Tango GOLF: A Lifeline for Young Men in a Changing World
Tango GOLF (Gentlemen Only Learning to Follow) responds to the myriad "ladies only" tango classes worldwide. Men, too, need to learn how to dance both roles, but for profoundly different reasons that reflect huge shifts occurring in the world. Experienced male dancers need to change two things, in my opinion. One, give up on competing with younger men. They need mentorship for the survival of the future tango community. Number two, become a model for what they need to do to survive in tango in the new century: Learn both roles. This, my friends, is a return to the roots of Argentine tango: Men mentoring men.
Perhaps you have noticed the great changes in role fluidity from the perspective of sociologists. Women have finally made strides in many areas of life, but at the same time, younger women have not just caught up—they are now passing men and leaving them behind in several key metrics. This educational and professional reversal is contributing to what sociologists are calling the "Mating Market Mismatch" and "Male Social Disengagement."
The Crisis of Male Social Disengagement
Sociologists are not reporting on the small niche of tango, but they are voicing increasing concern that young men are finding it very hard to have intimate relationships with women, even just an old-fashioned human connection with their female peers.
The data is startling: Young women are now the majority of people graduating from college, and the disparity is now wider against men than it was against women before Title IX was enacted in 1972 in the US to help women enter college. In some specialized fields, the shift is extreme: approximately 90% of psychologists under 30 are women.
As women achieve higher educational and professional status, their dating preferences become highly selective. Check out dating apps: younger women now consistently seek partners who are taller, richer, and often older than they are. Many young men cannot meet these prerequisites for a date with their female peers. Consequently, younger men remain unwilling virgins for a much longer time than past generations.
When young men fail to meet these cultural markers of masculine success (professional, romantic, or financial), they often internalize the failure and retreat. This retreat feeds into the toxic cycle of online withdrawal and resentment, where isolation and gaming replace face-to-face interaction.
The "Walk Away From Tango" Moment
This sociological crisis is playing out on the milonga floor.
Earlier, a young man taking up tango would eventually show up at a milonga and feel overwhelmed by the effort required to master the lead role. Now, double that pressure. He arrives to find that both men and women can lead wonderfully.
If he sees his female peers dancing the traditional lead role with skill and confidence, he might conclude the effort is pointless. He might walk away. If he does, it will be just another failure to break away from toxic internet dialogues, decrying how he cannot compete with established, older men. This withdrawal reinforces the social isolation that is damaging the mental health and well-being of young men globally.
The Hypergamous Trap on the Dance Floor
I see more and more young women coming into tango dancing, mostly with other women. In a recent encuentro, I saw women under 30 rarely dancing with a man. Second, on the 30-and-under women's preference list are elite male dancers, and finally, any man within their dating range. That means the new generation of women will start excluding not only younger men, but also older men who are there not for dating but just want to dance. Older women, too, are tired of sitting and waiting for a dance with a man. The gender gap is only growing wider, and older, experienced dancers are tired of waiting for a dance; so they are going to LOMF (ladies only, men forbidden) tango workshops. They, too, are now leading. This is why I learned to follow. I started following my wife and mentoring her to be a leader. Now, she rarely dances with a man at some milongas. The men, she says, are doing a bunch of figures, are blowing through the musical phrases like a driver running stop signs--missing wonderful opportunities to be musically aware with their partners. This is another reason Tango GOLF is needed for many "experienced" men. There is much to be learned by knowing what it feels like to be led by a dancer with sensitivities to both roles.
The feminization of tango is neither good nor bad—it's simply a description of what changes are happening in the larger society and in the dance. It is becoming obvious that especially younger men need to learn both roles to survive in the new world of tango.
Tango GOLF as a Social Intervention
Tango GOLF is the necessary intervention. My plan is to get men together to learn the so-called following role, just as men learned together in Argentina when the country had few women. For profoundly different reasons, tango has come full circle.
The core of Tango GOLF is not just about mastering the other role; it is about re-establishing positive male-to-male mentorship and creating a safe, low-pressure social environment.
Building Confidence in a Safe Space: GOLF creates a space for young men to socialize, seek guidance, and build self-esteem in a positive setting, countering the negative isolation seen in the wider culture. They learn to follow first, experiencing what it feels like to be led well, before having to face the high-pressure demands of the lead role at a milonga.
Developing New Masculinity: For me, learning the following role forced a totally different perspective on life. It is a lesson in empathy, presence, and non-defensive communication—skills that sociologists argue young men desperately need to succeed in modern relationships.
The Survival Skill: Learning both roles is a path to survival and growth. At modern milongas, a man who can dance both roles will dance nearly every tanda. You will get dances because the modern woman may want to lead at least two of the four songs of a tanda, and you will be ready to follow.
We must help young men brave the sandtraps and water obstacles keeping beginner dancers from successful dancing. The first step is to give them a place where failure is just learning, and where success is defined by connection, empathy, and growth—not competition. Your local Tango G.O.L.F. is that place.
