Why Real Men Don't Dance

 

When I was a boy

When I was a boy,

I was told not to cry.

So I stopped.

When I was a youth,

I was told not to sing.

So I stopped.

When I was a teen.

I was told not to dance.

So I stopped.

When I went off to war,

I was told not to talk.

So I stopped.

One day she asked me to dance,

And I have learned to cry,

I have learned to sing and talk.

I am now a real boy,

Working on being a real man.

This poem is dedicated to the hundreds of soldiers I have met as a therapist who have started talking again after being afraid to tell their story.  It is an honor to meet the real boys and girls in my office.  They do not know me as the "tango therapist," but, as you might imagine, I do tell them to also learn to dance along with learning to talk.

Discussion:
A friend asked me after my last post on the body as the primal musical instrument if each person has at least a latent ability to dance.  I answered her in the words below, and then was inspired to write the above poem.

"Not every person weeps, but doing so is uniquely human.  Not every human being can talk, but that is uniquely human.  Not everyone can sing, but that is uniquely human.  Not everyone dances to music, but that is uniquely human.  Sometimes we teach each other not to be human; otherwise, we would do these things naturally."

Photo credit of boy: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/tweens/little-men-dont-cry

Follower: A job without promotion

Tangueros, would you dare try to lead this woman without knowing her power?

Revision of original

Definitions:
The Willing Follower:  A person willing to be lead and is not interested in a promotion or future leadership position.  [I don't know anyone like this, except in theory -- dance pedagogy.]

Female warriors have it better off in the military than many female tango dancers (in theory).

Females in the corporate world have it better off than many tangueras (in theory).

Okay, now I have said it.  I didn't want to.  But it slipped out.

Intelligent, talented women don't like being followers outside of tango under the same definitions of "follower" within tango -- people without the chance of promotion. This is especially true in roles that would stop them from ever having a chance to become a leader. They do not like being in a position without hope of promotion.  Tango, one would think, should be the worst dance in the world for intelligent, talented women.  Women do not want to be perennial privates in the Army or mail room clerks forever.

Notice, I have said above that the military and the corporate world are better for women than tango is for many tangueras.  Not for all.  Some women know instinctively how terribly deficient the word "follower" is for their role in the most magical dance of all partner dances.  The true role of a so-called follower gives her 50% of the responsibility of the dance of a Duet of Introversion.

So why haven't women spoken up about this problematic military analogy, called "follower"?  My theory is that women put on their tango shoes and feel the magic.  They shrug their shoulders and say, "Let's make tango, not war."  Or they just say "so what?" or they say "stop talking and let's dance."  The power of tango shoes.

Really, ladies, followership is a concept of subservient, mindless obediency, as it is expressed by many  tango instructors -- especially women instructors, who give lead-and-follow validity.  Why do you keep coming up with ways to protect a terrible term for something so beautiful as the rol femenino (the feminine role)?  How interesting it is how this term causes concern because of males who do a great job in the role.  If you are going to be sensitive, start with the most offensive term and work your way to the least offensive.

Why to you keep using this word, "follower," and then come up with excuses for it?  Imagine using a any rude, rank, and meaningless derogatory word and then trying to tell people its good side and philosophical uses!   Why is it that so many English-speaking dancers have decided to use this term to describe the nearly indescribable role you have in dancing tango?  Of all words, why the "f-word" -- "follower"?

Let's think philosophically for the next generation of dancers.  Leadership is a military concept.  Yet followership is not a military ideal.   Please trust me on this; I have over 20 years in the military.  Leadership is central to the warrior ethos. If a soldier is in a following position, it is only with the idea of learning to lead, learning what a true leader is.  Ever see a promotion ceremony at a milonga:  "Now she's a leader, first class"?  No.  Women do not need men leading them, and there is no need of promoting "followers" because they are not in reality followers.  They are women doing magical and wonderful things.  Intelligent things.  Creative things.  They are women.

Sure, some of the best teachers in the world use poor words to describe what they are doing.  But why are they good teachers?  Well, for one thing, we learn by doing.  If we relied just on their words -- we might learn the wrong spirit of what tango is, that is,  if we had only words like "lead and follow" to go on.

So what is the solution?  It is primal.  Easy.  You don't need a book.

Sex is the solution
Start using the words feminine role or simply "lady," "gal," or "woman."  "Lead-and-follow" has neutered tango.  That is something you might do to a cat, but please not tango!  The masculine role and feminine role are roles of the sexes.  Let's not take human sexuality out of tango!  Should we really desexualize the roles of tango?  God save us all!  What would the old milonguero ghosts say?  Surely this must be a sign of the world truly coming to an end! 

The True Leader
Also, we must have a philosophically sound way of describing the beauty of tango.   Lead and follow are dead-end terms because men are actually not leaders.  The music is and always has been the true leader which both roles must follow.  We form up like soldiers on the dance floor ready to march around in circles when the leader (the music) tells us to.  We go fast or slow because the leader tells us to.  And the true leader is a woman:  La Música.

The masculine and feminine roles are magical and mysterious.  Yin and Yang.  One is not powerful and the other not.  One is not creative and the other not.  Sharna, a local Washington DC, instructor calls the feminine role "the keeper of possibilities." 

Okay, all you "keepers of possibilities," can you lead the way here.  The lead in this issue cannot be a man!   I am getting tired of hearing you line up and call yourselves "followers" with only a slight cringe on your faces.

But perhaps I should just surrender in your arms.  You will take me out for a spin, and I will do things I never have done before.  I will sense how you hear the music and the music will sound all new for me.  At the end, you will tell me I'm a great leader. Because I have surrendered fully to you, I will politely agree, knowing that it was you who brought me there.  It was you who truly led me there.  Now, we both can be wrong together.  It was us with the music who led us to that magical place. 

