The Orchestra of Dancers

The music starts. 

It moves me and others to stand and join the orchestra.  

I feel the music pulsing in my body.  Urging me.

A mere touch of my hand, and the power of the music transfers to her.

We move in tandem as if we have known each other since the start of time.

We join the orchestra at its every turn and phrase.

How does the music play me, make me, make us, move like this?

I feel as if I know the music as much as the orchestra does. 

Or is it that music knows us to the depths of our humanity, the dancing animal?

It cannot get any better than this . . . until it does.  

Now those around us are just as much a part of us as the orchestra is. 

We are now an organism coming to life on this small clod of dirt, spinning around an insignificant star in an insignificant galaxy.

This is my greatest moment when I dance in tandem with the orchestra and those with whom the music has possessed so completely . . .

When suddenly the Milky Way becomes a significant galaxy . . .

Our star, especially brilliant . . .

And this clod of dirt, the most welcoming place for a dance floor in the universe.

Note:  Musicality is not a skill.  It is yielding to the power of music.  Being possessed to the bone by who you are at your purest humanity.  Music knows you, and will guide you to know yourself. 

Appropriate Touch in Tango

Let me tell you about a few very memorable, surprising moments when I first started dancing. You tell me if you think they were appropriate:

I was in Boston.  A dance partner snuggled up to me, putting her vulva firmly against my right leg.  She bent her torso backwards, and off we went on a foxtrot promenade.  I'll be honest: That shook me up.  This, she told me later, was the International Ballroom definition of connection.  I thought that I knew the foxtrot, but not like that!  Many years later, I learned Argentine tango.  At that time I was an experienced salsa, merengue, and bachata dancer. I was at a Latin bar in El Paso, Texas. The young lady made the same kind of connection as described above while dancing the Bachata.  This second dancer and dance, the bachata, were from the Dominican Republic.  Neither of the women above asked me for permission.

I cannot suggest what appropriate touch is for you because each person is different, and each culture is different. Some behavior is truly inappropriate as judged from a multicultural perspective.*  This post, however, focuses on norms for certain dances and their country of origins. In other words, some dances define “appropriate touch” differently.

There is also one's own personal experiences which define what is appropriate. My family were huggers, which would be awkward and even inappropriate in some families. Where I live now in France, friends and family--both male and female--greet me with an “air kiss” on each cheek, but also in France I am not to hug them--unless, of course, they dance tango. What does this all mean?  “Appropriate touch,” cannot be defined by one group of people.  The countries I have lived in (Mexico, Egypt, Germany, and France)--all have influenced me differently to practice what body and verbal language I use.  Yet, monocultural and monolingual people around me--especially in America--want to legislate what they define as being “appropriate discourse” and “appropriate touch." This is nothing more than an extension of believing that American culture is the center of the universe.

Morality Police in Action
I bring up this subject because of all the drama I saw about “appropriate touch” in Austin, Texas.  More specifically, we are talking about a close embrace here.  I haven't seen the same issue in Europe. Before the first of two times I lived in Austin, the tango community had already started with people learning tango and going to Argentina.  They eventually brought back Argentine teachers to Texas.  However, in 2019 the community was reeling from some fairly young “influencers” who wished to use their kink community norms and apply these ideas to Argentine tango. In the kink community, asking for permission is the norm.  Asking if a milonguero embrace is acceptable would be like asking if I can make some turns in salsa. Austin, a once very open and loving tango community, was poisoned--for a few years--by this notion of what others felt was appropriate or not appropriate touch. But the problem still continues all across the US.

One thing I would recommend to monocultural/monolingual people or those damaged by their trauma history is you not attempt to change a dance or tell what other cultures should do to meet your needs.  Take up some other thing, like playing cards, or just stay at home.  You are the monarch of your own castle that way. However, if you stay with tango and dance with safe and caring people, trauma histories can be addressed organically by facing your fears.  It's called exposure therapy.  The trick is to find the right people and the right community.  I suggest working with a trained therapist, especially if they are dancers.

