Once Upon my Feet: Returning from War (3rd of 3 poems)

Once Upon my Feet

Our daughters sketched tango dancers
With red and black crayons.
At the early milonga they'd draw.
I always promised them both a dance,
Yet they would cut-in all the same.
"Daddy is it my turn now?"


The little one danced upon my feet.
But at any pause, she'd show her strength.
She'd clean her shoes on my pants,
And gancho with a smile.


Her older sister had grown into her own style.
She liked the sweep of her feet with mine.
"Daddy, barrida!" was her whispered cue.
And I obliged with a sweep or two.


They're gone now, and a man answers their phone.
My wife, just another not waiting for her soldier's return.
I dreamed of six arms holding me near the plane.
War was easier than watching other families embrace
And then returning to this empty place.


The tangueras who know me, know why
I need their embrace;
Why I hold their hands as I do,
Watching as theirs settles in mine.
They know my hurt and how their
Walking-embrace at times is my only solace.


Afterword: This is the last of three poems that I dedicated to veterans of combat.

• The first was a single man with PTSD.
• The second, a female soldier devastated by sexual assault of a battle comrade, whom she thought she could trust.
• And finally, this poem, a story of parental alienation.

I have sons, not daughters.  This is fiction but all too real.  People who know me and have read all three poems have noticed that these poems are not my usual style.  They are poems with less of a sense of hope and light than usual.  But the light comes from the community where the power of a human embrace has power to heal and make God's touch known.

Perhaps these poems are dark. War is dark.  The nightmares and the two to four hours of sleep that combat vets often get make for a dark life.  I do have hope and see wonderful changes, but the tides of oil-soaked souls keep coming up on my shores. I love my work, and I am NOT burned out from this work. I am invigorated by it. But do you know how tragic this is to have a nation at war; yet, too few know the real price?  The malls are full of shoppers, even as we are at war and complain about having the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. 

I wish that our nation was as concerned and distressed over all of the oil covered souls washing ashore as much as the environmental devastation in the Gulf of Mexico.

Cumparsita of the Soul (the second of three poems)

Walking-Embrace, Searching

I met her at a milonga some months back.
We danced often, but I did not know.
Her face had a concern I could not read.
A friend told me she was a combat vet.
I left it to her to tell me more if she'd like.

Early to the milonga, we danced alone.
A pause allowed her to speak.
"I want you to know," she said... and paused.
She searched my face as if for the words.
"I am here to find my soul."

I wondered if this were the over-statement
Of how tango, like just another fad,
Had become everything to her, an addiction.
But she had a seriousness, all the while
A yearning, that someone understand.

"I left my soul, my friends say, in Iraq.
I know I left my trust of men there...
With a battle buddy whom I both mourn
And despise from his false embrace,
From his forceful violation of my trust.

"And then as if my fury had its own power,
He died, in a burning convoy truck the next day.
And now I fear even my own anger,
As if it had the power to kill.
I know anger cannot, but I fear mine can.

"He and I were close, two wild animals
In a tree waiting for the flood to pass.
Our alarm clock was mortar fire.
Our welcoming party was the laughter
Of AK-47's and radio chatter in Farsi."

"But when a fellow soldier
Became the enemy too,
I had no refuge, no place to turn.
He stole even my mourning at his death,
...the bastard, the stupid bastard!"

She lightly pounded my chest,
Half-given to our tango embrace.
The DJ, half-cocked her gaze at us,
Wondering why my partner was in distress.
But the music played on.

"Walk with me." I said.
Was it just her tears or was she melting
Into my chest and crying the melody?
Her embrace became a primal hug,
As if she were inside of my chest, weeping.

Again we paused.
With red eyes, she apologized
For her work of art on my chest--
Watercolor with mascara
On black canvas and tie.

We danced the third song of the tanda.
At song's end, I did not let her go.
I held her near, and voice-to-ear whispered:
"Your soul is still here, very near.
You did not leave your soul in Iraq.

"You would have to return there to find it.
Many try and fail; your soul is here.
The many people who love you
Store your soul in their hearts for you.
Visit their hearts and you will find your soul."

We danced three tandas that night.
Each time I danced as simply as I could:
A tango walk, living and breathing
As soulful and steady
As the bellows of the bandoneón.

The last tanda of the night.
She had stopped weeping.
She stopped me mid-Cumparsita.
Peering in my eyes, "I found it!" she said.
"What? Found what?"

"My soul. It's timid and doesn't always stay.
But it has visited me tonight."
As we danced, I wondered if she felt
The wet irony of the tears on my face,
Which I cloaked by our close embrace.

I was once told that a tanguero
Becomes a true tanguero
When a woman weeps in his arms.

But that is not true.

A woman weeps when she has found
Her soul in the simplicity of a walking embrace,
And the primal hug which cradles it.



This is the second of three poems, dedicated to soldiers.  Only one out of ten women, according to the Department of Defense, report sexual assault out of fear of reprisals and worse problems while they are deployed.  Of those that do report, many say they wished they had not.

When I meet these women, they sometimes complain that their difficulites are minimized by both male and female soldiers, doctors, therapists.  The biggest tragedies begin upon their return.  This story is a collage of stories.  There is no actual soldier tanguera with whom I have danced -- at least as depicted here.  But I have experienced the weeping on my black shirt, and it truly is all about finding one's soul. 

Tangueros/tangueras:  I hope you can appreciate the power of tango.  It is more than a dance, a nice community of people:  It is a walking-embrace, searching for the soul that sometimes gets away from us. 

Chasm-Embrace (first of three poems)

Chasm-Embrace

She called me "her knight" before I left.
We would dance all night, holding tight.
Then a tanguero from the City came.
Since then I felt an absence in her presence.
I heard it in her voice a long-distance away.

Returning from war, I felt her change.
A gap in our milonguero embrace
Grew with each tango we danced.
And jealousy began to devour me.
I could not hide my sadness and doubt.

When I saw how she melted in his arms.
My jealousy made the chasm-embrace grow,
But try as may, jealousy had its own power.
She said I was a different man from war.
Her combat with loneliness had changed her too.

The tanguero from the City has left,
But now the ruins of our castle stands
With cracks in the walls and a waterless moat.
The ruin walls are jagged and bleak,
A mere marker of a history that once was.

The grand room, once full of friends,
Is now a refuge for goats and a mule.
The floor where we danced is now only grass.
I had to leave, and find another village to escape,
Vanquished and in exile by Sword of Love-Lost.

I haunt each milonga now, my only refuge left.
The thirst I have for a moving embrace!
And for one tanda at a time, I forget who I am:
A knight without a castle, defeated after battle.
Only the bandoneón understands my tears.