 I just put on my tango shoes just now.  The power of tango shoes fills me.  I surrender.  You win.  Let's make tango, not war!  I will let you lead, and I will call you whatever you want. 

More on this subject: "The End of Leading is Near"  http://tango-therapist.blogspot.com/2010/11/end-of-leading-is-near.html    

Photocredit:
http://www.eaglefilms.com/despiser/Beserker_brochure1.htm  

What is your Floorcraft IQ?

He drives a lot better,
now that he's asking.

You may have never seen the above sign on a truck, but this is common in the US.  The sign on the back of the truck reads: "Tell me how I am driving" and then it lists a toll-free number.  


You can bet that the truck driver with that sign on his vehicle drives a lot better now.  Perhaps he used to be a bully, but now the toll-free number rings on his boss's desk.  Suddenly the driver he behaves very politely on the road.

How do you like my driving?

Imagine having signs on the men's backs at a milonga like this -- but don't do this.   Could you imagine the floorcraft improvement if we had how-am-I-driving signs on everyone's backs?   At the end of the night each tanguero would receive some advice from the others.   Again, DO NOT do this.  You might have fights, hard feelings and demotivate a bunch of tangueros!  But mentally every tanguero should be thinking about how other might rate them.

Imagine how other men and women might answer the below questionnaire.


Floorcraft Intelligence Quotient (FIQ)


On a scale of one to five, how was tanguero #?? in the following.

No extra credit for playing
bumper cars!

5 = very true  

4= mostly true     

3=sometimes true     

2= Often not the case.  

1= Not the case at all.

You would answer "0" if you did not experience a particular thing.

The best possible score is 5 points for each item, multiplied by by the number of items answered x 2 =  TIQ.

1. He enters the dance floor, leading the woman in a safe way (not led by her).
2. He kept with the flow of the dancers in front of him (not a "rock in the stream").
3. He danced near to me but without tailgating.
4. Never backed up into me -- and no close calls either).
5. Never bumped me or my partner -- or even came close to bumping.
6. Never ran his tanguera into me or my partner.
7. Stayed in a lane one or two but when it was crowded; never changed back and forth.
8. Appears to have his number one job as protecting his dance partner.
9. He can dance very well in a small place on the crowded dance floor.
10. If there is a mishap, he is pleasant and apologetic even if it is not his fault.

Extra credit info:
My best advice to this tanguero to help him and others enjoy tango in this milonga is:

Examples (write in or circle below):
1. Ask men you like to be frank to you about your floorcraft.

2. Keep up the good work.  I like dancing near you!

3. You are a great dancer, but please lead the way with your floor craft as well as your great dancing.

Photo Credit:

http://www.whytraveltofrance.com/2007/09/04/franco-american-conversations-how-am-i-driving/

Tangueros with signs:  Washington DC milonga "Cococabana."  José, Ruth, Mark and Deborah.

The Assertive Female Cabeceo

"As she slid across the table and looked into my eyes I realized she wanted to dance.  In fact I found her gaze irresistible."

I cannot argue with the majority of women who are sure that the cabeceo* is a male-generated requested to dance.  Recently, I even heard the words, "I hate the cabeceo" from a woman who is an advanced dancer.  If not the cabeceo then what?  But the argument goes on and on with the ladies who are sure that the cabeceo is for men, their egos and for women to be submissive.  ¡No comprendo, de veras!


All I know is that I dance with women who make it very clear that they would like to dance with me by their eyes and posture.   Who exactly is in charge of the initiation of the cabeceo is often an enigma.  I would even argue that any man who is in touch with the social skills of a primate, will be very aware of a woman's willingness to spend time with her -- even if it is just for one tanda.  And the same is true of a man's eyes.  Primates are awfully sophisticated with this sort of thing, you know. 


The argument comes back from women, "I can make it clear that I want to dance with him, but he still doesn't respond to my communication.  So it is clearly up to the man."  Not true.  How is that any different for me or any man?  I can show interest all night to a women and she may not respond.  Just because a man wants to dance with certain women, she can look uninterested or even off in another direction when he comes near.  Please tell me how is this "up to the man"?  


So to fix it all, some would stop using non-verbal cues to request a dance.  Does that mean I should now start asking all the women who have been looking away?  God save us, if men and women start asking everyone with whom they would like to dance.  There would be a wave of discontent at the milonga.   Let's try it for a night for the women who hate the cabeceo.  That would put an end to the controversy!


*Cabeceo:  From the word "cabeza" (head), a nod of the head, indicating a desire to dance.  For more on this and tango etiquette, please visit this link:  http://tango-beat.blogspot.com/p/los-codigos-tango-etiquette-made-easy.html

Photo credits:

Find some great cartoons about dance at

 http://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane/2011/06/07 .

TOGA Party Suggestions

TOGA Party Suggestions

True tangueros are not male elephants.  Well, most are not.

I am not talking about size or smell or the amount they eat at the snack table.

Male elephants are loners.  The bulls go about life just finding the next "dance" and fighting other bulls.  True tangueros, I believe, are not bulls.  Female elephants like bulls; tangueras do not -- at least the tangueras I know.  So let's cut the bull.

Recently, a tanguera friend told me of a problem in a small community I've never visited had a "bull" fighting over territory.  I will give him an alias name to protect the innocent:  Bull E. (the older, experienced dancer) was hassling a the less experienced dancer.  Evidently Bull E. felt the younger tanguero was using too much space on the dance floor and told him so.  Ironically, Bull E. is notoriously all over the floor, zooming between lanes and then ends up in the middle doing super-cool-look-at-me stage moves.  Now if the younger dancer joined the bull at his own level, what would we have?  Two "bulls" having a fight to the death.  You know the center of the floor is really not used very much; so why not have it out there?  Make it quick, of course, during a cortina.  Or maybe not -- on second thought.

