The Orchestra of Dancers

The music starts. 

It moves me and others to stand and join the orchestra.  

I feel the music pulsing in my body.  Urging me.

A mere touch of my hand, and the power of the music transfers to her.

We move in tandem as if we have known each other since the start of time.

We join the orchestra at its every turn and phrase.

How does the music play me, make me, make us, move like this?

I feel as if I know the music as much as the orchestra does. 

Or is it that music knows us to the depths of our humanity, the dancing animal?

It cannot get any better than this . . . until it does.  

Now those around us are just as much a part of us as the orchestra is. 

We are now an organism coming to life on this small clod of dirt, spinning around an insignificant star in an insignificant galaxy.

This is my greatest moment when I dance in tandem with the orchestra and those with whom the music has possessed so completely . . .

When suddenly the Milky Way becomes a significant galaxy . . .

Our star, especially brilliant . . .

And this clod of dirt, the most welcoming place for a dance floor in the universe.

Note:  Musicality is not a skill.  It is yielding to the power of music.  Being possessed to the bone by who you are at your purest humanity.  Music knows you, and will guide you to know yourself. 

Appropriate Touch in Tango

Let me tell you about a few very memorable, surprising moments when I first started dancing. You tell me if you think they were appropriate:

I was in Boston.  A dance partner snuggled up to me, putting her vulva firmly against my right leg.  She bent her torso backwards, and off we went on a foxtrot promenade.  I'll be honest: That shook me up.  This, she told me later, was the International Ballroom definition of connection.  I thought that I knew the foxtrot, but not like that!  Many years later, I learned Argentine tango.  At that time I was an experienced salsa, merengue, and bachata dancer. I was at a Latin bar in El Paso, Texas. The young lady made the same kind of connection as described above while dancing the Bachata.  This second dancer and dance, the bachata, were from the Dominican Republic.  Neither of the women above asked me for permission.

I cannot suggest what appropriate touch is for you because each person is different, and each culture is different. Some behavior is truly inappropriate as judged from a multicultural perspective.*  This post, however, focuses on norms for certain dances and their country of origins. In other words, some dances define “appropriate touch” differently.

There is also one's own personal experiences which define what is appropriate. My family were huggers, which would be awkward and even inappropriate in some families. Where I live now in France, friends and family--both male and female--greet me with an “air kiss” on each cheek, but also in France I am not to hug them--unless, of course, they dance tango. What does this all mean?  “Appropriate touch,” cannot be defined by one group of people.  The countries I have lived in (Mexico, Egypt, Germany, and France)--all have influenced me differently to practice what body and verbal language I use.  Yet, monocultural and monolingual people around me--especially in America--want to legislate what they define as being “appropriate discourse” and “appropriate touch." This is nothing more than an extension of believing that American culture is the center of the universe.

Morality Police in Action
I bring up this subject because of all the drama I saw about “appropriate touch” in Austin, Texas.  More specifically, we are talking about a close embrace here.  I haven't seen the same issue in Europe. Before the first of two times I lived in Austin, the tango community had already started with people learning tango and going to Argentina.  They eventually brought back Argentine teachers to Texas.  However, in 2019 the community was reeling from some fairly young “influencers” who wished to use their kink community norms and apply these ideas to Argentine tango. In the kink community, asking for permission is the norm.  Asking if a milonguero embrace is acceptable would be like asking if I can make some turns in salsa. Austin, a once very open and loving tango community, was poisoned--for a few years--by this notion of what others felt was appropriate or not appropriate touch. But the problem still continues all across the US.

One thing I would recommend to monocultural/monolingual people or those damaged by their trauma history is you not attempt to change a dance or tell what other cultures should do to meet your needs.  Take up some other thing, like playing cards, or just stay at home.  You are the monarch of your own castle that way. However, if you stay with tango and dance with safe and caring people, trauma histories can be addressed organically by facing your fears.  It's called exposure therapy.  The trick is to find the right people and the right community.  I suggest working with a trained therapist, especially if they are dancers.

In Austin, they had a meeting to decide who was naughty or nice.  One member of the kink community told others that I might be a “perpetrator” because unlike most, I was dancing in a close embrace.  An older Argentine couple came to my defense.  They told her that the way I dance is a normal milonguero style.  One of my favorite partners, who had spent a lot of time in Argentina, was accosted verbally by the same upholder against close embraces.  The “upholder” told this marvelous tango dancer that she was a bad example for the community because of her close embrace!  My friend replied simply, “Go fuck off!”  I have been trying to think of a more appropriate way of responding, but so far, the words just don't come to me. She and I did just fine fending of these influencers, but another person was totally ostracized and shammed.  Was he truly so inappropriate or was it that he was brown, poor, a sensitive musician, and struggling? My wife and I, newly returning to Austin from years in Europe, did not attend the Austin Festival that year, and instead found warm embraces in Salt Lake City's tango encuentro.  Imagine that, leaving Austin to go to Salt Lake City to escape the prudes!

Cultural Appropriation 
In tango, asking for consent for a normal embrace for social tango is like asking swimmers at a public pool if you can get in the water with them. What is happening in tango in certain communities is simply “cultural appropriation”--taking a tradition and way of being from one country, calling it the same name in one's own country but insisting on transforming it into something quite different.  Arthur Murry Studios did exactly this with Argentine tango.  The cultural appropriate of tango in this case has created a dance that is strange and even horrifying for most Argentine tango dancers to watch.  Here's the test if your community has culturally appropriated tango: Does tango in your community look like how it is danced in Argentina?  No?  C.A. 

If you are going to dance “Argentine” tango, it's best that you know what touch means at the source of this wonderful dance.  But if you wish to dance American tango or European Ballroom Tango, please go to a dance studio to learn an adapted style of tango.  Warning: Once you are at the gold or platinum level, you will join your partner at the hips and bend away from each other at the torso.  Have fun with that. That's all “inappropriate” stuff for authentic Argentine tango.  

For me, appropriate touch is a warm embrace as if you love and respect that person and accept them the way they are.  That says it well for Argentine tango's touch in just a few words.   I recommend this sort of touch as the appropriate touch for a milonga.

This blog has addressed real issues with inappropriate behavior at the milonga. Austin never really confronted "outstanding, white members" of their community that could have fit into some of the descriptions in the following blog posts I have written about truly inappropriate behavior.