In Austin, they had a meeting to decide who was naughty or nice.  One member of the kink community told others that I might be a “perpetrator” because unlike most, I was dancing in a close embrace.  An older Argentine couple came to my defense.  They told her that the way I dance is a normal milonguero style.  One of my favorite partners, who had spent a lot of time in Argentina, was accosted verbally by the same upholder against close embraces.  The “upholder” told this marvelous tango dancer that she was a bad example for the community because of her close embrace!  My friend replied simply, “Go fuck off!”  I have been trying to think of a more appropriate way of responding, but so far, the words just don't come to me. She and I did just fine fending of these influencers, but another person was totally ostracized and shammed.  Was he truly so inappropriate or was it that he was brown, poor, a sensitive musician, and struggling? My wife and I, newly returning to Austin from years in Europe, did not attend the Austin Festival that year, and instead found warm embraces in Salt Lake City's tango encuentro.  Imagine that, leaving Austin to go to Salt Lake City to escape the prudes!

Cultural Appropriation 
In tango, asking for consent for a normal embrace for social tango is like asking swimmers at a public pool if you can get in the water with them. What is happening in tango in certain communities is simply “cultural appropriation”--taking a tradition and way of being from one country, calling it the same name in one's own country but insisting on transforming it into something quite different.  Arthur Murry Studios did exactly this with Argentine tango.  The cultural appropriate of tango in this case has created a dance that is strange and even horrifying for most Argentine tango dancers to watch.  Here's the test if your community has culturally appropriated tango: Does tango in your community look like how it is danced in Argentina?  No?  C.A. 

If you are going to dance “Argentine” tango, it's best that you know what touch means at the source of this wonderful dance.  But if you wish to dance American tango or European Ballroom Tango, please go to a dance studio to learn an adapted style of tango.  Warning: Once you are at the gold or platinum level, you will join your partner at the hips and bend away from each other at the torso.  Have fun with that. That's all “inappropriate” stuff for authentic Argentine tango.  

For me, appropriate touch is a warm embrace as if you love and respect that person and accept them the way they are.  That says it well for Argentine tango's touch in just a few words.   I recommend this sort of touch as the appropriate touch for a milonga.

This blog has addressed real issues with inappropriate behavior at the milonga. Austin never really confronted "outstanding, white members" of their community that could have fit into some of the descriptions in the following blog posts I have written about truly inappropriate behavior.

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* Regarding truly inappropriate behavior (extra reading):

• Heartbreak Milonga and the Tango Tomcat is my translation from the German about inappropriate behavior at milongas.
• Tango Psychopaths refers to a book, given to me by a forensic psychiatrist, who appears in courts around the US to describe the level of dangerousness of a person being charged (often for murder). The book is The Gift of Fear. Since that book was written and my post, more is known about the differences between male and female psychopaths. So let me add:  Female (tango) psychopaths tend not to physically harass, harm or kill their victims, but enjoy ruining a person's reputation, getting the person ostracized from a community, and even ruining their ability to make a living.
• Kitty Litter was about the women new to tango who left tango because of vulture teachers or excellent dancers who lorded over them.  
• If not for me, then for them is a short film completed by Marco Calvise, a producer/director totally outside of the tango world.  Yet he picks up on so many aspects of the tango scene, including the "tango tomcat."  

Photo credit:  https://www.tangotouch.it

Men Dancing with Men

 

This post is for male tango dancers.  It's a letter to men.  There are many classes and forums for dual-role women. Please tell me if you know of any classes or forums that address just the dual-role men.

Gentlemen, 

I am a strong believer in Ladies Only tango classes.  Doesn't it make sense that for the many of the same reasons, Gentlemen Only classes would be helpful for us?  Before reading more, ask yourself. “What is so good about ladies only classes that also would be good for same-sex classes for men”?  What is your answer? You can even stop reading, think and then perhaps also email me your answer.  I'll make a page break here and give you my email:  mark.word1@gmail.com. Think about it before I give my view.  I would love to know your opinion.  Now, read on:

If Picasso Danced Tango

 

If Picasso were a tango dancer, I am sure he would try to capture the essence of what a child feels when the music starts.  Unfortunately, in spite of his innovations in the world of art, he had a dark side, which would have been terrible for any tango community. He was known as a misogynist, mistreating multiple women in his long career.  Great artists of all kinds too often have a dark side, but I love this quote that “every child is an artist.”   I love how he brought it into the world of art.  Another thing that I would say, is that before children ever have the fine motor skills to draw or paint, babies have the ability to dance--even in the womb when the music starts. The dancing response to music is our primal humanity, and it is our summit as well, I believe.