Only the embrace of friends gives me solace... en mi soledad.



This poem is dedicated to the soldiers whom I know at Fort Hood who come home and their children and wife have disappeared with a man from "the City."  The largest casualty of war is relationships in ruins.  Many men come home still alive but their souls are forever altered as much from the war as the ruins of their marriages/engagements.  This poem is not about me, but about the suffering I see in my office.  This is a first of three poems dedicated to warriors.  Another poem will follow dedicated to the women warriors I know and help as a therapist.  The last poem will be dedicated to men coming home, finding their children gone.

If I could prescribe one thing, I would wish they could know the power of the moving embrace, which I have found in tango.

Art Credit:
http://tiorra.deviantart.com/art/The-English-Lady-The-Knight-66440015

I Feel Blame in Your Embrace

¿La Culpa es Mía?


A favorite tanguera of mine wrote on Facebook, "Great tango vals class with Fulana today. She is very precise, and places the onus where it should be: on the lead."

I hope so much that it is not too late to convince my tanguera friend that believing such a statement will eventual suck every bit of joy out of her dancing.

Teachers that find it necessary to blame into the dance hurt both leaders and followers. Women who place onus on men create performance anxiety.  In the long run these ladies will not get what they need on the dance floor or in bed -- or in life.  Men will get in an argument which they will not win because so much responsibility is theirs.  Yet, isn't blame childish?  At least it is uniformed. Modern tango is a conversation, and blame is not a part of an enlightened conversation.

The Onus Theory is an educational, pedagogical theory.  Please prove this theory with a demonstration of 100 women.  If the onus is truly 100% on the lead, 100 women (trained or untrained) should execute what the perfect tanguero leads with precision.  The Onus Theory is also an anthropological theory:  The study of human behavior and the interplay of roles.  Again, the onus or burden being alone on the male role is uninformed anthropology.  Poor politics, poor marriages, poor work environments, poor production levels, poor team sports -- all are based on what this teacher has espoused in the Onus Theory.
 
I feel blame in her embrace
Nothing has to be said.  I intuit the woman who believes this uninformed (but oh so handy) Onus Theory.  I am forced to focus only on the music and the community of dancers around me because I am dancing with a ghost.  The typical Onus Woman will either find her joy only in teaching or give up tango within seven years, I believe.  I feel truly sorry for her.  She is the classic victim.  "I am not having fun, and it is his fault.  Tango is no longer fun for me.  I quit."  The burden was on him to keep her joy of dance.  Her tango is already soulless before she gives it all up.  I feel it in the way she responds, the way she looks at me, the way she is not fully present. 

The tanguera who wrote the above words is not that kind of woman.  On the contrary, she is wonderful.  She melts her right hand into my left like few women I have known.  She gives herself fully to my embrace. The last time I danced with her she even apologized and said she hadn't been able to dance much because of a tragedy in her life, and she said she could feel my improvement.  Yet, evidently the female teacher so impressed her that she started to believe the myth macho of tango:  "Me Tarzan; you Jane.  I talk; you listen."  It is not Organic Tango, which is a sharing of the dance "conversation's" success not a burden on one role. (See a definition at http://www.organictangosf.info/organic.htm and my own at  http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/2010/05/organic-tango-inspired-by-women.html.)

Only the Hard Headed Survive
Tango has a high drop-out rate because of the feeling of an onus both on women and men.  They leave and never come back.  In salsa that is not true at all.  It is better for me when there are more leaders.  At the last milonga I danced with nearly every women.  I sat out two tandas.  There are simply not enough leaders.  Is it the onus they feel?   The woman has a hard task -- just as hard to learn as the man's part.  But why the blaming when things go "wrong"?  Even these "wrong" moments have created things like volcadas. 

Taking the Onus Seriously
Lately, all of the classes I have been going to are full of men trying to get better.  Where are all the women?  A tanguera explained:  "Well, I don't know why, but many women get to a certain level, and then they enjoy a free ride with the good male dancers."  Another onus?   At least in my town, men are doing their best to learn their role.


Gentlemen:  If you are blaming your partner, putting the onus her to get your lead, you needn't say anything.  Ladies:  If he is entirely to blame for why his lead was not clear, you need not say anything.  Your partner can feel it in your embrace.

Her Shoes at My Door

Her Shoes at my Door
She forgot her shoes at the milonga.
I agreed to take them to her the next day,
But this morning I saw them waiting at my door
And I lost my senses for a moment.
"Maybe I could keep them," I told myself.
"They look good at my door,"
I thought.

I reluctantly decided to give them back.
So I drove by and dropped them off.
"Shoe delivery!"
I said.

She, her husband, the dogs, the cat and I
Talked for a while.
But my mind wandered for a while
Back to the shoes by my door, my mind
Wandered to a pretend world, a woman in my life.
She was upstairs watching a tango video,
Telling me to come upstairs
To see.

She just took a shower.
I felt her presence, good to have her here.
I was fooling myself that I could live without her,
That I could live without a companion.

Yes, I was fooling myself.
I had to give the shoes back.
No woman upstairs,
No woman freshly out of the shower,
Talking to her dog, as if he understood,
Swooning over a tango film clip
On the computer screen.

My shoes sit now alone at the door.
I wonder if they are angry at me.
Her shoes told me more about myself
Than I was ready for this morning.

The novel woman,
With her shoes at my door
Was a fiction written
Just for me.
By a lonely heart.

by Mark Word
31 May 2010


Photo credit:
"Los Zapatos Abandonados,"
by Sybille Word
18 Jan 2017

Organic Tango: Inspired by women

Organic tango* is a term I use to describe what happens when the music and and the chemistry between two people create something that is unique.  Organic tango is happening all the time, but sometimes we just don't realize it. 

In therapy sessions with individuals and couples there is often at least one moment that is "momentous."  Maybe it's a woman who realizes down to her bone that she is not even remotely to blame for her rape when she was a girl.  The years of self-blame melt in one session.  Or the couple that realizes that they truly do adore each other, and they commit to work of being a couple.  Today, a combat vet in my office cried for the first time about his friend burning to death in a Bradly Fighting Vehicle in Iraq, and a weight fell from his soldiers.  His heart beat went from 102 to 70 beats per minute in just a few minutes.  His migraine headache vanished.  I call this "a holy moment" because in religion the expectation is normalized that if one recognizes holy moments, more blessings will come.  "Then a window from heaven will open up with a bounty more than you can receive."  I have holy moments all the time.  In therapy sessions with combat veterans.  Moments with my children.  On the dance floor.  When these holy moments happen on the dance floor, Organic Tango is happening.

