is appropriate. My family were huggers, which would be awkward and even inappropriate in some families. Where I live now in France, friends and family--both male and female--greet me with an “air kiss” on each cheek, but also in France I am not to hug them--unless, of course, they dance tango. What does this all mean? “Appropriate touch,” cannot be defined by one group of people. The countries I have lived in (Mexico, Egypt, Germany, and France)--all have influenced me differently to practice what body and verbal language I use. Yet, monocultural and monolingual people around me--especially in America--want to legislate what they define as being “appropriate discourse” and “appropriate touch." This is nothing more than an extension of believing that American culture is the center of the universe.
Morality Police in Action I bring up this subject because of all the drama I saw about “appropriate touch” in Austin, Texas. More specifically, we are talking about a close embrace here. I haven't seen the same issue in Europe. Before the first of two times I lived in Austin, the tango community had already started with people learning tango and going to Argentina. They eventually brought back Argentine teachers to Texas. However, in 2019 the community was reeling from some fairly young “influencers” who wished to use their kink community norms and apply these ideas to Argentine tango. In the kink community, asking for permission is the norm. Asking if a milonguero embrace is acceptable would be like asking if I can make some turns in salsa. Austin, a once very open and loving tango community, was poisoned--for a few years--by this notion of what others felt was appropriate or not appropriate touch. But the problem still continues all across the US.
One thing I would recommend to monocultural/monolingual people or those damaged by their trauma history is you not attempt to change a dance or tell what other cultures should do to meet your needs. Take up some other thing, like playing cards, or just stay at home. You are the monarch of your own castle that way. However, if you stay with tango and dance with safe and caring people, trauma histories can be addressed organically by facing your fears. It's called exposure therapy. The trick is to find the right people and the right community. I suggest working with a trained therapist, especially if they are dancers.
In Austin, they had a meeting to decide who was naughty or nice. One member of the kink community told others that I might be a “perpetrator” because unlike most, I was dancing in a close embrace. An older Argentine couple came to my defense. They told her that the way I dance is a normal milonguero style. One of my favorite partners, who had spent a lot of time in Argentina, was accosted verbally by the same upholder against close embraces. The “upholder” told this marvelous tango dancer that she was a bad example for the community because of her close embrace! My friend replied simply, “Go fuck off!” I have been trying to think of a more appropriate way of responding, but so far, the words just don't come to me. She and I did just fine fending of these influencers, but another person was totally ostracized and shammed. Was he truly so inappropriate or was it that he was brown, poor, a sensitive musician, and struggling? My wife and I, newly returning to Austin from years in Europe, did not attend the Austin Festival that year, and instead found warm embraces in Salt Lake City's tango encuentro. Imagine that, leaving Austin to go to Salt Lake City to escape the prudes!
Cultural Appropriation In tango, asking for consent for a normal embrace for social tango is like asking swimmers at a public pool if you can get in the water with them. What is happening in tango in certain communities is simply “cultural appropriation”--taking a tradition and way of being from one country, calling it the same name in one's own country but insisting on transforming it into something quite different. Arthur Murry Studios did exactly this with Argentine tango. The cultural appropriate of tango in this case has created a dance that is strange and even horrifying for most Argentine tango dancers to watch. Here's the test if your community has culturally appropriated tango: Does tango in your community look like how it is danced in Argentina? No? C.A.
If you are going to dance “Argentine” tango, it's best that you know what touch means at the source of this wonderful dance. But if you wish to dance American tango or European Ballroom Tango, please go to a dance studio to learn an adapted style of tango. Warning: Once you are at the gold or platinum level, you will join your partner at the hips and bend away from each other at the torso. Have fun with that. That's all “inappropriate” stuff for authentic Argentine tango.
For me, appropriate touch is a warm embrace as if you love and respect that person and accept them the way they are. That says it well for Argentine tango's touch in just a few words. I recommend this sort of touch as the appropriate touch for a milonga.
This blog has addressed real issues with inappropriate behavior at the milonga. Austin never really confronted "outstanding, white members" of their community that could have fit into some of the descriptions in the following blog posts I have written about truly inappropriate behavior.
Tango Psychopaths refers to a book, given to me by a forensic psychiatrist, who appears in courts around the US to describe the level of dangerousness of a person being charged (often for murder). The book is The Gift of Fear. Since that book was written and my post, more is known about the differences between male and female psychopaths. So let me add: Female (tango) psychopaths tend not to physically harass, harm or kill their victims, but enjoy ruining a person's reputation, getting the person ostracized from a community, and even ruining their ability to make a living.
Kitty Litter was about the women new to tango who left tango because of vulture teachers or excellent dancers who lorded over them.
If not for me, then for them is a short film completed by Marco Calvise, a producer/director totally outside of the tango world. Yet he picks up on so many aspects of the tango scene, including the "tango tomcat."
This post is for male tango dancers. It's a letter to men. There are many classes and forums for dual-role women. Please tell me if you know of any classes or forums that address just the dual-role men.
Gentlemen,
I am a strong believer in Ladies Only tango classes. Doesn't it make sense that for the many of the same reasons, Gentlemen Only classes would be helpful for us? Before reading more, ask yourself. “What is so good about ladies only classes that also would be good for same-sex classes for men”? What is your answer? You can even stop reading, think and then perhaps also email me your answer. I'll make a page break here and give you my email: mark.word1@gmail.com. Think about it before I give my view. I would love to know your opinion. Now, read on:
If Picasso were a tango dancer, I am sure he would try to capture the essence of what a child feels when the music starts. Unfortunately, in spite of his innovations in the world of art, he had a dark side, which would have been terrible for any tango community. He was known as a misogynist, mistreating multiple women in his long career. Great artists of all kinds too often have a dark side, but I love this quote that “every child is an artist.” I love how he brought it into the world of art. Another thing that I would say, is that before children ever have the fine motor skills to draw or paint, babies have the ability to dance--even in the womb when the music starts. The dancing response to music is our primal humanity, and it is our summit as well, I believe.
So thanks, Picasso, for your inspiration, but let me suggest instead:
Every child is a dancer.
The problem is how to remain
a dancer once we grow up.
And how does a child express their dance?
Joy.
Playfulness.
Joy and playfulness exponentially larger with a playmate.
A sense that the music dances us. No sense of having a choice of dancing to the music, but that the music has possessed us by its magical powers.
A carefree sense that there is no right or wrong way to dance.
A sense that others not dancing must be feeling the joy I feel too. (Maybe they have been frozen by so much joy?)
A sense that boys and girls alike are free to dance.
No sense that dancing is a sin or foolish.
No sense of being judged negatively. Just joy and playfulness and a lack of volition when the music starts.
