tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post31728060892520360..comments2024-03-21T05:39:38.636-04:00Comments on Tango Therapist: Highs and Lows at a milongaTango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-79398060157692658212011-08-12T19:50:25.712-04:002011-08-12T19:50:25.712-04:00I really feel that milongas are not the correct ve...I really feel that milongas are not the correct venue to express criticism of your partner. A practica or a class certainly, but milongas are to have fun. If you have something that you must say it's best to do it quietly, preferably while you're not in the embrace and stuck with the person on the dance floor for the rest of the tanda. Also if you're going to give a criticism or ask for a change, giving a reason why would be greatly appreciated.<br>I recently had a dancer from out of town seek me out at several milongas, probably out of courtesy in retrospect rather than a desire to dance with me. At the third milonga, he asked me for a milonga tanda. He then asked that I stop singing while we were dancing, the first time he asked this I didn't actually hear what he was saying, he repeated his request that I please stop singing....I spent the next 3 songs somewhat in shock and focused not on my connection with him but on making sure that I did not sing or hum at all. Had he told me why I might have understood (maybe I'm off key or much louder than I thought), but a demand to change my habits (however politely phrased) when he kept seeking me out made no sense...it still doesn't make sense to me, but should I run across him again I'll be sure to either avoid him or tell him explicitly that I do sing/hum and if he doesn't like it he's welcome to not dance with me. If you're going to make a suggestion or a request there are times and places to do it and times and places not to do it a milonga in the middle of the dance floor unless your partner is causing you pain is not the place to do it.smwhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02872985563424976698noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-67627707842936036132011-08-03T20:43:14.596-04:002011-08-03T20:43:14.596-04:00Translation of Christine's impeccable German: ...Translation of Christine's impeccable German: "Mark, you are so amazing. How could any woman criticize you!?"<br><br>Well... not the best translation ever. Translation was never my strength. :-)Tango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-28083319830067621912011-08-03T11:50:17.187-04:002011-08-03T11:50:17.187-04:00Well then, Gott sei dank dass du warst nicht volls...Well then, Gott sei dank dass du warst nicht vollstaendig Vergiftet durch dieses Erfahrung....Christine--RHPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14209880537597263440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-40664082236577829582011-08-03T07:02:08.966-04:002011-08-03T07:02:08.966-04:00Christine: The first thing that occurred to me wa...Christine: The first thing that occurred to me was that I needed to start all over and build from the ground up and that I was really a nobody in tango. And above, I have considered how I approached her. However, my solution was to think of not only how the Peruvian woman was so excited about dancing with me but that I did not correct her many quirks and lack of understanding of the dance. I danced with her soul which was full of joy. My only correction was to stop her from walking away and explaining tango etiquette about staying with one's partner through a tanda. This explanation delighted her. The perfect gentleman (who I wish I was) makes his partner feel as if she is the only woman in the world and he is fully present with her. And the perfect Lady? Would I expect to be corrected at a milonga by a woman in Buenos Aires? Having said that, last night I went to a practica and many wonderful things happened. Was it a result of returning to basics? Perhaps. Interestingly it was the weirdest of all practicas I have ever gone to. 90% of the music was milongas. The tanda in question from my blog entry was a milonga! Were the tango gods intervening? :-) The practica went well, exceptionally and wonderfully well. Were there new dimensions reached? Yes. Was it because of being criticized at a milonga? Perhaps. For now, let's just say it was a great "Gift" to be criticized at a milonga (1) because I got over my initial shock and demotivation, (2) I am committed to improving just as much as ever, and (3) it was also a "Gift" (the German definition of the word) that did not kill me. What does not kill you makes you stronger, perhaps. (For my German readers, especially in Bavaria: "gift" auf englisch heist "Geschenk". Und danke schön, dass so viele von Euch mein Blog regelmäßig besuchen habt!)Tango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-80507941419077321572011-08-03T01:20:31.533-04:002011-08-03T01:20:31.533-04:00another thing to think about is how you approached...another thing to think about is how you approached the two different dancers. In what ways does your prior knowledge of a partner affect your leading or interpretation of the music?