If you don't recognize these moments for the holy moments they are, then I believe they will disapate as efemeral warm-fuzzy moments.  It is kind of like Moses hearing the 10 Commandments but forgetting about them after the long trek down Mt. Siani.  "Hey Moses, your hair turn white, man.  What happened to you?"  Moses says, "Man, it was really cool. Lightning and stuff.  You shudda been there, man."Take note of the holy ground that you are trodding upon.   It is my job in therapy sessions to recognize these moments from what people are saying, and point out the moment.  Otherwise it too often disappears as just a "warm fuzzy" for the moment.  Holy ground becomes the dance floor when a woman says, "You know that thing we did over in that corner. [She's pointing.] What was that?  It was cool."  Scheeez.  I don't know anymore.  Focus, Mark.  Try to reconstruct.  She helps with a vague description.  It was a special moment in the music and how she responded.  Yes, now I remember. Something just grew out of the moment, the music, the connection that both of us had never experienced from classes or with other dancers.  This is organic tango.  No preservatives or pesticides or artificial fertilizers.  It nourishes your soul.



Here is some practical advice of how to remember these moments, a way to "count your blessings" to be ready for more:  Name the new move after the woman who inspired it (and take note of the music).  The ladies have led me so often to new places on a discovery walk.   In the last reflection, I said "women do lead."  This means "lead to organic tango."
 
So gentlemen, buy a spiral notebook.  I have been naming inspirations after my tangueras for about four months now. It has been wonderful, and more organic tango is blooming in my tango garden all the time as a result!


As for the ladies:  Having a turn, sacada or gancho named after you is much better than in the medical science community. How would you like to be Jessica Alzheimer or Susan Heimlich? Embarrassing at cocktail parties.

So I am dedicating myself to remembering those women who inspire a particular move and/or the music that led us there. The one woman who has inspired me the most was Alicia.  She is responsible for countless steps we have co-discovered. One paso I call, "Ocho Caminando de Alicia" keeps her in the cross system (ochos atrás) while alternating my forward traspies both on the open and closed sides.  Because of Mary Ann (Austin), I was inspired to do the Ocho Caminando on the closed side in milonguero embrace for the first time some months ago. 

The second person responsible for many moves started inspiring me on her 3rd month as a tanguera. Janet somehow is responsible for so many new ideas that I cannot even remember which ones belong to her (sorry Janet).


Most of my best inspirations often come from a partner who fully accepts me. It is hard not to sense the critical thoughts of any woman who is judging me as if I were in some sort of audition, and thereafter I usually cannot grow organic tango in her presence.  I can dance well because I dance in honor of the music, composer and musicians, but she must be put out of my thoughts.  Physcially we are dancing but their is no psychological connection.

Female teachers used to intimidate me, but now Mardi Brown (Austin) is great for organic tango, or better said, offers me a great musical pathway that is wonderful.  Her organic tango can last for a whole song or tanda.  Austin's new world class teacher and dancer, Daniela Acuri, from Buenos Aires inspired a new clockwise turn recently as we were dancing. Later, I perfected it in cross system with a veteran dancer, Kathy D. So it has her name as el círculo de Katrina.

Just recently el círculo became an INCREDIBLE move because of all the other women who taught me how to make it work with most anyone.  An interesting alternative response to my lead came from Johanna in LA. Other women were doing what she did but she was the first to do it very cleanly. Before Johanna I was misunderstanding what some women were doing until I saw (felt) Johanna do it. So now I recognize that women interpret el Círculo de Katarina in two basic ways.


The great tangueras in Santa Mónica, California recently, made me realize that each woman makes me speak my tango with their dialect and accent. With Sara (Santa Barbara), I was able to do little nuances that I would have never tried before. However she kept catching little things and I kept getting more subtle. Her organic tango moment is called el decrecendo de Sara (small steps that melt into only body movements) -- so luscious.

Wanda, from San Diego, allowed me to pause and improvise off of the sub-rhythms of tango (musically stated 1/4/7 of eightnotes or quarternotes or even half-notes).  Again leading me to places I had never been before, but that was also true of Caroline, Sara W. and Wanda in California. I now see this ability to not pull me into the next step as the epitome of a great tanguera.  (Note to guys:  Going slower in these sub-rhythms can also be led with talented beginners; so don't blame women if they don't "get it."  Also, guys this rhythm is the essence of tango/milonga/canyenge; so if you don't know what this means, send me an email.  Women cannot very easily inspire you to dance to this; it must be by listening to the music.  I discovered it by dancing by myself a lot.)


There are other pasos like el Péndulo de Mari (Austin) that is outrageously fun in a milonga.  It had never worked in close embrace and it was taught by a famous tango great (Salas) as an open embrace caminada.  But one evening Mari and I discovered something new in the milonguero embrace.  This was truly organic tango because she is somewhat shorter than I, and even now the pendulum is somewhat easier with tall women usually.  Not for her though.  The move belongs to her.

Dayna is responsible for a counter rhythm with a barrida during a molinete (two against three). I don't know what the heck I should call that. ¿Perhaps la cosa de Dayna? I am not going to describe this because I don't have command of English enough to do it justice. 

Just this Sunday, Sara M. (Austin/Seattle) along with the music inspired an extended segment in which she was dancing on the downbeat and I on the upbeat. It was an out-of-body experience. ¿Poli-ritmos de Sara?  That was definitely organic because it was in close embrace.  She owns it, and the music really called for it.  It won't work just any time -- a hallmark of truly organic tango.

How often does organic tango happen?  At the start, I said "all the time."  But are we recognizing these moments?  Just last weekend on Friday, Bentley created the "Pivot de Bentley," which I didn't even recognize as being that special until she pointed it out as being so fun, and yes, another organic tango moment. This led Kathy D. to comment (at a práctica) last Sunday that she felt the Pivot de Bentley wasn't soft enough. So Kathy inspired the softer version and by accident we created a leg-push sacada (her left leg) with a thigh sacada (her right leg) all with my left leg. This is repeated about 4 times for a 360 degree fairly tight circle. We are in the cross system. It is awesome. Thank you ladies! The result (according to my notebook): A combination (in cross) of Pivot de Bentley and círculo a la izquierda con sacadas alternadas de Katarina. Incredible.

From writing this article, I know that I am already in trouble for not naming all the other great inspirations from countless tangueras. I am humbled by their generous contributions to my treasure chest.

An important note:
These moments I am describing here are in some ways not true organic tango, which can go on all night.  But I do not have the words to describe this phenomenon.  Tango is not a compilation of steps like other dances tend to be.  And Organic Tango is not just steps or moments.  The best organic tango is an entire tanda with an organic embrace, which I call the "docking station embrace."  I feel as if I am floating in space but at the same time I feel I am home and safe in my partner's arms.  This happens all the time, but I am at a loss to describe it.  A few examples of the hights of these moments are empirical examples that something special was happening, abstractions of the larger painting.