_________________________________________

* Regarding truly inappropriate behavior (extra reading):

• Heartbreak Milonga and the Tango Tomcat is my translation from the German about inappropriate behavior at milongas.
• Tango Psychopaths refers to a book, given to me by a forensic psychiatrist, who appears in courts around the US to describe the level of dangerousness of a person being charged (often for murder). The book is The Gift of Fear. Since that book was written and my post, more is known about the differences between male and female psychopaths. So let me add:  Female (tango) psychopaths tend not to physically harass, harm or kill their victims, but enjoy ruining a person's reputation, getting the person ostracized from a community, and even ruining their ability to make a living.
• Kitty Litter was about the women new to tango who left tango because of vulture teachers or excellent dancers who lorded over them.  
• If not for me, then for them is a short film completed by Marco Calvise, a producer/director totally outside of the tango world.  Yet he picks up on so many aspects of the tango scene, including the "tango tomcat."  

Photo credit:  https://www.tangotouch.it

Men Dancing with Men

 

This post is for male tango dancers.  It's a letter to men.  There are many classes and forums for dual-role women. Please tell me if you know of any classes or forums that address just dual-role men.

Gentlemen, 

I am a strong believer in Ladies Only tango classes.  Doesn't it make sense that for the many of the same reasons, Gentlemen Only classes would be helpful for us?  Before reading more, ask yourself. “What is so good about ladies only classes that also would be good for same-sex classes for men”?  What is your answer? You can even stop reading, think and then perhaps also email me your answer.  I'll make a page break here and give you my email:  mark.word1@gmail.com. Think about it before I give my view.  I would love to know your opinion.  Now, read on:

If Picasso Danced Tango

 

If Picasso were a tango dancer, I am sure he would try to capture the essence of what a child feels when the music starts.  Unfortunately, in spite of his innovations in the world of art, he had a dark side, which would have been terrible for any tango community. He was known as a misogynist, mistreating multiple women in his long career.  Great artists of all kinds too often have a dark side, but I love this quote that “every child is an artist.”   I love how he brought it into the world of art.  Another thing that I would say, is that before children ever have the fine motor skills to draw or paint, babies have the ability to dance--even in the womb when the music starts. The dancing response to music is our primal humanity, and it is our summit as well, I believe.

 So thanks, Picasso, for your inspiration, but let me suggest instead:

Every child is a dancer.  

The problem is how to remain 

a dancer once we grow up.

And how does a child express their dance?

Joy.

Playfulness.

Joy and playfulness exponentially larger with a playmate.

A sense that the music dances us.  No sense of having a choice of dancing to the music, but that the music has possessed us by its magical powers.

A carefree sense that there is no right or wrong way to dance.

A sense that others not dancing must be feeling the joy I feel too. (Maybe they have been frozen by so much joy?)

A sense that boys and girls alike are free to dance.

No sense that dancing is a sin or foolish. 

No sense of being judged negatively.  Just joy and playfulness and a lack of volition when the music starts.

Let your inner child be a dancer.  

The quest is to remain 

a dancer in spite of growing up.

Ecstatic Dance versus Fun

At the Festivalito con Amigos encuentro in Germany, which is near where I live in France, I remarked to someone on the last day as we were putting on our street shoes, "I had so many ecstatic dances!" He was in disbelief. 

--"Ecstatic dances? Really?"

-- "Well," I said, "At times, I experience ecstasy in meditation. Sometimes I experience ecstasy in the simplest things in life, like the ecstasy of a good conversation.  So why wouldn't it be normal to have experiences of ecstatic dance?"  

He agreed. He recommended a book he was reading on meditation about finding ecstasy in the simple things of life. Perhaps he wouldn't have minded me saying that dancing was "so much fun" or "addicting."  Mere fun is acceptable (and often true).  "Dance is addicting" is modern parlance for "dance is sinful and wrong," as dance probably was called historically in one's culture.  Both are sad ways of expressing the beauty of dance or any means of self-expression bringing us joy.  Using words that limit, such as "fun" instead of "magical wonder,"  or are negative words, such as "addiction," dampen our experiences. "Fun" is not problematic, but is that as high as it goes to sum up a wonderful tanda or evening?

If you have grown up in a culture that only tolerates dance, but that culture has a history of being repressed (think: the US and some European nations), you might just tolerate an open embrace. In that case, saying that dance is merely fun is okay. To overcome cultural norms, being inebriated in order to enjoy dancing may help too. However, a close embrace and experiencing ecstasy is not so acceptable to many. On the other hand, in some cultures where dance is encouraged, such as in Latin America, ecstatic dance is possible, but only with your partner because of jealousy.  Sure, the experience can be ecstatic--but don't tell you partner about it! ;-)  Tell your partner merely, "It was fun today at the milonga." Just fun. It's sometimes best to self-censure to a jealous partner, but don't lie to yourself as well!

One last thing
An important key to finding these magical moments more often is by being grateful for your joyful moments of dance, and the ecstasy of many ways of self-expression in life. The simple things of life.  Through gratitude, I believe, these ecstatic moments will start appearing more frequently.  It is good to call these moments--at least to yourself--"ecstatic."  

I would love to hear your comments.

Photo credit

Can Tango Truly be an Addiction or Trauma?

 

Our life experiences are capable of bringing us joy.  But we can have a range of wonderful to tragic experiences too.

Recently a viral statement showing up on the Internet, written by two psychotherapists, claimed that tango was an addiction, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss.* (The full post is given at the bottom of this post.)  I wrote to one of the psychotherapists who told me, “No,” it was an intended exaggeration.”  If you read the viral message, you probably saw the above picture of Milo Radulovic, who also wrote to me, saying: "I think [the message] is a good reminder to not take everything for granted and to enjoy each moment of tango blessing."  What? Obviously, their intent was not to speak to some grand truth of the dangers of tango, as one reads in most of the comments of those who shared its viral message. So the real question to me is:

WHY did calling tango “addictive, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss” go viral?
Why did so many people repost a negative and false rumor about tango?  Perhaps if you or your friends found truth in the belief that tango is an addiction, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss, we all can all learn something from these strong feelings. I would say that most of us have been influenced by the modern beliefs that attempt to find addiction and trauma in nearly everything we do as human beings. 