Here is my suggestion for "cutting the bull out of your community," if fighting to the death is contrary to local laws and codes of ethics:  Especially small communities need a TOGA party (TOGA = Tangueros Only Group & Association).

I imagine a TOGA party could be a sub-party at every milonga, but I think that an informal men's group could be very helpful.  Women have been great at defining their role in modern society, but I feel that we men are way behind on defining what it means to be a man in the modern world (now that we fully acknowledge that women have brains).  The tango community is a great place to learn what it is to be a man with a brain in a world with women who also have brains. I am not being sarcastic here, really.  In some ways, tango simplifies male energy and female energy much better than in modern life.  Female energy -- if you have read any of my earlier blogs -- is not subservient or submissive but essential for male energy to co-create and truly dance.  Male energy is ... well, what is it? That is what TOGA party would be for.  I mostly know what male energy is by what it is not:   Male energy is NOT fully to blame (as some teachers say) if things are not working.  Male energy is not just talking to a submissive energy that is doing all the listening.  It is not JUST pushing, pulling/pulling/indicating (marcando), dragging (arrastrando).  My best guess is that the male energy is part of a magical mix of yin/yang, male/female, thesis/synthesis or the musical note/musical pause that creates something far too complex and magical to name in human language.  We men could be far better about figuring out what it truly means to be a man in the modern world and that includes in the modern world of tango, which is full of very talented tangueras.

Mark's TOGA Party Online
In a sense this blog is my TOGA Party with many other men.  Today, a tanguero wrote me from across the world to say that he discovered my blog a few months ago, and he has read nearly every entry since 2009 on my blog.  He and I are not elephants, loners fighting over territory and tangueras, but finding connection as two men trying to figure out the magic of tango and how it affects our lives.  He sent me an email to cheer me on.  Welcome to the Online TOGA Party, Tanguero!

What do you say, Tangueros?  Shouldn't our Tangueros Only Group & Association should have a vision statement and tenets?   Here's a rough draft (I'd like your ideas too):

TOGA Vision Statement:  Group members help define their role in the community to make it supportive of new members and a sanctuary for those who have long taken part in the community.  Tangueros play an active role with tangueras to help the community to grow in it cohesiveness.

Tenets for Social Animal Citizenship as a TOGA member:

• Introduce yourself not just to tangueras but also tangueros.  Get to know them.
• Recognize how other men influence your dance and actively appreciate them rather than competing with them.  (The tango floor may look like a race track but the competitive mind is usually the loser on the social dance floor.)
• TOGA members are protective of the vulnerable partner (bare legs, open shoes, sometimes with her eyes closed) and are working with other Tangueros to keep the entire flow of the milonga safe and fun.  [Tanguero=the role not one's gender.]
• Cutting the Bull:  TOGA members do not participate in BS, which includes aggressive posturing, territorialism, dangerous moves, racing through a tight dance floor, or trumpeting (excessive talking-while-dancing).
• Let's talk about the biggest pile of BS:  TOGA members will pull a bull aside and gently ask him to join the human race.  Here is the worst kind of bull and his M.O. --   1.  A novice tanguera arrives in the community.  2.  He uses his intermediate to advanced tango skills to become her lover,  and then lastly, number 3.  When their affair comes to an end (as it has over and over), she is then forever gone from the community and probably tango, eschewing the beauty of tango as a dangerous addiction.  Her disappearance is a huge loss for her and the entire community.  TOGA members do not tolerate this BS, nor should tangueras.  But, Tangueros, why should the women have the job of confronting this bull!?  If a tanguero and tanguera fall in love with each other from the community, that is a different thing altogether.  People somewhat established in the tango community are "consenting adults." But seducing novices over-and-over is not okay at all.  Every larger community has at least one of these bulls.  TOGA members are watching you!

A note to the ladies:  

TOGA is for men but it is truly all about those whom we adore -- you!  Tangueros are not exclusively men either, but those who dance in this role.  Many readers of this blog are women.  I am not excluding you.  Women lead the way in most tango communities with their own Tangueras Only Groups (TOGs).  These groups bind together the tango community, enhancing the cohesiveness of the community by developing solidarity at several levels.  Ladies believe me, you don't need a bull in the milonga china shop, and the TOGA Party may be the best way to cut out the bull entirely.  I am not BS'ing you.  :-)

Photo Credit:  Joanne Tullis http://www.city-data.com/picfilesc/picc44622.php 

Men: Don't let another man lead her

One man, one woman...and tango.  ¡Basta!

Last night Maxi Gluzman taught before the milonga at Eastern Market in DC.  As much as I loved his class and used a few of his concepts at the milonga, I never let him lead my tanguera for the rest of the night.  He taught a very tasty milonguero step that added to what I have been enjoying lately:  Namely, walking two steps to her one (when the music calls for it), but he added the idea of having the man's two steps to be syncopated to her one step.*  Later, after the class, Maxi was no longer leading my partner.  Maxi was off dancing with another woman.


Why let another man into the private space between you and your partner?  If I were to dance just a step in spite of the music, then I would have been allowing Maxi to lead my partner.  When the music leads a step, then another man is no longer leading.  Make sense?