So from my spiral notebook, which I only have started, I have these moments (listed below).  My hope is that a few tangueras will remind me of some holy moment / organic moment / nirvana nanosecond / heaven-on-earth tanda with me (or talk with any man who understands organic-Sprache or will simply listen to you.) 

Organic tango is good for you and the environment. And like the other types: It takes two. 


My Organic Tango ListHelp me with my list, ladies!

• Ochos atrás y caminando de Alicia (México)
• Cuñita ganchos de Alicia
• La sentada de Alicia
• 3 contra 6  Vals de Alicia
• Lápiz con enganche de Janet (Austin) and many more
• Círculo del Reloj de Daniela Acuri (Buenos Aires)
• Círculo cruzado hacia la derecha de Katrina D. (Austin)…
• …y traducción de Johanna (Los Ángels)
• Decrcendo [term from music/Latin] de Sara W. (Santa Bárbara)
• Pausa de Wanda/Johanna/Sara W. (tangueras de California)
• La Milonga-Péndelo de Mari (Austin)
• Multi-ritmos molinete de Dayna (Austin)
• Pivot de Bentlye (Austin) [Just this Friday at Uptown]
• Docking Station Embrace: Christina (Alemania); Tatyana and Irina (Rusia); Alicia (México); Kay and Pat (Austin)
• Docking Station Embrace teachers: Daniela Acuri (BsAs) / Phyllis Williams (Dallas)
• Hand melting in mine:  Teresa M. (Cuba); Mari (Austin)
• Dynamic breathing: Alessandra (Austin)
  
  From Sunday night’s práctica in Austin:
• Sacada doble y vuelta suave de Katarina D. y…
• Milonga contra-ritmos de Sara M. (Austin)

*Organic Tango:  After finishing this article, I did an Internet search on "organic tango."  Others have defined "organic tango" and we are on the same wave length.  Both of us agree on taking away the Tarzan mentality from tango -- "Me lead, you follow.")  Go to http://www.organictangosf.info/organic.htm for a great definition.

Women DO lead

Women
do
lead. 

Evolving away from the Tarzan-Effect





But how do women lead?


They lead the way to new dance ideas.  Sometimes by just pausing and allowing four possibilities rather than the one they learned.  A tanguera is like a guide, leading me by giving me possibilities I never had considered.  She opens the gate, and says, "Hey, Mark, here are four paths.  Most men go down this path, but here are three other paths."  Now, I decide to take path number three.  Later, I tell her that I have never done that before, and add:  "You inspired me."  She says "thanks," and adds, "You are a great lead."  What?  Who was leading whom?  If nothing else, we were co-discoverers on this journey that neither of us had ever made.  But it was her LEAD that allowed me to take the road less traveled.


The problem here is the word "lead."  Some leaders push or pull others along.  Perhaps that was the man's role when tango began.  The concept of leadership has evolved, yes, but in many ways nothing is really new.  History is replete with leaders that did not push or pull.


 The Santa Mónica International Tango Holiday (SMITH) gave me further insight into tango not as a "men-talk-women-listen dance" but a "men-speak-with-an-accent" dance.  In other words, I only speak without an accent when I dance alone.  I speak through a woman, and she can make my thoughts sound eloquent or dull; French or Spanish.  But I must be careful to say here that she is not my interpreter, she is like an interpreter, but much more.  She LED me to say it, I said it, and then she put her own accent on it.  Of course, this may be what she is experiencing too; so the analogies only come close to describe what I think is going on.  Whatever the case, I firmly believe that tango is more sophisticated than the Tarzan-Effect: "Me talk; you listen." 


Perhaps all my thoughts on women and leading in one sentence should be:  "He leads; she follows" because the phrase "women do lead" can be misunderstood too.  I don't want to create a monster.  I have danced with advanced dancers  who pull me into the next step she is thinking I will do.  I didn't say that, and the music didn't say it either.  Leading in this way is not allowing me to speak in her dialect; she has put words in my mouth and reiterated what a teacher taught without regard to the moment and the music.

Tango can be a soliloquy or monologue for two.  However, for those who have experienced a tango conversation, "women do lead" will make a lot of sense.  My hope is that men start recognizing the women who inspire them to do something that is not in their cookie-cutter vocabulary that they have learned, but something that was truly the making of great poetry of two people speaking a unique language that no other couple in the world can speak.  That, mis compañeros de tango, is the beauty of tango.


Trailer on next article for women-inspired tango:
In the next article, I will attempt to reconstruct some of the steps that women and the music have inspired while dancing.  Their dialect and these moments still influence the way I now "talk."  Here is an index of inspirations that I will mention just some my most wonderful tangueras:

De Alicia (México):

• Ochos atrás y caminando
• Cuñita ganchos
• La sentada 
• (Y mucho, mucho mas de Alicia)
• Lápiz con enganche de Janet (Austin)
• Círculo del Reloj de Daniela Acuri (Buenos Aires)
• Círculo cruzado hacia la derecha de Katrina D. (Austin)…
• …y traducción de Johanna (Los Ángels)
• Decrcendo [term from music] de Sara W. (Santa Bárbara)
• Pausa de Wanda/Johanna/Sara W. (de California)
• El Milonga-Péndelo de Mari (Austin)
• Multi-ritmos molinete de Dayna (Austin).
• Docking Station Embrace: Christina (Alemania); Tatyana (Rusia); Alicia (México) and teachers Daniela Acuri (BsAs) / Phyllis (Dallas)

Hot off the press just from last night’s práctica in Austin:

• Sacada doble y vuelta suave de Katarina D. y…
• Milonga contra-ritmos de Sara M. (la de Austin)

¡Hasta la próxima!  Or as we say in Tejas: "See ya in a bit"!

Tango: Speaking in her Accent

Tango-Akzent


Near the border of France
I enter a milonga in Saarbrücken.
She is French,
We speak in German.
But our mutual language is tango.

The music starts.
Our embrace, melds two hearts,
Two cultures.
And like tango, a dance of immigrants,
Our souls transmigrate to a place we both have never been.
Our movements interpret a tango both familiar and new.


My feet had spoken this same tango in my kitchen two days before.
But now I speak with a strong French accent, her accent,
Her way of making what I say different.
New to me, new to her.

Now I lead her down a familiar path,

But she opens a gate to a new place.

I see a French garden with a fountain.

I have never been to this place.

Neither has she,

Although I was sure it was her favorite place.

I speak with the accent of each tanguera I hold.

The magic of tango is the moment I am no longer just me.

Green Tango: Is your tango sustainable?