Here are some of the trends which perhaps explain the viral post. I think you have also observed some of these trends:

1.  The general problem in modern life is misusing medical diagnoses (and especially mental health diagnoses), which are applied to everyday life.  Tango, skiing, marriage, eating food are addictive? No, these things are human activities not to be avoided because they are called "addictive." Addiction and trauma are modern poetic analogies for many human events. Poetic analogies can limit human speech when they become over-used. And that is what has happened. There are better analogies which say it well and often better.  Here are some other mind-expanding models to understand our world:  Tango (as with all things) can be understood to bring us to balance or imbalance, to a state of flow or inundation.  Tango can be inspiring or suffocating in our lives; nourishing or over-indulgence.  It can bring one social acceptance or social shunning.  Tango can give a sense of mastery or a lack of confidence; the joy of movement or the unsettling need to move.  All of these models to understand the world are better than the worn out the medical model of health versus sickness model, the trauma (wound) versus healed scar model, the fraud versus legal recourse model; the (mostly) loss versus (moderate) gains model used by the authors.  Now try using any of these recommended models and replace tango with cocaine.  Is cocaine helping you with balance, flow, inspiration, nourishing you, giving you social acceptance, healing your wounds, helping you in legal matters.  Probably not.

2.  Addiction as something good (and maybe not so bad?)
Addictions are serious and devastating.  Surely you have seen or heard about products that are advertised as being a video game that is (happily) “addictive.”  “Buy it today!  It's addicting!” Bakeries have pastries which are addictive or “orgasmic.”  I hope you know that pastries are neither addictive nor orgasmic. For those who truly fighting addictions to survive, this is a slap in the face. On the other hand, those avoiding getting help will like the misuse of the words addiction or trauma. If everyone around them seems to have “addictions”--like tango dancers and people who love chocolate, they can say, “Then my problem with cocaine cannot be that bad.”  Surely, it is not your intention to offend others or make their path to freedom from true addictions harder.  Right?

3. Blaming addictions and traumas as an escape
I have had my heart broken, had back-stabbing colleagues at work, and have had beloved activities which fizzled out. What is very concerning to me is that we can easily fall into blaming and victimhood by calling things like love or relationships “an addiction” or “a trauma.”  This allows one's experiences and perhaps obsessions and compulsions in different areas of life to become mere self-diagnoses and the object of blame for tough times in life.  It is an unfortunate decision to call tango, love, men, women, bowling, religion your “opiate,” your drug, your addiction.  (I hope you are listening, Karl Marx.) It is a catchy way of speaking, but a slap in the face to those suffering from opiate addictions. 

Tango (and many things in life) help me to experience a range of feelings from ecstasy to sorrow.  I do not need to warn beginners of the grave dangers of tango.  The authors of the viral message even recommend getting a therapist before starting tango.  That is like recommending to get a therapist before beginning the use of heroine.  For those who promulgate these poetic reflections on the dangers of tango, ask youself:  How will this harm the tango community.  Will beginners give up faster once they read about tango's dangers? Will people who have a few negative experience give up the beauty of dance because of the lengthy list of these depressive cautions against dance?  Don't we all need more positivity in our world?  Let this viral post be quietly in your immune system with T-Cell (tango cells).  :-)

May our dancing and life experiences tend towards ecstasy and happiness.  In this new year, may you not have any addictions, traumas, acts of frauds against you, or tragic losses.  If you do, I hope that a warm embrace tango community helps you through these tragedies towards triumph. 

PS:  For those interested in the scientific definition and even a research article on tango and how it is NOT an addiction, continue reading.

_________

"Argentine tango: Another behavioral addiction?"  (an NIH research article)

Because many people are sure that tango is to be blamed as addictive, below I am including a clinical article which researched the possibility that tango was another of a growing list of "behavioral addictions."  The National Institute of Health article, in my opinion, was clearly looking for something that was absurd.  Yet, the researchers found that "tango dancing could lead to dependence . . . . However, this dependence [was found to be] associated with marked and sustained positive [effects] whilst the negative [effects] are few."   In other words, it is not addictive. The clinical study found that most subjects of the study were positively impacted by tango. Cocaine use, gambling, and other things known addictive behaviors--by definition-- do not to lead to positive outcomes among those involved with addictive substances or behaviors.  

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25215199/

Diagnostic Criteria for behavior addictions:

What are the all the necessary criteria for a diagnosis of addiction?  Don't play doctor, get a professional before you self-diagnose yourself.  You must have a majority of these criteria, and especially criteria 5 and 7.  A good way to look at these criteria is to compare your relationship with those you deeply love, especially children, which is a normal "preoccupation."  You may have an inability to stop loving them, and the feeling of “withdrawal symptoms” when away from your children.

The criteria for behavioral addiction help professionals identify problematic behaviors. These criteria are outlined in the DSM-5, a manual for diagnosing mental disorders. Here are the key diagnostic criteria for behavioral addiction:

1. Preoccupation: Individuals with behavioral addiction intensely focus on engaging in the addictive behavior. They spend a significant amount of time thinking about it and planning future activities related to it.
2. Loss of control: People with behavioral addiction struggle to control their engagement in the addictive behavior. They make unsuccessful attempts to cut back or stop.
3. Withdrawal symptoms: When unable to engage in the addictive behavior, individuals with behavioral addiction may experience restlessness, irritability, and anxiety.
4. Tolerance: Over time, individuals with behavioral addiction may require more of the behavior to achieve the same level of satisfaction or pleasure. This can lead to increased engagement in the behavior.
5. Negative consequences: Behavioral addiction often results in negative consequences in relationships, work, and other areas.
6. Inability to stop: Despite recognizing the negative consequences, individuals with behavioral addiction find it challenging to stop. They feel a strong compulsion to continue, despite the harm it causes.
7. Interference with daily life: Behavioral addiction can significantly interfere with a person’s daily functioning, disrupting routines and overall well-being.

Photo credit: The man who helped the quote go viral: milo.radulovic (his Facebook page), quoting the authors, Igor Zabuta & Emma Kologrivova.  


*The original, now viral, quote:

The dark side of tango
Tango is addictive. Not on the first try, but reliably. You will need more hugs, deeper emotions from music, more warmth and intimacy to maintain dopamine and oxytocin levels. Tango withdrawal is not a joke.

