The power of superficial relationships

This photo, taken in 2016, embodies an interesting insight from social research.  I would again meet her and become close friends. Social scientists discovered that multiple “superficial” polite relationships sometimes make people happier than those who have only a few but profound friendships.  We know that a few rude people in our day can feel terrible; so the opposite is also true:  Nice and polite people can add a glow to our day.  Some can be neighbors, people at stores we frequent, at the gym, and perhaps a regular place to dance.  Added to this phenomenon, isn't it clear that without meeting people at a superficial level, there would be no chance to add friendships that would grow closer?

The beauty and power of many small but satisfying social interactions was the opposite of what the researchers thought they would find.  There is an overall bias against informal relationships. They are called "superficial."  An informal relationship may include the person who pulls you out of a burning car.  It may be the person who was kind to you, and because of that multiple good things came of it in your day or even life. If you are in an intimate relationship now, how did it start?  Superficially?  

All relationships start out superficially.  Informal relationships give a sense of a polite and kind world. “Superficial” kindness allays fears of losing profound friendships and not being able to replace them in a cold world. Some social scientists call the coming and going of friends a "friendship caravan."  Is the caravan getting smaller and smaller as we age?  Are you building some deeper connections along the way?

If a person seeks out kind and polite relationships at any gathering, then the likelihood increases that one will build and maintain a "Caravan of Friends."  Can people join your caravan through life?  If not, that is a problem because friends will fall off one's caravan for many different reasons on the trail of life.

In tango social events, something happens that is amazing. They are different from religious gatherings, bowling clubs, and many kinds of associations.  At a milonga, one doesn't say much, but the warm embrace of tango is a powerful connection--more powerful than short, polite superficial kind interactions. Some one-time dances stick in one’s memory forever. That is not superficial. It's not a verbal connection but a physical connection through music. 

At each milonga a person has joined my caravan. The dancer may fall off or become a close friend years later. Who knows? The important thing is that the caravan keeps going.  My caravan is rolling along. If you are reading this post, you have joined me and many others. Welcome aboard.

Photo credit:  Sarah Dick, Austin, Texas

Cf. Research and observations:
Friendship Caravan:  https://lnu.diva-portal.org/smash/get/diva2:627705/FULLTEXT01.pdf

 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7887723/
The Friendship Dip:  https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-friendship-dip

Maybe tango is not Changing. You Are.

 

Is tango changing in ways you don't like? 

In my practice as a therapist, I have a new way to help people be "resilient."  The easy way to say this word is simply, "willing to change."  And the motto is, "Change more than the world around you changes."  The person who does this adapts and is resilient. 

How does this apply to maintaining your love for tango?  Simply "change more than the world around you changes."

So many people give up something because their loved activity changes.  "I don't dance anymore because __________.  Does tango need to change, or is it more about us?  Or does one really think that that the world won't change?  Either way, tango and dance are so precious, being able to adapt becomes a very important skill for any growing and vibrant human soul.

Here's an example. 

Outward change (or perception):  Let's say I say, "DJ's just don't know what they are doing anymore."
Reality:  I have gotten better at knowing the orchestras, and have danced at milongas that have had great DJ's.  I have developed and changed; not tango. But more knowledge is the easy change. My attitude and grumpiness are growing toxic, perhaps?  If so, change is needed.
Needed change in oneself:  Leaning tolerance. People are learning to be better.  Avoid being a snob.  Find the best in the music. Connect better to your partner. Be kind. Be social.  Being more of a connoisseur is the easier change. 

I can identify many things that I can change.  Why not work on them instead of worrying about the things I cannot change?

Let me introduce to you a powerful change theory that many therapists use: It's called Motivational Interviewing (MI).  MI helps change harmful behaviors, whereas advice, education, and knowledge are mostly ineffective. That is the paradox of being human:  We know something is not good for us, but cannot find it in us to stop this self-harm. We often find it worthless to castigate ourselves.  When others nag us to change our self-harm behavior may become worse.  MI helps people stop alcohol, drugs, tobacco, toxic relationships, and of course, harmful habits that are paired with dance.

Here are a few things that I need to change or in the past needed to change in my tango life:

• Complaining mentally about others whom I perceive as being rude on the dance floor.
• Mentally complaining about DJs who are not skilled.
• Dancing without drinking enough water or resting enough.
  
  Two things have changed completely:  
• Staying out late to dance during the week and suffering sleep deprivation the next day. 
• Eating unhealthy things at the milonga or drinking alcohol.

I am NOT suggesting you change anything.  :-)  Asking someone to change generally does not work for therapists, parents, teachers, and between spouses!  But nearly all of us can work on something that we want to change. Think of what you would like to change.  In my next post, I will add more info about Motivational Interviewing and how effective parents, teachers, and spouses help others to change.   You will be able to apply it to all aspects of your life.

Add comments, if you like, to identify how you changed in a way that helped you stay active as a dancing being.

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