--obviously you knew the woman was a Very Accomplished Dancer, and I'm assuming that must have caused you to take a particular approach, even if she made you nervous...more food for thought.Christine--RHPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14209880537597263440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-37319594746493389952011-08-02T22:10:48.261-04:002011-08-02T22:10:48.261-04:00Dear Anonymous: Very funny. You started out very f...Dear Anonymous: Very funny. You started out very formally; so I wasn't expecting that I know you. But then you said, "I doubt anyone enjoys dancing with you as much as I do. You have the clearest lead...." <br><br>If this is true doesn't it make you wonder: Isn't the larger question here about what happens to excellent dancers? Do we progressively become harder to please? Does it mean that we will have less and less joy in our dance? Do we become less and less "present" and open to other styles and ways of communicating movement? I am coming up on just 5 years of dancing. In tango that means that I am a beginner. I don't want to grow up if it means I am going to be "too good" to just dance and accept people for where they are. I want to stay an ontological tanguero rather than become a deontological tanguero.Tango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-72526218234178034232011-08-02T18:24:46.805-04:002011-08-02T18:24:46.805-04:00Dear Tango Therapist, would you have been happier ...Dear Tango Therapist, would you have been happier if the advanced dancer had said nothing during your tanda and coyly smiled and thanked you at the end -- but never looked your way again? You would have wondered what went wrong, but not known her well enough to even ask. It would pestered you -- how haute -- she gave up on me after one tanda -- but why? Instead she started a dialogue. Not exactly what you wanted to hear. But she opened a conversation you can now follow up on -- in words and dance -- if you want to. It comes with the territory. You, after all, have a certain style. I doubt anyone enjoys dancing with you as much as I do. You have the clearest lead. It is different than anyone else. But a dancer not open to it might even resist it. <br> <br>It is tricky balance to decide whether to comment on the dance floor. I know it is not accepted in your tango etiquette and I myself have been on both sides of the stick. There is the dancer who cannot go more than a few steps in a dance without criticizing me. It ties me up in a knot. I just can't do it right for this dancer! But overall, I still think someone who goes to the trouble to offer a suggestion on the dance floor is extending an invitation, saying you are worth the effort. One of my best dance friendships started just that way. This wonderful person did non click with me on the dance floor -- but he kept asking me to dance! So I started making comments -- so that our dance connection would get better. Then one day, mid tanda, he stormed off the dance floor: "I guess we just don't dance well together!", he said in a huff. I had lost a friend. For months we didn't talk. Then one day some 6 months later, out of nowhere he asked me to dance. I was stunned that the connection was lovely. He was a completely different dancer. He had actually gone off and worked on his dance! That was maybe 5 years ago. We have danced and talked ever since -- and we do occasionally make comments to each other on the dance floor. Remember, diamonds start rough and have to be polished.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-34662059033864288892011-08-01T05:02:58.115-04:002011-08-01T05:02:58.115-04:00Dear Τερψιχόρη: I agree that there often is a silv...Dear Τερψιχόρη: I agree that there often is a silver lining to criticism. And I think this the case here; however, much criticism -- especially to children -- is very damaging. The same is true for beginners. Too much of this at a milonga is very toxic and unfortunately it happens way too much. Very critical teachers, I also have seen, create very critical dancers. The inner critic against self sometimes (as you said) busts out onto others, leaving a toxic mess that makes the floor sticky. :-)Tango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-24111982481722278162011-08-01T01:54:10.302-04:002011-08-01T01:54:10.302-04:00Well, maybe it's what we hope to be able to do...Well, maybe it's what we hope to be able to do when the time comes and the music starts. It's a nice ideal--Christine--RHPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14209880537597263440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-88807766589705842192011-07-31T19:17:52.479-04:002011-07-31T19:17:52.479-04:00Mark, I really like the philosophical way you have...Mark, I really like the philosophical way you have accepted this unsolicited criticism. <br><br>Personally, I hate it when people offer criticisms of my dancing or, worse, try to teach me at a milonga and I try never to do so myself. But we are all human and maybe this Very Accomplished Dancer just had a sudden moment of frustration with your dancing and her criticism just burst out of her. I'm guessing this was the case, since she behaved with civility towards you afterwards. <br><br>I'd take it as basically a good sign. If she felt you were hopeless and couldn't improve she probably wouldn't have said anything. We tend to criticise those who we feel are not achieving their full potential, rather than those who seem to be hopeless cases. <br><br>Criticism is a gift -- no matter what the source -- if it can help you to grow as a dancer.Terpsichoralhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12150778504060694415noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-38269486254594972202011-07-31T19:06:41.948-04:002011-07-31T19:06:41.948-04:00Christine: Good point. I don't think I was f...Christine: Good point. I don't think I was fully present with her. Maybe performance anxiety? Perhaps the different outcome with the new dancer is that I was relaxed and fully there for her. -MarkTango Therapisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12548118004604256736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8035244062520832583.post-10063468278038620522011-07-31T18:10:01.135-04:002011-07-31T18:10:01.135-04:00Just remember you will never be able to 'pleas...Just remember you will never be able to 'please' everyone. No one can. I think it's healthy the way you are looking at it, observing yourself and your reaction and still being able to hear what she said. One of my teachers recently told me that tango, for him, is 'meeting his partner wherever she is and dancing with HER right there in that place at that moment, not trying to dance with some expectation of who she will be, and how she will dance.'Christine--RHPhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14209880537597263440noreply@blogger.com