Tango is a challenge and a frustration. Your inability to perform simple steps and turns will amaze you. You will spend lots of time and money to learn how to perform them more or less satisfactorily. This will not help.

Tango is a trauma. You will need the courage to present and open yourself and face rejection. No one must dance with you, and no matter how young and beautiful you are, few will invite you, since you still do not know how to dance. And if you are not young and not beautiful… Better to find yourself a good therapist in advance.

Tango will take all your time. You will start with a “try”, with lessons. But over time, you will need techniques, practices, individual lessons, workshops by the maestro, milongas, festivals, and marathons. And you’ll still feel that you are missing a lot.

Tango will take all your money. In addition to expensive festivals and seminars, you will need countless shoes (your future fetish), dresses, new travel bags, tickets to Buenos Aires and much more.
Tango is a dissatisfaction. Your ability to feel music will develop faster than your body’s ability to dance it. As a result, you’ll feel that you dance worse and worse.

Tango is a fraud. Someday you will confuse your popularity at milongas with the relations in real life. Someday you will confuse a feeling of contact, unity with a partner, and tango emotions shared with them, with true intimacy. And this warning will not help. And you will do it more than once.
Tango is a loss. 

You will lose most of your today’s friends, acquaintances and partners, there will be no time for them and there will be less and less in common between you. New ones are not granted. Your lifestyle will change (mainly to nightlife). You yourself will change: you will surely lose the ability to live the life you don’t want and do things you don’t want.

Tango is a regret. No matter how early you start, you will regret not starting earlier. And it will not pass.
Entering the tango world will destroy the beautiful dream of learning to dance tango someday. A dream will come true, and it will not be like what you imagined.

Igor Zabuta & Emma Kologrivova
dancing psychotherapists

The power of superficial relationships

This photo, taken in 2016, embodies an interesting insight from social research.  I would again meet her and become close friends. Social scientists discovered that multiple “superficial” polite relationships sometimes make people happier than those who have only a few but profound friendships.  We know that a few rude people in our day can feel terrible; so the opposite is also true:  Nice and polite people can add a glow to our day.  Some can be neighbors, people at stores we frequent, at the gym, and perhaps a regular place to dance.  Added to this phenomenon, isn't it clear that without meeting people at a superficial level, there would be no chance to add friendships that would grow closer?

The beauty and power of many small but satisfying social interactions was the opposite of what the researchers thought they would find.  There is an overall bias against informal relationships. They are called "superficial."  An informal relationship may include the person who pulls you out of a burning car.  It may be the person who was kind to you, and because of that multiple good things came of it in your day or even life. If you are in an intimate relationship now, how did it start?  Superficially?  

All relationships start out superficially.  Informal relationships give a sense of a polite and kind world. “Superficial” kindness allays fears of losing profound friendships and not being able to replace them in a cold world. Some social scientists call the coming and going of friends a "friendship caravan."  Is the caravan getting smaller and smaller as we age?  Are you building some deeper connections along the way?

If a person seeks out kind and polite relationships at any gathering, then the likelihood increases that one will build and maintain a "Caravan of Friends."  Can people join your caravan through life?  If not, that is a problem because friends will fall off one's caravan for many different reasons on the trail of life.

In tango social events, something happens that is amazing. They are different from religious gatherings, bowling clubs, and many kinds of associations.  At a milonga, one doesn't say much, but the warm embrace of tango is a powerful connection--more powerful than short, polite superficial kind interactions. Some one-time dances stick in one’s memory forever. That is not superficial. It's not a verbal connection but a physical connection through music. 

At each milonga a person has joined my caravan. The dancer may fall off or become a close friend years later. Who knows? The important thing is that the caravan keeps going.  My caravan is rolling along. If you are reading this post, you have joined me and many others. Welcome aboard.

Photo credit:  Sarah Dick, Austin, Texas

Cf. Research and observations:
Friendship Caravan:  https://lnu.diva-portal.org/smash/get/diva2:627705/FULLTEXT01.pdf

 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7887723/
The Friendship Dip:  https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-friendship-dip

Maybe tango is not Changing. You Are.

 

Is tango changing in ways you don't like? 

In my practice as a therapist, I have a new way to help people be "resilient."  The easy way to say this word is simply, "willing to change."  And the motto is, "Change more than the world around you changes."  The person who does this adapts and is resilient. 

How does this apply to maintaining your love for tango?  Simply "change more than the world around you changes."

So many people give up something because their loved activity changes.  "I don't dance anymore because __________.  Does tango need to change, or is it more about us?  Or does one really think that that the world won't change?  Either way, tango and dance are so precious, being able to adapt becomes a very important skill for any growing and vibrant human soul.

Here's an example. 

Outward change (or perception):  Let's say I say, "DJ's just don't know what they are doing anymore."
Reality:  I have gotten better at knowing the orchestras, and have danced at milongas that have had great DJ's.  I have developed and changed; not tango. But more knowledge is the easy change. My attitude and grumpiness are growing toxic, perhaps?  If so, change is needed.
Needed change in oneself:  Leaning tolerance. People are learning to be better.  Avoid being a snob.  Find the best in the music. Connect better to your partner. Be kind. Be social.  Being more of a connoisseur is the easier change. 

I can identify many things that I can change.  Why not work on them instead of worrying about the things I cannot change?

Let me introduce to you a powerful change theory that many therapists use: It's called Motivational Interviewing (MI).  MI helps change harmful behaviors, whereas advice, education, and knowledge are mostly ineffective. That is the paradox of being human:  We know something is not good for us, but cannot find it in us to stop this self-harm. We often find it worthless to castigate ourselves.  When others nag us to change our self-harm behavior may become worse.  MI helps people stop alcohol, drugs, tobacco, toxic relationships, and of course, harmful habits that are paired with dance.

Here are a few things that I need to change or in the past needed to change in my tango life:

• Complaining mentally about others whom I perceive as being rude on the dance floor.
• Mentally complaining about DJs who are not skilled.
• Dancing without drinking enough water or resting enough.
  
  Two things have changed completely:  
• Staying out late to dance during the week and suffering sleep deprivation the next day. 
• Eating unhealthy things at the milonga or drinking alcohol.