 So thanks, Picasso, for your inspiration, but let me suggest instead:

Every child is a dancer.  

The problem is how to remain 

a dancer once we grow up.

And how does a child express their dance?

Joy.

Playfulness.

Joy and playfulness exponentially larger with a playmate.

A sense that the music dances us.  No sense of having a choice of dancing to the music, but that the music has possessed us by its magical powers.

A carefree sense that there is no right or wrong way to dance.

A sense that others not dancing must be feeling the joy I feel too. (Maybe they have been frozen by so much joy?)

A sense that boys and girls alike are free to dance.

No sense that dancing is a sin or foolish. 

No sense of being judged negatively.  Just joy and playfulness and a lack of volition when the music starts.

Let your inner child be a dancer.  

The quest is to remain 

a dancer in spite of growing up.

Ecstatic Dance versus Fun

At the Festivalito con Amigos encuentro in Germany, which is near where I live in France, I remarked to someone on the last day as we were putting on our street shoes, "I had so many ecstatic dances!" He was in disbelief. 

--"Ecstatic dances? Really?"

-- "Well," I said, "At times, I experience ecstasy in meditation. Sometimes I experience ecstasy in the simplest things in life, like the ecstasy of a good conversation.  So why wouldn't it be normal to have experiences of ecstatic dance?"  

He agreed. He recommended a book he was reading on meditation about finding ecstasy in the simple things of life. Perhaps he wouldn't have minded me saying that dancing was "so much fun" or "addicting."  Mere fun is acceptable (and often true).  "Dance is addicting" is modern parlance for "dance is sinful and wrong," as dance probably was called historically in one's culture.  Both are sad ways of expressing the beauty of dance or any means of self-expression bringing us joy.  Using words that limit, such as "fun" instead of "magical wonder,"  or are negative words, such as "addiction," dampen our experiences. "Fun" is not problematic, but is that as high as it goes to sum up a wonderful tanda or evening?

If you have grown up in a culture that only tolerates dance, but that culture has a history of being repressed (think: the US and some European nations), you might just tolerate an open embrace. In that case, saying that dance is merely fun is okay. To overcome cultural norms, being inebriated in order to enjoy dancing may help too. However, a close embrace and experiencing ecstasy is not so acceptable to many. On the other hand, in some cultures where dance is encouraged, such as in Latin America, ecstatic dance is possible, but only with your partner because of jealousy.  Sure, the experience can be ecstatic--but don't tell you partner about it! ;-)  Tell your partner merely, "It was fun today at the milonga." Just fun. It's sometimes best to self-censure to a jealous partner, but don't lie to yourself as well!

One last thing
An important key to finding these magical moments more often is by being grateful for your joyful moments of dance, and the ecstasy of many ways of self-expression in life. The simple things of life.  Through gratitude, I believe, these ecstatic moments will start appearing more frequently.  It is good to call these moments--at least to yourself--"ecstatic."  

I would love to hear your comments.

Photo credit

Can Tango Truly be an Addiction or Trauma?

 

Our life experiences are capable of bringing us joy.  But we can have a range of wonderful to tragic experiences too.

Recently a viral statement showing up on the Internet, written by two psychotherapists, claimed that tango was an addiction, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss.* (The full post is given at the bottom of this post.)  I wrote to one of the psychotherapists who told me, “No,” it was an intended exaggeration.”  If you read the viral message, you probably saw the above picture of Milo Radulovic, who also wrote to me, saying: "I think [the message] is a good reminder to not take everything for granted and to enjoy each moment of tango blessing."  What? Obviously, their intent was not to speak to some grand truth of the dangers of tango, as one reads in most of the comments of those who shared its viral message. So the real question to me is:

WHY did calling tango “addictive, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss” go viral?
Why did so many people repost a negative and false rumor about tango?  Perhaps if you or your friends found truth in the belief that tango is an addiction, a trauma, a fraud, and a loss, we all can all learn something from these strong feelings. I would say that most of us have been influenced by the modern beliefs that attempt to find addiction and trauma in nearly everything we do as human beings. 