Post Script: If you have a boy or young man whom you love, you may be interested in the data behind this blog post. Once minorities become majorities, they have the risk of forgetting what it was like to be a minority. There is no new Title IX to help young men, nor interest from those who were once left out. If these statistics below are a surprise to you, it is because there is no social awareness or concern for a new minority. And the reason for not caring is something like the age-old way of keeping minorities down: "They deserve it." "It is their fault." "Tough luck for them; let them suffer like we did." The darker phenomenon of this mentality extends to those who once suffered genocide, becoming those who commit genocide. Here is our new minority, unseen and unheard: Young men.
👩⚕️ Healthcare and Therapy
Many health and care-related fields, which were historically often male at the top (doctors/surgeons) but mixed or female-dominated in support roles, have seen a substantial feminization across the board, particularly at the practitioner level.
Veterinarians: Women have been the majority of veterinary school graduates for decades, leading to a female majority in the profession.
Pharmacists: Women make up over 60% of the pharmacy workforce in some regions, with the trend for pharmacy school graduates even higher.
Physician Assistants (PAs) and Nurse Practitioners (NPs): These roles, which involve advanced clinical practice, are overwhelmingly female-dominated.
For example, Nurse Practitioners are often over 85% women. Physical and Occupational Therapists: These fields are strongly female-dominated, with Occupational Therapists often being over 85% women.
🍎 Education and Law
Fields requiring advanced degrees have also seen major shifts, driven by women earning a majority of bachelor's and master's degrees for several decades.
Lawyers/Legal Occupations: Women have been earning a majority of law degrees in the U.S. for some time. While the overall population of lawyers is still closer to a 60/40 male-female split (due to older, established professionals), the percentage of younger lawyers and legal professionals entering the field is much closer to parity, with women often being the majority in graduating classes.
Elementary and Middle School Teachers: This has long been a female-dominated field, with percentages often around 80% female.
The discussion here is less about men losing dominance and more about the historical continuation of female dominance in a non-high-paying professional field.
💼 Business and Management Support
Even within the corporate structure, certain professional and administrative roles have become predominantly female.
Human Resources (HR) Managers: Women make up a strong majority of HR professionals and managers, often around 70-75% in management roles.
Marketing Managers: Women frequently outnumber men in this field, often around 60% or more.
Accountants and Auditors: The gender balance is shifting here, moving closer to parity (around 50/50), which is a major change from a historically male-dominated, high-status business profession.
Gender Reversal in U.S. College Graduates (true in Europe too)
The shift in college graduation rates in the U.S. represents a dramatic gender reversal, moving from a historical gap that disadvantaged women to a new one that now disadvantages men.
1. The Disparity Before Title IX (Early 1970s)
Before the passage of Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, which banned sex-based discrimination in any federally funded education program, men dominated higher education enrollment and completion.
Gender Gap: Around 1972, there was an approximate 12-percentage-point gap in the proportion of bachelor's degrees awarded, with men receiving the majority.
Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (1970):
Men: Approximately 60% of all undergraduates enrolled.
Women: Approximately 40% of all undergraduates enrolled.
Barriers: Women faced high barriers, including explicit or implicit quotas in graduate schools (like law and medicine), higher admission standards for female applicants, and fewer opportunities in high-earning fields.
2. The New Disparity Today (Post-2000s)
The gender gap began to reverse in the mid-1980s, and it has since widened to a degree that is now larger than the original gap, but in the opposite direction.
Gender Gap: By 2019, the gender gap in bachelor's degrees awarded was wider, at about 14 percentage points, favoring women.
Bachelor's Degrees Awarded (Recent Data):
For every 100 women who received a bachelor's degree in the 2018-2019 academic year, only about 74 men did.
Women earned approximately 57-58% of all bachelor's degrees annually.
Enrollment Rate (Ages 25-29, Recent):
In 2022, 44% of women in the 25-29 age group had completed a bachelor's degree or higher, compared to only 35% of men.
Enrollment: Men now make up a smaller share of enrolled students than ever before, accounting for about 41% of students enrolled in U.S. postsecondary institutions in fall 2020.
This shift is driven by men having lower high school graduation rates, lower enrollment rates, and lower completion rates after enrolling.
The Disparity Change in Europe and Latin America
The trend of women increasingly surpassing men in tertiary (college/university) education is a global phenomenon, and both Europe and Latin America reflect this change.
European Countries
In the European Union, the gender gap in tertiary education has also reversed to favor women, though the size of the gap varies by country.
Overall Trend: The share of women and men graduating from university has increased steadily, but the growth rate has been faster for women.
Recent Attainment (Ages 15-64, 2023):
Women: 34% of citizens had finished tertiary education.
Men: 28% of citizens had finished tertiary education.
EU 2020 Target (Ages 30-34): The EU achieved its tertiary education target for women (46%) but fell short for men (36%).
Largest Gaps: Countries like Estonia (17 percentage points) and Latvia (14 percentage points) showed some of the largest gaps favoring women tertiary graduates.