I am NOT suggesting you change anything.  :-)  Asking someone to change generally does not work for therapists, parents, teachers, and between spouses!  But nearly all of us can work on something that we want to change. Think of what you would like to change.  In my next post, I will add more info about Motivational Interviewing and how effective parents, teachers, and spouses help others to change.   You will be able to apply it to all aspects of your life.

Add comments, if you like, to identify how you changed in a way that helped you stay active as a dancing being.

______________________

The Timeless Tanda and Dopamine

 Reading time: 3 minutes

Tango helps me understand "flow."  With the help of advances in neurology, scientists are starting to map what is going on when people get into a sense of flow, also called "living in the now." Wouldn't it be interesting if scientists danced tango? I think they would better understand what it means from experience what the flow state truly feels like.

Flow, as I experience it, is the ongoing sense of well-being and joy.  Flow has us performing well and for long periods of time in such things as playing sports, playing music, dancing, or whatever brings us pleasure.  From experiencing flow in tango, being a musician and also meditating, I try to find flow even in my work, which has a lot of unnecessary paperwork. I tell myself, "Just be present!" When I do, it often leads to enhanced performance and joy--a flow state--even in things that I had been avoiding.

So what is the opposite of flow?

Addiction. It has peaks of highs followed by widened valleys of lows.

According to the neurologist and blogger Dr. Huberman, addiction is the progressive narrowing of things that give one pleasure. If he is right, I then would say that the "extreme opposite" of addiction is flow:  The progressive ability to widen the spectrum of things that give pleasure.  It is when the simple things of life give pleasure.

Unfortunately, we can pursue tango in such a way that ruins this potential of being in the flow by making our dance pleasure more and more narrowed and focused on only the highs of tango--shifting the focus of the dance to mostly external stimuli.  This makes tango take on the traits of addictive behavior.

Whatever the activity is, including yoga, sports, music, art, and dance, flow is the state in which we do not have lows and highs of dopamine in our blood. Instead, there is a higher yet moderate sine wave of dopamine release that does not go too high or too low. 

Maybe you experience the same things I do while in the "tango flow."  Tango flow happens when...

• I am dancing totally conscious of the music, totally immersed--time stands still or seems to disappear.
• I am focused on my partner and my own body's response to the music, not "performing" for those watching.
• As a part of the flow, I prepared for the event by learning and growing my ability to dance well.
• I have slept well as my desire to have my enjoyment of tango tied to well-being.
• I have enjoyed eating in a healthy way.
• I develop wonderful friendships from the world of tango.
• I avoid all activities that might take away from my health (and tango skills), such as tobacco use, too much alcohol, and drug use.
• I search for the eyes of those who enjoy dancing and truly want to dance with me and not for the purpose of showing off to the crowd.
• I participate in the larger part of dancing tango--being with friends and socializing.



Pure joy. The timeless tanda.

Luckily, flow for most people dancing tango is not at all rare!  Generally, I think that the majority of people love tango because it easily gets them into a state of flow.  We are a large proportion of tango dancers. We try to dance and time stops, or at least, our orientation to time is radically altered.  And when it is all over, we feel a glow that keeps going and going. We experience the ever-widening things that lead us to a life filled with joy.

For a scientific view of flow, read the following scientific article on the subject:  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7551835/

Photo credit and more on flow states:  https://snowbrains.com/the-brain-science-behind-flow-states/

New Year's Resolution for Self-Esteem in Tango

 

On New Year's Eve, the woman at the cash register asked if I would be doing something special for New Year's Eve.   

I said, "My wife and I are dancers. I will dance in my living room, and then go to bed at about 10pm. Vertical tango is for the day; horizontal tango is for the night." 

She laughed.  "I will tell my husband that!"  I gathered my receipt and started to leave. She called out with a big smile. "Happy New Year!"  

"Thanks, happy New Year!" I said with a wave.

I rarely go to late tango events. Especially on New Year's Eve.  I don't have to drive on the most dangerous night of the year.  It's good to take care of myself in this way. 

Also, I am working on my self-esteem.

Let me explain that.  As a therapist, I gain so much when I have an idea for a patient because I apply the idea to my own life. In my practice as a therapist, I truly practice.  Since 2018, I have noticed an epidemic of low self-esteem. It's actually a pandemic. Worldwide, suicide rates are up and low self-esteem is driving that car off the cliff.  Therapists use different techniques to help people with low self-esteem. Most interventions don't work very fast or at all. Talk, talk, talk. Something that works, I have found is really quite simple, and explains the title, "New Year's Eve and Self-Esteem":  

Operationalize self-esteem
What do people with healthy* self-esteem do?  A person who takes care of themselves more than anyone else can take better care of others.  This is the proof of self-esteem.   On the other hand, the person with low self-esteem often takes care of others, but not themselves. In my experience with patient with low self-esteem, I notice that women and girls tend to take care of others, but not themselves.  Men and boys tend to show a lack of self-esteem by acting out -- drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, driving fast, staying out late, and partying a lot.   Both men and women can do these acting-out behaviors, of course, but the one thing they really have in common is poor eating habits and not sleeping enough.  

So this is the way I show self-care as a dancer.  I prefer to go to milongas that start early.  I most often go to wonderful events all over Europe, but in order to get the most out of the weekend, I dance for hours during all the early milongas, sleep, and get up to enjoy the town I am visiting.  I may go to a later milonga, but often leave before it gets too late. Those who dance all milongas until the end will be the first to say that their feet are abused, their bodies are abused, and they are exhausted.  My dear friends tend to look exhausted too.  Why didn't I figure this out earlier?  It's ingenious!  I'm not so smart. I just learned it from a moment of inspiration to help a struggling patient.  It has changed my life. I take care of myself.  In taking care of yourself, you will be better at taking care of those under your care at work or those you love.  Dress well; eat well; sleep well; make yourself safe (driving habits for example); exercise well; be kind to yourself and others; express yourself in a kind but honest way; be present and enjoy your senses; seek wisdom; connect with your world. 

That is why vertical tango is for the day; horizontal tango is for the night.

Happy New Year.  Maybe we have here a simple but powerful resolution for next year?  Let's take even better care of ourselves? 

*Healthy self-esteem:  The anti-social person, the narcissist, the psychopath (etcetera) take care of themselves, but harm or neglect others.  

Photo credit:  Houston KPRC. 