Is your tango sustainable?

"Green-Tango," is taking care of yourself and having a tango community that will last.  "Red-Tango" is a live-for-the-moment tango whether for oneself, for just one couple dancing dangerously or even a community which does not concern itself with being sustainable.  That's red.  What's green?  Sustainable, lifetime enjoyment of the pure enjoyment of tango.

Shoes for Green-Tango
Tango shoes for women can cripple a woman over time.  That's their choice, but not all are going to play that game.  Green-Tango is devoted to comfortable shoes for women, who presently are harming their feet and bodies (with the shoes I so adore).

Immune-System Green-Tango
Tango is usually at night and lasts late into the night.  Does it always have to be that way?  Green tango communities have at least some milongas that are early.  Just sometimes we need to get a good sleep, necessary for healthy bodies which we need to dance tango in our 90's and beyond.  A person who does not sleep enough is hurting many things, but the most important is their immune system.

Safety is social, and social is green: 
Green is old, old tango culture, and it is too often forgotten with new generations, who focus on the thrill of cool moves and the nightlife, but safety is a philosophic pillar of Green-Tango.  A code of ethics of safe dancing is a necessary part of a green tango community.  Sorry, O Thou Tango Teacher, but all that energy spent on teaching volcadas, and every other kind of "-ada" needs at least a 10% tithe to the danger of such things -- especially to the most common victims:  Women, their backs, their bare legs and their exposed feet.

Green Ears
Music that is not at ear level to blast in one's ear on one side of the room.  I always wore hearing protection as a professional drummer.  Always.  Many of my musician friends now have serious hearing loss.  Yes, there is Green Music and Red Music.  The Red Musicians eventually become the No Music musicians.

Green Tango is part of evolution
Old stuff and new stuff together.  Sustainable tango is the dance you dance all of your life because you can.

Rejection: Solutions 7 & 8

This is the last of a series on dealing with rejection.  The assumption from the start was that tango gives its own special challenges for rejection for both men and women.   Tango is not to blame.  Rather, feelings of rejection in tango are probably latent and unresolved  rejections from early in life.  It's like going back to "middle school" all over again.  So now with new maturity and eight different solutions to rejection, I hope now that anyone reading this will get a sense of how wonderful it is when a person finds mature solutions rather than just giving up on tango and the challenge to grow psychologically and spiritually.

Since this is the last of the series, let's review in just a few words all the solutions so far.  Then we'll expand the new territory,  Solutions 7  (dance-to-the-music) & 8 (dance in the kitchen).

All Eight Solutions for Rejection


1. The "I-will-get-better" Solution.  Maybe I am rejected now by better dancers, but eventually not.  Here is the link.

2. The "Just-Ask" Solution.  A risky solution, but one can ask the person who has systematically rejected us.  (NOT to be used on the same evening or after a few rejections.)  Here is the link.

3. The Military Solution.  One stuffs feelings and is actively seeking to dance with others as a way to avoid a downward spiral into self-pity.  Here is the link.

4. The tango walk by oneself Solution.  Bi-lateral stimulation of a graceful walk has the brain finding solutions and resolution to problem.  Here is the link.

5. The embrace Solution + Solution 4.  Now bi-lateral stimulation to the brain through the walk is added with an empathetic embrace. Here is the link.

6. The tango community Solution.  The community, same-sex friends, couple friendships helps us through seasons or moments of rejection.  (This one is problematic if the community is unfriendly. Come to Austin.)  Here is the link.

And finally, 7 & 8.

SOLUTION SEVEN is the dance-to-the-music solution. 

As with other solutions, each solution (except 4 & 8) may be the central problem.  If one allows the music to drive you to move, then it is more likely to be a solution.  Until you get to that place, music may be the very thing that causes fear of rejection or is tied with love that was lost.  But for now let's focus on the power of music to overcome rejection. 

I used to feel nervous with certain women because they were tango teachers, or critical out loud in some way, or just by the way they approached the dance with a "show-me-what-you-got Mister" look.  For the performance-oriented women (or my fear of them), I use this dance-to-the-music solution.  It is sadly a common experience to run into a woman who is unkind, or clearly indicates that she expects me to prove myself.

Sangrona

The first time I used the dance-to-the-music solution was in Denver.  La sangrona  was wearing a beautiful dress.  We did not know each other, and both were taking a risk.  Unlike the men in  her tribe, I must have held her two tightly.  She over-reacted to me from the first moment I touched her, as if I had pulled down her dress or something horrible. She could have politely said that she prefers to be held lightly. Each person likes the hold differently, and in Buenos Aires, there are certainly good leads who hold more firmly. But instead of stating her preference, she was aggressive with me.

Querido Tanguero/Querida Tanguera, you cannot expect even the best dancers to understand the culture of tango, or even to have good social skills!  Two excellent tangueras latinas have told me once that my light hold on them was not a true embrace.  Each woman is different, but the latinas were nice about telling me their preference.  One was my tango coach, and she told me that right after I came back from Denver! 
 
Last but certainly not least...

SOLUTION EIGHT:  Dance by yourself in your kitchen.

As a therapist, I suggest to the men who return from combat only to find that their wife/girlfriend has abandoned them, that they learn to take care of themselves before getting into a new relationship.  "Dancing in the kitchen" is what I suggest, along with fixing themselves a good meal with candlelight.  After I suggested this for the first time a while back, I started doing it myself, and it is wonderful.  I also write in a journal at dinner.  Tango music in the background with wine.  ¡Maravilloso!

I find myself so refreshed and learn so many concepts while practicing by myself.  "The kitchen" means simply at home on a non-carpeted floor.  With solution eight, all of the other solutions come into being, except Solution 2, which, you'll remember, is risky and perhaps totally unnecessary if you are working the other solutions into your life.  Some will ask about Solution 5, the embrace.  Well, querida tanguera, you are are embracing yourself -- something worth doing because you are so incredible as I imagine you dancing with yourself in your kitchen with a glass of red wine from the vineyards of Argentina your hand.

Rejection?  By now it is being rejected from your life.  Welcome to what tango is all about. 

Rejection: SOLUTION SIX

This is the fourth of a series on dealing with rejection using tango to grow psychologically and reduce the drop-out rate when rejection/drama turns a person away from the beauty of tango.

Solution six may be the most powerful of all eight solutions. It is the Tango Community.

La Communidad de Tango exists better with your positive input, but it lives with you or without you. The concept of community is like gravity, which pervades everything you do, but you don't give it much thought. You don't say, "well that volcada would have been weird in outer space." Or, "that sacada on the moon, would be outrageously fun."