Dancing just steps, however, happens all too much at milongas.  Men learn a bunch of things in a class, and then they lead what another man led (or taught) in a class without the music dictating that it makes sense.  Now we have a threesome.  Women do automatic things too -- so we now have way too many invitations of other people into our private space.**


The solution to this is to stop leading.  And of course stop allowing another man (or woman) to jump into the mix.  The music leads.  Period.  Women who listen to the music, go on a wonderful journey with me.  I am not forced to lead them.  Musically and metaphorically speaking, I am in my role (giving the "tone" of movement), and if she stays in her role (being the "rest" of movement), the music can now lead.  If I didn't know better (that music leads both men and women), I would say to my lady after a magical tanda:  "Wow, you are really a great leader."  Just because I did things I had never done before and our movement was so unique and wonderful, that does not make her a leader.  This is just as true for men.  The music leads.  IF we let it.  If a woman tells me I led well, I try to say: "We heard the music, and it led us so wonderfully. ¿No?"  But this often goes over their heads, because the usual analogy for tango is officer/soldier (leader/follower).  Sad.  But true.  They look at me as if I said something in Norwegian with a Chinese accent. 


You do not have to be a musicologist or know which orchestra is playing.  Your body will know that something different is happening if you allow it to happen.  Please tell me I am not the only one.  Haven't you too noticed that sometimes it seems that tangueros/as are dancing IN SPITE of the music.  And at the moment I am writing about tango not salsa, which is notoriously a patchwork of cool moves, having nothing to do with the music.  [Aside: I dance salsa and love it.  It doesn't have to be that way, but it too often is just a patchwork of moves.]  Tango is indeed generally danced improvisational in harmony with the music, but sometimes I fear that this will be lost eventually.  Please don't say, "That will never happen."  Churches are full of liturgies because the improvisational art in many traditions was lost centuries ago.  Baroque music was basically improvisational -- an improvisational art form that is all but lost.  Even the art of Jazz is often just read from sheet music without a moment of improvisation.  Ouch!

I don't want to give up hope. Lack of musicality may be a beginner problem.  Well, it is.  Some beginners have been dancing for well over 10 years. Recently I saw a video of world championships for tango in Buenos Aires.  Oh the horror!  My mouth dropped open and I went into a moment of depression:  I beheld experienced dancers who swept across the floor before the judges, mostly doing "wonderful" flowing movements no matter what was being played in a series of thee songs.  I was horrified.  The music was suggesting much different moves and stops, but few were listening.  I guess that what distinguished the winners in that competition.  They were being led by the music.  


Let me share a transformational moment in my tango development that I nearly had forgotten until this moment.  In the summer of 2009, I was away from home, and I decided I would go to local milonga near the airport.  Because of not knowing anyone, a first song of a tanda had me dancing very simply.  At the time I thought it was especially funny how I danced incredibly straight forward, but musically.  At the song's end the tanguera pulled back and said, "That was incredible. No one dances like that here!"  This really was a transformational moment in my tango development that a woman would be so astounded at my dancing when it was not only super simple but absolutely "dialed in" musically.  The MUSIC is really incredible.  


Are we allowing the most wonderful leader, the music, to lead?   One man, one woman...and tango.  That's enough!




*The two to one rhythm is usually her on the bass and the man on a marching bandoneón or pizzicato violins playing straight eights.  He taught that she would stay on the bass but the man is on 1e// + 2e// + 3e// (assuming 4/4 time), and the last she cross in unison to the man.  Very nice, Maxi! 


**The theme of this article is only metaphorical of allowing another person into your relationship.  Before my comment box, email and Facebook comments get slammed full of objections, let me suggest that , of course, speaking metaphorically is problematic.  Influence of other people is normal and accompany us everywhere, including our most intimate spaces.  I was just trying to get your attention. :-)


Photo credit:  http://www.ajaxallpurpose.blogspot.com/

Tactical versus Strategic Tango

Milonga de los Santos, Washington, District of Columbia

Tango is war.

It was a battle just to come to the milonga, to even get out the door.  It was trench warfare to learn how to dance well.  It was hand to hand combat to learn how to avoid rejection or to attract good dancers at your level.  You have the purple heart from the shrapnel from stilettos ripping into your flesh from the friendly-fire boleo of a friend who did not see you.  Or you may have trusted a leader who turned out to be a suicide bomber, who used you as a weapon of mass destruction.

The truth is that life is a war, and no one survives.  But we can be honorable warriors, loyal to our family and values, courageous in our community, fighting social injustice.  In everything we do we can be warriors rather than fighters.  And tango is no different.  I am working at this.

Let me explain the difference between a fighter and a warrior:

A fighter has no stragegy of his or her own.  However, a warrior embodies both a strategy and tactical skill.  Both are important.  Learning to be a warrior allows you to survive and thrive in tango for a lifetime rather than the very low average in the US.  I would wager that few tangueros/tangueras make it past five years who do not learn to balance the tactical with the personal strategic skills of a warrior.

Examples:
Tactical Tango                        Strategic Tango
Taking steps                             Pausing, listening, being in the moment
Dancing on the beat                 Knowing the song/orchestra's version
Series of steps learned            The music decides the step
One cabeceo at a time             Introducing friend who isn't dancing
Dancing with the best              Helping the good become better
Drinking water                          Meeting someone at the water table
Poise after rejection                 Learning from rejection or letting go
Protecting your tanguera         Gently guiding the rogue dancer/beginner male
Not going backwards              Learning flow, craft, cunning on la pista
Going to milongas                   Help organize or support the community

Chances are that if you came home from some severe milonga-battlefield conditions that you won't have PTSD (Post-Tango Sulking Disorder) if you have been a warrior and not just a fighter.

What Men can learn from Leading Ladies

Abstract:  This post is on what tangueras-who-lead teach men about their role to protect a women, and why men are not obsolete.  Also, a description of the psychological profile of females who venture into the Rol Masculino de Tango.  A list of sociological research questions are suggested at this article's conclusion.