Here are some of the trends which perhaps explain the viral post. I think you have also observed some of these trends:

1.  The general problem in modern life is misusing medical diagnoses (and especially mental health diagnoses), which are applied to everyday life.  Tango, skiing, marriage, eating food are addictive? No, these things are human activities not to be avoided because they are called "addictive." Addiction and trauma are modern poetic analogies for many human events. Poetic analogies can limit human speech when they become over-used. And that is what has happened. There are better analogies which say it well and often better.  Here are some other mind-expanding models to understand our world:  Tango (as with all things) can be understood to bring us to balance or imbalance, to a state of flow or inundation.  Tango can be inspiring or suffocating in our lives; nourishing or over-indulgence.  It can bring one social acceptance or social shunning.  Tango can give a sense of mastery or a lack of confidence; the joy of movement or the unsettling need to move.  All of these models to understand the world are better than the worn out the medical model of health versus sickness model, the trauma (wound) versus healed scar model, the fraud versus legal recourse model; the (mostly) loss versus (moderate) gains model used by the authors.  Now try using any of these recommended models and replace tango with cocaine.  Is cocaine helping you with balance, flow, inspiration, nourishing you, giving you social acceptance, healing your wounds, helping you in legal matters.  Probably not.

2.  Addiction as something good (and maybe not so bad?)
Addictions are serious and devastating.  Surely you have seen or heard about products that are advertised as being a video game that is (happily) “addictive.”  “Buy it today!  It's addicting!” Bakeries have pastries which are addictive or “orgasmic.”  I hope you know that pastries are neither addictive nor orgasmic. For those who truly fighting addictions to survive, this is a slap in the face. On the other hand, those avoiding getting help will like the misuse of the words addiction or trauma. If everyone around them seems to have “addictions”--like tango dancers and people who love chocolate, they can say, “Then my problem with cocaine cannot be that bad.”  Surely, it is not your intention to offend others or make their path to freedom from true addictions harder.  Right?

3. Blaming addictions and traumas as an escape
I have had my heart broken, had back-stabbing colleagues at work, and have had beloved activities which fizzled out. What is very concerning to me is that we can easily fall into blaming and victimhood by calling things like love or relationships “an addiction” or “a trauma.”  This allows one's experiences and perhaps obsessions and compulsions in different areas of life to become mere self-diagnoses and the object of blame for tough times in life.  It is an unfortunate decision to call tango, love, men, women, bowling, religion your “opiate,” your drug, your addiction.  (I hope you are listening, Karl Marx.) It is a catchy way of speaking, but a slap in the face to those suffering from opiate addictions. 

Tango (and many things in life) help me to experience a range of feelings from ecstasy to sorrow.  I do not need to warn beginners of the grave dangers of tango.  The authors of the viral message even recommend getting a therapist before starting tango.  That is like recommending to get a therapist before beginning the use of heroine.  For those who promulgate these poetic reflections on the dangers of tango, ask youself:  How will this harm the tango community.  Will beginners give up faster once they read about tango's dangers? Will people who have a few negative experience give up the beauty of dance because of the lengthy list of these depressive cautions against dance?  Don't we all need more positivity in our world?  Let this viral post be quietly in your immune system with T-Cell (tango cells).  :-)

May our dancing and life experiences tend towards ecstasy and happiness.  In this new year, may you not have any addictions, traumas, acts of frauds against you, or tragic losses.  If you do, I hope that a warm embrace tango community helps you through these tragedies towards triumph. 

PS:  For those interested in the scientific definition and even a research article on tango and how it is NOT an addiction, continue reading.

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"Argentine tango: Another behavioral addiction?"  (an NIH research article)

Because many people are sure that tango is to be blamed as addictive, below I am including a clinical article which researched the possibility that tango was another of a growing list of "behavioral addictions."  The National Institute of Health article, in my opinion, was clearly looking for something that was absurd.  Yet, the researchers found that "tango dancing could lead to dependence . . . . However, this dependence [was found to be] associated with marked and sustained positive [effects] whilst the negative [effects] are few."   In other words, it is not addictive. The clinical study found that most subjects of the study were positively impacted by tango. Cocaine use, gambling, and other things known addictive behaviors--by definition-- do not to lead to positive outcomes among those involved with addictive substances or behaviors.  