_______________________//////////////________________________

More about self-esteem if you are interested. 
Go ahead and look up low self-esteem from Dr. Google.  Most guides and ideas are overly intellectual.  Simplify to one question:  Are you taking care of yourself?  Most self-esteem treatments are all about self-talk and belief. Go ahead and talk to yourself and build yourself up. I'm afraid that your mind will not believe all the nice things you tell yourself.  Take care of yourself first, and watch the inner dialogue change.  Would you believe others when you don''t feel taken care of but hear others say "I love you.  You are wonderful"? Talk is cheap. So why would your inner dialogue convince you to have more self-esteem? 

Here's something Dr. Google suggested to me in a graph that makes gaining self-esteem nearly impossible to the one who is struggling:

I found this at https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/low-self-esteem/  

The diagram here is all about how wrong and bad you are to yourself.  There is no solution here.  This list is mostly untouchable things and these elements are overly focused on inner beliefs.  Again, the one simple solution is "take better care of yourself better han anyone else." Those around you will learn from you (like your children).   The Golden Rule is not enough ("Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.")  For self-esteem it is reversed in what I call the Platinum Rule:  "Love and take care of yourself that you may better love and take care of others." 

A wonderful guilt trip (to get you going)**
Are you a father or a mother with low self-esteem?  Your children will inherit this stinky stuff.  So, the buck stops with us.  It's our work.  We do the work.  We take care of ourselves.  Our children then can go on with their lives without being suicidal and depressed from low self-esteem.

**Sorry about the guilt trip for now.  It's better to have guilt now than for a lifetime.   Take care of yourself!

Who is the King of the Milonga?

If you know a bit about chess, you might have noticed that the chess piece pictured above is not really the king but a pawn.  The cliché that customers are kings is simply not the best business model for many endeavors, and certainly not good for tango events.  Customers sometimes at times need to be thrown out of the store!

Tango organizers have many important social relationships, and many people to please--not just dance customers who may see themselves as all-important.  Organizers have to have good relationships with volunteers, paid staff, DJs, the building owner, neighbors, and perhaps even the city.

The organizer, just like us pawns with crowns, can only move one space at a time.  However, in chess, the king must move only one space at a time but in all directions.  Those eight directions for the king are the relationships surrounding the organizer. 

What kind of king do you have at the event you go to?  An autocrat?  Won't listen?  Or are your favorite events run by someone who listens to sound counsel all, as all good leaders do?  Are they active or passive?  

There's a"dance" of organizers with customers
My hat is off to tango event organizers.  They most often are doing what they do because they have certain organizational skills, love people, and love the dance.  How do we, as customers/dancer follow their lead?  Well, not very well if they are not good leaders.  In Buenos Aires and any well-organized milonga, organizers are checking on customers, DJs, volunteers/staff with active oversight and supervision of how things are going.  They are navigating how things should go--especially on the dance floor--and keeping things on course.  Customers want to feel safe and at home, and that takes good leadership.  Are we following a good lead?  Do we stop going to an event without even seeing if the organizer will listen to our concerns when things are not going well?

This is what I notice of events that are truly well organized--

Organizers create a sense of the feeling of home, taking care of these six basic needs: 

• Temperature:  Is it too hot or cold?  As simple as this may seem, every customer has a different "need."  But men can take on jackets if they are too cold. Women should not have to look like Eskimos so that men can wear T-shirts.  I suggest temperature changes only when I see women who are obviously too cold (usually at overly airconditioned US milongas).
• Water:  I immediately look for hydration.  I get cramps if I don't drink a lot. Can I hydrate easily and at a reasonable price (or for free)? My favorite ongoing milonga is Flores in Mannheim, Germany.  They have free water, and a nice bar if you want other drinks.
• Food:  The best milongas have either some basic goodies out or a bar that serves food for a reasonable price.  That's what hosts do. An early milonga after work, perhaps on Friday, needs something to eat.  A wise organizer charges extra if people will be coming hungry, which is better than not being aware of basic needs as a host.  Christian in Regensburg is especially keen on hosting a milonga with finger food.
• Safety (Traffic control):  Wise organizers know dance etiquette (los codigos) and redirect rouge and dangerous dancers. Also, wise organizers create a good traffic flow by having at least four entry points to the dance floor. Milonga traffic control causes less frustration and is where organizers can shine.  Customers who think of themselves as kings of the dance floor are usually the very people who need to be sent home, as is done in Buenos Aires.
• Sleep:  Paying attention to sleep is a wise business decision.  Starting earlier allows people to travel to your milonga from farther away without reserving a hotel. Organizers who advertise well in advance that the milonga starts earlier and ends earlier are astonished by how their attendance goes up. Also, more organizers are paying attention to a general public understanding of good sleep discipline and the circadian rhythm. Presently, I simply do not go to late events.  I state my preference and have helped enact huge changes in some cities. I believe if organizers would only attempt earlier times, they would see an increase in business. But change is hard for some, or even impossible because of the building contract.
• The need to communicate:  This basic need is a bit more complicated than one might think.  It has three parts:  The ability to hear at a milonga, the ability to listen by being silent, and the ability to speak. 
    > Hearing:  Could you imagine if the organizer had a single small speaker at an event and you couldn't hear well? Now, imagine being deaf as a permanent condition because of going deaf early from micro-damage from multiple events with loud music? Unfortunately, nearly every organizer I know is not taking charge of protecting the hearing of his or her customers.  A good organizer has an app that monitors decibels and requires that DJs do the same.  Constantly being over 100 decibels is harmful to hearing.  Because of passive organizers, I often wear earplugs made for DJs, but of course, I wear them because of DJs!  We shouldn't have to.
    > Listening/being silent:  Communicating social etiquette throughout life sometimes means remaining silent more than 50% of the time in order to listen before responding. The listening/silence percentage could be as much as 95% at a milonga because we are mostly listening to the orchestra--or so one would think.
    > Speaking:  In tango, we request and accept dances without talking; we don't talk while dancing; empathetic guests don't talk while standing next to the dance floor (and organizers watch for this and redirect people conversing while standing next to the dancefloor).  Is your favorite organizer actively taking care of this part of a milonga's ambiance?

Organizers are amazing people. They need your support by being fair and diplomatic about what would make their milonga or even better.   But if you do not speak up and give good counsel to your organizers, then their precious event may slowly die out.  They need our help.