Courtesy of Toulouse-Lautrec

Definitions first:

Floorcraft is the ability to dance in a social setting, harmonizing with:

• The dancers around you, maintaining safety for all dancers;
• The "traffic" (direction, velocity and lanes) of dance;
• The music (not dancing tango to milonga, for example);
• The space and general ambiance of the room;
• One's partner and his/her level of experience;
• The conditions of the floor surface;
• The conditions of safety/danger caused by rogue dancers or unknowing beginners;
• The general respect to remain silent;
• One's partner's soul (fully present, not watching who came in, how you look in the mirror as you dance, or observing who was watching that last great show-move you made).

Gentlemen, my last post was how men learn from men and about other men through women.  This post is about knowing more about ourselves and what it truly means to be aware of our masculinity by what is missing when we watch women in dance in the rol masculino.  

I have no answers of why women can dance so well in the masculine role but generally seem to have poor floorcraft.  From the definition above I am mostly talking about issues lady leads have with unsafe maneuvers and talking while dancing.  I will stay silent on the second "issue."

Being a great dancer is not gender specific.  However, I wonder if the protecting one's partner is more gender specific.  Men generally have the protective persona down.  It is perhaps one of the best qualities of a generally problematic characteristic called "machismo."  My underlying thesis here has little to with women, but rather, that male rogue dancers are ultimately not masculine.  Nicely said, rogue male dancers have abdicated their masculine role.


Women who lead are often the best dancers in the community.  So one would expect great floorcraft.  Of course, there are exceptions (see "honorable mention" below), but these ladies are rare in my admittedly limited four-year experience of female leaders dancing near me.  I realize that this is not a politically correct observation, and that maybe I will have a lot of criticism about this post.  So let me say this ahead of time:  You are right.  It was stupid of me to even say anything about this subject.  What was I thinking when I wrote this!

For anyone who is looking for a doctoral thesis in sociology, let me suggest an interesting study on male/female roles as seen in tango.  What I observe is counter-intuitive:   I would expect the opposite of what I often observe from women.  I would think that ladies really understand how vulnerable women are on the dance floor.  Experienced tangueras all have been hurt or have seen seriously painful accidents by the time they decide to lead.  Poor male "leaders" are rampant in the world.  We have a name for these men which I will censor from my post.  However, the rule is that cabelleros are taking care of all those dancing in the rol femenino on the dance floor.  There are a few caballeras [an actual Spanish word], as I am defining them here, out on the dance floor.  A true Caballero/a (gentleman or gentlewoman) is one acting the part of a gentleman tanguero, dancing responsibly and socially.

The Psychological Profile of Lady Leaders:

1.  Alpha females:  Mostly the best tangueras become leaders.  But predating their tango days, they probably were alpha females.  As alpha females they take initiative -- instead of just sitting it out.  Often they are teachers.
2.  Got-to-Dance Persona:  If I were a woman, I would not be perhaps an alpha female, but I would be dancing either by myself or with anyone around if a man did not ask me to dance.  

3.  Iconoclast Personality:  The lady leader motto generally is to "...dance as if no one is watching."  I value this quality of thought!  A Lady Leader has to be her own person.  I am one who has done many things, such as learning how to unicycle or street hockey with my children in spite of what my neighbors thought about "adult behavior."  However, there is a dark side to "not caring."  It can go too far to the side of being "anti-social."  And that is what seems to be happening with many Lady Leaders.

Note:  I have heard Alpha Females expound that men (and some women) may be jealous or have issues about two women dancing/touching.  I do not think that most men are worried about these issues.  I can at least speak for myself here:  I am not jealous of women dancing better than I.  However, I am disgusted with anyone who puts MY lady into danger and causes chaos on the dance floor.  

Honorable Mention:

The best example of a true "caballera" in the DC area is a female teacher from Baltimore.  I love dancing with her when she changes to heels or next to her when she is in the rol masculino.  However, the greatest female "leader," I ever have seen has been at two tango festivals I have attended.  She is a marvelous milonguera traditionalist.  The women love to dance with her.  I am in awe of how fully she dances the rol masculino.  She tends to dance in the second lane and I dance nearly always in the outside lane; so I don't dance behind or in front of her, but I notice her wonderful floorcraft.  Interestingly, I have never seen her dance in the female role.

More recently I have observed several woman who lead.  In most cases they talked the whole time. Many female leaders are teachers.  Teachers, especially female teachers in the masculine role, tend to be fairly adept at "skating."  (Skating is my term for any dancer who weaves in and out of other dancers on a crowded dance floor.  I would like to have everyone stop and put on protective gear when skaters are on the dance floor, as I did for myself and children on ice rinks in Germany.)  Women skaters tend to be more adept than male skaters, but they are still a danger on the social dance floor.  Is the issue, then, not women but that they are teachers?  I don't think so; however, it could be.  Male teachers are rogue dancers too, perhaps because they feel they must advertise their abilities.  They take up way too much room and seem to think that everyone is giving space to them out of respect.  No, it is not respect, it is our job to protect our partners from anti-social rogue dancers.  (Strong language?  "Anti-social" as I use the word here is causing danger in a social context.")  Although I know of ONE MAN who dances with his eyes closed, I have seen leading ladies do this more than once.  Frightening!

I should mention a Lady Leader whom I know only from my tango blog.  She is from northern Europe.  She was one of the only females that spoke up in agreement with my complaint of men-bashing on a blog from Germany that blamed and criticized men at every level, including being generally less than everything tangueras are.  (See below link.)  Interestingly, in an email to me, this leading lady confirmed that she went through a phase of blitzing around the dance floor at first, but has learned to dance in her own space.  Hats off to her!

I think it would be an interesting sociological research question about role reversals, as demonstrated on the dance floor at a milonga.

My research questions:

1.  Is it really true that woman are "skaters" -- or is this just anecdotal observation from one man's experience?  Videos of women leaders could document the differences of men and women in the masculine role.  Would this show one way or another if indeed ladies tend to be "skaters"?   My guess:  Absolutely true, as experienced from female dancers from at least seven countries (including Argentina) and four continents.  

