tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post1002009121076582034..comments2024-03-21T05:39:38.636-04:00Comments on Tango Therapist: What to do with Tango Kitty LitterTango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-76254526294675139492011-09-18T16:39:40.280-04:002011-09-18T16:39:40.280-04:00Querida Anonima: Absolutely right. There are two...Querida Anonima: Absolutely right. There are two sayings from wisdom literature that come to mind. "Don't throw your pearls before swine." And a parable of the sower, who threw seed out on the different types of soil. Some women will not hear the few words of wisdom of a friend or concerned stranger. Elisabeth probably has the skills to know not to throw out her pearls of wisdom ... well, I won't call the new tanguera a "swine" but if she does not hear, she might be sleeping with a pig. Your friend also must have known that only a few words were enough to help a tanguera. For those who do not know the Galilean Prophet's parable of the sower it is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_SowerTango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-34030462994429084732011-09-18T13:50:29.722-04:002011-09-18T13:50:29.722-04:00Hi Mark,I was recently in a room of tango dancers ...Hi Mark,<br>I was recently in a room of tango dancers where I knew only one person. After I danced with one man, my friend (male) discretely pulled me aside and said, "Watch out for that guy." That's all he said--no drama, no long explanation, just a word to the wise. It did confirm my gut feeling from my time dancing with "that guy." My friend's few words added to the information I had already gathered so that I could make the right choice for me. He was not telling me what to do. And, I suspect, that once he had warned me, that he didn't spend a lot of time ruminating about it. <br> <br>I think that my friend has found the simplest solution to the tango cat problem. A whispered, "Watch out for that guy," then let it go and let the lady act accordingly. <br> <br>Even if she still dances (or more) with the guy, she will still have that additional information about his "pattern and practice" (as my lawyer friend used to say). We can't know what's in people's head. Maybe she has her reasons for being with him--she's flattered; she's lonely; she's playing games, too; she's still working out toxic relationship issues and he's another "learning experience"...<br> <br>I understand why a senior tanguera would not want to play mother hen to all the ingenues. Nonetheless, if she can manage, as my friend did, to say something, and not hold onto any emotion about it, it needn't ruin her evening.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-67901914588122060672011-09-17T20:45:13.060-04:002011-09-17T20:45:13.060-04:00Querida Anonymous! The wife or girlfriend phenome...Querida Anonymous! The wife or girlfriend phenomenon was touched on in "Kasimir der Tango-Kater" (Kasimir the tango tomcat). I added some words to the original German -- the reference to the French wife accepting the presence of a mistress. This woman is *least* capable of intervening of all in the community -- like a mother who accepts the spoiled little boy behavior of her 7 year old who is driving everyone mad. Yes mom SHOULD intervene, but she will not. As Elizabeth (above) has pointed out, sometimes one has to back away. I have realized, though that in smaller communities it is not wise *for oneself* to stay in one's own lane. The tomcat can destroy the entire community. An analogy might be the spiritual life of a small community fully destroyed by a preacher bedding all the new, young ladies who come to church. In a large city, life might go on, but in a small community the legacy of a preacher tomcat may go on for many generations. The small town spiritual leader could have rallied people together, but now the small-town folks are just watching TV and the community rallies only for floods and tornadoes (hoping to see the preacher "taken up into heaven." I will try to incorporate this issue in the next blog that focuses on the "why" and "what-to-do" beyond the men surrounding the tomcat (or even "tango vulture") to confront him. That should be the next blog. Hasta entonces. MarkTango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-46681509880131920702011-09-17T20:20:44.590-04:002011-09-17T20:20:44.590-04:00Elizabeth: Thanks for speaking up. What you say ...Elizabeth: Thanks for speaking up. What you say rings of experience and wisdom of already having tried to help out people only to see that they are not ready for help. You know, I respect that very much. I err on the side of trying to help as a therapist, only to find that the person is not really willing or ready to be helped. And then I feel like I have wasted my time. But what else can I do? I see therapists who are burned out from the endless stream of soldiers who are messed up from going to combat now four or five times. For the soldier who desperately needs help, I am glad that I am there for him or her. I am not saying you are burned out, but "staying in one's own lane" is sometimes the best thing to do for yourself. Some newcomers are more than just naive they are consciously playing with fire, and this is also not anything new in their lives. All you can do them, perhaps, is to stand back and watch. You bring a balance to what I have been writing on this subject, and I really do appreciate that.Tango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-22859682709251033842011-09-17T18:31:55.836-04:002011-09-17T18:31:55.836-04:00What about the cases when the most toxic predators...What about the cases when the most toxic predators in the tango community are married men and their wives stand by and allow them to behave in these ways? Might it not be that the community thinks she should deal with it and that they shouldn't get in the middle since it's her husband?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-63814508385057380892011-09-17T11:59:26.105-04:002011-09-17T11:59:26.105-04:00As a senior tanguera, I have a little perspective....As a senior tanguera, I have a little perspective. It is difficult to be a helpful advisor to the new and naive women who want desperatly to dance, with anyone. <br>I could say something (and I have, in the past) to someone who has been a victim. Then young victim seems to go to even greater risks, taking up with predators anyway. So, since tango is my recreation and pleasure after many years of taking care of people, I now focus on my partners (carefully chosen) and my self. Too many women are doormats, confusing subjection with surrender. They aren't my problem.I am not interested in being mother hen for the community. The predators would have to go somewhere else if these women would grow up and show some pride and own their power. EElizabeth Brintonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13814965814308408209noreply@blogger.com