Please add other ideas in the comments or email me at mark.word1@gmail.com if you have trouble making a comment. 

Photo credit: Great photo of chess board.  Please read the excellent article, challenging "the customer is king" myth."

Buy Some Tango Burnout Insurance

 

Burnout Insurance.  I suggest buying some tango burnout insurance. There are only two steps. First, assess how much you value tango. Step two, figure out at least the most likely risks of giving up because of tango burnout.

1.  Assessing the value of dance:  Even if tango-burnout insurance would cost a lot (it doesn't), it would be worth every bit of money and energy needed to buy it. The valuation I give dance is "PRICELESS." Dancing contains my humanity as a dancing, social animal. That is what all humans are. I feel fully alive when I dance. As babies, music made you and me dance even in our cribs without instruction before we could speak, before we could do math or make tools, and all other uniquely human things. The assessment for me is now over.  I need insurance for something invaluable. Now, step two. . . .

2. The main risks of dance burnout:  Make your own list.  The below risk list are the things that would burn me out. 

• Over-use:  Dancing too much causes bodily problems, and looks like an obsession (some call it an addiction). I learned this as an iron-distance triathlete. I saw too many burned-out and broken athletes from an accumulation of undetected "micro-injuries." Athletes and dancers burn out when they become obsessed with events and over-training. Obsessions and addictions too often end badly.
  
  
• Not getting enough sleep:  Burnout is sometimes 100% somatic, not psychological! In the past, I even felt burned out at work from tango-induced sleep deprivation. Even our beloved passion can follow if we aren't careful. The body's immune system is degraded as much as 50% after not getting enough sleep after just one night at a 3-day event. The second and third days of a weekend event create a health risk for those who are not sleeping enough. I continue dancing in a post-pandemic world because social contact makes our immune system stronger--but only when we sleep enough.
   
• Being a complainer:  I am working on not being a complainer.  The best way to practice this is in two parts.  Accept the things which I cannot change (most everything), and change those things that I can.
    > I used to complain about the DJ playing too much D'Arienzo (for example); now we make a list of DJ's to avoid.
    > Or I would complain that the music was constantly over 100 decibels; so I now wear expensive earplugs.
    >Or I would complain about crazy-ass floorcraft, or too many women sitting, or people at all levels of experience who don't know basic tango etiquette. So now I go to encuentros mostly.
    >Or complain that I didn't get accepted into an encuentro. (And I have done this.) Go to a milonga and dance with all those who are not being invited. I have found some of my favorite dancers this way. It's humbling. Secondly, go register for another encuentro.
  So don't burn yourself out.  There will always be something to complain about, even the weather in heaven.  Everyone has a very different list. But I realize that incessant complaining leads to burnout too. This is the main burn-out risk for me--being a complainer. So I have made this my spiritual path that I be more tolerant when I must live with things just the way they are.
  
  
• Getting too old ("I am getting too old for this shit"):  The body gets old and death is the ultimate burnout. Some people, however, dance until they die.  This is what I am planning to do; so I dance alone every day. Let's say it is too hard for me to drive a long way to a milonga. Let's say one day I decide not to go to milonga anymore because the tangueras are now 213 centimeters tall on average (7 feet), or whatever the excuse. Dance is dance--alone or with others. I used to get up and walk at least a little every hour.  Now instead, I get up regularly from my desk and dance instead of merely walking around. This is my very best Tango Burnout Insurance.  So I highly recommend, for example, playing a Canaro milonga* (given below) and dancing in your office or kitchen. I am already getting lots of practice and ideas while dancing alone just for the pure joy of it.

So many before me have burned out and disappeared from the tango scene. I run into them at the grocery store, and they tell me, "There is more to life than tango." I want to say,  "You don't miss pure, ecstatic childlike joy?"  I am pretty certain they did not think they needed Tango Burnout Insurance.  Look around.  People die burned out, unhappy, and without any passion because of this failure to assess what is important in life. I remember as a teen, my parents would say every once in a while that their wish was to die with their boots on. My parents stayed active until they died "with their boots on." But I do not wish to follow in their boots.  I hope to be wearing dance shoes.

Photo credit:  Peter Neumeier.  Sybille and Mark in heaven without dying.
Esmeraldas Encuentro, Austria Germany 2022.

*Grab a broom and dance.

The Dancer who was Raised as a Dog

In the book, "The Boy who was Raised as a Dog," I learned more about the neurological effects of neglect on children's brains as seen by MRI's.  I think it has an underlying message for dancers.

The author found that one of the ways to help neglected and abused children was through rhythm and music therapy.  I wonder how many of us are finding tango as a way to help us better live in the world.  Could it be?  Read on.

The book made me wonder how many of us were raised as a dog--if not by parents then perhaps years of often neglectful and abusive education.  We learn to sit in rows and raise our paw before barking out what we hope is the right answer.  In some countries now or in earlier times, many of us "dogs" have been beaten for getting answers wrong or misbehaving.  We often are unsafe at school or in our dangerous neighborhoods.  Also, certain cultures wean us from dancing and touching and playing.  Howling (singing) is often forbidden or shamed for those of us raised as a dog.  

Dr. Bruce Perry dedicated his life to helping neglected and abused children. He took MRI pictures of their brains.  Areas of their limbic brain, the emotional center of the brain, were missing or underdeveloped.  Spinal fluid filled in the space where brain matter should have been.  As a result, some children grow up to have no feelings of remorse and can be very dangerous sociopaths as teens or adults.  As a dancer and therapist, I was fascinated by therapies that work for neglected children.  Dr. Bruce Perry, came up with several techniques, or treatment modalities to help these neglected children develop their brains to have a more fulfilling life.   Behavioralists and psychotherapists were against his ideas at first. Their therapies, however, don't work.  Perry's do.

Some of these may speak to your experience.  How has tango changed your life, and why are you drawn to tango?

Is tango your "therapy" to deal with the past and present in your life?