2  If it is true, what are the contributing factors for poor dance floor etiquette (in spite of knowing the rules and having seen consequences for poor floorcraft)?  Research questions -- is it one or more of these issues?:

  a.  The Show-Off Teacher Marketing Phenomenon (male/female teachers being equal)?

  b.  The Alpha-Female (assertive woman) Phenomenon?

  c.  The Iconoclast Personality Phenomenon.  It's great to be an iconoclast, but not when it comes to putting others in physical danger.  

  d.  The Free-at-Last Phenomenon -- women finally free to express the music in a more direct way, now just are going wild, at least at first?

  e.  The Male Culture/Genetic Wiring Hypothesis:  Are women less culturally aware of the man's role to protect?  They have learned a dancing role, but have less experience of what culture expects of a man in protecting a woman?

  f.  Or perhaps is it merely the figment in the imagination of the Tango Therapist?

I think that "e" (above) is the most likely explanation of role behavior problems, and also the easiest fix. And now I am going to indulge in some finger-pointing and blaming:  The tango community has few teachers who talk directly about floorcraft.  The Tangosutra Festival was the biggest exception to this general problem.  Teaching women leaders about the epicenter of their role as a leader is generally missing. And guess what? It is missing too often for men any any tango curriculum.  The difference (so my hypothesis goes), is that men have learned this protective role from years of cultural training and perhaps even a tad of genetic wiring that it is a man's role to protect the woman.

I expect that my limited experience on this subject will be irksome to some tangueras and tangueros.*  I welcome comments.  In the end, perhaps the issues of being a cabellero and what it REALLY means to be a man will make MEN better at what I see as their primary role -- to protect their partner.  

For now, I can at least suggest that men are still not obsolete in spite of what we hear from too many self-assured women.*

*An example of the poor view of men that some tangueras have follows.  Please read the link below from a female teacher (who by the way is a great teacher and dancer).  My synopsis of her opinion and many female commenters:  tangueros are generally awkward dolts.  To me it is scary how many female commenters liked what had been said here.  If we changed around the genders and a man wrote this, it would have been clearly "misogynous" and outrageous to men and women alike.  


Here is the link:  http://melinas-two-cent.blogspot.com/2010/11/good-news-really.html  

Men Learning from Each Other

Because of a gender imbalance, men have fewer chances to learn both roles.  It wasn't that way in early Argentina when women were very rare indeed.  Men learning to dance with other men was common.  Gender imbalance has its advantages and disadvantages for those forced to sit too much. I, for one, get exhausted with all the demand for my role.  I have too many friends and favorite dancers who are sitting too much, and then if I go to a practica, the same issue follows me there!

Men learning from each other is still common, but maybe not as easy as it was in the early days of tango in Argentina:

What my teenage son taught me about tango

My son, Ben, told me about my face when I dance.  He also commented about my partners' faces too.  He honed in on what women would say after a tanda or in between songs to me.  I was sometimes amazed at how well he heard from across the room. What I learned from him was that women are best advertising for male dancers -- or the worst.

Ladies can be beacons sending out beams of blissful looks, or their faces can be blinking red lights of "Warning! Danger! Torture!"  Or maybe their faces are less dramatic with, "I am am bored out of my mind."

Men are getting scared all the time on the dance floor.  So distressed looks might be part of our job.  At least, I know that I get distressed that the lady in front of me with naked legs might get hurt by the couple near us if I do not watch out for her.

Men also may have the overly pensive look from listening to the music, reading her level of ability or how tired she is.  We can have all sorts of faces, and I think that no one really cares much.

Women are different.  What they advertise says it all to other women.  And are the men looking at my face or her face?  If she looks like she is in a blissful trance then men will want to dance with her, rather than a woman who looks as if she is wasting her time with someone below her level.  This is what I call the female prerogative in money and in tango skill.  In both areas, statistically women pair with men who earn more money or dance with men who have more skill than she does.  Even is okay too.

My sons, Ben and Toby came to a milonga with me, as I said earlier.  They are both musicians and I wanted them to hear the orchestra.  I danced with a tanguera mexicana, who is one of my favorite tangueras.  Ben asked me if I thought that she liked dancing with me.  I said, "I know she does.  We talk about it, and she comes and seeks me out.  We have practiced together." Ben said, "She looked bored.   She looked bored with not just you, Dad," he assured me.  I knew that she often looked bored as she was dancing, but I imagined that she was smiling with me.  This is called delusions of grandeur.  Not quite, however.  I really did know that she was having fun.  I started watching her and she always looked bored.  Then, being the perfectly frank teen that he is, Ben told me that I looked like I was in pain.  "Well, that is the blues musician look that I developed long ago," I said.  "Also, if you understood the lyrics you might understand my look of despair."  But what great insights!  I thanked my teen son for his honesty.  I really did not want to convey pain in my face because I am having so much joy in my dance.  It turned out that my tanguera mexicana had heard from ladies about looking bored, and she said she really had to work on changing that!


Some have said that in tango it is okay to "fake it."  Hmmmmmmm.   I don't think ladies need to fake it.  I think that they might need to watch videos of themselves and then ask themselves if they really are being fair to the feelings they have.  There is way too many overly serious looks on the floor.  What happened to the adage:  "As in life, so in tango"?   Do we want to look so serious when we are in bliss with our friends and family?

Here is a picture of me dancing with a delightful person and fun tanguera before my son told about my look of pain.  I look like deeply saddened man during a moment that I still remember in Denver last summer.  It hurts to share it, but here it is below.  I am in the background with the face of pain.  The women on the side of the dance floor probably are wondering what she is doing to cause such pain and doom in my face.  Pretty funny, really, because I look pitiful but I am in bliss!