If the community is as powerful and as unnoticed as gravity, take some time to notice it. I once went on a medical mission to eradicate tuberculosis in Haiti. That is when I realized how important a strong community is.  Without a strong community, one can be hurt on the street, and there may not be any paved streets for an ambulance to come to one's aid. For that matter, there may not be any ambulances or sanitary hospitals -- sadly even more the case right now than when I was in Haiti after finishing graduate school.


A healthy tango community rivals, in my experience, the best of any church community I have ever experienced: Sometimes there's a place to stay at total stranger's home; a warm welcome and trusting embrace in France or Denver or Houston or Portland; a shared joy that is sophisticated but childlike. What a wonderful balance in the tango community.

After the first reflection on Solutions 1-3 on rejection, I received an email from a wonderful dancer and good looking young woman I had met at a few out-of-town tango festival milongas. She surprised me with an email about feeling rejected, sitting out too much and feeling terrible.  She wondered if she would give up tango altogether. I told her about SOLUTION 4, 5 and 6. However, she found number six to be the most powerful solution for her situation.  She gave me permission to share her experience: 

"Mark, I tried the solution six at the yesterday’s milonga. It was amazing. I concentrated on being thankful that I am in the great community of very kind and intelligent people. I sat down in a chair and relaxed. Then, I danced non-stop for two and a half hours. There were not many people there because most everyone in town went to a nearby tango festival. But I danced, danced and danced. And I enjoyed it a lot. I even introduced myself to an older couple. They danced a bit and mostly watched. When I was leaving they told me how much they enjoyed watching me dance. I was touched. . . .Thank you for your help. I knew something would happen and I would not quit tango."

Also, she realized how she was not doing what others had done for her.  Many had danced down to her level when she was a beginner, and now it was time to give back. Since implementing Solution Six, I have seen her a few times dance and have danced with her.  She so fully gives herself to the dance, the music and her partner -- over and over -- an does this with beginners too! 

An Important Aside
Surely there are people with whom we all do not want to dance.  Some women actually hurt my right ankle because they pull away or have poor balance. If a woman has an embrace phobia, I won't be coming her way very often. If a woman dances for herself or is watching who is entering the room, I will not be dancing with her for quite a while.  But beginners need a community effort to bring them into this wonderful thing, called "tango."

The Overdose of Medicine
The tango community can be salutary -- medicine for the soul.  However, rejection can be caused by the community; so the over-all Solution is not in just one thing. That is why there are many different Solutions.  Ever hear of "shunning in Seattle"?  Maybe the reputation is not fair.  But whatever the case, not all tango communities are equal.

"Men have it easy"
How maddening to sit there wanting to dance, ladies! Feelings of rejection ooze from some tables.  Earlier reflections have dealt with this subject of what a lady can do to dance more. Here, I just want to say that men do not have it easy when it comes to rejection.  Sure, I dance all night.  No rejection?  Really?  The main reason that men stop dancing, I believe is because of rejection.  They may be dancing, but their partners may never really have given themselves over to the dance, the music, the community or to him.  It feels terrible to be holding a woman who exudes rejection.  (Solution 7 will address the partner who is rejecting you while dancing.) 

A buffer for rejection (for guys part I) 
Tango has its pluses.  Learn the cabeceo (not asking but using one's eyes and a nod of the head -- coming from the word "cabeza" or "head").  Women will think you have it easy just because you are dancing.  You may feel the girl-talk on the side burning you ears about who can and who can't lead.  I heard it all through informants, and although it hurt, I learned what path I must take:  It is one of humility, hard work (lessons/practice) and lots of dancing with people at or below your own level.  Eventually, I started getting compliments and even a few informants (female spies), who have helped me know what a lady wants.  What we men need is something like Cosmopolitan Magazine which reveals all the secrets of how to please women.  Or you can just go to the many tanguera blogs, especially my esteemed Austin tango blogista, Mari.


Mark's Rule of Seven (for guys part II)In the world of Salsa, the cabeco is unknown.   I used to ask for dances in El Paso as the only white guy in the club. I had a "limit" of asking SEVEN WOMEN before I would sit down and stop asking for any ONE song.  Use the cabeco!  Seven woman looking away does not take much time, and your ego will be spared major trauma.  In the my Rule of Seven, mostly I gave up because the song would be over soon.  I just kept asking because the music was driving me mad, and I had to dance.  I had no choice but to ask.  The good news is that eventually, I was dancing non-stop.  The Latinas knew that I would turn them efficiently without hurting them, that I danced musically and that I was dancing with them without expecting "special benefits."  Lastly, I had one advantage that the Latinos never seemed to understand.  I never looked around for my next partner while dancing.  These are tango basics too: Don't hurt her; dance the music not the steps you just learned; leave your passion on the dance floor; and be present with her until you escort her off the floor.  Eventually, the El Paso salsa community accepted me.  I was dancing just as much as before, but the rejection stopped, once Solution Six was fully implemented.
 

Part A and Part B of Solution Six
So there are two parts.  Part A is to appreciate the community, helping it grow and share.  Part B is slowly to build trust so that the community appreciates you.  Interestingly, being accepted may have less to do with the opposite sex.  This is true of the tango community and is especially true in the salsa community.  Once the men were shaking my hand and embracing me in El Paso, the Latinas accepted me as a part of their community.  Men who are a menace on the dance floor will never be fully accepted by other men in any dance community.

Querida tanguera/Querido tanguero:  You will know when you arrive in the tango community.  You will start appreciating the friendships and the hard work of organizers, teachers and DJs.  You will feel it in the embrace of men and women in the community.  You will know that your heart has grown to make room for something very wonderful.

The Older Woman

The Older Woman

I knew she gave herself fully to the best tangueros.
I watched in awe of her animated femininity.
So far ahead, she was, from my level of dancing.
But then one evening she made it clear
With her eyes and a upward whip of her gaze
That I should escort her to the dance floor.

My body and hands vibrated the frequency
  of not being sure of myself.

She embraced me and said in a whisper:
"Listen only to the music. I have watched you do this.
Hold me until you can feel my heart beat with that rhythm.
Then we will walk as one, impelled by the music to move."

She melted into me; I could feel my heart slowing to hers.
And the music took away the need to impress her
Because we both stood in awe of the music together.
Our breathing became one,
Our walk came as if from one heart.

Between songs we shifted deeper into the embrace
That evening she gave me the gift, though I was not worthy of it.
Though ten years younger than I,
She was my "older woman," mi milonguera.
Tango had found her a decade before it had found me.

She showed me the gift.
The way to make tango to a woman.




To better understand "the gift," I recommend that you read this: http://sallycatway.com/?p=2537  

Next:  Solution Six for rejection, tomorrow!

