Freedom from Status Seeking

My wife says she's come to the realization that we are "out-of-status" dancers.

My wife had lamented that she hardly danced in a tango marathon a few weeks ago. She even cried. She felt disheartened, neglected and ready to leave the event. She stayed for many hours because I would not have let her leave without me.  She's my favorite dancer; so I felt terrible about her being invisible to the tangueros at the event. But at many other events, she appears to be dancing more than many other women. So which is it? Is she in-status or out-of-status as a dancer?

First, what does this mean to be in or out-of-status in tango? I just recently heard the term. Clearly, I am not an expert, but here are my behavioral observations of someone who might be a status dancer (SD) and why I am not trying to be one:

•  Status Dancers must first and foremost consider their partners' status.   SD's know that while dancing with a poor dancer, you are decreasing your opportunity to dance with excellent dancers. As an out-of-status dancer, it never occurs to me that my status may be ruined by dancing with an unknown person from out of town. So status dancers need to focus on performance and outward appearance.  I can appreciate the SD's risk avoidance, but I have danced by chance with some incredible dancers, met some wonderful newcomers to tango and discovered many tango treasures that SD's may never find. 
• Status Dancers protect themselves from obligatory dance requests by avoidance of those who might ask. This is what I do too, and both the SD and I perhaps appear to be snobby. There is a difference, however, in that SD's--often great dancers--quickly learn to avoid even a moment of eye contact with anyone outside of a quickly forming circle of excellent dancers. I believe, however, that shunning harms others at a social event, including the one who shuns. There is a better way to "survive" milongas where people ask for dances:  One can insist on the cabeceo but still be kind and friendly at the milonga.  (See What makes Tango Anti-Social.) I see a milonga like a small town: I say hello to everyone, but I cannot stop and chat for thirteen minutes with everyone either.
• Status Dancers have discriminatory tastes.  There is nothing wrong with becoming a tango connoisseur, although being a connoisseur of anything could eventually destroy one's social enjoyment in the long run. Status dancers can teach us all something about not just dancing to just any music. They discriminate between which orchestra it is, and which dance partner will dance well to the tanda presently playing. I especially admire the male status dancer who observes the dance floor for a long while. He watches for the right song, the right moment and the right woman.  As an out-of-status dancer, I do not wait, but everything else is exactly the same.  Well, almost. The "right woman" might be the lady who has been sitting too long, the out-of-town lady who has been neglected, or anyone outside of The Circle. 

How to Survive as an Out-of-Status Dancer:  We all must face becoming out-of-status; so "surviving" in tango is to mature into the beauty of social tango. Growing older, the changing of the local tango scene, one's own changing tastes, or some other change may have an in-status dancer totally throwing in the tango towel.

Let me end with an example of how to transcend status seeking, which is the best insurance of being a lifelong dancer:  An excellent dancer who was a DJ at the Columbia, SC tango marathon, left his DJ console and nudged me, and said: "You see that woman over there?  She is looking at you. Dance with her. She's a great dancer with a wonderful embrace." Later, I told him, "That was my wife. Thanks for pointing her out!!!" He was taking care of me and "that woman sitting over there." He was taking care of two new tribe members he hadn't met before. Although he was a DJ, organizer, and tango teacher, he was not a status dancer by my definition.

My wife and I wrote this post together, and it was hard. My wife said that in fact, the feeling of being out-of-status is only in some events while in other events she feels integrated and in-status, dancing almost all night. She added that because she wouldn't dance with everyone she might be considered as in-status. As we began to think about this subject more deeply, we realized that all the talent, good looks, and youth of a dancer are only superficial indications of someone being a status dancer. Once a person indiscriminately treats all others at the milonga with charm, kindness, and demonstrates openness to outsiders, he or she is no longer in-status The attempt to help others get a dance is an example of social tango where status is not an issue. A person like this may have talent, looks and lots of friends, but is nonetheless the joy of the milonga and has found freedom from the dead end of status seeking.

Comment or "like" Tango Therapist's Facebook page at this link or Comment at Google+ Link to posts

Photo Credit: Astrid Castro, photographer, Toronto, Canada.  Graphic design by Benjamin Word, Stuttgart, Germany.

Special thanks to Sybille Word, the co-author of this post.