Okay, having said that I look in pain, let me assure you that I was not.  The below picture reveals the wonderful tanguera both in personality and ability with whom I am dancing.  Thank God she wasn't "advertising" what I was!

I am now trying to inform my face about my joy and happiness.  As a musician people said they liked to watch my facial expression, but this is tango.  Those music performance days are over.  I have no desire to play publicly anymore because tango so fills my need to express myself musically.   This is a new era for me.  It was once being on stage and performing for many.  Now it is a duet with the soul in front of me.  And IF someone is watching, I wish not to advertising the wrong thing for what I am feeling.  I also have an obligation to tell everyone what a wonderful dancer I have in my arms, no matter what her level.  Ethically, it is downright mean to have a tortured face behind her back (close embrace) or to her face if she is doing her best in open embrace.

When I can do that, I can only hope that the ladies I dance with will do it for me too.

The End of Leading is Near

No, not "the end of the world is near" but for tango -- "the end of leading and following is near." 


I predict (and pray for) the end of leading and following in tango!  This model is so unfortunate -- a misguided analogy.  It worked for centuries.  A new paradigm is needed to describe gender roles in tango.

Tango teaches us some great lessons about the nature of roles, and we are mostly missing its wisdom.  "Lead/follow" was how a culture and an era of machismo described what tango was.  Machismo is not evil.  But it is a limited way of expressing role differences.  I do believe that tango has so very beautiful expressions of machismo -- its more enlightened side, but that is a different topic (what it means to be a gentle-man).  

Count Basie and Tango
It occurred to me to use an anti-lead/follow analogy with a woman who was so far behind the beat that it was unnerving.  She was "rusty," she said.  She hadn't been dancing for a year, but I sensed that her delay was that she wanted me to interpret the music for her and not hear it for herself.  Something that Count Basie said came to mind.  His principle for good music was that it is not what you play, it is what you don't play that makes the music good.  So, assuming that Count Basie was right, I suggested that the woman is the "rest" or pause (that which is NOT played) between the man's "note" or impulse.  I also suggested that the music was the true leader.  The most magical thing happened.  She danced about five levels higher after that.  Since sharing this with other women, I have noticed a huge change in our creativity level.  Free at last for both have a say in the creativity of dance.  

The True Leader is Amazing

If there is no leader we have a problem.  I agree fully.  What in the world are we doing out on that floor?  Why are we moving?  Who starts the dance?  The leader!  The reason people start moving is because the leader is speaking to them to do so.  And, of course, Music is that leader!  The true leader.  It leads us not into temptation, but delivers us from the evils of tortured dancing.  Translated literally from Spanish (la música), we should say, "She leads us."  Movement is up to the couple, but She has attempted to lead us.  One person plays the "note," the other allows the pause between the notes (not pulling into the next movement but allows it).

With these two philosophical agreements with a partner (that the music is the true leader, and that the woman is the creative pause between notes), I find that dancing feels "enlightened." I see women making a huge paradigm shift in the way they dance.  I no longer have have to translate la Música's lead, but we co-create what She has led.  Women who are even beginners "lead" me to new discoveries.

Other Analogies for Role Behavior in Tango

The biological model of man and woman indicate that the man gives impulse and in the woman's womb something new is created.  Lead/follow and talk/listen and me-Tarzan-you-Jane models do not describe the biological model of creation between a man and a woman -- nor the beauty of tango.  Other analogies may also help get us closer (but they are only analogies): Yin and Yang / magnetic poles / note and rest / director and producer.  These analogies maintain role separations as being absolutely necessary while not diminishing one or the other.

Sociology of Roles

I just met a woman sociologist and she teaches her students to break away from role limitations.  Are roles automatically limiting and bad?  Tango, she said, dampens her spirit, but paradoxically she likes it.  I agree with her struggle with how her teachers mostly have presented tango as "man-do-talking/woman-do-listening." Tango has a lesson for her (and all of us): That making the sexes all the same and having equal roles is going to the other extreme by eliminating roles altogether.  Role switching is perfect for somethings.  For example, good conversations are trade-offs on lead/follow and talk/listen.  So roles can switch, but conversation as an analogy for tango is problematic.  Lesbian/gay couples are ahead of the rest of us for switching roles, but for the rest of us, extreme listen/talk roles or role switching is not the result we are seeking.  So the question is why in the heck are we using this analogy at all to describe tango?

The Great Feeling of a Woman "Leading"

With a woman who attends to her very active role of creating the next moment after an inpulse, I want to say to her, "Because of you I was taken to the next level."  Such women bring me ("lead me") to a level of joy that is nothing short of magical.  Often after I have said this (and it happens all the time), my partner self-deprecates herself by saying: "I just followed what you led."  No, sorry.  I was the note and you, mi tanguera maravillosa, were the rest, the creative pause.  Without you "we" would not have happened.  The music-of-movement was "us" not what a mere mortal led.  

Counting on the Count*
Mr Basie was right.  The most wonderful music is created by the rests not by the notes alone.  Ladies -- you inspire me.  It feels like you have led me somewhere I have never gone!  You must feel the same thing because you often tell me, "you led that so well."  I am sure now.  I experience this at every milonga:  La Música leads us both.  We listen to Her.  I give an impulse, I am the note, and you allow a wonderful pause.  I move into the next impulse because you create that moment.  I do something I had never done before.  It may feel as if you led it or you may feel I led it, but really, I was the note and you were the pause; I was what was played and you were what was not played.  Honey, we make beautiful música together.

*Regarding Count Basie.  I suggest a book by Dizzie Gillespie:  To Be or Not . . . to Bop.  A whole new brand of Jazz musicians came out of what Count Basie was doing -- playing less and pausing more.