Pneuma-Tango: Solution Number Five

Pneuma-Tango: Solution Number Five
The third installment on the theme of solutions to rejection. See earlier solutions 1-4.


Solution Five for rejection is a walking embrace. I knew from my own experiences that graceful walking was powerful for helping the brain find solutions. Nearly every human being has experienced finding resolutions on a plain ol’ walk. A graceful, purposeful walk is even stronger (solution 4). Now add the embrace to this, as it is done in traditional Argentine tango and now you have, I believe, the essence of why tango by mistake is something that can have remarkable therapeutic power. The embrace by itself keeps us alive. Without a caring embrace babies die or languish, and old people have higher rates of illnesses--as has been documented extensively in health care literature and research.


Recently, I went to a grave side service for a 21 year-old man who died on his way to spend Easter with his parents. I stood in line to greet them. The way that I and everyone before me expressed themselves was with an embrace. Why is an embrace so powerfully expressive?


Tango is a walking embrace full of uncharted power!  I am convinced bi-lateral stimulation (graceful walking) and a simultaneous embrace enables the brain to find resolution from emotional pain or simply to find answers to difficult questions confronting us.


When I started this series on “solutions,” I focused on rejection as a single psychological obstacle for tangueros/tangueras. The “solutions” now are much bigger than rejection or any one psychological theme (rejection, bereavement, jealousy, hate). And the idea of tango-as-therapy (self-care) is far more powerful than I realized since starting this project. I have given examples before, but now people who have read my reflections are telling me their experiences too.


Let me give an example. At a tango festival recently, I found a tanguera friend from Boston who told me about a recent break-up and rejection. I told her about my training as an EMDR therapist and then my recent discoveries with bi-lateral stimulation in a tango walk. I explained how a graceful tango (contra-body) walk affects the brain just like traditional EMDR techniques. We were at a park some hours before the milonga. I had her bring up the most hurtful moment of her recent break-up. I held her in a traditional tango embrace and right there in the park we only did weight changes because of the bike traffic on the path. In a remarkably short time (under 5 minutes) her hurt was so resolved that when her ex-boy friend unexpectedly ARRIVED at the festival, she felt no jealousy, no hurt, no pain as she had just days before when she saw him at milongas in Boston. If I had not seen this happen, I doubt that I would fully believe such an account of resolution in five minutes.  I cannot expect that emotional hurts can dissolve so easily as hers did, but in some ways I am not surprised either because I have seen EMDR quickly and effectively treat horrific traumas/tragedies that combat vets have experienced.*


A friend recently wrote me after I told her about my reflections on the walking embrace that I was about to write. Her story also confirms Solution Five (although this is about bereavement). She gave me permission to share this:


“Recently I spent my father’s last six weeks by his side in another state. At my first milonga after his death, a fellow dancer asked me why he had not seen me for such a long time. I started to explain, but then teared up and could not go on. His response was to open his arms, envelop me in a tender embrace, and move us into the line of dance. As we circled the room I quieted down and my sadness melted away. By the time we came to a stop I was at peace. I said thank you and we parted. This was the first time I had experienced the power of tango to soothe, and I remain profoundly grateful to my dancing partner for his moving gesture.”


So what shall we call the power of two people in embrace, walking gracefully? I have called it tango therapy, but “therapy” is inadequate. However, I have no better word. I would prefer to call this phenomenon “Pneuma-Tango,” using a Greek term.  The Greeks felt that invisible, powerful wind (pneuma) that moved ships was the same “wind/spirit” that comes in and out of the lungs of a living soul. Wind, spirit, ghost are terms all described by one word in the original Greek of the New Testament, including the Holy Pneuma.


So if we were to think of Pneuma-Tango as a combination of the life-giving essence—breathing as one, moving as one, embracing as one—then we might better estimate the power of this little-understood phenomenon. Pneuma-tango is something that countless tango dancers have experienced. How sad that many tango dancers have tended to mistake the powerful sensations as something less than spiritual, such as fun, sensual, or like falling in love.


Pneuma-Tango has the thrill of anything that is fun, but the joy is deeper than amusement. Tango provides a similar physical joy (eros), but it happens without overt arousal. It feels like love (agape), but without the bonding as one experiences while truly in love. Moreover, I believe it innately helps us to resolve our hurts and find more adaptive solutions to obstacles in our lives.


Let me give one final example of Solution Five: Just a week ago, a tanguera told me the company she worked for had folded. No job. Three children. She was not distressed. However, I told her about Solution Five. We went to an empty studio after a milonga and we breathed as one, and walked as one in embrace. By the third time we walked and stopped for a moment, her mind was so full of ideas that her face turned red with joy, miming that she needed to write, needed to write! (At the time I did not think about it, but losing one’s job is a subset of rejection.)


You do not have to be a therapist or have a therapist to experience Pneuma-tango. But it will help if you allow a different paradigm to inform yourself about what tango really creates in your heart and mind. Is it really just fun? Just another sensual pattern dance like rumba? Is it just a nice hobby? Maybe it’s just plain addicting? I would posit that tango is a much more powerful thing than any of us ever realized. My hope is to do research on these discoveries that we all are making at every milonga we go to. I would love to hear your stories.
I wish you lots of Pnuematic-Tango, mis compañeros de tango!



*Note about therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is separate from what I have called here Pneuma-Tango. Tango is a type of self-care and a natural way to find solutions and not “therapy” in the medical sense but in the spiritual sense. I fully endorse having a skilled therapist for serious distress. I especially endorse EMDR as a therapy modality with a qualified EMDR therapist—because it works like tango! If you find yourself sobbing at a milonga and do not know why, I think I do: You need a guide because you are “flooding” from the bi-lateral stimulation of the tango walk. Seek an EMDR therapist to guide you out of your stuck part. Not resolving the problem with emotional “flooding” could have you avoiding tango after a while.

Coming soon: Solution 7 (music); Solution 8 (the tango community). The theme is still rejection.

Rejection: SOLUTION FOUR

Soul-Work through Tango Therapy


Earlier, we looked a 3 solutions to get through and over rejection as a tango dancer (and in life).  The next few solutions are surprisingly effective and  are higher-level solutions.  SOLUTION Four for rejection is all about working alone, using tango in a way that finds remarkable resolution to feelings of rejection and other negative thoughts. 

SOLUTION Four is called in the psychological community "bi-lateral stimulation," which positively influences the brain to access memories.  Bi-lateral stimulation has also been found in other cultures.  The Zulu Tribe has a left-right stamping dance that they use with warriors to deal with psychological trauma. [The tanguera pictured here has the right idea.  However, I suggest comfortable shoes and clothes that will help you NOT attract a partner!  SOLUTION Four is tango for one.]