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25215199/

Diagnostic Criteria for behavior addictions:

What are the all the necessary criteria for a diagnosis of addiction?  Don't play doctor, get a professional before you self-diagnose yourself.  You must have a majority of these criteria, and especially criteria 5 and 7.  A good way to look at these criteria is to compare your relationship with those you deeply love, especially children, which is a normal "preoccupation."  You may have an inability to stop loving them, and the feeling of “withdrawal symptoms” when away from your children.

The criteria for behavioral addiction help professionals identify problematic behaviors. These criteria are outlined in the DSM-5, a manual for diagnosing mental disorders. Here are the key diagnostic criteria for behavioral addiction:

1. Preoccupation: Individuals with behavioral addiction intensely focus on engaging in the addictive behavior. They spend a significant amount of time thinking about it and planning future activities related to it.
2. Loss of control: People with behavioral addiction struggle to control their engagement in the addictive behavior. They make unsuccessful attempts to cut back or stop.
3. Withdrawal symptoms: When unable to engage in the addictive behavior, individuals with behavioral addiction may experience restlessness, irritability, and anxiety.
4. Tolerance: Over time, individuals with behavioral addiction may require more of the behavior to achieve the same level of satisfaction or pleasure. This can lead to increased engagement in the behavior.
5. Negative consequences: Behavioral addiction often results in negative consequences in relationships, work, and other areas.
6. Inability to stop: Despite recognizing the negative consequences, individuals with behavioral addiction find it challenging to stop. They feel a strong compulsion to continue, despite the harm it causes.
7. Interference with daily life: Behavioral addiction can significantly interfere with a person’s daily functioning, disrupting routines and overall well-being.

Photo credit: The man who helped the quote go viral: milo.radulovic (his Facebook page), quoting the authors, Igor Zabuta & Emma Kologrivova.  


*The original, now viral, quote:

The dark side of tango
Tango is addictive. Not on the first try, but reliably. You will need more hugs, deeper emotions from music, more warmth and intimacy to maintain dopamine and oxytocin levels. Tango withdrawal is not a joke.

Tango is a challenge and a frustration. Your inability to perform simple steps and turns will amaze you. You will spend lots of time and money to learn how to perform them more or less satisfactorily. This will not help.

Tango is a trauma. You will need the courage to present and open yourself and face rejection. No one must dance with you, and no matter how young and beautiful you are, few will invite you, since you still do not know how to dance. And if you are not young and not beautiful… Better to find yourself a good therapist in advance.

Tango will take all your time. You will start with a “try”, with lessons. But over time, you will need techniques, practices, individual lessons, workshops by the maestro, milongas, festivals, and marathons. And you’ll still feel that you are missing a lot.

Tango will take all your money. In addition to expensive festivals and seminars, you will need countless shoes (your future fetish), dresses, new travel bags, tickets to Buenos Aires and much more.
Tango is a dissatisfaction. Your ability to feel music will develop faster than your body’s ability to dance it. As a result, you’ll feel that you dance worse and worse.

Tango is a fraud. Someday you will confuse your popularity at milongas with the relations in real life. Someday you will confuse a feeling of contact, unity with a partner, and tango emotions shared with them, with true intimacy. And this warning will not help. And you will do it more than once.
Tango is a loss. 

You will lose most of your today’s friends, acquaintances and partners, there will be no time for them and there will be less and less in common between you. New ones are not granted. Your lifestyle will change (mainly to nightlife). You yourself will change: you will surely lose the ability to live the life you don’t want and do things you don’t want.

Tango is a regret. No matter how early you start, you will regret not starting earlier. And it will not pass.
Entering the tango world will destroy the beautiful dream of learning to dance tango someday. A dream will come true, and it will not be like what you imagined.

Igor Zabuta & Emma Kologrivova
dancing psychotherapists