Next post:
What women "leaders" teach men about being a man.  This will be provocative.  More on the sociology of roles and what it means to be a man, and why "leader" women have difficulty protecting their partner.  Yes, provocative.  Sharpen your pitchforks!  The End of Leading is Near (part II).

A woman and her Shoes: Bad News. Really.

Men are dolts.  I keep hearing lately how stupid we are via tango blog chatter.  The newest thing I hear -- in jest -- is that men see only if shoes are dark or light.  Shall I tell ladies the truth?  That we are not dolts?  That we DO see shoes in more than two shades?  That we can wear nice clothes.  That we do take a shower?  That we like dancing with women who are first kind and second good dancers, first kind and then beautiful?  Now the secret is out.

Not that all women think men are dolts.  The ones who beam and love life -- the women and men around them; the women who don't rely on anyone for their emotional wellness, they are dancing and having fun.  They are not bitter about men.  Those women, I believe, are who are bitter are those who have been misguided by thinking that they must follow, men must lead; misguided that men talk and women must listen; misguided that women should be seen (be beautiful) but not be heard (participate actively in the dance); misguided that women must sit and wait and the man must choose (OMG is that naive, or what?)  They are bitter beings, and have few good things to say about men.

All of this is caused by the misguided world-view of way too many tango teachers who have chosen the machismo of Argentina to explain the phenomenon of the beauty of tango.  Oh, I am sorry, machismo is not an issue in Argentina or Latin America?  Not everything from any culture is all good, and even machismo is not all bad, but the question here is does the macho-world view of Argentina describe the interaction between a man and a woman who are dancing tango.  Short answer:  "No!"

But this post is not about my usual rant about Me-Tarzan-You-Jane tango philosophy.  It is about men being belittled -- even in a joking way.  And it is about the truth about men not being dolts.

Humor reveals interesting hidden feelings, like the video clip:  "Men don't even notice your shoes.  They see that she has on either light or dark shoes and that is all."  Funny -- but women will add, "...but oh so true."  

If women who buy too many shoes only knew how important their shoes are, then they would only buy more shoes.  That is why any man who is a gentleman will not say anything about how important her shoes are.  I don't advocate buying a bunch of shoes, but let me say, shoes make a big difference.

Okay, guys -- especially with shoe-craving wives, please forgive me for revealing the truth about us men not being so stupid.  I really should say nothing.  Cosmopolitan Magazine will get a hold of it, and women's obsession for pretty shoes will only go up.  The overloaded increase in demand for shoes may cause violence in shoe stores as the lines get longer and longer and the buyers more desperate.

But the truth must come out.  Men DO notice shoes.  I can even tell without looking if a woman is using salsa shoes or tango shoes.  I avoid looking into anyone's eyes watching on the dance floor periphery as I dance.  I look slightly down.  I see a pair a shoes.  I say, "I want to dance with the woman in those shoes."  And later I look at her eyes and nod (actually look down at her shoes) and then we dance.  Some people call this nod a "cabezeo."  It is actually the wobble of a man's head as it goes from eyes to shoes.

Then when I see that she is taller than last time from her stilettos, I restrain from saying in a low, soft, sexy voice in her ear, "Querida, size does matter."  At the end of the night, I insist on helping her get out of her shoes.  Her husband's eyebrows go up, but she lets me. He wants to kill me, but not because of my hands on her feet but because NOW she knows, and their budget for buying a house has been trashed.

I told you; this is not going to make things better.  I am taking down my sign outside my door that says "Cabellero."  I just realized something.  I am a dolt after all.  This was all bad news.  Really.

P.S.
If you want good news.  Here is something for you:  http://melinas-two-cent.blogspot.com/2010/11/good-news-really.html  
Please note how the good news continues in the comments to this blog -- how nearly every woman agrees with the good news that men are truly less then the better half of the world.  Shoe sales will stay stable.  That is the good news.

Tarzan goes to Buenos Aires

What do you mean?  You never saw the film "Tarzan Goes to Buenos Aires"?

I am sure you must have seen this film.  I'll remind you about the plot:  


Tarzan and Jane go to Buenos Aires.  At first Tarzan goes out on the floor with Jane and leads her, shoving her around the floor.  And Jane, being told that she must follow and yield entirely to the lead, is not even thinking about the music.  Jane's legs are all tangled, and her steps have nothing to do with the music because she is so delayed trying to figure out what in the hell Tarzan is attempting to lead.


Tarzan, we find as the plot deepens, actually hears the jungle beat of African Canyenge in his blood.  But Jane is just following the abbreviated, overly macho teaching method that leaves it all up to the man.  It works with most women in Buenos Aires because all the little girls grow up with tango.  The Argentinian women are being led by the music in spite of their teachers' misguided instruction.


My favorite part of the movie was severely cut from the original, but a few moments remain in the released version. In this scene, Tarzan makes love to Jane after a frustrating day of classes at a tango dance studio.  They experience the simple synchronization of love, harmonizing of souls and the embrace of tenderness.  A tango plays on the radio in the background.  They realize that the music is leading these most wonderful, tender moments.  That night they miraculously dance as well as ever, synchronized by the music's lead.  Jane turns to Tarzan, and is the first to utter these often repeated words,  "Tarzan, I think tango is a vertical expression of our horizontal desires."  Yes, that was Jane -- a little known urban myth that I just started.

After spending time in the Milonga Jungle in Buenos Aires, including being caught in a raging river of bodies swirling on the pista, during which they nearly die, the movie ends with peaceful, tender scene.  Jane turns to Tarzan after they dance a wonderful tanda and says,  "Tarzan your movement to the music is like deep bass notes vibrating through my soul.  I feel as if my soul can harmonize and and I can sing songs with my body which I never knew I had in me." 


Tarzan, not really knowing what to say, replies,  "Me Tarzan; you Jane."  


NOW do you remember the film?