My plan was to write about connections with the type of therapy that uses bi-lateral stimulation used in the West, called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.  I use EMDR nearly daily with combat vets.  This therapy is so effective that it inspires me and has me joyously going to work in this normally "burn-out" job, working with PTSD. 


Explaining bi-lateral stimulation in depth is too complex for a blog.  Suffice it to say, that when one has a physical activity that goes clearly from the right hand/left hand or right leg/left leg, to the right with one's eyes and then left, this actually has been proven to help a person access memories around a negative event that allows one to come to better cognitive solutions to problems.  NO WONDER that people feel that tango is "addictive"!  Tango is a complex group of good things happening (music, friends, touch, and movement). 


So SOLUTION Four is bi-lateral stimulation, and it partially accounts for why going out to dance feels so very good for you after a hard day.  Most people do not discover Four on their own because the other things (music, friends, touch) get in the way.  But these powerful things (music, friends, touch) can also become paired stimuli to rejection, or any of these elements can amplify rejection. SOLUTION Four focuses only on you and your brain:  Soul Work.


Sometimes simplicity is necessary and being alone is at times necessary to find good solutions.  A tango walk is powerful for this.  Buddhists have walking meditations.  St. Paul found Christ on a walk to to Damascus and St Luke gives an account of two other disciples finding themselves conversing with the resurrected Jesus on a walk to Emmaus.  When they figured out who he was he disappeared from their sight.  Now that is a tango walk!  Authors and artists are known to have had their best ideas out on a walk.  What about you?  Have you discovered the power of a graceful, tango walk?

Let's review the lesser evolved solutions:

• Solution one was to realize that the person who reject you may one day wish he/she hadn't.
• Solution two was to ask the person (a risky but sometimes effective way to better oneself).
• Solution three was called the "military solution" because it focused on just stuffing one's feelings and getting out there to dance with friends, enjoy the music and "get over it."  Although less evolved, it is by far the most used solution.

For SOLUTION Four to work better, walking gracefully with your torso moving in what tangueros called "contra-body" walking is very important for brainwave lateralization. Just walking will not be as effective. Collecting is also very important because it helps the mind to experience bi-lateral stimulation.


I will give two personal examples of using SOLUTION Four -- a walk by myself:  As I started writing this reflection, I celebrated my birthday alone on March 21st.  I got lots of care and love from the tango community, but I did not get a single call from my family or my young children who live in Germany. I was doing just fine with this -- or so I thought, but I wanted to use this theme of rejection and practise SOLUTION Four to give me new insights about this idea.  As I walked, I found my thoughts flooding with negative events concerning my birthday and how my children are either blocked from contacting me or not helped to remember me.  I realized that when I use EMDR as a therapist, I stop to help the combat vet process the flood of thoughts. One of the major mistakes of new EMDR therapists is they stop and talk too much. So I like the tango analogy.  Take only short pauses to think. Stop only for a moment to chat with yourself.  This is a pause in your dance, not the "cortinas." The outcome of my walk was fantastic. 

As I walked my tango walk, I started to remember how my boys' mother never reminds them about Father's Day since our divorce.  She often didn't remind them even when we were married. Since our divorce, I have bought the children flowers to give to their mother for her birthday, but she will not reciprocate.  You probably can imagine that I have a lot of history with rejection with two small boys growing up (they are still pretty young -- 11 and 16).  Anyway, as I walked the memories pored down. As with therapy with PTSD with combat vets, it got ugly before it got better:  Feelings of rejection, anger.  But then the solution started to emerge:  I became deeply aware that my children love me.  I also realized that many people who truly love me may forget my birthday, and I forget theirs.  True, I intellectually knew this before (military solution), but my "inner child" felt the solution at the deepest level: I am loved. I can forgive.


Let me give you a second example, but first a little explanation about bi-lateral stimulation and the brain: 


Your brain while focusing on a Negative Cognition about self (proven through brain scans) will show way too much activity in the limbic part of your brain and the right side. Bi-lateral stimulation with a graceful tango walk will begin helping your brain to lateralize the thoughts to other parts of your brain, especially the left prefrontal cortex which has not been fully activated as with other rejections you feel are "resolved" enough to no longer bother you.  When there is too little left brain activity, a brain scan would probably reveal why one often is immersed in one's own inner world of hurt -- the left brain is "silent."

Okay, now another example of SOLUTION Four:  This January, I had my very first experience with a therapeutic tango walk with rejection.  I was really hurt after dancing with a woman at the Houston Tango Festival. We spoke Spanish to one another briefly. Helena simply said after the first dance, "Gracias," and then she left the floor with me standing there like a fool! Did I hold her too tight? Did I remind her of her weird uncle, Flaco? Did I have the breath of a horse?  I will never know.

I saw her later. She was dancing an Argentinean folk dance with such joy. I realized that she was a great dancer. That hurt even more. Middle School stuff of rejection set in. I could try to use SOLUTION ONE (get better so she'd feel sorry she rejection me) or SOLUTION TWO (ask her why) or solution three (just get over it). Yet, she will probably be on a higher level until I die (solution one), and it is just not cool to ask a stranger "why" without being pitiful (solution two). Solution three (just get over it) was not working either. I was stuck in Middle School Rejection in Houston.

SOLUTION Four in action:  Knowing what I know about Bi-Lateral Stimulation (BLS) as a therapist, I decided to try meditation and the power of a graceful tango walk out in a park in Houston. I was feeling like I was not that good of a dancer although I have worked so hard at it.  The SOLUTION was immediate:  Only after walking less than a minute, I was totally free. I told myself, "It feels so good to be able to be mature enough to allow a woman to walk away if she feels uncomfortable without becoming angered, hurt and resentful. I am totally okay with this." I laughed. I was free.  I still am.
I have written a lot more on this theme, using an advanced protocol of EMDR, but it is too involved for a blog.  For simple rejection (one person, one event), the solution is in a graceful, meditative walk while pondering the hurtful event. However, if you have something more complex, the full SOLUTION Four is NOT just going out on a walk and kind of thinking about moments of rejection or psychological hurts. There is an important protocol to follow which has proven effective results as used to help rape victims and others who have faced physical trauma and tragic events.  For more complex hurts, I suggest a guide to avoid going deeper into hurt and not finding your way out of a sticky depression.


For simple rejection, however, please give solution a fair trail.  You should not believe me. Try finding a hurtful rejection in your past, and through a graceful tango walk, go out and try SOLUTION Four.  I am convinced that you will experience some resolution that perhaps has lingered for years.  I would love to hear what happens.  Send me a message at mark.word1@gmail.com.


Preview:  Solutions 5-7 are shorter (I promise) but also very powerful.  I have shared them with a few people, and now I have testimonies to their "solution power."