Conversely, a few countries like Germany, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands still had small gaps favoring men, though these are the exceptions to the general EU trend.
Latin American Countries
Latin America and the Caribbean have made extremely significant progress and now rank highly in the world for gender parity in higher education.
Overall Trend: The region's gender gap in higher education began to inverse around 1993.
Recent Enrollment: More than 6 out of 10 women in Latin America and the Caribbean attend college, compared to less than half of men.
Historical Context: In 1970, only about 5% of women in the region were educated beyond secondary school, highlighting the massive scale of the change.
Parity: Many countries in the region have effectively closed the gender gap in tertiary education, with women now achieving higher average years of schooling than their male counterparts. However, disparities can still exist among specific groups, such as indigenous communities in countries like Guatemala and Bolivia.
In summary, the transition from a male-dominated education system to a female-majority one is consistent across the U.S., Europe, and Latin America, demonstrating a major global shift in educational attainment.
This is a critical area of sociological and psychological analysis today, representing a complex interaction between shifting female autonomy, traditional mating preferences, and the pressure on young men.
The trends of rising male virginity/sexlessness and strong female preferences for taller, richer, and older partners are converging to create significant pressures on young men, impacting their mental health, self-esteem, and social behavior.
📈 The Rise of Involuntary Male Virginity/Sexlessness
Data from various countries, including the U.S., suggest that the proportion of young adults (particularly men in their 20s and early 30s) who are not sexually active or are virgins has increased. While women are also experiencing a rise in sexlessness, the issue for men is often framed as involuntary celibacy, or the state of being an unwilling virgin, which carries unique social and psychological burdens.
Impact on Young Men: Mental Health and Identity
The primary impact is on mental health and self-identity. For many men, sexual and romantic success is still closely tied to the traditional standard of masculinity and self-worth. When they fail to meet this standard, the effects can be severe:
Shame and Anxiety: The "Standard Virginity Loss Narrative" dictates that men must lose their virginity by a certain age (often early 20s). Failing to meet this arbitrary standard leads to intense shame, anxiety, and the fear of being "outed" as a virgin, which becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of social withdrawal and isolation.
Feeling "Defective" or "Unworthy": Many men in this situation describe feeling "broken," "defective," or "unworthy" of a relationship. Sex moves from being something enjoyable to a massive, intimidating milestone that casts a shadow over their entire identity.
Resentment and Blame: This frustration can lead to two opposing reactions:
Self-Blame: Internalizing the failure, leading to increased depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
External Blame: Developing bitterness and resentment toward the opposite sex, often expressed in toxic online communities (like incel groups), which reinforces negative social behaviors and further isolates them.
Reduced Socialization: Contributing factors to this rise are social changes like increased screen time (internet, gaming), reduced participation in traditional social organizations, higher rates of mental health concerns (anxiety/depression), and the financial inability to live independently (which is a major de facto barrier to sex/dating).
💎 The Hypergamous Trap: Taller, Richer, Older
The difficulties faced by many young men are amplified by the persistence of hypergamous preferences in dating and mating markets—the sociological tendency (traditionally by women) to choose a partner with higher socioeconomic status, resources, or social rank than themselves.
In the modern dating market, which is increasingly mediated by online apps that create an environment of massive choice, women's preferences for partners who are taller, richer (or high-earning potential), and often older become highly salient.
Impact on Young Men: Competition and Desirability
This dynamic creates an extreme competition gradient that particularly disadvantages younger men who are still establishing themselves.
Socioeconomic Squeeze (Richer/Older):
Young women today are the most highly educated generation in history and are increasingly financially independent. This raises the baseline status a woman expects in a male partner.
A young man fresh out of college or navigating the gig economy is often financially precarious, struggling with student debt, and living with parents—the exact opposite of the "provider" status many women desire.
This forces young men into direct competition with older, established men (who are financially secure and often taller), who are also pursuing young women, creating an incredibly steep barrier for younger men at the lower end of the income/career-trajectory distribution.
Physical Criterion (Taller):
Sociological studies confirm that the preference for a taller man is a strong, consistent, and global preference among women, often linked to evolutionary cues of dominance, protection, and social status.
Men are more likely to be dissatisfied with their own height than women, indicating that they are highly aware of this external preference and the way it affects their desirability. This preference acts as a non-negotiable filter on dating apps and in social settings, excluding men of average or short stature regardless of other positive qualities.
The Exchange Dynamic:
Sociologically, the mating market involves an exchange: Men traditionally offer status/resources, and women offer youth/attractiveness.
In the current environment, young men often lack the resources/status to make this exchange, while young women often possess the educational status and youth/attractiveness that older, richer men desire, creating a "mating market mismatch" that leaves a significant number of young men feeling excluded and inadequate.
These trends paint a picture of rising psychological stress and social isolation for a cohort of young men who are struggling to adapt to a dating market where female choice has become highly selective, largely divorced from traditional economic necessity, and focused on traits that take time and money (status/wealth) or are unchangeable (height).
Photo credit and statistics: Gemini.