I can say "yes" to these questions for myself.   Perhaps I was not truly neglected, but I really love the nearness of tango, the social interaction, the music, and touch.  As a baby I was the last of six children.  Especially when my siblings were off to school, perhaps I was a bit lonely and neglected with a very busy mother and a distant father who was often on the road as a bus driver. I remember being three years only and discovering parts of the neighborhood that were around 300 meters away.  That was just too far for an urban neighborhood.  Being so far away from home as a three-year-old child would have been a case of neglect with today's standards.  I was alone when I went out and discovered the world like this.  So perhaps I have been drawn to a few things that Dr. Perry uses for neglected and stimuli-seeking children, 

Let me present some of the treatment modalities that make huge differences for children who may have grown up in an orphanage, for example:

• Connection with other peers in spite of serious by parents or caregivers. 
  Do we seek social interaction around tango to help fill that gap we feel?  Children who had this connection with siblings who even lived in cages with other children have the best chance to lead a normal life compared to children who were raised absolutely alone.  Dr. Perry watched how some of these little patients developed their own language to communicate with other children.  That helped, but he had a lot to do to help them.
  
  
• Quality time and touch.  
  Perhaps you have heard of "failure to thrive."  I once worked with a child and her parents right now.  The mother would binge on alcohol and have blackouts.  The child would cry and cry during mom's inebriated "vacations."  Failure to thrive is a term that pediatricians and therapists use to describe a child who is neglected can even die.  My little patient had a skull size that was larger than her peers at birth, but at around the 9-month mark, her cranial size was alarmingly under her peers.  She eventually gained weight.  Her father was allowed to stay home from work to make sure that his wife was not drinking and to give the baby a lot more stimuli. Babies need skin on skin, and need to be rocked.  They need the rhythm of language and music even if they don't understand.    Dr. Perry writes:  "Preemies who received ... gentle massage went home from the hospital almost a week earlier on average.  In older children and adults massage has also been found to lower blood pressure, fight depression, and cut stress by reducing the number of stress hormones released by the brain." We all have a little child inside of us who needs the same things babies need.
• Rhythm therapy. 
  Are you taking a musicality class?   Consider that therapy.  Even elephants, seals, monkeys, and birds can learn to walk on the beat.  Musicality shows you to choose different lines to dance--the "compass" (basic beat), the bass line, the strings, or the melody. Perry says, "It may seem odd, but rhythm is extraordinarily important.  If our bodies cannot keep the most fundamental rhythm of life--the heartbeat--we cannot survive. . . . Numerous hormones are rhythmically regulated as well. . . . The brain doesn't just keep one beat: it has many drums, which must all synchronize not only with the patters of the day and night. . . . Disturbances of the brain's rhythm-keeping regions are often causes of depression and other psychiatric disorders."  Dr. Perry noted that the awkward gait of a child disappears.  They have a better rhythm in conversation--although they can have really good intellectual and cognitive skills, they learn to be less odd, less nerdy.  

I wonder if we are all a bit neglected in some way--maybe it was by our parents, or by the lack of siblings or friends, or the cold culture we grew up in with its fear of human touch, or more recently, the phobia of illness via touch,   But now as adults, we should make up for any neglect by taking care of ourselves in safe ways.  What I am suggesting here is what works for the neglected child within: Human touch and rhythm.

If you have been reading my blog, you may have often wondered if I overstate the importance of therapeutic dance in your life.  After reading Perry's book, "The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog," I think that on the contrary:  I have greatly underestimated the importance of therapeutic dance for 14 years of writing this blog. 

Tango Intercourse?

 
The majority of those who read my blog are not native English speakers.  Because of this, many may have looked up the word "intercourse," not knowing what it could mean. 

For native speakers, this word often does not mean "conversation."  "Intercourse" means in your dictionary, dear native speakers, "conversation."  In the middle of the 1800's, someone coined the term "sexual intercourse."  Cute. It took a century, but by the 1950s, "intercourse" without "sexual" being added started to mean "sex."  Why?  Because most people probably knew that the analogy was a poor choice of words to express sexual intimacy. Sure, sex may be like a conversation to some folks--even a great conversation.  But I feel sorry for these people.

Tango can seem like a conversation to some (tango intercourse)--even a great conversation.  I feel sorry for those people too.

I'm not going to say anything more about sex here.  

I just want to say that tango is in no way a conversation for anybody--in spite of what your tango teacher says. Tango is an ecstatic dance between people that is so complex, that it is diminished greatly by calling it a conversation.  As complex as a conversation can be, tango is far more complex.

Words often limit how we understand our experience. This is what has happened by likening tango to being a "conversation" or even, let's say, "intercourse."

Wouldn't you agree that a good conversation happens when one or more people actively listen while a single person other actively talks/expresses her or himself? Taking turns is key for good conversationalists. That doesn't describe tango.  Tango is not trading off roles of listening and expressing. Moreover, this description of tango as "conversation" mostly by tango teachers confuses their students.

However, if you still say tango is a conversation between two people . . . . . . Ask yourself about the last time you sat down and conversed with someone during which you felt ecstatically united and connected with their feelings. It does happen in conversations, but I am afraid it is all too rare. Yet, an ecstatic connection happens all the time in tango.

. . . Ask yourself about the last time you had progressive conversations at a party that seemed to build on each other. But at milongas, progressive interactions build on each other. One tanda after another can be magical at events that balance the genders or roles.

. . . Finally, ask yourself the last time you turned up the music so you could converse better. And this last question brings us to the most salient reason why tango is not a "conversation":

We dance while music is playing. Music is never "distracting" the dancers simply because it's La Musica who is the one talking. We respond in silence. My partner and I are both listening to the one talking--the music. All the diads on the dancefloor are doing the same. Our bodies are reacting mostly without any thought. To me, it feels like the music is making us all dance.

Indeed, I do "listen" to how my partner hears the music, and there is a type of millisecond back-and-forth. However, unlike conversations, one is never in a special role of listening for one moment and expressing the next moment. These are concurrent energies. If you still insist that tango is a conversation or even like a conversation, please write a book about your ecstatic conversations and how to regularly have them! We are all waiting for your best-seller book!

My connection in tango is a tandem experience of the music overcoming me and my partner for the most sustained ecstatic moments in my life. Even being a musician in ecstasy on stage, a windsurfer in ecstasy on the water, a snowboarder in ecstasy on the slope, a meditator in ecstasy before the divine, or a lover in ecstasy with my partner--these were never "conversations"; so why would tango be? If tango is a conversation or even like a conversation for others, I can accept that. 

That's just not my experience.

Photo credit: Christian Beyreuther, photographer and organizer, at his encuentro near Regensburg, Germany, May 2022.